For comedy, watch Illinois/Ohio State this weekend, where [TEAM REDACTED] will undoubtedly scare the ever-loving shit out of the Buckeyes for three quarters before following script and collapsing.

For drama, watch LSU/Tennessee, which could be reeeeaaaallly good.

For sci-fi/horror, watch Florida/Vandy. Horror=Florida offense, sci-fi= Vandy winning.

For tragedy, watch Wake/Boston College, where your favorite Little Team That Could will get crushed. This will be true no matter who wins, actually.

For farce, watch NC State/Georgia Tech. Chan Gailey Equilibrium must be reached. Chesty’s all over this game.

For kabuki theater, watch Arkansas/South Carolina. One coach may pull a facial muscle attempting to out-gesture the other.

And for snuff films, watch Cal/UCLA, where you may watch Karl Dorrell’s tenure as coach slowly suffocate to its miserable end.

Enjoy. We’re moving right along. And if you don’t like the Muppet Movie, you may remove the human suit you wear in public now, and begin that tasty dinner of cute baby tureen you’ve been saving just for Friday, you sick heartless fuck, you.

A bear in his natural habitat: a Studebaker.