Your Mustache Wednesday Featured Mustache of the Day: Garthe Knight: dashing man of international intrigue, tractor-trailer-rig-of-unstoppable-terror visionary, gambler, and evil, evil twin brother of Michael Knight…who most certainly was not just David Hasselhoff with the donut duster and chin-splitter flued on.

Remember: evil loves to ventilate the ol’ man pelt with a loose shirt unbuttoned to at least the second button. It also loves superfluous vowels on names.

Definitely not David Hasselhoff: evil twin Garthe Knight.

To see the high point of Garthe’s career as a poorly-organized international madman, watch the clip below. Tractor trailer rigs as means of extortion + AFrican dictator in need of stolen missiles=bad business plan.

Houston Nutt, madman, knows no peace. Despite an outrageously successful season, internecine conflict brews in Fayetteville, which seems insane until you remember that this is the life of Houston Nutt, written in a mode somewhere between a telenovela and an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. (Title: Las Cronicas Locas de Don Hogg. Univision, Wednesdays 10 pm.)

Las Cronicas Locas de Don Hogg. Que ridiculo! (Otra vez)

This time, it’s meddling parentals. From the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette:

Cleveland said the issue for the Springdale players and their parents is that the offense isn’t what they were led to believe it would be during the recruiting process.

“ We never would have committed here knowing that this was the offense, because we knew our boys wouldn’t be happy.”

Ah, for the days when coaches could have parents throttled quietly in alleys. Ask yourself: what would Woody Hayes have done in this situation? Answer: it probably would have involved a flamethrower, C4, and several hundred million dollars worth of damage. Actually, it would have looked and sounded a lot like Falling Down, or our 21st birthday celebration.

Focus! Did these parents watch a single game? Do they understand that Humanity Advanced was in their backfield? Did they miss having a freshman qb for half the season and Casey Dick for the remainder? That may be the most frightening aspect of this latest strange chapter in Las Cronicas de Don Hogg: these people can vote and operate heavy machinery, and have already bred and insured the spread of their genes.

FSU’s outsourcing their band–again, though T.K. Wetherell insists it’s part of a symbolic move by the university to punish itself for its lowly gridiron performance this year. We think it’s to save money and piss on the bowl game that’s deigned to offer them a bid, since the FSU band has somewhere between 500 and 30,000 members and has to be a logistical nightmare to deal with at home games.

Moving them across the country for the Veganomics.Com Quorn Bowl would have been a pain in the ass, sure, but it would have also made the stadium look slightly less desolate. As it stands, FSU will now pay a band to show up. We nominate the following San Franciso bands and their song that best applies to FSU:

Creedence Clearwater Revival: “Fortunate Son.” Hello, Jeffy.

Dead Kennedys: “Straight A’s.” As in social science majors’ GPAs.

Train: Anything, really, since it will all suck, suck, suck, and thus cause misery and pain to whomever’s unfortunate enough to hear it.

Journey: “Who’s Crying Now”

This would be the best part of the Emerald Bowl. And it still wouldn’t be good in a non-ironic way.

The AD at University of North Texas must be pounding the Ayn Rand tapes lately, because he’s been acting alone and without evident counsel like Howard Roark on a caffeine binge.

First AD Rick Villareal fires Darrell Dickey, longtime UNT coach, just three weeks after Dickey suffers a heart attack. Villareal then has to kowtow to a booster, the “Mattress King” Jim McIngvale, when McIngvale insists that a practice facility be named after Dickey. Quoth the “Mattress King”:

“Right’s right and wrong’s wrong. It’s the right thing to do,” McIngvale said. “I don’t think firing a guy three weeks after he had a heart attack was the right thing to do, either. Even Wall Street is not that callous.”

Undaunted, Villareal then pulls the ultimate fuckoff move to the formerly entrenched Dickey: hiring a high school coach, Todd Dodge, to replace him.(HT: Adam.) Dodge isn’t a no-name, having taken his high school team to a 77-1 record and three state championships. He can also claim two years as the OC at North Texas pre-Dickey. So it’s not a mondo bizarro hire–daring, yes, GerryFaustian, sure…but not insane.

It is, though, an exquisite way to tell the outgoing coach that he was extremely replaceable. Replaceable coaches must be instantly recognizeable to Villareal–his mentor was…

(WARNING: NAUSEA-INDUCING NAME APPROACHING TAKE ACTION!!! )

…Curly Hallman. We apologize sincerely to the LSU fans who just read this name and vomited onto the keyboard. Blame Curly, not us.

We thought this was the bomb: combine two of the year’s hottest things into a single product, pitch it to ESPN, and back the Brinks truck up, baby. Who could lose when you combine the perpetually hott Al Groh, who likes Foreigner, and this year’s surprise home entertainment classic Guitar Hero 2? We thought we’d be a senator twirling a gun in days.

Better still, it turns out Coach Groh was a fiend for GH2, and blew off steam after big games by playing co-operative games with the UVA night janitor. (You already knew he did this.) In fact, we brought Al in and he ripped the whole thing off in like two hours flat, dishing out tips and pointers like Esteban in a sleeveless sweatshirt.

Sadly, the folks at ESPN turned the whole thing down, leaving us with a roomful of mockup covers, “AL GROH TAUGHT ME TO PLAY LIKE A FACEMELTER!!!” t-shirts, and two hours of useless video. A warning to young, bright-eyed entrepreneurs out there: it ain’t all bitches and benjamins, man.

You might as well listen to Al’s intro for his fave, “The Urgent” by Foreigner. We know, it’s actually just “Urgent,” but Al kept insisting on calling it what Foreigner wrote on this playlist he jacked backstage at a show in Philly in 1987, which was “The Urgent.” Follow the bass drum–it’s the key to playing the funk.

MP3 File

We’ve got five hundred of these printed up in the garage if you want ‘em. We’re using them to keep warm at the moment.

Dirk Koetter may have been dumped. But he has girlfriends, Arizona State. There’ll be another you in a minute, Arizona State. As a matter of fact, there will be five of them here in a minute.

Koetter says he’s gotten five job offers, and not just from the all-cash, can’t miss home marketing opportunity we get five of a day in the spambox.(HT: The Wiz.) The Miami Herald reports he’s a mention for the Miami Hurricanes offensive coordinator slot, which would be nasteeeeeeeee should he get it, since he’d be bringing the novel concept of scoring points to the ACC and using some of Miami’s F-22 speed to do it.

How far have negotiations for any of these jobs gotten, you ask? (Or Arizona State asks, trying to preen at the party with new boyfriend Dennis Erickson, telling him I bet he hasn’t even sent his resume in yet. He’s such a wimp, not like he-man you, Dennis. Spank me again!) Koetter says there’s a time and place for it, but we’ll make an educated guess using terminology only the most dedicated of Arrested Development could love: they’ve probably only gotten to second base, but considering the whole five-jobs-and-waiting-thing, have done so headfirst and sliding:

In a weird bit of coacing circularity, outgoing Miami OC Rich Olson is reuniting with former boss Dennis Erickson at his new job at…Arizona State. You may remember Olson as the man who did not call a pass over seven yards in length for the entire year of 2006, which shows that if you can get one D-1 coaching job in your life, you’ve got one for life.

Meanwhile, Charlie Strong’s totally just hanging out, y’all. Really. Just hanging out, watching The Wire, you know, catching up and prepping for the Buckeyes and working on his pecs. Just a random mention without any insinuations or subtext. At all.