ORANGE BOWL EXPLODES BCS!!!

by Orson on Dec 5, 2006 2:51 PM EST

New York, New York (AP)--

Just days after the BCS announced its intentions to put Florida in the national title game over Michigan, the BCS has also released its revised bowl announcements. The revisions come from a backlash from the bowls themselves, who drastically changed their own invitations after the Florida announcement.

"In light of the developments in the title game, we at the Orange Bowl believed we could field a more television-friendly matchup. Given the...um, logic behind the selection of teams for the championship game, we thought we'd maximize profits, as well," said Albert E. Dotson, Jr, Orange Bowl President, at a press conference on Thursday.

Bela Karolyi hopes to coach a perfect 10 in his first game as a football coach. More below.

The Orange Bowl was to be a matchup between Big East champs Louisville and ACC champs Wake Forest, a matchup most experts had dismal ratings expectations for; the matchup will now be the Michigan Wolverines versus the FedEx Olympic All-Stars, a collection of Olympic athletes who will be playing football for their respective charities. The team will be coached by Olympic gymnastics legend Bela Karolyi, who seemed excited by the opportunity.

"While I am concerned about the matchups along the offensive line, I believe our ragtag cast of bounding gymnasts, five-foot tall Bulgarian powerlifters, and biathletes will perform admirably against a tough, experienced squad like the Wolverines," said Karolyi. "I am particularly encouraged by the lack of adequate steroid testing, which I plan to exploit to the fullest."

The starting quarterback for the Olympic All-Stars will be Olympic gymnast Kerri Strug. "I'm very excited about this opportunity to show what real athletes we are," said Strug. "Coach Karolyi also picked be because he knows I can perform with broken bones." Strug will be joined by fan favorite Michael Johnson in the backfield at running back, along with Justin Gatilin at wide receiver and Italian slalom great Alberto Tomba at fullback.

"The Tomba, he is confused at this game," said the Italian legend, smoking a cigarette in between practice sessions. "Such violence, the hitting, the grunting of the grunty muscles, the smell of the feet and ass in the huddle. She really is disgusting. The Tomba, though, needs cash to flash, and in Miami the women of easy virtue love the style, the hair of the body, and the silky flamboyant shirts of the Tomba. Tomba fever grows like the weed here."

Another notable All-Star is Alexei Karelin, the 6'10", 286 lb. Russian wrestler who went undefeated for 12 years in international competition. "We are very happy he has decided to play," beamed Karolyi. "Considering that he has already killed three men in practice, including Bart Conner, God rest his soul." Karelin did not comment when asked about the alleged practice deaths, only pausing to crush a news van with his bare hands on the way to his afternoon feeding.

Karelin, who may have killed Bart Conner, practices his moves.

Lloyd Carr, attending a luncheon in Michigan, made a brief statement through a Michigan publicist:

"We're thrilled to play the in the game, and can only hope Urban Meyer doesn't whine his way into stealing this paycheck, too. In fact, I'm eating some rubber chicken right now, but Urban Meyer just walked up and complained about that, too, so now I'm just stuck with the salad and dessert courses while he's chowing down on my Kung Pao. So I guess we're lucky he's satisfied for the moment. Thank you, and kiss my white ass."

Given the precedent set, other bowl changes may follow.

--USC is rumored to be entertaining an offer to play the Victoria's Secret All-Stars in the Coliseum, a game where the early line from Vegas favors the Victoria's girls by three. Pete Carroll is reportedly "psyched, like a winner would be," according to his spokesperson.

--Notre Dame has allegedly made contacts with Notre Dame about scheduling what it calls "Equals at Last," an intrasquad match between the Irish and Irish. NBC marketeers are rumored to be pitching the game as "a fitting matchup between Notre Dame and their only equals...themselves." Vegas currently has Irish losing by three.

--Cast out by the Orange Bowl, Bobby Petrino has accepted a bid to play an exhibition game against the Chinese Forced Labor Collective Team in Beijing, China. This comes against the wishes of Amnesty International and several other human rights organizations, who fear that the game will be nothing more than an excuse for the Chinese government to harm and potentially kill imprisoned Chinese dissidents through lopsided competition.

President Hu Jintao strenously denied this charge, saying that "International competition only makes us stronger. It is a glorious day for the People's Republic. Our prisoners will be treated with respect, and given water and gruel throughout the week leading up to the game. Football is a dangerous game, though--we can only hope no one is seriously hurt," Hu said, appearing to giggle for unknown reasons.

Petrino remained unapologetic. "We score points. It's what we do. You got a problem with that, tough. Weakened, near-death, beaten, we don't care. I mean, it's not like we scheduled Temple again. That would be cruelty."

It's not like they're playing Temple again.

--Ole Miss is rumored to have scheduled a man versus lion pride death match involving no one but Coach Ed Orgeron, but administration officials have remained mum. Said one anonymous source: "Ed might have been freelancing a bit for the money. I'm pretty sure he's done that before."

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- According to sources, Rutgers is abandoning the Texas Bowl and is close to coming to an agreement to face the New York Giants.

“When we realized no one in the State of Rutgers would be able to see the game on the NFL Network,” coach Greg Schiano said “especially all of our South Rutgers fans in the Miami area, we decided to look for another venue.”

“We’re in negotiations with the Giants as well as several other NFC teams. The division leaders were not interested, but several other franchises felt this is their best shot to get a win this season. But I know what kind of team we have here, and if we just keep chopping wood, we have a good shot against one of the NFC Wild Cards.”

A source close to the Rutgers athletic department was asked if the New York Jets were considered, and replied “Hey, we’re not stupid. Putting us against an AFC team would be like letting the Cardinals in the World Series.”

by Devin McCullen on Dec 5, 2006 3:11 PM EST reply actions

i heard a rumor out of Oxford that the Orgeron was fighting remnants of the Taliban live on Fox on Christmas Eve to support troop morale. vegas now has even odds on it, but all the Orgeron hears is Bin Laden yelling “I triple dog-dare you!” over and over again in his dreams. I feel good about our national security right now.

by jon on Dec 5, 2006 3:20 PM EST reply actions

The Alamo Bowl has decided to drop Iowa in favor of having the Texas squad face 13,000 Mexicans.

by Orangeblood on Dec 5, 2006 3:23 PM EST reply actions

Gold, Jerry. Gold.

by Flop on Dec 5, 2006 3:27 PM EST reply actions

Also, Michigan is going to opt out of the Rose Bowl and head up to the Napa Valley to play the cast of “Sideways” in an effort to crown the kings of Whine Country.

by Steve F on Dec 5, 2006 3:30 PM EST reply actions

Uh oh… if ND plays ND, Marco may very well explode. Hopefully Hiro will be around to stop it, or the Chevron station in Hermosa Beach may be doomed.

by crazy tom on Dec 5, 2006 3:30 PM EST reply actions

There’s one thing being lost in all of this BCS madness: J-O-R-T-S

by ChuQ on Dec 5, 2006 3:36 PM EST reply actions

“Michigan is going to opt out of the Rose Bowl and head up to the Napa Valley to play the cast of ‘Sideways’ in an effort to crown the kings of Whine Country.”

Actually, we are seeking to play Auburn in the whatever bowl so that on the off chance that UF beats OSU and the more likely occurance that UM would beat Auburn we can at least get the AP title.

Sarcasm is what stage of grief again?

by maskedavenger on Dec 5, 2006 3:43 PM EST reply actions

I dunno if Texas playing 13 thousand Mexicans is such a good idea, didnt work out too well last time…

by Law Devil on Dec 5, 2006 3:44 PM EST reply actions

There has to be a “Miami spends the holidays in Boise” joke in here somewhere. Oh wait.

by Paco on Dec 5, 2006 3:45 PM EST reply actions

Reports out of Boise that they are bringing in a “militia” to fortify existing police forces in antipication of Willie Williams and his (un)merry band of hooligans.

by PSUrob on Dec 5, 2006 3:49 PM EST reply actions

Karelin would’ve made an awesome DE…he wouldn’t even have to move much, he could just chuck O-lineman at the QB…

by Pants McPants on Dec 5, 2006 3:49 PM EST reply actions

Temple (1-11) beat Bowling Green, who beat Ohio, who beat Northern Illinois, who beat Western Michigan, who beat Illinois, who beat Michigan State, who beat Pittsburgh, who beat Virginia, who beat Miami (FL), who beat Boston College, who beat Brigham Young, who beat TCU, who beat Texas Tech, who beat Texas A&M, who beat Texas, who beat Oklahoma, who beat Washington, who beat Washington State, who beat Oregon State, who beat USC, who beat Arkansas, who beat Auburn, who beat Florida. Temple in the NC!!

by Dante on Dec 5, 2006 3:50 PM EST reply actions

That visual will sustain us for the rest of the day, Pants.

by Orson Swindle on Dec 5, 2006 3:50 PM EST reply actions

Put Katerina Witt at wide receiver and I’d pay to watch it.

by craig mclaughlin on Dec 5, 2006 3:52 PM EST reply actions

Or is it Katarina…

by craig mclaughlin on Dec 5, 2006 3:54 PM EST reply actions

Vegas currently has Irish losing by three.

Isn’t that pretty much always the case?

by Aerobab on Dec 5, 2006 3:59 PM EST reply actions

Craig,
Katerina… Katarina … it doesn’t matter.
I’d split the PPV cost with you.
But only if she agreed to play tight end.

by GamecockTony on Dec 5, 2006 4:11 PM EST reply actions

“…if she agreed to play tight end.” I think it’s too late for that, Tony.

by craig mclaughlin on Dec 5, 2006 4:15 PM EST reply actions

I’m convinced Florida payed big bucks to get into the NC game, THE Mike Leach voted Michigan #2 and I don’t think many people would deny their fear of Mike Leach and his dastardly cronies busting their kneecaps with crowbars for refusing to go along with him.

by Aaron on Dec 5, 2006 4:28 PM EST reply actions

I was going to make some snarky comment about the prospect of getting tackled by lingerie models being a defensible excuse for USC’s O-line getting “leveled,” but I can’t get by the visual of Letitia Casta or similar hotties in football pants, eye black, and that’s about it…

Sorry, was I typing something?

That line of 3 might be too generous.

by DC Trojan on Dec 5, 2006 4:32 PM EST reply actions

Let’s make sure to have Tonya Harding on that squad. Her nasty streak would make her the perfect free safety. Imagine Reggie Nelson with PMS. Ain’t no receiver crossing the middle on her.

by Mormon T. Suxorz on Dec 5, 2006 4:41 PM EST reply actions

The kicker would have to be Eddie “The Eagle” Edwards.

by Orson Swindle on Dec 5, 2006 4:43 PM EST reply actions

It appears I was incorrect and hasty on the earlier rumor re: The Orgeron and Taliban.
It now appears he will leg wrestle John Bolton for the presidency of the UN security council in the nude. Broadcast will remain on Fox.

Also, for the former Olympic team, don’t let Carl Lewis be team water boy, or all drug tests will come back positive

by jon on Dec 5, 2006 4:59 PM EST reply actions

I am always happen to see Alberto Tombo being put to good use!

by Pellee on Dec 5, 2006 5:10 PM EST reply actions

Irish vs. Irish Dept.:

How about this Irish vs. Irish matchup:

Notre Dame vs. Belfast Trojans * in the re-named Schelaleigh Bowl. (There is actually an American football league in the Emerald Isle playing under NCAA rules. Amazing. Too bad they do not have a team called the Fighting Americans, or Whining Michigangsters)

Charlie Weis will finally have a shot a beating the Trojans.

Belfast Trojans Site:
http://www.belfasttrojans.com/home.htm

Regarding the USC Trojans, no matter how much film they watch of the Victoria’s Secrets babes, they will not be able to stop them at the line… no matter what….(My vote for the hottest VSecret babe is Adriana Lima. (SFW **)

http://www.glamurno.com/uploads/posts/thumbs/1150739732_glamurno_7.jpg

by Stacy Keibler Loves Me on Dec 5, 2006 6:58 PM EST reply actions