Solon covers the first ten bowls of the year lickety-split with Orson, rating each game by “touchability factor.” We’re going to do animated version of this, too, but for all the devotees fo Gamblor out there we thought we’d get the first ten picks of bowl season in time enough to call your bookie at lunch.
Enjoy.
SO CUTE!!! Some bets are cuddlier than others.
Don’t pity the Poinsettia Bowl, tomorrow night’s opening act for the bowl season. It’s got TCU, who’ve at least got an interesting mascot, and Northern Illinois’ Garrett Wolfe, who ran rabid on Ohio State earlier this year, so it won’t be a total and complete crapfest. (Especially with the prospect of watching Wolfe, a short guy who runs in a flail-armed, Tasmanian Devil-style frenzy.)
It’s also got the prospect of going first, which has dual benefits. First, you’re first, and thus the mangy appetizer quickly and hungrily scarfed down by the shaking, detoxing college football fan.
Second, if you emerge completely unprepared after a long night of drinking and cheap Mexican prescription drug use in Tijuana, very few people will remember it. (Remember: NOT the Super Bowl here.)
Fortunately, the Poinsettia Bowl will not be confused with the Super Bowl ever ever ever. For further proof, just ask Google Image Search. The first image associated with the Super Bowl is Janet Jackson’s boob, a result more expressive of the internet’s priorities, perhaps, than of actual relevance. The Poinsettia Bowl’s first image? This:
Make-a-Wish kids get all the luck, dammit. Maybe not, though. Imagine the Make-A-Wish Kid sitting there, writing out diligently on the form “SING NATIONAL ANTHEM AT FOOTBALL GAME.” She’s thinking flyovers, celebs, champagne with the campaign and all, first row seats on the fifty in between caviar courses. At least an NFL game, right? Then the Make A Wish people show up with this, smiling nervously. It’s a bowl game! Right here in San Diego!
The kid then explodes with rage. You’re killing me, Make-A-Wish! Fuck-king killing me here. And I’m already dying! The Poinwhattia Bowl? In my hometown? I DON’T EVEN GET TO GET ON A GODDAMN PLANE??? I’m trying to make something click here, get a little something in the career going before the lights go off and you’ve booked me for the POISONOUS PLANT THAT KILLS TODDLERS BOWL? Go to hell, Make A Wish!!! YOU GO TO HELL AND DIE!!!
We’ll just quote Tucker Max and say that yes, we know it’s too late for us, and that we only hope that our life serves as a warning to others.
The weekend’s riotous news and notes. We mean the riotous part.
–Congratulations to Appalachian State University on winning the D-1 AA football title over the University of Massachusetts. Clearly too HOT HOT HOT to handle, ASU topped UMass 17-14 28-17 in a godless format called a playoff. The title is ASU’s second in a row–there’s a university that’s going places.
Congratulations, Appalachian State. You stay right over there, we don’t hug.
UMass students, furious they were forced to play through a bracket of competition just to get to the final and lose, vented their anger through rioting as only Northeastern college football fans can: by throwing bicycles and lighting small fires.
“Why can’t we have a bowl system in D-1 AA! WHYYYYY?!?!?” said a UMass student who does not exist, because no one would ever say this.
University officials promises “swift” punishment, a word only used by university administrators when they want to give the whole “mighty as an angry and capricious god” tone to their communique.
–In other “Jesus, we thought Southern fans were restraining-order-bonkers” news: Anthony Morelli receives death threats at Penn State. The lid-flipping quote here from Morelli: “I kind of expected it,” Morelli said. Well, sure. Remind us to bake Chris Leak some cookies. The kind without arsenic in ‘em, because though we might have lost fistfuls of hair and bar tab cash watching him, we don’t want him dead. This is something you have to be clear on, evidently.
–Neal Calloway, UGA offensive line coach, gets the head job at UAB. Head Blazer Job allegedly to Jimbo Fisher first, but oversight board claimed Fisher “too expensive.” Your Alabama conspiracy theory of the day is that Fisher conveniently became tai gui le when the board–whose members include Paul Bryant, Jr.–kept UAB from taking one of Big Daddy’s emergency coaching candidates. Paul’s already scoping out new OL coaches on Georgia Sports. Tramp.
–Montana State is concerned over three arrests in the past year. Early Fulmer Cup stocks for MSU just fell through the floor, since a program concerned about three arrests clearly does not have the makings of an FC champion. Best on Arizona State, however, should be through the roof.
–Belatedly mentioned: noted Euro-American Fisher DeBerry retires from Air Force. Possible replacement candidates include Gary Barnett. Possible return of Barnett, Neuheisel, and Dennis Erickson in one year: we just typed that, and if loving that idea is wrong, we don’t wanna be right.
Oh, and someday we want to be introduced as “the man who put love in your eye.”
Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
Comments? Questions? Long strings of profanities directed at something we said? Please send your comments to harumphharumph -a- yahoo -dot- com. Please direct all tailgating photos and stories to edsbsfans -a- gmail -dot- com.
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