HEISMAN CEREMONY FINALLY ENDS AT 9:43 A.M., MONDAY DECEMBER 11TH
by Orson on Dec 11, 2006 11:10 AM EST
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PrintNEW YORK--(AP) In a Heisman ceremony of unprecedented length and endurance, Ohio State quarterback Troy Smith was named the outstanding college football player of the year. This year's ceremony set a Heisman record for length, stretching from 8 p.m. Saturday night and finally grinding to its conclusion at exactly 9:43 a.m. this morning.
"I'm overjoyed. Hallucinating from fatigue, yes, but still overjoyed. I'd like to thank my teammates, my coaches, my family, and that guy who slipped me a Ritalin around four a.m. this morning. Without that I would have never outlasted the other candidates," said Smith in his brief and often incoherent acceptance speech. "Ostrich mflhghararrrgh jim jim," he said as he left, supported under each shoulder by a Smith family member.
Almost 48 hours later, a winner.
The Heisman ceremony, as it has every year since ESPN began exclusive coverage of the event, grew in duration again in 2006 with the inclusion of "The Everlast Quotient," a new factor in the balloting taking into account the "tenacity and spirit of the individual as measured by their ability to stay awake throughout the entire ceremony." Bonus points have decided the balloting for the past five years, and have significantly changed the expected outcomes of the elections.
Controversial though it might be, the Everlast portion of the event has allowed ESPN to boost ratings and create artificial but still compelling drama during traditional "dead zones" in the ratings. Last year's most compelling storyline involved teammates Reggie Bush and Matt Leinart showing great solidarity by shocking each other awake with personal tasers, which propelled both deep into early Monday morning before Bush's ran out of juice.
With the other contestants sleeping heavily, Leinart unselfishly yielded his taser and went to sleep, handing the award to his teammate.
This year's drama, as presented in a short summary timeline, included:
8:00 p.m--3:00 a.m.: Heisman finalists Brady Quinn, Darren McFadden, and Troy Smith take their seats at the Downtown Athletic Club. The first test begins: seven straight hours of ESPN tributes to the candidates, each highlighting their overcoming obstacles. Most candidates agree that the crux of the first phase came in getting through Quinn's four-hour tribute, which focused mostly on the challenges of being "man-pretty."
"We thought Quinn would fade for sure," said Archie Griffin, who survives the ceremony each year with a regimen of catnaps, strong coffee, and a running game of scrabble he plays with fellow Heisman winner Pat Sullivan. "In fact, we thought Paul Hornung had died during Quinn's piece. A drink or six pepped him up, though, and we were over the first hurdle together."
3:00 a.m.--2:00 p.m. Heisman candidates then sat through every single second of footage of them playing football in 2006, including bench footage of the candidates drinking Gatorade, talking on the phone with coaches, and simply standing around. "It was unbearable," said McFadden. "In between my asskicking stiffarms and breakaway runs, I guess I never realized how boring watching my beastly form truly is," said the runner-up. "Even grew I tired of looking at my record-setting gamespeed and bowling ball-sized biceps."
To up the difficulty, ESPN allowed Merrill Hoge to narrate the film. Hoge spent the better part of the time detailing how each one will have to be a man at the pro level, and that the NFL was a league of men, of hard, disciplined men, and how each one of them would fail, fail, and fail again to compete against these hard, disciplined men. Quinn credits Hoge for knocking him out of the competition.
"He just...he just said it so many times," said a bleary Quinn on Monday morning. "I just remember getting to the Michigan game film, and he launched in on that whole 'league of men' thing again, and I just broke down crying that I wanted either to die or fall asleep or both, just anything to make that guy shut up. I mean, just come out of the closet or don't, dammit. But stop talking about how hard, disciplined men need to be men in the N-F-L, the way he always does, and I just wanted a bullet in the head."
Quinn, clearly emotional, wiped his eyes. "No trophy's worth listening to that for 11 hours. Not one."
2:00 p.m.--11 p.m, Sunday: McFadden and Smith sit through three back to back to back presentations of Cirque de Soleil, including their "legendarily unbearable" Zumanity. Both candidates are seen holding back tears of boredom, but still refuse to sleep. "I'm impressed with both of their tenacity," said analyst Mel Kiper. "Smith's ability to endure boredom makes him an ideal pick for the Cleveland Browns' offense. I expect him to be a surefire first rounder for them."
Unbearable: Zumanity almost killed both candidates with boredom.
11:00 p.m.--1:00 a.m. Monday: In a move some skeptics suspect was meant to actually prolong the competition, both remaining nominees are forced to participate in a special "Heismania" edition of The Sports Reporters. Both candidates visibly fought off sleep as soon as Mitch Albom began speaking, but sprang to life as soon as show veteran Mike Lupica began to speak.
"Hate kept me awake from that point on," said Smith. "I just hate that little shitfucker, and I don't even know why. I was about to go, but he really woke me up."
McFadden, though, took a decisive lead when he sprang to life, seized Lupica by the throat as he spoke, and then spent thirty minutes teasing Lupica into unconsciousness with a sleeper hold. "At that point, I was on fire with rage," said McFadden, whose squeezing and release of Lupica's neck earned him serious plaudits from voters, as well as several standing ovations from the sparse crowd that remained.
"We've all thought about doing it, sure," said Heisman voter and winner Tim Brown. "But he lived the dream, man. At that point, he had my vote for sure."
1:00 a.m.--9:43 a.m.: McFadden and Smith both endure the cruelest and stiffest test of their wills yet: a Heisman-themed broadcast of NFL Live, focusing on the draft and done entirely unscripted with only Michael Irvin, Sean Salisbury, and Chris Berman. "I was running on faith and faith alone at that point," said McFadden. "And when Berman got into his gravelly eulogy voice talking about the death of Kory Stringer for the fifth time that night, a little voice popped in my head and said, 'Darren, give it another year.' I'm convinced that was Jesus, and not the 1500 milligrams of Sudafed I'd taken a few hours earlier."
Berman: the finisher.
McFadden slumped to the floor, and Smith emerged triumphant. Observers seemed to sing a common refrain, though, on the way out of the Downtown Athletic Club.
"The real winner, in my opinion, is the viewer," said sports television critic Michael Hiestand. "Because this is finally done. Next year they should do some kind of Japanese game show thingy with it. Girls being chased by iguanas and log jumping or something. Anything, anything but this."
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One positive thing: at least we didn’t find out the winner by Lee Corso putting some sort of Troy Smith hat on.
by J.J. on Dec 11, 2006 11:25 AM EST reply actions
J. J. has a winner of an idea. That’s precisely how they should do it. That way the presentation of the award matches its importance.
by Hokie Andrew - Crosses Ocean, Lives to tell the tale... on Dec 11, 2006 11:32 AM EST reply actions
I just want to remind all of the Illinois fans who were at the OSU game chanting, “No More Heisman!” when Troy threw some bad passes that they are wrong again, Illibuck-less again, and dum-bah.
by Rob Durham on Dec 11, 2006 11:43 AM EST reply actions
I lived in Spain for a very short time, and though their game shows do not come close to the awesomeness of Japanese TV, they did have one great competition. I was usually pretty messed up when we’d watch it, but it did involve midgets.
At the end of the show the “winning” contestants had to chase a key-carrying midget through a maze…at one wrong turn was literally a tiger in a cage…and if they made it through the maze the midget gave them the key and they got a prize or something.
Next year’s Heisman should definately incorporate midgets and live man-eating animals.
But I like JJ’s idea, too.
by RaginCajunRebel on Dec 11, 2006 11:45 AM EST reply actions
I still have that “Lil Trill” song stuck in my head from last Friday.
by hazer on Dec 11, 2006 11:58 AM EST reply actions
Did anyone else notice Lee Corso forgot Kirk Herbstreit’s name? It was early in the show.
by CaribbeanHog on Dec 11, 2006 12:01 PM EST reply actions
One positive thing: at least we didn’t find out the winner by Lee Corso putting some sort of Troy Smith hat on.
Not that he wouldn’t desperately LOVE to wear Troy Smith as a hat.
From what I hear, Bristol, Conn., currently has the largest number of Troy Smith RealDolls per capita in the nation.
by RandomSlowGuy on Dec 11, 2006 12:07 PM EST reply actions
Rob Durham,
It’s basketball season here in Illinois. By the time preseason started, all the Illini fans here were completely over the football season. But way to go, taunting a team you already beat when you should be concentrating on the Gators, especially a 2-10 team.
by J.J. on Dec 11, 2006 12:10 PM EST reply actions
The workers at the Dept. of Tourism in Cleveland would like to thank ESPN personally for costing them all their jobs at Christmas time.
by Joe on Dec 11, 2006 12:13 PM EST reply actions
Thank you for lampooning “The Sports Reporters”. This new version of it with Saunders, Lupica, etc is the worst. The term “reporter” should imply that these guys are merely talking about the black-and-white facts of what they saw, and not the biased hack jobs that they are.
If I wanted to sit through loud-mouthed, biased, annoying drivel, then I would just watch Jay Marriotti and the rest of the clowns on “Around the Horn”.
Yet another reason to add to the list as to why ESPN sucks (see #19 and 44):
http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/?p=1406
by Geaux Irish on Dec 11, 2006 12:59 PM EST reply actions
Of course, had Illinois won that game, McFadden would have won the Heisman.
Another reason to redact [NAME REDACTED]
by captaineclectic on Dec 11, 2006 1:00 PM EST reply actions
I bet Fowler got a beat down from his bosses at da WWL after he forgot Andre Ware was standing next to Tim Brown. Apparently his coworker is very forgettable.
by tOSU_radar on Dec 11, 2006 1:37 PM EST reply actions
I thought that the fact that from the 2000’s only Eric Crouch had the time to attend was pretty amusing. Did Jason White have plans or something?
by AllWhoYonder on Dec 11, 2006 1:40 PM EST reply actions
Oh of course, JJ, your Illinois basketball program, how high are they ranked? Compare that to Ohio State. As far as that site about OSU people needing to “move on to the next game…” I’m pretty sure Michigan is still dwelling on something and not worrying about USC. When you’re in the position to win it all you can do whatever the hell you want. I love taunting.
Also, be sure to visit these sites… “www.havenothadameaningfulfootballplayersincejeffgeorgebutdoeshereallyevencount.com” or “www.oneyearwehadareallygoodbasketballteamthat stilllostincolumbus.com”
by Rob Durham on Dec 11, 2006 3:04 PM EST reply actions
The Show Went on So Long Dept:
It went so long….
Chris Berman did not have time to chase others’ chicks so he ended up telling Brady ‘Brokeback’ Quinn, “You’re with me…Heisman Loser”
by Stacy Keibler Loves Me on Dec 11, 2006 4:14 PM EST reply actions
Rob,
I’m not an Illinois fan. I just live here. But thanks for playing.
by J.J. on Dec 11, 2006 4:27 PM EST reply actions
I’m with Rob here, I was actually sitting just on the outskirts of the student section at Illinois during that game and I had to laugh. Troy didn’t play well in that game, but really, nobody on the offensive side of the ball did. The key is, he didn’t crap the bed and throw three picks like Brady did against Michigan, and he played a full season of top-notch football, unlike McFadden.
There is no use commenting any further though, what’s done is done. I seriously doubt any of the Buckeyes will be taking Florida for granted, Tressel wouldn’t allow it.
I’m looking forward to becoming the first school in NCAA history to win the NCAA football and basketball championships in the same year though!
by Cap on Dec 11, 2006 5:25 PM EST reply actions
Of couse, Cap, he also didn’t throw 3 touchdowns like Quinn did against Michigan…or, you know, one…or break the 250 yard barrier…or the 150 yard barrier..or the 115 yard barrier…
It’s pretty tough to spin 13 of 23 for 108 yards with no TDs and one pick, against a 2-10 team, enough to spell “Heisman.” The Illinois game was the worst game by a Heisman-winning QB in a while, and the second worst might have been Smith going 12-22 for 115 yards, with 1 TD and 2 INTs against Penn State.
by captaineclectic on Dec 11, 2006 6:37 PM EST reply actions
“It’s pretty tough to spin 13 of 23 for 108 yards with no TDs and one pick, against a 2-10 team, enough to spell "Heisman." The Illinois game was the worst game by a Heisman-winning QB in a while, and the second worst might have been Smith going 12-22 for 115 yards, with 1 TD and 2 INTs against Penn State.”
now… I haven’t been following tOSU football much, but this is the surgeon every analyst says is going to disect the Florida secondary?
by JGator on Dec 11, 2006 7:14 PM EST reply actions
SLKM,
Mr. Quinn probably gets more tang than the space program. Go soak your head, jerk.
by Sean F on Dec 11, 2006 7:51 PM EST reply actions
Well, I cherry-picked his crappy games because that’s what everyone who pulls the Quinn/Michigan crap is doing. I actually think Smith will have plenty of success against Florida, but he’s not the reason Ohio State will win.
OSU will win because Smith’s line will give Ginn and Gonzalez time to get open, because Pittman’s good enough to make Florida’s linebackers respect play action, and because Tressel will have the Buckeyes ready for all of Urban’s bells and whistles. Craig Krenzel could be the QB in this game and Ohio State would still probably win. And Smith’s better than Krenzel.
by captaineclectic on Dec 11, 2006 8:51 PM EST reply actions
Cap,
The NCAA does not recognize a Division I football champion. Officially, it recognizes the I-AA tournament winner as its champion. This year, it should officially recognize Troy Smith as the NCAA champion.
By the way, is your handle inspired by Cap the comedian who always wears the Indians cap? If so, excellent.
by notadoctor on Dec 11, 2006 9:54 PM EST reply actions
SKLM,
I don’t like you making fun of Quinn for being gay, but I couldn’t think of a comeback. I was thinking of making the same argument against Leinart, but he’s impregnated about half the women in California, so there that argument goes.
Oh, here we go… Carson Palmer likes K-Fed!!!
by J.J. on Dec 11, 2006 10:54 PM EST reply actions
unfortunately, I’m not that creative. It’s the first half of my last name.
As for smith and heisman, I’m sure that we could find some under par performances by winners in a shorter time frame than “in a while” if we really looked hard. And if you have watched Ohio State football since Tressel took over for Cooper, they do what is necessary and don’t do anything altogether too flashy. That he won the heisman that is built for the betterment of the team and not individual performers is remarkable and speaks to his leadership and playmaking ability.
And if you watch either the Illinois game or Penn State, one could make the argument that without a few plays made by Troy, the Bucks COULD have lost both of those games.
All the talk about, the NCAA dosn’t crown a champion has begun to sound like a bunch of whining by fans whose team hasn’t pulled it off. The fact is, we have a system. for better or worse, this is how we currently crown our champion. If you’re in a BCS conference and you take care of business and win all of your games, there shouldn’t be anything to complain about. Yes, I know Auburn got screwed, but that’s going to happen in an imperfect system. Someone was getting left out either way that year with three teams unbeaten.
Personally, I don’t think an 8-team playoff, is the way to go with letting teams that went 10-2 have a crack at it. It devalues some of the big regular season match-ups. Even a 4-team playoff, if you just took the top for ranked teams, would include a 10-2 LSU squad that didn’t even win it’s DIVISION, let alone CONFERENCE.
How fair would THAT be?
by Cap on Dec 12, 2006 12:23 AM EST reply actions
See, this is what happens when you give us more than 50 days until our next game. What are us OSU fans supposed to do? Go study films of Florida at the Woody Hayes Center? Nope, this is our only way to pass the time. So JJ (I’ll bet everyone just ROLLED on the floor "Rof’ed) when you said, “thanks for playing!” You SLAMMED ME with that high school dialect—ouch-ohh for me! How will I recover?
So someone who was pro-Quinn said OSU could have lost those games with a few plays? What about all of the games that Quinn actually lost—hell you should have lost to Michigan State!
(boy I hope he doesn’t counter this by posting a picture of himself aiming an “L” on his forehead at me)
by Rob Durham on Dec 12, 2006 7:32 PM EST reply actions
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