PRIVATE JET BAIT: DENNIS ERICKSON, MEET SVEN GORAN ERIKSSON
by Orson on Dec 11, 2006 12:28 PM EST
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PrintWe have a proposal. Someone give us the budget to do a sting operation on Dennis Erickson, News of the World-style. We hire a private jet, some fancy actors who look like high-rollers and who can affect a passable Alabama accent, and then see if we can get him to agree in principle to taking the Alabama head coaching job just days after leaving Idaho to take the Arizona State job for just pennies over what he's making at Arizona State.
(This, by the way, seems to be a problem with coaches with the name "Erickson" or anything like it.)
Do you have one of these? Then Dennis Erickson is yours.
We'd bet our nonexistent riches on Erickson taking the gig, even if you offered him just ten dollars more a year to do the job. This will be Erickson's 13th coaching position in all; it is his seventh as a college head coach. He has bolted unsuccessfully for the NFL twice and left both franchises in tatters. He has no loyalty whatsoever, and has two one-year stints as a head coach on his resume, including a baffling return to his starting point, Idaho, in 2006.
There could have been a nice symmetry to this, with Erickson suddenly getting properly medicated--Adderol, perhaps?--and spending the rest of his days as lord of the manor in Moscow, Idaho. Yet he bolts for the first job that comes a-winking, Arizona State, and leaves his players feeling...well, fucked with. Those aren't our words, by the way:
"It doesn't really matter who the coaches are -- well, it does -- but we're the reason they have jobs," he added. "If they're going to do that and play the politics game, its going to be hard for us to trust our next coach because we've been [messed with] a couple of times, so it's hard to deal with."
We'd double down the first bet and guess that the [messed with] is "fucked with," a better turn of phrase that sadly cannot appear in major papers. (Viva la blogalution!) No one expects a coach to not take the business side of the equation into account, and a certain amount of circumspect skepticism must be in a college player's head at all times in regards to the lifespan of a coach. This is especially true at Idaho, which is cold, in the middle of nowhere, and in Idaho. (Redundant? Sure.)
But one year? There's a difference between a tryst and a cheap slam in the alley, and that difference is relative brevity. If Erickson had given three--maybe even two--years at Idaho, he could have maintained some illusion of commitment or sincerity. More importantly, if he'd really even improved them significantly, his 4-8 might have looked a bit better in retrospect if he'd followed it up with a better season.
Yet in his mind, Erickson must be still driving the Camaro around with a cold one in the cup holder, a Tawny Kitaen look-alike in the passenger seat, a national championship ring gleaming off his hand, and his gargantuan 1989 cell phone ringing incessantly in the backseat. Show up with a Gulfstream and a wad of cash, and he's yours, the biggest slut in the often slutty world of coaching.
Mal Moore, take notice--he's a sure thing, and he'll put out on the first date fast and like crazy. Do not, however, fall in love. Because we'll make a third bet that Erickson has one more turn in the NFL left in him, since Orson's rules tell us that people make the same mistakes again, and again, and again. "People" evidently includes Erickson, NFL GMs, and Arizona State, who just made as bad a long-term hire as you'll ever make in NCAA football.
Erickson: slut.
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Thank you for that great write-up. I like Arizona St., but to me, this hire simply validates Lisa Love’s ineptitude as ASU’s Athletic Director. The only credit I can give her here is that at least she didn’t hire an outside search firm. But she most likely didn’t do that because they’re still hurting from buying out Koetter’s contract!
In 5 years, when the Sun Devils lead the Pac-10 in flagrant penalties and felony arrests, Erickson will take the Arizona Cardinals job and ASU will be investigated by the NCAA. You can pretty much set your watch to it!
by Mark D on Dec 11, 2006 12:47 PM EST reply actions
Genius. Pure genius.
The Sven-Goran Erikkson thing was reminiscent of the ABSCAM thing a while back….laughs all around!
by grits-n-gravy on Dec 11, 2006 12:51 PM EST reply actions
I’m sure Notre Dame fans are hoping they don’t see Dennis across the field anytime soon. The Fiesta Bowl pitting the Domers and Erickson’s Oregon State guns for hire team was the biggest beat down I’ve seen in a long time. Didn’t the Beavers have more penalty yards than Notre Dame had offensive yards?
Pure gangster.
by AUAlum on Dec 11, 2006 1:30 PM EST reply actions
As a Sun Devil fan, I’ve gotta say I’m not all that excited about the hire AT ALL. The message board fans are for the most part convincing themselves it’s a great deal, but I just don’t see it. With all the bad off the field issues we’ve had in the last couple years, character HAS to count in for one of the 3-4 most public leadership positions at a major university.
If we’re not in a BCS game within 2-3 years, this is gonna be a train wreck. I don’t think Lisa Love is incompetent, far from it — I just think she’s giving the fan base what they said they supposedly want, a shot at a big time payoff on the field. I just hope the cost isn’t too great and we aren’t left in shambles when he leaves.
by Mark on Dec 11, 2006 1:34 PM EST reply actions
Dennis has to go to Alabama to complete the Sven-Goran parallel. That way both of them can take on managing a faded power with delusions of grandeur, build false hope, and leave behind exactly the same situation years later, but with several millions in pocket.
Just as Svennis won’t ever need to buy himself a drink in Scotland, Dennis wouldn’t need to buy himself a drink in… wherever it is that Auburn is located.
by DC Trojan on Dec 11, 2006 1:38 PM EST reply actions
Marilyn Erickson is no Nancy Dell’Olio but the Tawny Kitaen shout is a good one ;-)
by Mighty Squirrel Kingdom on Dec 11, 2006 1:38 PM EST reply actions
I want to see the video of the Fiesta Bowl where TJ Hoshmanzadeh, then was frisked by this teammate. That is Erickson’s lasting legacy.
by Raider Red on Dec 11, 2006 1:49 PM EST reply actions
I want to see the video of the Fiesta Bowl where TJ Hoshmanzadeh scored, then was frisked by this teammate. That is Erickson’s lasting legacy.
by Raider Red on Dec 11, 2006 1:50 PM EST reply actions
. . .Dennis wouldn’t need to buy himself a drink in… wherever it is that Auburn is located.
That would be Auburn.
by Chg on Dec 11, 2006 2:04 PM EST reply actions
AUAlum, sort of like that 51-10 pantsing AU took by Florida in ‘96, right? When Auburn gets their graduation rate above their average ppg, then we’ll talk. Oh, by the way, did you come by way of your degree courtesy of Prof. Petee as well???
by Meethinks on Dec 11, 2006 2:32 PM EST reply actions
Semantic discussion – I think whore might be a better description for Erickson. Whores do it for the money. Sluts do it just because they enjoy it without concern for compensation.
by Hokie Andrew - Crosses Ocean, Lives to tell the tale... on Dec 11, 2006 2:58 PM EST reply actions
That would be Auburn.
It seemed too obvious an answer… to be honest, after all the ’Bama / Auburn threadjacks, I had lost count of which impolite euphemism went with which institution.
by DC Trojan on Dec 11, 2006 3:00 PM EST reply actions
Erickson will leave as soon as the program starts to do well. He will turn it around there, I betcha, judging from his past performances, but then blow out of there and take, hmm, maybe the Oakland Raiders coaching job.
by Brian on Dec 11, 2006 3:08 PM EST reply actions
Re #10:
Let’s see, Auburn has 25.4 ppg this season compared to a 6-year graduation rate of 65%. What’s your point?
And let’s be a little more current with our Auburn-Florida matchups. Take this year for instance; Who got pantsed in the second half of that game?
by A Clean Kick to the Facemask on Dec 11, 2006 3:22 PM EST reply actions
to be honest, after all the ‘Bama / Auburn threadjacks, I had lost count of which impolite euphemism went with which institution.
Don’t worry about it DC Trojan, down here in Bama probably about 90% of said impolite euphemisms can be applied to both institutions!
by A Clean Kick to the Facemask on Dec 11, 2006 3:29 PM EST reply actions
Meethinks,
Notre Dame hasn’t won a bowl game since Tonya Harding’s friend busted Nancy Kernigan’s kneecap.
by AUAlum on Dec 11, 2006 3:45 PM EST reply actions
Great piece, hilarious. By the way, is it too early for you to have nightmares of Troy Smith shredding Florida?
by graham on Dec 11, 2006 4:24 PM EST reply actions
Troy Smith would probably give me nightmares, if only I could stop having wet dreams thinking of RFN leaving Ted Ginn Jr in a crumpled mass on the field. Note to Troy: Don’t put too much air under those passes.
by Gator03 on Dec 11, 2006 5:04 PM EST reply actions
Why ya gotta hate?
It’s a high risk, high reward hire. My biggest concern is Erickson’s love for recruiting JuCo kids as it’s harder to sustain long-term success that way.
Besides, it’s not like there’s a ton of great coaches available right now. Otherwise Bama would have one by now, right?
by Big Jon on Dec 11, 2006 5:10 PM EST reply actions
Damn, I was really getting myself excited for Mike Price. As someone who grew up ten minutes from Oregon State, I’m not especially enthused by this.
by Erik on Dec 11, 2006 6:31 PM EST reply actions
Reggie Nelson won’t be hitting Ted Ginn. He will cheat to his side the entire game only to leave one of their other receivers open like all the other dumb teams did. Except for Michigan and Texas. They went one-on-one most of the game. I heard RFN is developing a teleport device though. It will allow him to move across the field without actually running so he can deliver punishment at an even higher level.
by Pooh Bear ;p on Dec 11, 2006 6:51 PM EST reply actions
I guessing the quote that was revised as (messed with) was actually “fucked around.”
by The Duke of Wazzu on Dec 11, 2006 10:40 PM EST reply actions
I meant "I’m guessing . . . "
Ready . . . Fire . . . Aim.
by The Duke of Wazzu on Dec 11, 2006 10:53 PM EST reply actions
Maybe it’s the depression pounded into my noggin by the Shula Era, but aren’t most Florida fans — lookin’ at you Orson — thinking about the Fiesta Bowl fiasco with Nebraska right about now?
I mean, I want the Gators to win it for the SEC and all, but I can’t help but think of another ritualistic, Apocalypto-like blodletting in Arizona.
by Newspaper Hack on Dec 12, 2006 1:07 AM EST reply actions
Re #20
Bob Toledo got the head job at Tulane. Yes, there are no good head coaches out there.
Mr. Mal Moore, may I suggest a man of integrity who will lead your program to at least 9 wins (hell, 10 given the number of IAA and Sun Belt teams in the Alabama area) and occassional conference championship?
Mr. Moore, I give you, R.C. Slocum.
by milevin on Dec 12, 2006 1:36 AM EST reply actions
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