It really does get worse every week: the more evidence we get, the more inept we look trying to pile it into some comprehensible order that can be defended with “fuck off, you try doing this shit !”

With that, our Blogpoll draft for week eleven. Someone brain it with a shovel before it squirms into the wild. Notes and clarifications of a sort follow:

Rank	Team	Delta
1	Ohio State	—
2	Michigan	—
3	Texas	—
4	California	1
5	Louisville	1
6	Florida	3
7	Southern Cal	3
8	Arkansas	8
9	Auburn	1
10	Notre Dame	1
11	West Virginia	4
12	Tennessee	8
13	Rutgers	2
14	LSU	8
15	Wake Forest	5
16	Oregon	5
17	Oklahoma	2
18	Wisconsin	5
19	Georgia Tech	5
20	Maryland	6
21	Clemson	3
22	Nebraska	4
23	Boston College	11
24	Brigham Young	2
25	Boise State	—

Notes

1. The Big Ten Bolus doesn’t move: OSU or UM’s up there, and no one budges for two weeks barring completely unforseeable football cataclysm. Toss in Texas as best one-loss team, and there’s some sanity at 1-3.

2. Cal at 4. Straight up destroying people and benefits from Early Season Loss Rule. (Memory so…short…did they lose? Who was that to…YAY! CANDY BOWL LOVE CANDY YUM!)

3. Louisville’s defense performed elegant Tai Chi around West Virginia’s runners all night last Thursday; kudos to them for nourishing their spirit and their body simultaneously. That also gives up five hundred plus in total offense, too; take out the TOs, and it’s another Arena Ball Special. Thus, Cal above them.

4. Florida at five. Offensive decline makes this very jittery pickings indeed.

5. USC whips legless dog Stanford up a few lines in the polls, so they still show they are capable of wrath, which is good for them. Likely still too high here, but watch your polls because popping up down there is…

6. Arkansas, who lost by four zillion points to USC. Some margins seem rational to forgive on losses–see Auburn/Florida here–but Arkansas just got mangled by USC. And Arky beat…

7. Auburn, who has taken a month off since Florida and is rolling in the warm, healing mud of Buffalo, Tulane, and Arkansas State. Sequencing matters; thus, late season cookie binge gets punished.

8. Notre Dame’s settled in at the ten spot. Bought some nice stuff at IKEA. Did a little painting. Bought a rug or two. Made Joe Dailey look competent. Ten’s nice and comfy, don’t you think?

9. West Virginia tumbles because despite having a DB named John Holmes they get no penetration on defense. Tennessee gets the karma boomerang courtesy of their home stunner victim last year, LSU, who gets a moderate bump because they beat Jonathan Crompton, not Erik Ainge. Tennessee would have won with Ainge. We say that not only because we think that, but also to torture the souls of Tennessee fans bingeing on hypotheticals today. Because we’re like that, you know.

10. Wake Forest says “Move, bitch.” This alone should make you prepare to steal all those unoccupied cars that’ll be rolling into trees and apartment buildings when the Rapture comes.

The rest, as usual, is a mess. Gouge away.

Saturday, things went badly for the Vols. First, they angered Jamarcus Russell, the black Lorenzen, by forcing him to win a game at the wire rather than running away. No problem–he did that anyway, sending the Neyland crowd into the furious trademark silence that accompanies any game that’s in doubt in the last quarter.

Fulmer undoubtedly cited their lack of fundamentals in the postgame speech. Tennessee players responded by going back to the classics: a three-player arrest for FnDC. (Fightin’ n Da Club, for those uninitiated in the lingo of the Fulmer Cup.)

If there has ever been a sign that Tennessee is back…well, this is it. That and an appearance in their favorite bowl, of course.

It’s all about fundamentals: fat jokes, Citrus Bowl jokes, and FnDC.

Part two of the weekend review brings us the Sells, which must come in bunches this week as teams collapse to the finish line of the season. Terry Hoeppner, why did you make us do this?

Sells.

Missouri. The schedule looked a little cakey…and then the sugar crash confirmed it. Like many investments, it sounded too good to be true and was, since they were cruising on a no-name defense and the heralded efforts of a ballsy sophomore. Three losses in their last four games confirm that Missouri got fat on a steady diet of Ohio, New Mexico, and Colorados to get to 6-0; now that they’re punchdrunk in the middle of the Big 12 schedule, it’s Atkins time for the Tigers.

It’s nothing but egg whites and turkey bacon for you, Missouri.

Georgia. Mark Richt is the recipient of the Dorian Gray award this year. Perpetually youthful-looking, Richt looks like the inexperience at qb, the discombobulation of his offense, and the outright charity of Willie Martinez’s defense has combined to age him ten years in one, with new silver streaks visibly rising from his temples mid-press conference.

The Atlanta media, typically the Georgia Fan’s Pravda, has even picked up on the obvious deficiencies of the Georgia program: the patty-cake o-line and the lackluster recruiting and coaching that go into it, the rubber-palmed wideouts, and (cue chorus of Dawg fans who spell it d-a-w-g) Willie Martinez. When Johnny Captoothsportsguy on the local news mentions “changes at the end of the season,” it’s a mathematical truth that someone’s losing their head.

Losing to Kentucky, of course, doesn’t help either.

Florida’s offense. Stranko said it best: “How does a team with this much alleged speed play so slow?” We only have hypotheses, but here’s a few:

Substandard run blocking. The middle of the line looks less like the perfectly orchestrated hippo ballet of run blocking and more like a rugby scrum, with players falling all over each other in the process. We have no reasonable guess why blue-chip lineman superbly conditioned and trained for this scheme would still be having trouble pushing Vandy’s d-line around on a Saturday in November. We blame society.

Chris Leak’s Genes. Blame his genes, that only told him to grow to 5′ 11 (allegedly–Leak’s probably closer to 5′10 in shoes.) Leak’s been rolling out more than ever this season because he can’t see over the line, thus eliminating the seams that should be forming across the middle of field for the passing game. Also blame his DNA for his lack of arm strength and indecision: his deep balls went for picks, and even the quick hitches and screens lollygagged through the air on the way to the receivers, allowing the defense to close immediately.

For contrast: watch Alex Smith run the Utah offense, and bring a stopwatch: the ball is out with a zip and flash nonexistent in this offense. Also remember to mute the video. You’ll be sorry if you don’t.

The run threat, the pass speed, and ability to work under defensive pressure…it was all present in Alex Smith. It’s not in the merely very good Chris Leak, whose “square peg, round hole” storyline fatigue has reached a new low in terms of overuse this week.

Indiana. We love you, we give you pub, we liquidate our college fund to buy you a pair of diamond earrings…and you betray us, Indiana, by letting sodden old Glen Mason and his struggling Minnesota team detonate a season’s worth of frustrations by strapping a bomb to your face and beating you 63-23. Hiccups on the way to goodness? Sure. But a score starting with 63 in the Big Ten better involve a mercy match against the Chippewas next time.

Iowa. Losing 21-7 to Northwestern is, in fact, downright Kafkaesque. This is true even though the Northwestern qb with the fabulously literary name didn’t start this game. Drew Tate must raise his eyes from under center and see the blue screen of death; he needs rebooting and needs it fast, and Iowa apparently doesn’t have the kind of tech support he needs. Where is the deadly accurate Tate who shredded Florida in the Outback Bowl? And are his NFL draft chances truly affected by his struggles in a sleepy Iowa offense this year? Why does Iowa keep hoodwinking us into ranking them sky-high in our preseason poll every year? And why do we keep falling for it? Probably because we love too much.

Perhaps we loved Iowa too much. It’s not you, it’s us.

Notre Dame’s defense. UNC scored 26 points on Notre Dame. This would be the equivalent of a doctor telling you had a slight tumor. On your brain. Where they couldn’t reach it. Ever. And you hear nothing but the words “small,” and then head out happily to go about the rest of your day. Notre Dame hasn’t played an offense in the past month that could make them sweat with any consistency; when they do, you can cue “Yakety Sax” again, because Brady will be chucking and ducking to catch up, since the ND rushing courteously asks people to step aside instead of knocking them on their ass. In fact, if Irish fan-types are to be believed, this could get worse since Tyrone Willingham’s signees for the next year consist of two mediocre green-chippers, a trained golden-throated sun bear named Larry, and the cast of Reno 911, because Ty just loved that show.

Ty loved Reno 911. So do we, but for all the wrong reasons.

Marcus Thomas, the phenomenally talented DT for Florida, was kicked off the team prior to the Vandy kickoff. Here’s Thomas talking about why it happened. (HT: Mack10zie.)

Thomas flaked, but we ask this question: if a 21 year old kid is smoking marijuana regularly, is a 12-step program needed? It’s not like he’s Vernon Maxwell smoking crack in the lockerroom at the half; he’s a guy with a liking for weed, which we smoked plenty of in college. And at our most baked and Mario Kart-addicted, we never thought a 12-step program was in order.
Thomas broke his promises, has no excuse, etc…but could the whole thing could have been avoided with a slightly more sane policy on drug use? Namely, that all drugs aren’t the same, and that a marijuana test should earn different treatment than a DUI, positive cocaine test, or other such violation?

Without invoking a huge debate on federal drug policy: is a 12-step program a bit draconian for a positive weed test?

Is your college-aged child playing too much Mario Kart? He may be funding terrorism.

This week’s edition of Buys and Sells comes after…well, after a zillion month absence. Hey! You want consistency, go buy stocks in death, taxes, and Waffle House. Otherwise, enjoy the latest edition of the sporadically updated Swindle Montana Investment prospectus, broken up into three different pieces to allow for expansion, digression, and the sad lack of a copy editor we can’t kill.

Buys:

Colt McCoy. We choose him over the team, mostly because when you look up passing efficiency only pitching machine Colt Brennan (whose parents also watched Falcon Crest and The Fall Guy) ranks higher than Colt McCoy in the nation right now. We’d also like to congratulate both kids for being born boys and avoiding the curse of being named Alexis Carrington McCoy/Brennan.

McCoy’s been composed, savvy, fast, and to this point is actually statistically ahead of where Vince Young was at this point last year. He’s going to set the record for touchdowns thrown at Texas in his first year as a starter. We normally rely on hyperbole, reference, and neologism to say what a badass someone has been on the football field. The highest compliment we can give McCoy is that we can happily rely on facts and statistics to do that for us.

Oklahoma. Now that they don’t have a white quarterback with brass door hinges for knees, this pick comes a little easier than it used to for us. (Never, ever, ever will we see a big game quarterback worse than Jason White in the clutch. Chris Rix, you are excused because shamefully you beat Florida, a memory which just caused us to spill coffee on our lap. Apache Chief says he can no longer…enlarge. Call Harvey!) Oklahoma remains content with simply winning games, improving their secondary play, and taking advantage of a quarterback who can run well and pass with mostly positive effects.

Thomas Decoud, and by proxy, Cal. Decoud is the special teamer who retarded Korey Bosworth (and possibly himself) on a block during Desean Jackson’s punt return against UCLA. Stay down, Luke. Stay down.

Shame on a Bruin! Cal is a good example of the dangers of secondhand fire right now; touch them, and you, too, may be consumed in the blaze. The asswhipping at Tennessee galvanized them rather than splintered them; since then they’ve done little but wake up, kick ass, review the carefully organized spreadsheet of names they took during the asskicking (this is Cal, right?) and enjoy the hard-earned sleep of gladiators. If they do not beat USC this year, it will never happen for another thousand cursed years.

Ohio State. Professionals do not lose to [NAME REDACTED.] Cheatypants McSweatervest is a professional. Though OSU fans may be ripping out their hair this week wondering what the hell happened, we would as a longtime observer of all things [NAME REDACTED] like to congratulate the Buckeyes on their workmanlike waxing of Illinois. You may not have known it, but this was the most dangerous game of the year. It’s all part of the [NAME REDACTED] plan, actually: recruit like a demon by lifting weights, water-skiing, and playing PS2 with the guys, convince them that the university will be like Fun Hour with an NFL contract at the end, do whatever it take to get them to believe this, and then lose most of your games while pulling out improbable victories when others least expect it.

You were that improbable victory, Ohio State. Didn’t you get the memo from Illinois? He must have faxed it to you. He’s known for his work with fax machines.

Kentucky and Miss State. By god, Kentucky and Miss State. Cave-chested abused dorklings of the world, unite! If not for Vanderbilt’s special teams unit yielding not one but two blocked punts on the day, the three puny weaklings of the SEC would have completed an unprecedented day of upsets in the SEC. (Florida fans, take solace in the fact that the game was actually not as close as it was last year. This is either an indicator of the fine work Bobby Johnson is doing at Vandy, or a sign of the impending apocalypse. Take the former.)

Call the dual shockers a testament to patience: both coaches could easily have been canned if the whimsy and fantasy of eager boosters and ADD blogger-types (ahem) were indulged. Most people were astonished to find out this offseason that Brooks was a.) still alive, and b.) still kept his job at Lexington after three years of misery and impressive profanity. Check in the clip for evil, menacing Orgeron giggle.

We struggle to even type this without laughing, but Kentucky’s improved play across the margins must be credited to the improved play of the Wildcats’s Andre Woolfolk Woodson, who’s distributed the ball with pinpoint accuracy to UK’s underrated wideouts and backs. His coach? The e’er-maligned Randy Sanders, who may have just found his niche as a mentor of qbs who’s not given the total latitude to outingenious himself as an offensive coordinator.

Miss State, on the other hand, found the perfect opponent on the perfect day: Alabama, a team that like Miss State seeks to “reduce mistakes by taking as few chances as possible at all times.” Rephrased in the local vernacular, that means “brokedick offense, y’all.” In a game where the strategy for both teams was NOT making mistakes, the offense that settled for field goals was going to lose. Mike Shula, paging Mike Shula…

The lame comparison would be the [NAME REDACTED] firing sparked by Croom–that won’t happen, since Shula’s done a good job, recruited well, and been so bland that hitting him with the nastiest of criticisms has been difficult. Another year of meh would have to follow to place an UA alum with a shiny family name, a ten-win season, and no other obvious brand name coaching candidates out there in real jeopardy of losing his job.

The Crimson-White, however, may wish to print a correction.

Wake Forest. The Jim Grobe farewell tour begins now. The single greatest season in Wake Forest history. There’s a long list of sayings that compare to this:

–”The cleanest toilet in Guizhou province”

–”The richest man in Laos”

–”The smartest Irish setter I’ve ever met”

Wake beats the unpredictable Boston College Eagles 21-14, sending mancrushed Matt Ryan to defeat despite a 400 yard passing performance. Wake has Florida State, Maryland, and Virginia Tech still on the docket. They won’t win them all, but they could by probability certainly win one, by luck win two, and by the alignment of certain planets and some very powerful santeria spells win all three. They’re currently en route to the championship in Jacksonville; we’re rooting like hell for them, and not just because of the awesome name of their WR fake in the run game, the “orbit sweep.” See? Their run game’s like something Werner Von Braun would invent….

He aims for the stars! And sometimes he hits London…

Buys: Mike Tranghese. For the second straight week, the marquee game in all the land will be a Big East Matchup. Louisville/Rutgers will be the game of the week. Say that three times, and the Candyman will come and take you home–you might have thought that before the season.

When we were making Cs in Economics, though, we did actually learn a few things though. Harry Truman always wanted a one-armed economist, since they were forever telling him “well, on the other hand” whenever he was about to hear unequivocal good news. The Big East lost Miami and Virginia Tech to the ACC; they gained the ability to compete on the national stage in a different manner, though. Teams that formerly had to chalk two losses on their schedule suddenly found themselves bowl-eligible sitting at game one, the conference was able to add teams that expanded the recruiting base, and the Big East could shop around and add teams it saw as promising prospects on the national scene.

Mike Tranghese orchestrated much of this, and deserves his own special Laurel and Hardy handshake for his work. His revamping of the Big East just shows that the old saying is true: when life gives you lemons, throw them at someone until you concuss them. Then steal their wallet and buy a Corvette with a pussy magnet on their credit card.

Tranghese: looks like he could use a Corvette, actually.

Spurrier used to do it, so it must have worked at one point in combination with other supplements. Buys and Sells coming, but for the moment, dear reader, please accept the fantastically timed camera work revealing Missouri’s choice of in-game nutrition. (HT: Chris et al.)