MY SUCKASS MORNING
by Subcommandante Wayne on Dec 7, 2006 11:16 AM EST
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PrintIn the interest of fairness, we're turning over the site to a lucky Buckeye fan every Thursday until the national championship game. Subcommandante Wayne is here to...well, tell you anything he likes. We only reserve the right to spell check--everything else is straight outta Franklin County, Ohio.
Umm...enjoy?--O.
WASSUP BIOTCHEZZ!!! Subcommandante Wayne is back on the mic. Look at me in my tuff ski mask with my massive assraping amplifiers, you gay gay Gaytors and other shitbag non-Buckeyes!!! Orson is so the dumz0rz for letting me do this.
You want this but can't have it. Suck it! Go Buckeyes!
Sorry to duck out for so long but it's already been a shit-sandwich morning for the Subcommandante. First, it took a little while for the Grand Am to heat up. Then Mom's bitching the whole time about how the ice is making it hard for her to get traction with the cane. Maybe if the bitch didn't weigh 350 pounds that wouldn't be a problem LOL!!!! Then the traffic on the way to the County Permits office where Mom works was a total whore's whore.
So I'm all pent up, right? 'Cause Mom's bitching, and the car's all cold and she's listening to Star 95 in the morning when we should be listening to Skunk 105--those dudes are fucking funny, especially when they interview that homeless guy and make fun of him. Plus they play Saliva and Nickelback, and you haven't lived until you've opened up the Grand Am to BOOM!
God that song makes me hard just like watching Andy Lauranitis does. They're like, the same, right? BOOM!!!! here comes the BOOOM!
So anyway, I'm already pissed, so I decide to let off some steam by putting on the Skunk and going behind the Permits office, where they've got this big parking lot that no one uses that backs up to the turnpike. It's like a half mile of empty lot, right? So I thought I'd blow a little steam off and let the big dog Grand Am eat up all that rage I got.
Yeah, it needs new paint but the nitrous system pwns yours. I streetrace it and cannot be stopped.
Now, I love that car, but speed like that will get you in trouble, especially with the sweetass nitrous kit I got in it. I drove to the end of the lot, and let it loose just as the Skunk started to play a kickass song by Korn. WAAAAAAAA!!!!! It was so awesome, and there's no sweating the cops or anything because the only thing you're gonna hit back there is a cat or something and who cares about a fucking cat BOOOM HAHHAHAHAHA.
Anyway, I hit the nitrous. Everything goes batshit crazy then because I hit an ice patch, spin sideways, and all of a sudden it's like I'm a hamster caught in the vacuum cleaner, everything spinning and going WHOOOOOOM and shit. Actually, for a second it's completely awesome, cause there's Korn playing and McDonald's wrappers flying around the car and the Nitrous is wailing but then I figure out that I'm heading straight for the recycling dumpster way at the end of the lot. The brakes, man, are not working.
The long and short and whatnot is that the whole side of the car is fucked up and not even looking at my Art Schlicter autographed betting stub is making me feel better, man. It looks like someone dragged a giant key down the side of it, and it makes this not funny scary rattle when I drive. I've got six hours before I pick up Mom and get my ass chewed out, so I'm gonna go play a little WoW and talk to my clan about how much my life sucks ass right now.
GO BUCKS tOSU RULZ!!!!
-Wayne
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Damn it! the rest of the day all i’ll be hearing is “BOOM, here comes the BOOM”
by Mack10zie on Dec 7, 2006 11:24 AM EST reply actions
Great stuff. It’s like an updated version of The Onion’s Jim Anchower.
by Orangeblood on Dec 7, 2006 11:30 AM EST reply actions
“… and whatnot”
Straight out of Franklin County, Ohio? Yeah, buddy!
by Sean Fitzgerald on Dec 7, 2006 11:35 AM EST reply actions
Wayne, grab a Bud, put on Guided by Voices, and the day will melt away
by jon on Dec 7, 2006 11:42 AM EST reply actions
First thought that came to mind: Son of Jorel wrote this.
(Apologies if the reference is lost; I’m an mgoblog devotee)
by Jeremy on Dec 7, 2006 11:59 AM EST reply actions
From ohio, and recently living in cbus, and as a buckeye fan, that shit was still funny. It did actually freeze a bit on the roads today up here in Lima, OH, making an normal drive to work a bit crazy when I take a 35 MPH turn at 60.
by bhors on Dec 7, 2006 12:03 PM EST reply actions
Wayne – Just hit the skull bong a few times before you go pick up moms and she’ll be sounding like that teacher from Charlie Brown. And shit.
by tOSU_radar on Dec 7, 2006 12:12 PM EST reply actions
(hits head with shoe)
“That’s my skull! I’m so wasted!”
by Dave on Dec 7, 2006 12:16 PM EST reply actions
Ummm, Wayne? You are a real fan, yet don’t even know my name? For Chrissakes I’m the starting middle linebacker!
by JAMES Lauranitis on Dec 7, 2006 12:37 PM EST reply actions
When is Orson coming back? Please hurry.
At least post some Latin cheesecake for the normal people reading this blog.
by Andy on Dec 7, 2006 12:39 PM EST reply actions
Wayne, that shiznit is so TYTE!! Just ignore all da hatas on here, and keep rockin out with your cock out! My cousins Shane and Larry Skaggs got a ride that’s super tyte like urs…but we just put neon lights under it and strobe lights and shit!
The bitches be lovin it, especially when we’re all methed out and flyin down the back roads at night with no headlight on—just the strobe lights under the car! That shit’s like a spaceship, brah!!!
by RaginCajunRebel on Dec 7, 2006 12:48 PM EST reply actions
Does the library have a wide open parking lot?
by Futbawl Fan on Dec 7, 2006 1:11 PM EST reply actions
Please provide a translator button of some sort. Or more links to nude shots of Catherine Bell.
Thank you.
by Mormon T. Suxorz on Dec 7, 2006 1:16 PM EST reply actions
PSUGirl, I think going to the library is what got them in trouble in the first place…….
by Southern Papa on Dec 7, 2006 1:20 PM EST reply actions
Funny stuff. A real Bucknut would have tagged your banner with “Fuck Michigan” though.
by Big House on Dec 7, 2006 1:25 PM EST reply actions
Tuscaloosa News confirming reports that Alabama has offered Rich Rod
by Tater Salad on Dec 7, 2006 1:46 PM EST reply actions
Dang. If the Florida players are half as good as their bloggers, the game will be over before you can even say Lauranitis.
But even if OSU loses by 38 – it is only because….
…..Urban Meyer. Straight out of Ashtabula.
by Dirk Tensor on Dec 7, 2006 1:49 PM EST reply actions
I think these tOSU folks have already been banned from the library.
by PSUrob on Dec 7, 2006 1:52 PM EST reply actions
Anyone else noticed that Wayne is wearing a wedding ring? I feel bad for Mrs. Subcommandante.
by AUAlum on Dec 7, 2006 1:52 PM EST reply actions
Wayne just took the restrictor plate off, gave the Grand Am a little more juice. But let’s keep that on the down low. She’s not exactly street legal.
by Gator Head Funnel on Dec 7, 2006 1:58 PM EST reply actions
by NewAZTiger on Dec 7, 2006 1:59 PM EST reply actions
NewAZ-
I read that, too. I think that offer is horseshit. No way we offer Saban 5 mill a year, at least imo.
My question is, who is doing the spinning? Saban and Sexton, or sources at UA? UA sources say that UA did not want to wait until the end of the NFL season to make something official. Of course, they could be going after Rod b/c Saban said no. I just don’t see Saban turning down an increase in pay, especially with the bang up job he is doing in Miami.
by Tater Salad on Dec 7, 2006 2:06 PM EST reply actions
on the plus side, his html skills seem to have improved from over a few years ago.
by kleph on Dec 7, 2006 2:08 PM EST reply actions
“… straight outta Franklin County, Ohio.”
via Crawford County (Ohio), home of bratwurst, chronic unemployment, narrow-mindedness, tOSU fans, and other assorted vermin.
by Bash Riprock on Dec 7, 2006 2:09 PM EST reply actions
ESPN radio is reporting that Saban has denied the Miami Herald article.
by D on Dec 7, 2006 2:15 PM EST reply actions
I think Wayne is hilarious. I see his type everyday in Ohio and it is classic!!!!!!
by Odell 51 on Dec 7, 2006 2:25 PM EST reply actions
IQ Dept.:
My IQ has dropped quite a few points reading all of this tOSU stuff recently, and the drinking hasn’t even started!
The funniest thing about the masked avenger tOSU hijacker is that he is wearing a wedding ring. Someone actually married that thing?
by Stacy Keibler Loves Me on Dec 7, 2006 2:29 PM EST reply actions
“The funniest thing about the masked avenger tOSU hijacker is that he is wearing a wedding ring. Someone actually married that thing?”
Mail order bride from SE Asia.
by Bash Riprock on Dec 7, 2006 2:33 PM EST reply actions
Jeremy: SoJ’s not that funny, even by accident. So, Orson, who’s the blogger playing Wayne?
And: it’s L-A-U-R-I-N-A-I-T-I-S. America’s most beautiful (and second-most popular gay fetish object) quarterback will probably know his name all too well when it’s all said and done.
by matsut on Dec 7, 2006 2:41 PM EST reply actions
I sure hope someone is protecting the EDSBS styrofoam coolers…
by Desmond Brady on Dec 7, 2006 2:45 PM EST reply actions
Oh, and Jeremy? It’s not an “updated version” of Jim Anchower, it’s a straight-up ripoff (homage?) of it, right down to the “sorry to duck out for so long” (=“Sorry it’s been a while since I rapped at ya”).
by matsut on Dec 7, 2006 2:46 PM EST reply actions
So, Orson, who’s the blogger playing Wayne?
Mike Ricordati. The schtick is basically his radio show with cleaned up grammar and better logic, isn’t it?
by DevilGrad on Dec 7, 2006 2:49 PM EST reply actions
“And: it’s L-A-U-R-I-N-A-I-T-I-S. America’s most beautiful . . . quarterback will probably know his name all too well when it’s all said and done.”
Um, Brady and the Irish are playing in the Sugar Bowl, right? When did we get the upgrade to the NC game?
by Irish Guy on Dec 7, 2006 2:53 PM EST reply actions
“The funniest thing about the masked avenger tOSU hijacker”
Let’s watch the masked avenger references please.
by maskedavenger on Dec 7, 2006 2:54 PM EST reply actions
Matsut is totally right, though we’d consider it more of a tribute than blatant plagiarism. Let’s see if the legal dept. at the Onion agrees.
by Orson Swindle on Dec 7, 2006 3:04 PM EST reply actions
And Bash, she is a Chechnyan prostitute, and you will address her as such.
by Orson Swindle on Dec 7, 2006 3:05 PM EST reply actions
It’s Sunny 95 actually and you can mention how you had to go buy more wiper fluid at “Meijer” this morning.
by Rob Durham on Dec 7, 2006 3:06 PM EST reply actions
Apologies are in order to the real Avenger…
I can just imagine the missus Red-Masked-Man at dinner parties…
“yeah, he wears a ski mask around the house and won’t even take it off when it comes to nookie time…”
by Stacy Keibler Loves Me on Dec 7, 2006 3:07 PM EST reply actions
Orangeblood—My first thought too: This is a Jim Anchower protoge. -Joe
by Joe from Minnesota on Dec 7, 2006 3:23 PM EST reply actions
Irish “Guy”?….nice to see how you feel about Brady….
Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
by Pants McPants on Dec 7, 2006 3:33 PM EST reply actions
What? He’s OBJECTIVELY the most handsome man on the planet. You can’t deny the truth . . .
by Irish Guy on Dec 7, 2006 3:36 PM EST reply actions
NO WAY is Brady better looking than this…
http://www.orlandosentinel.com/media/photo/2006-12/26691928.jpg
No way.
by zzgator on Dec 7, 2006 3:47 PM EST reply actions
You guys been associating with the Boi from Troy again?
ZZ -Although you have to admit Leak sure knows how to cradle those balls.
OK, this blog has gone extremely awry!
by tOSU_radar on Dec 7, 2006 3:58 PM EST reply actions
You know how I know you’re gay? You are debating on a football blog about whether Chris Leak or Brady Quinn is better looking.
by AllWhoYonder on Dec 7, 2006 3:59 PM EST reply actions
That and you like the movie “Maid in Manhattan”.
by Orson Swindle on Dec 7, 2006 4:01 PM EST reply actions
For you AZ people, the Baseline Killer has been caught . . . and it’s none other than Ray Lewis!!!
http://www.cnn.com/2006/LAW/12/07/baseline.killings.ap/index.html
by Irish Guy on Dec 7, 2006 4:14 PM EST reply actions
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/graphics/packageart/mugshots/rlewismug1.jpg
Compare for yourself.
by Irish Guy on Dec 7, 2006 4:23 PM EST reply actions
I remember seeing Leak as a freshman and saying to my wife, he’ll have no problem with the ladies. I would like to think he is “putting enough points on the board” to rival Wilt Chamberlain. Hopefully for OSU, that’s the only scoring he’ll be doing.
by Crabapple Buck on Dec 7, 2006 5:03 PM EST reply actions
matsut, I didn’t make the Anchower comparison.
And yeah. By the end I was actually doing too much laughing and not enough wanting-to-face-punching for this to be SoJ.
by Jeremy on Dec 7, 2006 5:25 PM EST reply actions
Second, Big House…I thought Yost was just making stuff up about “Fuck Michigan” until I saw it printed on T-shirts and chanted repeatedly on YouTube.
And an unemployed Buck fan who lives with his mom? Is that possible?
by j.j. on Dec 7, 2006 6:17 PM EST reply actions
#9, Nice seeing someone represent Bean Town Lima, Ohio. Being down in Georgia I don’t miss the ice and snow of the north but good to see nonetheless.
Go Buckeyes!
by Richard Cranium on Dec 7, 2006 7:05 PM EST reply actions
That was the first time I read something that made me laugh until I cried. Pure comedy gold. Good job.
by Alex on Dec 8, 2006 8:29 AM EST reply actions
The Grand Am’s license plate is from Washington. I don’t think that car would have made it to Ohio on its own.
by The Duke of Wazzu on Dec 10, 2006 5:03 PM EST reply actions
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