BELIEVE IT WHEN YOU HEAR IT, BUT…BCS LIVEBLOG
The L.A. Times is reporting that Florida’s in the title game, but we won’t believe it ’til we hear it from the network of football playin’ robot graphics, Fox.
This woo-hoo sponsored by Fox, the official network of the BCS Championship game and “Tehran Nights,” The Upcoming Invasion of Iran.
More to come…
7:33 p.m. 17 minutes until the announcement, and Fox shows midgets dancing on top of a television as Jimmy Kimmel watches. Fox execs cannot find enough ways to tell you how much they think you should be turned into Soylent Green, you miserable, lobotomized proles.
7:42 p.m. 6:26 left. In honor of Joe Buck, we’re doing this whole thing with our pants down with our ass facing the screen. We do not apologize for this disgusting display, a phrase we’ll also apply to Florida’s long list of marginal and often improbable victories this year.
7:50 p.m. OOH! Shadowy men carrying an aluminum brief case! State secrets you can only hear on Fox! Unless you read the LA Times, of course.
7:52 p.m. Wow. Barry Alvarez’s tie is telling me to do scary things, mom. Perhaps he’s already dressing like a man who should be coaching the Miami Hurricanes.
7:55 p.m. Boise’s gone so bonkers as to include the two black people who live in Idaho who don’t play for the football team. Wait, there’s three–we know a lady who lives there, and don’t see a sign of her.
7:58 Charles Davis performs win/loss tautology in said form: Boise/Oregon State/USC. Therefore Boise beats USC! This is going to be awesomer than awesome, Fox. Gimme some fucking robot football players NOW, dammit.
We would like you to remember that this liveblog is brought to you by Volkswagen. Remember that accidents can happen at any–BOOOMSCRIEEEEEEEEKSLAMMAAAIIIIGGGGH!!!!! Whoa.
8:07 p.m. Wake–Louisville. Yes, Peter. Fox execs are drinking shots of tequila and chasing them by swallowing razor blades whole at this point.
8:10 p.m. It’s on television so it must be true: we’re going to the national championship game.
We need a moment.
AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8:12 p.m. It’s unjust, it’s unfair. Michigan deserves to play. Louisville deserves to play. Urban’s saying these exact words right now. It’s all just so unfa–
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! (breathe) WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
8:16 p.m. Pollsters broke heavy for Florida. Squishy, faulty humans….obviously another indicator of how biased voters were by the late exposure to the Gators in the championship game. Michigan’s a victim of the SEC’s cash pig conference game—
—WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
8:21 p.m. Notre Dame, we’re not saying we know anyone who could get this, but if you just happened to need designer steroids undetectable by all but the most sensitive of drug filters…well, you know our email address. You’ll need them because holy shit, LSU is a very much bad draw for you. They’ve got a Brobdingagian at quarterback–do you know how big those things are? Anyway, it’s going to be a—
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8:26 Urb and the boys are singing the fight song! Like men bonding over love of school and sportsmanship and the sweet joy of football! Presumably, they couldn’t get cameras into the smoky, cash-littered OSU player lounge, where the hot-tubbing Ted Ginn celebrates by pouring Cristal over the breasts of five members of the Buckeyes well-maintained harem. Like Club Xcess, the inside of the Buckeye LuvaLounge will never be put on film.
8:32 There’s a dog in Ann Arbor with Lloyd Carr’s bootprint on its ass. Life is not fair–totally and completely unfair. Planes crash. Ships sink. Asteroids hit you pet emu in the prime of his—
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
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