Old coaches never die, they just go to someplace with lower expectations. And become vampire coaches, prowling the landscape and waiting for the invite they need.

Rick Neuheisel–J.D. holder, a fact which must be mentioned in every single article ever written about him–is a rumored candidate for the UAB job pending imminent departure of current Blazers coach Brown the Lesser, Watson, brother of Mack. UAB players, dust off those brackets now, ’cause coach plays to win in those things. Again, that’s Rick Neuheisel, he of the slight ethics problem, going to coach not just in the Southeast, but in Alabama. Life requires no satire sometimes.

The other vampire coach who looks “10 years younger” since he left coaching is Gary Barnett, the original EDSBS Sooper Genious and former Colorado coach. “I’d really like to get back into coaching,” says Barnett, who after de-aging ten years since leaving has exhausted his supply of innocent blood and needs an ample supply of the sort a D-1 football squad could provide to sustain him for the next century or so.

It amuses us to imagine these two as Louis and Lestat from Interview with The Vampire, wandering the earth in search of fresh blood, with Neuheisel/Louis trying to go straight and eating rats to survive while Barnett/Lestat mocks him and giddily devours another showgirl whole. “You’ll get used to killing, Rick…”


Guess who’s back. Back again. Shady’s back. Bring a stake.

If one of these two ends up at Alabama, though…call Blade. He’s got a job to do, when he’s not shilling for the Total Gym or getting nabbed in Namibia on tax evasion. He could use the cash.