WE MUST IGNITE THIS COUCH! NO, REALLY.
Stanford’s fighting a depleted roster, a coach who isn’t sure how to reach his players, and…their furniture’s unholy alliance with microbes. A staph infection has felled three Stanford starters for significant stretches this season, and it seems a locker-room couch is to blame for the persistent infections.
“We did some things yesterday with the couch, and we’re trying to coach (the players) up better — what they should wear and when should they go sit on the couch,” Harris said. “In other words, you don’t want to be coming in from practice and go plop on the couch when you’re all sweaty.”
At last: West Virginians are found to be not riotous hillbillies destroying property for sheer animal pleasure, but conscientious public health advocates setting an good example for the rest of the country. Tightwad Hill’s headline is still the best on this, though: “STANFORD A 3 POINT UNDERDOG TO STAPHYLOCOCCUS.”
Tree needs antibiotics. Now.
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1
gamecocktony says:
Wow.
If I had picked a campus in severe need of antibiotics, Clemson would’ve been my obvious first choice.
November 3rd, 2006 at 11:00 am
2
PSUrob says:
I would have gone with USC due to the high volume of skanks.
November 3rd, 2006 at 11:06 am
3
PSUrob says:
to clarify: USC (West Campus)
November 3rd, 2006 at 11:07 am
4
gatorwalsh says:
They should just take the UF infirmary approach. Pregnancy tests for every visitor, male or female. It seems to keep our campus running just fine.
November 3rd, 2006 at 11:07 am
5
Newspaper Hack says:
I knew a girl when I was at Carolina who picked up a yeast infection (or some such thing) from fooling around on a nasty couch.
Just goes to show — if you’re going to get down, wrap up your couch.
November 3rd, 2006 at 11:24 am
6
gamecocktony says:
Hack,
It was more of a love seat and she swore she’d never tell, damnit.
Go Cocks.
November 3rd, 2006 at 11:29 am
7
crazy tom says:
Pretty soon it’ll be “Tree is about to die…”
November 3rd, 2006 at 11:32 am
8
The Conscience of a Nation says:
Am I crazy for thinking that they should just throw the damn thing away?
November 3rd, 2006 at 11:54 am
9
Rob G says:
I got gonorrhea from riding a tractor once =(
November 3rd, 2006 at 11:56 am
10
PSUgirl says:
I’m thinking that it’s time to get out grandma’s plastic furniture protectors –
And, ew – on his face?
November 3rd, 2006 at 11:56 am
11
DC Trojan says:
So much for the brain trust at the Vanderbilt of the west. I mean, I know SC only has 1 Nobel prize winner but at least they send someone around the locker room with some Lysol…
I would have gone with USC due to the high volume of skanks.
I’ve seen your student section on t.v., don’t take it out on us.
to clarify: USC (West Campus)
Very droll.
November 3rd, 2006 at 11:59 am
12
The Contrarian says:
That headline reminds me of a sign that some students at Notre Dame hung outside their dorm room window on a quiet fall Saturday during the lean years under Davieham:
“BYE 27 Irish 0″
November 3rd, 2006 at 12:03 pm
13
SeaTrojan says:
Maybe it was caused by leftover germs from their former placekicker, Eric Abrams.
November 3rd, 2006 at 12:04 pm
14
J-skool says:
#8
Methinks as much, too.
November 3rd, 2006 at 12:05 pm
15
lumpy says:
STAPHYLOCOCCUS BOWL
Stanford team couch -3.5 over Wisconsin Band bus seat
November 3rd, 2006 at 12:06 pm
16
PSUrob says:
lumpy….i had heard the uw band committed unspeakable acts but never saw any details…do you have any links?
November 3rd, 2006 at 12:44 pm
17
Rex Cramer says:
And I thought Stanford was supposed to be where the “smart” people go. If the couch is spreading infections, don’t teach the players when to sit on it. Throw that shit out.
Note to the Trojans: Do NOT sit on the couch in the locker room this weekend. That is all.
November 3rd, 2006 at 1:03 pm
18
Her Loyal Sons » Friday Roundup: Baby, It’s Cold Outside. says:
[...] EDSBS points out that Stanford players, while terrible at football and probably intelligent, are sorta naive about persoanl cleanliness. [...]
November 3rd, 2006 at 1:10 pm
19
Stacy Keibler Loves Me says:
PSU Rob:
Taking a cheap shot at the USC Trojans? When the male chickens of South Carolina actually do something, they may attempt to fight for the “USC” gold standard initials.
But, for now, getting lip from someone from PSU, especially about women, is as ridiculous as hearing that Louisville should be in the bs-BCS championship game.
November 3rd, 2006 at 1:24 pm
20
Stacy Keibler Loves Me says:
Persistent Infections Dept:
Forget the couch as the root of the problem…
The Stanford football players have been doing each other in the locker room, and getting all sorts of gnarly infections.
November 3rd, 2006 at 1:33 pm
21
Mormon T. Suxorz says:
Re: Comment #17… Not only “smart” people but some pretty rich people went there. Don’t you think Tiger Woods or the Google guys could spring for a new couch? Heck, with that kind of money they could buy the whole matching set from Rooms to Go.
November 3rd, 2006 at 1:41 pm
22
bitterhorn says:
I got gonorrhea from riding a tractor once =(
Once again, EDSBS reaches a new level of disturbing, incredibly hilarious imagery.
November 3rd, 2006 at 6:36 pm
23
j.j. says:
bitterhorn,
I think you missed a Seinfeld reference.
November 3rd, 2006 at 8:40 pm
24
Dirty Carl » Blog Archive » WEST VIRGINIA COUCHES ARE SPARED says:
[...] More on couch-burning here. [...]
November 4th, 2006 at 1:31 am
25
PCB says:
Pretty soon it’ll be “Tree is about to die…”
Actually, I think the couch must have done it in during the offseason: Leland B. Stanford JUNIOR University has a new mascot and it’s a twirling PALM tree……at least until they fire up the chainsaw sound effects at Oregon State next week.
“I would have gone with USC due to the high volume of skanks.”
This quote is obviously from someone who has never set foot on the USC campus but I understand the jealousy. The Beach Boys had it right: “I wish they all could be California girls.”
November 5th, 2006 at 1:33 pm
26
Dirty Carl Sports » Blog Archive » WEST VIRGINIA COUCHES ARE SPARED says:
[...] More on couch-burning here. [...]
November 8th, 2006 at 12:30 am
27
Stanford says:
HATE HATE HATE. all you haters are hating so hard. And with such originality! Solid jokes about the couch. As we know, our respective football teams really represent our student bodies well. For example, USC students are all dumb professional athletes who don’t graduate. And Kal students are all junior college transfer students who put up a whopping 18% grad rate, but they sure can toss the pigskin. Oh, and USC guy – there are lots of schools in california. You don’t have the monopoly on hot blonde girls – only dumb blonde girls.
November 10th, 2006 at 4:59 am
28
EDSBS » Archive » WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU JOCK ITCH, MAKE JOCKITCHADE says:
[...] our whiskered chin, let’s revisit history here…Stanford has a toxic, staphylococcus-infested couch…time passes…then Stanford suddenly not only beats USC, but then the following spring [...]
August 14th, 2008 at 11:43 am