Everyday Should Be Saturday

December 7, 2006

THINGS IT’S OKAY TO CRY AT.

Mom’s gonna be calling me and wanting to get picked up, so I gotta nut up and tell her about the car and how me and my sweet nitrous kit put it into the side of a dumpster today. So before Mom makes Assfat Cacciatore out of my ass, let the Subcommandante tell you something: I might cry when I tell her. Not because I’m a pussy or anything like that–cause I’m not and I will so totally kick your ass, either in real life with a pool ball in a sock, or online in WoW as the powerful Druid Muck Fichigan of Clan Tressel. (Get it?)

I’m gonna cry ’cause this means I might have to take the nitrous kit off the Grand Am. That means no more street-racing dominance, no more anger sessions in the back parking lot of the Permits office, and reduced asskicking for me in general. And if Subcommandante has one mission in life, it’s the same one THE Ohio State Buckeyes have: kicking ass 25/8, brah. I will definitely not be crying because I’m afraid of my Mom or anything like that, because I can totally outrun her anyway, since she gets winded eating a bag of chips.

Anyway, here’s the things that it’s okay to cry about:

1. When that Viking dies in The 13th Warrior. I have the Viking Prayer tattooed on my back, which didn’t hurt because I trust in Odin. But you can cry because that guy is awesome and it sucks when that Neanderthal witch poisons him. Women, man.

2. Losing to Michigan, which WON’T EVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

3. While watching this video of Woody Hayes kicking ass.

See ya next Thursday, people. Stay gay, Gaytors!

–Subcommandante Wayne



Filed under: Big 10 Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Uncategorized  by Orson Swindle

BUCKEYEWITNESS NEWS ROUNDUP: tOSU RULZ.

Subcommandante Wayne, Buckeye fan, is in charge of the blog today. Just a reminder for those wondering where the hell Orson went, which is to the bar.

Orson told me I have to post news and crap about other teams. Well, here’s the first bit of news.

–tOSU RULZ!!! Don’t act like y’all don’t know. Ask bitchy little bitch Korby Jones and his pet jaw Brokey ’bout it.

–Some Florida recruit named Rainey has a lawyer now. Whatever. Everyone knows high school players get paid, but who cares. The real money comes when you get to college, where the big bucks are.

–Alabama’s sucky football team just tried to hire a guy named Rod. Rod. Heh.

–N.C. State’s hiring Tom O’Brien. You know who cares? No one. tOSU rulz.

–Bob Davie to Boston College? This is what you’re supposed to do in blogposts composed of other people’s rumors, like “Lloyd Carr, gay?” Except that’s not a rumor cause he’s totally gay and you know it, bitches.

–USC stuff is going cheap. If you wait ’til it gets in the Goodwill piles, though, it’s even cheaper.

–You know what else is gay? Notre Dame. They named themselves after a girl for pete’s sake. That’s gay. Unless we’re talking about two gay chicks doing it, which it totally hot. I love lesbians–especially when they’re straight.

But I gotta share this funny shit from a Notre Dame blogger about Howard Schnellenberger. I don’t know who that is but it’s a funny name, because it has the word “berger” in it.

–Some dude’s all upset because people have their priorities straight at Florida State. Molecular recognition? I recognize something, perfess3r: DEEZ NUTS!!!!

–Fuck a duck: reserved camping at Jamboree in the Hills is SOLD OUT ALREADY. Anyone out there gonna let the Subcommandante crash on the ol’ couch, eh? I’ll totally get you laid, because when I roll at the Jamboree the poonanny fever outbreak follows me baby, and the only cure is an injection from Dr. Wayne.



Filed under: Atlantic Coast Conference, Big 10 Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Mid Major Conferences, Notre Dame, Pacific 10 Conference, Southeastern Conference, Uncategorized, coaching coup  by Orson Swindle

MY SUCKASS MORNING

In the interest of fairness, we’re turning over the site to a lucky Buckeye fan every Thursday until the national championship game. Subcommandante Wayne is here to…well, tell you anything he likes. We only reserve the right to spell check–everything else is straight outta Franklin County, Ohio.

Umm…enjoy?–O.

WASSUP BIOTCHEZZ!!! Subcommandante Wayne is back on the mic. Look at me in my tuff ski mask with my massive assraping amplifiers, you gay gay Gaytors and other shitbag non-Buckeyes!!! Orson is so the dumz0rz for letting me do this.


You want this but can’t have it. Suck it! Go Buckeyes!

Sorry to duck out for so long but it’s already been a shit-sandwich morning for the Subcommandante. First, it took a little while for the Grand Am to heat up. Then Mom’s bitching the whole time about how the ice is making it hard for her to get traction with the cane. Maybe if the bitch didn’t weigh 350 pounds that wouldn’t be a problem LOL!!!! Then the traffic on the way to the County Permits office where Mom works was a total whore’s whore.

So I’m all pent up, right? ‘Cause Mom’s bitching, and the car’s all cold and she’s listening to Star 95 in the morning when we should be listening to Skunk 105–those dudes are fucking funny, especially when they interview that homeless guy and make fun of him. Plus they play Saliva and Nickelback, and you haven’t lived until you’ve opened up the Grand Am to BOOM! (more…)



Filed under: Big 10 Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, coaching coup, my sweet Grand Am  by Subcommandante Wayne

O-H-I-O! YEAH WASSUP!

WASSUP BIOTCHEZZZ!!!!

Today EDSBS will be under the command of me, Subcommandante Wayne. Orson thought it would be fair to turn over the site for a day to Buckeye fans. I guess that’s because he thought he needed some real football fans on here and not all those pencil-dicked Gaytors coming on the site and talking shit. CAUSE OSU RULZ!!!! That’s what I put on the banner, too. Microsoft Paint is the fucking bomb like Troy Smith!!!


That’s me in my OSU skimask. I’m so sexy and you know you want it.

So we’re talking OSU all day, because the Buckeyes rule. I’m also gonna talk about some of things I like. I like Jim Tressel. I like getting drunk. I fucking hate Michigan, because they suck a total suckrod forever. And now I hate Florida because they’re a total bunch of rednecks who we’re going to pwn and run trains through!!! YEAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!

WOO WELCOME TO THE REPUBLIC OF UZBUCKISTAN!!!!

Oh, and dude, I totally hate the music clips Orson uses, so here’s somre real rock for your morning. Nickelback kicks so much ass you can’t even borrow their shoes ’cause they’re ruined and scratched up from kicking ass.

OSU RULZ!!!!

I gotta take Mom to work and get a groupchat in with my WoW clan but I’ll be back so DON’T GO ANYWHERE LOSERS LOL1111!!!!



Filed under: Big 10 Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Uncategorized  by Subcommandante Wayne

WE’RE JUST TRYING TO HELP.

Bellichick. Spurrier. Saban. Norman Schwarzkopf, for all we know. All have turned down the batting eyelashes of Alabama for their head coaching job, leaving the program hot and heavy for Coach Rich Rodriguez of West Virginia and then counting on…Mike Sherman? Mike Riley? Mike Hunt?

To make the process easier for all involved, we’re offering this visual aid for the entire state. If everyone purchases one, the whole ordeal should be over with in a matter of days.

The person NOT wearing the shirt? There’s your coach, Sparky. Go get ‘em!



Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Southeastern Conference, coaching coup  by Orson Swindle

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