ATTACK OF THE VAMPIRE COACHES

by Orson on Nov 30, 2006 11:25 AM EST

Old coaches never die, they just go to someplace with lower expectations. And become vampire coaches, prowling the landscape and waiting for the invite they need.

Rick Neuheisel--J.D. holder, a fact which must be mentioned in every single article ever written about him--is a rumored candidate for the UAB job pending imminent departure of current Blazers coach Brown the Lesser, Watson, brother of Mack. UAB players, dust off those brackets now, 'cause coach plays to win in those things. Again, that's Rick Neuheisel, he of the slight ethics problem, going to coach not just in the Southeast, but in Alabama. Life requires no satire sometimes.

The other vampire coach who looks "10 years younger" since he left coaching is Gary Barnett, the original EDSBS Sooper Genious and former Colorado coach. "I'd really like to get back into coaching," says Barnett, who after de-aging ten years since leaving has exhausted his supply of innocent blood and needs an ample supply of the sort a D-1 football squad could provide to sustain him for the next century or so.

It amuses us to imagine these two as Louis and Lestat from Interview with The Vampire, wandering the earth in search of fresh blood, with Neuheisel/Louis trying to go straight and eating rats to survive while Barnett/Lestat mocks him and giddily devours another showgirl whole. "You'll get used to killing, Rick..."

Guess who's back. Back again. Shady's back. Bring a stake.

If one of these two ends up at Alabama, though...call Blade. He's got a job to do, when he's not shilling for the Total Gym or getting nabbed in Namibia on tax evasion. He could use the cash.

Tweet Comment 14 comments | 0 recs |

Do you like this story?

Comments

Where is part two of Michael Lewis’ interview, you slackers? :p

by AUgrad on Nov 30, 2006 11:29 AM EST reply actions

Got SOLON’s picks for the week? Need to get my bets in. GO GATORS!

by jspags on Nov 30, 2006 11:32 AM EST reply actions

We promise the Michael Lewis article is coming, possibly tomorrow. That’s after we post Solon’s picks, which comes after we mock Arkansas.

We’ll try to make it work! Jesus take the wheel!
(Skurrrrrrreeeecchhhhhh…CRASH!)

by Orson Swindle on Nov 30, 2006 11:37 AM EST reply actions

Brilliant post! Love the Louis/Lestat comparison.

What happened to Watson? Retired or fired?

by Orangeblood on Nov 30, 2006 11:53 AM EST reply actions

Watson is probably going to “retire” to the AD position at UAB.

Also, Neuheisel getting canned for an office pool is one of the most ridiculous things so far in this new century. Not that he’ll make UAB a legit program (there’s not enough talent left over in AL after AU and UA for that), but I think they’ll be able to go bowling again.

by A5 on Nov 30, 2006 11:56 AM EST reply actions

Another vampire coach who might resurface is Jim Donnan. He’s an NC State alum and might be a fallback choice after Cowher, Chow and others turn down the pack. Plus, his somnambulent speech pattern makes one wonder if he’s half dead already.

Also, everyone knows that Hoover High’s Coach Propst is taking over for Watson Brown. They’re just waiting for the Bucs to get eliminated (professional courtesy) and for the MTV lawyers to get clearance to take cameras onto the UAB campus.

by LD on Nov 30, 2006 12:03 PM EST reply actions

the mocking of Arkansas, eh?

This is what I’ve been waiting all season for Orson…

by Chris on Nov 30, 2006 12:13 PM EST reply actions

Slick Rick to UAB? Color me thrilled! I wonder if that’ll mean greater scrutiny on the March Madness pool we’ve run for the last few years, though.

And if anyone hires Gary Barnett after the US-Olympic-hockey-team-in-a-hotel-room mess he left at Colorado, they’re frickin’ crazy. Yet there’s a part of me that’s just positive he’s somehow going to end up with the Alabama job.

by Doug on Nov 30, 2006 12:15 PM EST reply actions

“Neuheisel getting canned for an office pool is one of the most ridiculous things so far in this new century.” It could have been that, or possibly the interview with the 49ers he lied about, or the taint of NCAA transgressions he’s left in his wake everywhere he’s been, or the midnight rape, or the nude gay art show…but you’re right, it was probably just the soft mattress….

by Ltrain on Nov 30, 2006 12:26 PM EST reply actions