We once had a motorcycle wreck. Laid a bike down when a black sedan blocked the right lane of northbound traffic by pulling perpendicular across it, only to be followed by a second black sedan that blocked the other northbound lane. Skidding along the pavement and donating our upper layer of skin to the asphalt, the thought did pass: if death weren’t potentially involved, this would be wayyyy fun.

That’s pretty much the official EDSBS take on South Carolina/Florida. It knocked us down in the rankings. We looked comically inept for most of the game. Our insurer called immediately after the game, informing that our premiums went up as a result of being in direct attendance. And yet, there’s the noise below, and Reggie fuckin’ Nelson sprinting headlong into the stands to hug anyone and everyone he could grab.

It was top five fanboy moment-worthy, even with the death thing and all hanging around there at the end. Screw rankings, punditry, and the beauty contest that is the national title race. Style points, be gone–the experience trumped all here. We wouldn’t have had it any other way at the end.

Any practice where “Tom Lemming” can be considered an expert is a dark, amoral science indeed. If you had forgotten that beneath the robust heartbeat of the season’s action there lies the nasty drumbeats of recruiting, well, the Herald reminds you that if you lack both morals and the ability to make an interest that does not revolve around your own interests, you may be a future politician, assassin, or ideally, a college football recruiter.

This would be disgraceful: Rivals.com’s Bobby Burton expects opposing schools will use Bryan Pata’s shooting death in negative recruiting against Miami. Former assistant Don Soldinger said he knows with certainty that schools had tried to scare recruits with the ”violence in Miami” angle.

It is true, though. If you go to Miami, you’ll get shot. Every. Damn. Day. And if you go to Berkeley–dude, you’re getting syphilis! And if you go to Georgia, well, you’re getting a ticket for driving on a suspended license. It’s some kind of initiation thing they have going. And if your prized recruit child commits to USC? Will totally be partied into an anorexic mess by hanging out with Paris or Nicole. But they will be so, so thin, and that is hott.

Do you want your child to end up like this? Say no to the Trojans. After all, that Guatemalan plastic surgery adds up after a while.

It’s gotten this bad. We’d watched it as the Florida offense devolved from its preseason fanciness into neanderthal single wing floudering. We’d seen it as Tennessee binged on points and then was brought to earth by relentless blitzing and the inevitable injury of their very tall and very skinny quarterback by bruising, bulge-muscled defenders. We saw it in the newly patient Spurrier the White, a slightly paler version of his old self who seemed content to work his way down the field against defenses capable of turning his line into weeping speed bumps.

The SEC’s war on offense may have reached a nadir–or its pinnacle, if you prefer–with its most shameless coach, Houston Nutt, who’s all too happy to throw up his hands and just run high school ball if it means winning. Nutt put McFadden at quarterback and let him kill anything that stood in his path, including allowing him to pass for a TD to Monk. Again, Nutt’s lack of a shame gland helped, but asking the question “Is offense dead in the SEC” has now been rendered completely pointless. It is, and its body lays dead beneath a pile of angry blitzing defenders. Only Nutt and occasionally Meyer have the lack of shame to win by running a single wing and admitting that they’re down to treating the patient with leeches, superglue, and fervent prayer.

See video below for Gus Malzahn’s brilliant/completely stupid goal-line sets with McFadden at qb. The worst part is that we’re actually frightened of this crap because it’s the last functional offense in the conference. We’re so exasperated with it we can hardly bring ourselves to make a Dick/Nutt joke.

The Itch thinks FSU has become Weekend At Bernie’s. That might be giving the program too much credit at this point, since Bernie could waterski, and we’re pretty sure that Bobby Bowden can’t do that at this point.

As they point out, not a single one of the picks FSU’s qbs threw was anywhere near a receiver. Not even close. These were Neil O’Donnell-worthy picks, truly works of brilliance. At one pont Weatherford tossed a pick to a lineman in coverage, who looked like hippo who’d found a particularly tasty hunk of rivergrass and was sprinting to shore to keep the others away from it.

What’s their recruiting pitch now for qbs?

–”You’ll definitely get lots of cardio playing with us.”

–”CSTV has plenty of open jobs for you after graduation.”

–”If you love the jump ball and the square in, well, you’ll love us.”

–”You ever seen the run and shoot? Imagine that without the run.”

–”Secretly convinced that despite your successes you’re actually a failure waiting to happen? Dream, meet reality.”

–”FSU: where qbs learn tackling very, very well.”

Tackling: a skill essential for the FSU quarterback.

Vile nepotism come home to roost. Smells like…well, vile nepotism, actually. Kind of a burnt smell with a toxic, burned rubber edge.

The crash over the weekend seems to have bitched up the comments mechanism. If you’re getting a “You must be logged in to register” notice when you comment, let us know at harumphharumph of the yahoo.com variety.

Back from the dead, since a rapid-fire trip to Gainesville, some intense Guitar Hero 2 sessions, a coronary-inducing game against South Carolina, and subsequent joyfest of watching the local ABC game (Wake Forest annihilating FSU at home muhhahahahhahahahahaha!!!) will take it out of a man.

Thank god for federal holidays, though. We have the day off and therefore will be recapping the weekend where 2 losses became the new hottness in college football. The new hottness follows, listed by fad, fashion, or emerging trend you’re already sooooo behind on:

Eight-foot tall defensive ends who play special teams. Jarvis Moss may be on the disabled list this week against Western Carolina, since his penis should have burn marks on it from all the action the grateful ladies of Gainesville gave it after he singlehandedly won the South Carolina game for Florida on Saturday.

Moss: will miss the next game for all the right reasons.

Moss blocks the extra point following the Cocks potential game-winning TD, and then leaps forty feet in the air to block the Cocks’ 47 yard FG, which looked dead perfect before it slapped into the outstretched flesh of Moss’ hand. Urban Meyer was supposed to bring offense back to the SEC, but in a game where Florida’s best plays came off qb draws and blocked kicks, Meyer appears to have pulled a switcheroo with the ghost of Earl Blaik and taken the SEC back three decades along with Houston Nutt’s innovative new “McFaddenwing” offense.

If they face each other in the SEC championship game, do not be shocked to see the winning points come off a fumblerooski, statue of liberty play, or off of a triple reverse pass, which Vernell Brown will mercifully not be around to see. We’ll be in the stands with our flask screaming for a punt on third down.

Injure your backup qb prematurely. Be proactive, and injure your starting quarterback prematurely. Have a lineman fall sideways on his knee, or encourage him to stay out late in a bad bar with hundred dollar bills taped to his back. Then encourage his backup to go free solo the nearest 800 foot crag to “confront his fears.” Because if you do these things, your team will immediately begin their most improbable win streak in its history, because as a rule your third stringer is the most charismatic person on your team and will lead the team to their biggest victory ever.

Xavier Lee woke up screaming…

We’ll call this “The Riley Skinner Rule,” which at the very least must be true in certain small towns in North Carolina. After watching Wake Forest players laughing at FSU’s play in the fourth quarter of Wake’s 30-0 murder of Florida State at Tallahassee, Jim Grobe will be paying players to kneecap his starting qbs and jerry-rigging the depth chart to keep the streak going. How this ever happened for Wake we’ll never know, but had they not blown a field goal in the Clemson game, the Demon Deacons would be 10-0 right now and threatening in the national title picture. Again, Bizarro Superman says you’re welcome.

USC says fuck you,fuck you, fuck you. Faded? Entering what we called the “trough of a middle-aged dynastic run?” We’re beginning to suspect that Oregon and Iowa are the same team playing in different uniforms, since every time we underrate them they pants themselves against someone they’re “supposed to beat this year” on national television and remind us why we don’t gamble anymore. (Howdya think we ended up watching all of this from an underpass somewhere in North Florida? Choice?)

USC’s looking just fine at the moment, and an upcoming matchup with Notre Dame shouldn’t frighten anyone since the Irish secondary is still playing fire drill an almost every single snap, something the mindmelded duo of Sarkisian and Kiffin may have noticed when watching film. They should fear Cal, though, since Cal futzed around, ate some Skittles, and paused thoughtfully to look at the sunset while Arizona decided to win a game against them. Pissed and focused is totally the way to go through life, son, and with USC on the horizon that is precisely what they’ll be.

USC, though, will likely just keep saying “fuck you, fuck you, fuck you” to anyone who’ll put forth inane predictions of their demise. That Pete! He’s so mellow and West Coast. It’s his freewheeling, breezy approach to the game that makes him so successful. We bet he hangs out at players’ houses and plays Halo 2 with ‘em and stuff.