JARVIS MOSS DOES NOT RESPECT YOUR HEISMENS!

by Orson on Dec 12, 2006 12:35 PM EST

The sudden lull of the bowl season gap has freed us up to do more productive things with our time. Take a stroll amongst the fallen leaves; remember the real first name of our spouse; and finally get that festering thingy on our leg looked at. (Turns out it's called our "foot," and whatever it is it's got to come off pronto, according to our esteemed physician, Dr. Vinnie Boombatz.)

Another worthy activity: checking out Florida players' Facebook pages. Today's excerpt comes from Florida defensive end Jarvis Moss. A few facts about Jarvis Moss, first:

Fact: he is interested in girls.

Fact: someone named "Mimi" "tagged Jarvis in 11 photos," something not half as nasty as it sounds, actually.

Fact: Jarvis Moss was appointed "Troy Smith's Worst Nightmare" by an influential member of the
"~QUIT CRYING MICHIGAN...FLORIDA IS GOING TO DA SHIP!!!" group. Apparently this is not an elected office.

Fact: Troy Smith, Jarvis Moss apparently is not impressed with your "Heiseman."

Presented in unalterable SCREENCAPTUREVISION to prevent memory-holing by concerned Florida officials, we present Jarvis' Facebook page. Moss like HEISMENS! (HT: Lindsay.)

We highlight the best part of all below, hoping that this is some kind of backhanded spelling tribute to the classic In Living Color skit, "Men on Film."

MOSS LIKE HEISMENS!!!

Troy Smith im watchin you win you Heisman trophy! Washin your car!!! Goin to Outback!!! Playin' your PS3 in the Buckeye lockerroom!!! No, seriously, Jarvis Moss really is watching you do all of this through a night-vision telescoping lens from the bushes across the street. It's getting well beyond the excuse of "pre-game scouting" here. You might want to consider a restraining order or something.

Thanks to this we do now have a term for the Heisman winner who goes bust in their final game: a Heisemen. We need no man-law council to adopt this new piece of verbiage, so tell Burt Reynolds and Eddie Griffin to sit down and shut up.

(Hey, we loved the man in '81, but dammit, facelifts are not masculine, Burt, and yours looks like Jerry Jones' Joker work from a few years back. Grizzled and craggy is--just ask the Falconer, Jack Palance, or Howard Schnellenberger.)

For Moss's sake and ours, we really, really hope Troy Smith turns Heisemennish on January 8th.

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I was going to write an article on the Facebook Group “Poke the Oppossing Team’s QB” when I finish with law school finals, but that’s not for weeks, so I’ll just post it on this thread and hope you guys take notice of it. I mean, if you’re going to be writing a series of facebook articles, this is the best football related thing on it.

http://ufl.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2216960132

by Rob G on Dec 12, 2006 1:01 PM EST reply actions

In spite of all of the negative comments made towards MySpace and Facebook there’s no denying that they’ve provided some excellent “comedy” in recent years.

I wonder if the UF d-linemen started a “Friends With Mary Jane” group.

by BDoc on Dec 12, 2006 1:20 PM EST reply actions

Howard Schnellenberger does not need plastic surgery. He simply wears the faces of his defeated foes.

by irishoutsider on Dec 12, 2006 1:20 PM EST reply actions

If “Mimi” is the blonde in the picture, she looks pretty decent…from what I can tell of apicture that’s less than a quarter inch big that is…anyway, I’d do her. Good work Jarvis. I just hope that, like heismens, you like condoms.

by RaginCajunRebel on Dec 12, 2006 1:22 PM EST reply actions

I thought we called a Heisman winner who goes bust in his final game a “Gino Toretta.”

by glacialspeed on Dec 12, 2006 1:36 PM EST reply actions

Does Jarvis bring along the musket and moonshine when he spies on Troy?

by Dinknflicka on Dec 12, 2006 1:54 PM EST reply actions

Believe it or not, Burt actually looks BETTER in person than on TV. It’s still… well, not good… but it isn’t AS bad as the makeup and cameras would lead you to believe.

(This was true as of August 2006. The guy may have a King-of-Pop-like relationship with his surgeon. “Mr. Handler’s opinions and those of his guests are subject to change without notice and are not the opinions of this station, Clear Channel Media, or CNBC.”)

by Panhandler on Dec 12, 2006 1:55 PM EST reply actions

On further review of Jarvis’ profile, there are actually a series of pictures where he says the following:

Under a picture from the Alabama game: “Can you believe I didnt even make the ALL SEC TEAM! are you jokin me something aint right!”

Under a picture of him sacking Weatherford: “Didnt even make ALL SEC! ha are you kidding me!”

Under a picture of him pointing to the Florida crowd: “National championship game will raise questions of how i didnt make all SEC team this!? hmm? thats messed up but that aint gone slow me down! Pointing all our gator fans up there!”

Sounds like someone is a little bitter. I linked to his profile under my website out of fear of messing up a link on my first comment.

by Lindsey (or Lindsay according to Orson) on Dec 12, 2006 2:09 PM EST reply actions

In a move that shocks Buckeye Nation, Subcommandante Wayne names a No. 2.

Gentlemen, I present you Grenadier Shane!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nwcc1uLzjiQ

by Philly Gator on Dec 12, 2006 2:15 PM EST reply actions

Out of sheer curiousity…what ARE the admissions standards at UF?

by RandomSlowGuy on Dec 12, 2006 2:20 PM EST reply actions

The gold standard for player websites was Marcus Stroud’s student page at UGA. It included several pictures “in da club,” while “ballin’ in the ATL.” It was classic.

by kcmci on Dec 12, 2006 2:27 PM EST reply actions

Philly Gator, you are excellence.

by Orson Swindle on Dec 12, 2006 2:28 PM EST reply actions

Apparently TSA doesn’t respect your Heisemens either:

http://www.ajc.com/sports/content/shared-gen/ap/General_College_Sports_News/FBC_Heisman_Smith.html

by glacialspeed on Dec 12, 2006 2:51 PM EST reply actions

Ughhh Dept:

Regarding, Philly Gator’s comment No. 9….

I saw the kid’s video and it was somewhat amusing, but…..

Does he have to steal the Black Man’s accent when rapping? I think they want it back.

by Stacy Keibler Loves Me on Dec 12, 2006 2:59 PM EST reply actions

Can we talk about how BAD the Spurrier Digiorno pizza commercial is? I’m embarrassed. It’s worse than the Village Jeweler commercials he used to do…..

http://youtube.com/watch?v=xEcLFTQAGIw

by UFsabby on Dec 12, 2006 3:02 PM EST reply actions

I’m pretty sure tressel has a policy regarding facebook profiles because most of football players accounts are really bland. Hell my facebook profile is more crazy than any of theirs and thats saying something

by Azher on Dec 12, 2006 3:07 PM EST reply actions

Good or not, it takes balls to willingly post your white-ass rap on YouTube! I still don’t get that “beast from the east” thing though. Ohio is basically the fat kid from middle school recess: neither the East nor the Midwest really want us on their team.

by tOSU_radar on Dec 12, 2006 5:03 PM EST reply actions

Do we really need to publish facebooks on here? That is going a little far…

by Dave on Dec 12, 2006 8:22 PM EST reply actions

Isn’t your “Heismens” what Austin Powers would refer to as “Wedding Tackle”?

by tOSU_radar on Dec 12, 2006 10:06 PM EST reply actions

Dave in #18…apparenly you’re new around here, so I’ll let you in on a little hint: There is no such thing as “too far” on this masterfully crafted, um, “piece of work”.

by Aerobab on Dec 13, 2006 7:42 AM EST reply actions