He’s coming to Bama! He’s bringing Brother Bill Oliver with him! He’s…meeting with his players and telling them he’s staying put.

He reportedly jokingly told them, “some of you might not like me, but you’re stuck with me.”

On the desert island of life, Spurrier’s sticking with his girl, whose strapless dress stays mysteriously in place despite a clumsy and very preventable maritime accident.

Thought about someone else…well, he probably did. But he’s staying.

Bowl updates! Get ‘em while they’re still lukewarm, along with some

–Miami to the MPC Computers Bowl. Miami players could be surrounded by white powder with no commercial value, which frustratingly enough would be referred to as “snow.” Yay-yoooo! Their anger will only help them.

–Speaking of hurricanes…LSU goes to the Rose Bowl. The Rose Bowl Parade, the Garden Club porno that is traditionally the most soporific hour of television of the year this side of the Urban Meyer Show, could be substantially more interesting this year as beautifully crafted floats get topping of masked, drunk, boob-flashing revelers tossing gold coins at stunned grandmothers.

Mommy! Boobs!

They will likely face Michigan, another brawny, fast team running on foiled championship juice. Your Facemask Inc. stock just soared, because blunt force will be the theme if this holds.

–Ducks v. Mormons in Las Vegas Bowl. Ducks fans thrilled that there’ll be twice as much free booze for them at the casino. Vegas burghers thrilled that bowl games are but a blip in the sinstream flowing through their county limits.

–The rest may be found here, though we would like to TiVo the Hawaii/ASU game in advance for this year’s Scientific Notation Required Bowl.

Solon stops the bleeding with a good week of picks and some solid tailgating on the West Coast. The missing ingredient: ladies. Import a few to his next tailgater, and he may anoint you as an acolyte of Gamblor and show you his secret spreadsheets. Enjoy…

Greetings all.

First off, I would like to thank my hosts last week at the USC-Notre Dame game, the short-lived and oft-drunk but always entertaining blogger CollegeFootballPundit, and Ryan Abraham of USCFootball.com. A spectacular setup with 4 televisions and a satellite, so I missed very little of the action from around the nation; they also had some serious eats courtesy of the legendary Dan-O. So many of the elements were there that I almost thought I was at a Georgia tailgate–until I looked around and saw that it was a pickle party. Step it up, lads–bloody hell, it’s USC, import some of those song-girls!

Catherine Bell’s in LA, right? She likes beer, right? Give her a call.

I also chatted up HP and CFR, with whom I was able to have some discussion about the nature of College Football. A few more hours and we’d have figured it all out. It’s always good to talk to other obsessives.

I stopped the bleeding a little bit last week with a 5-5 record, leaving me at 14-25 for the month of November–36%–my worst record for any single month I can remember. Fortunately I have decided to pass on the MAC Championship, and hopefully I can step it up for December and January and finish up strong.

My record sits at 69-60 for the season, a winning percentage of 53%. Not too many options this week, but there are a few. Here are this week’s selections:

SATURDAY:

WEST VIRGINIA (-9) v. Rutgers

West Virginia laid a serious egg last week on O, the first time since QB White became the full-time starter that they did not go for at least 27 points. (more…)

Nestor has part one of our very discursive dialogue on USC UCLA up. Part Two should follow later this afternoon.

In case you’ve never imagined Pete Carroll on a golden unicycle riding around the USC campus giving the Buddy Jesus thumbs-up to baffled strangers…well, you should.

Hey buddy! Nice golden unicycle!

The Florida Gators face the Arkansas Razorbacks, their final opponent for 2006, this Saturday in the Georgia Dome for the SEC Championship. Since we believe in establishing a high standard of sportsmanship prior to such a pivotal and potentially volatile game, we would like to take this opportunity to make sure we properly laud the accomplishments of our esteemed opponent.

Therefore, we sing the praises of Arkansas, both on the gridiron and as a great part of this blessed nation.

Great Things About Arkansas.

1. No shirt, no shoes, no problem. In fact, the entire state is clothing optional, one of the side benefits of electing Bill Clinton governor 32 times. Try it and see sometime if you don’t believe us. *

“Arkansas, the government can’t tell you what to do with your money. Or your pants. (Smile, hold out fist with thumb clenched on top.)”

2. The state book is “The Bible,” boldly chosen by the state legislature as a gesture of defiance to its neighbors’ choices of state book. Tennessee still claims I Lived To Tell It All: The George Jones Story as its state book, while Mississippi adopted The Necronomicon: Sacred Tome of the Evil Dead as its state read. For the record, Louisiana’s official state book is a battered but still intact Penthouse from 1978, which current governor Kathleen Blanco describes as “a grand tradition, and totally, totally, and I mean totally hot.”

3. Hosts a football team with such illustrious names as Houston NUTT, Casey DICK, and Robert JOHNSON, all men well endowed with talent, verve, and an undeniable lust for winning. The names, all adopted on entry into the Arkansas program, represent part of a unique funding scheme for the football program, with players taking names from Vivid Videos adult entertainment movies in exchange for scholarship funds.

This arrangement will culminate in the renaming of War Memorial Stadium in 2008, which will become “Jenna Jameson’s Clitoral Commando Vibe Unit Park,” which school officials plan to refer to as “the J.J.”. “The idea is to forever associate ‘buzz’ with Arkansas football,” says Arkansas Athletics Marketing director Telly Gaines. “We think this should do it.”

4. The State Historic Cooking Vessel is “the Dutch Oven.” We weren’t aware this could cook things, though we suspected it could certainly pickle, spoil, or potentially kill them. Ernest Borgnine would approve, we’re sure.

Go Hogs! He’ll bring his own Dutch Oven.

5. Calls itself the home of the Sam Walton School of Business, named after the founder of the ultimate retail success story, Wal-Mart. Courses include the immensely popular “Employee Imprisonment Techniques.”

6. Their coach is still Houston Nutt, who is still crazier than a sack of rabid weasels.

He sees you. Run!

*EDSBS.com is not responsible for fines or jail time served as a result of walking naked around Arkansas. We would like pictures, though, ’cause we’re so totally putting them on the site if you do.

Old coaches never die, they just go to someplace with lower expectations. And become vampire coaches, prowling the landscape and waiting for the invite they need.

Rick Neuheisel–J.D. holder, a fact which must be mentioned in every single article ever written about him–is a rumored candidate for the UAB job pending imminent departure of current Blazers coach Brown the Lesser, Watson, brother of Mack. UAB players, dust off those brackets now, ’cause coach plays to win in those things. Again, that’s Rick Neuheisel, he of the slight ethics problem, going to coach not just in the Southeast, but in Alabama. Life requires no satire sometimes.

The other vampire coach who looks “10 years younger” since he left coaching is Gary Barnett, the original EDSBS Sooper Genious and former Colorado coach. “I’d really like to get back into coaching,” says Barnett, who after de-aging ten years since leaving has exhausted his supply of innocent blood and needs an ample supply of the sort a D-1 football squad could provide to sustain him for the next century or so.

It amuses us to imagine these two as Louis and Lestat from Interview with The Vampire, wandering the earth in search of fresh blood, with Neuheisel/Louis trying to go straight and eating rats to survive while Barnett/Lestat mocks him and giddily devours another showgirl whole. “You’ll get used to killing, Rick…”

Guess who’s back. Back again. Shady’s back. Bring a stake.

If one of these two ends up at Alabama, though…call Blade. He’s got a job to do, when he’s not shilling for the Total Gym or getting nabbed in Namibia on tax evasion. He could use the cash.

A break allows for a bit of hasty blogging. Back with Blogtoberfest shortly.

We lied. But we did it for liberty, dammit.

Real life intervenes, so the blog will likely be unattended today, unless Stranko cares to post some Univision cheesecake. Which he should do.

In the meantime, head on over to Bruins Nation, where they’ll have a dialogue between Peter and Orson about who to pull for in the USC/UCLA game. And please take a look at Brian’s fine chart explaining the coaching carousel.

–O

After you head over to AL.com and listen to our extremely caffeineated appearance on their Alabama Conversations. Todd and Kenny attempt to sort some facts out of the out of the Alabama coaching situation while we make more Kim Jong-Il jokes.

It’s been an undeclared holiday for Bama media types, whose festivity has us feeling Christmas-y well ahead of schedule. Therefore, we ring in the EDSBS Christmas season with our mustache of the day: Sam the Snowman/Burl Ives.

So holly! So jolly! Despite being legless.

Stewart Mandel claims Chan Gailey sux. Stewart Mandel gets screwed by the broken clock rule stating that even a mediocre coach can succeed by not firing his defensive coordinator, recruiting decently, and installing an irritable wee man at quarterback. Stewart writes:

“(he’s) still not convinced (Gailey) won’t find a way to screw it up, but if Tech wins its division, he’s off the list and a round of hot dogs are on me.”

On Saturday, Stewart’s buying hot dogs at the Varsity. He really could just wait and double down, going for the onion ring and frosted orange combo for everyone in ‘07 that Gailey will go 3-9 next year. Everyone knows that over time, Chan Gailey Equilibrium will win out.

Nonetheless, kudos and plaudits on being a man of your word, Stewart, in more than one way.

First you nut up to your bet, which we’ll make sure you do by being there on Saturday Friday ourselves. (HT: The 5.0 Guy)

Second, you identify yourself as being 30 on MySpace. This could mean two things:

1. You’re actually thirty, or…

2. Using MySpace mathematics, you’re really 90 years old cruising for ladies in their seventies who haven’t drained the 401-Ks yet and gotten into the catfood-eating stage of retirement. Either way, bravo on the integrity scale.

Mandel: has integrity, and potentially a thing for Bea Arthur types, too. This, btw, is not the Mustache of the Day.

The latest in the folderol race to establish who’s going to be coach and who won’t where:

A strange flight from Tempe to Pyongyang? Rumors of the baddest man between the Yalu River and the 38th parallel–or at least the roneriest man jacked up on cognac and uppers between the two–coming to Tempe to beef up the perpetually sanctioned Arizona State defense?

Per flightpath traffic records yesterday, a most curious flight left Tempe yesterday.

Only one coaching prospect lives in the downtown Pyongyang area: Kim Jong-Il, a leader noted for his defense and ability to leave supporters starving for more. As odd as the idea may seem to outsiders, NFL and college insiders say the Dear Leader has long been on the wish lists of both ADs and NFL owners for a head slot.

“We almost had him back in ‘86,” said Raiders owner Al Davis from his home on Tuesday. “Everyone says he’s all defense, but let me tell you this: (more…)

We like the top ten, at least. The rest, as usual, is a sad mess.

Rank	Team	Delta
1	Ohio State	—
2	Michigan	—
3	Southern Cal	—
4	Florida	—
5	Louisville	6
6	LSU	4
7	Oklahoma	7
8	Arkansas	3
9	Wisconsin	1
10	Rutgers	5
11	California	6
12	Auburn	4
13	West Virginia	6
14	Notre Dame	8
15	Texas	3
16	Tennessee	2
17	Nebraska	2
18	Boise State	5
19	Wake Forest	6
20	Texas A&M	6
21	Virginia Tech	1
22	Boston College	1
23	Georgia Tech	14
24	Hawaii	2
25	South Florida	1

Notes, Clarifications, and Mistakes We Made. Again.

–The hardest thing about hybrid polling–where you blend the results of matchups in the HYPOTHETICAL DEATH THEATER in your head plus a vague notion of a team’s absolute value at that point in the year–is settling on which factor to lean on for moving a team up or down.

Keeping USC at three instead of four makes the brain quake a little after watching Notre Dame blasted into teeny pieces by a team clearly intent on giving them a 10 point handicap. (The sign of a true predator: toying with its prey cruelly! The comment brought to you by David Attenborough.)

Playing with your food–something David Attenborough would approve of. Seen here vacationing with Ed Orgeron.

But yet…without a head to head or conference foes, we have to go on absolute valuation and their one shared opponent. (more…)

Bring out the EDSBS wagering stick, ’cause we’re a-swingin’: the next football coach at Alabama will be Rich Rodriguez, a blind guess made after hours of talking with people who know slightly more about ‘Bama football than we do as well as a few trips down the rabbit hole of Alabama/South Carolina/West Virginia/National Security Agency message boards. (If you’ve never been there, they’re great; the cryptography department’s recipe boards are to die for, especially their pastry suggestions.)

It’s Rodriguez by triangulation, which means you prove it’s him more by saying why it’s not going to be everyone else. The rationale, laid out in just as shaky a fashion as everyone else’s:

Hey! There’s a limb! Let’s walk out on it.

1. Spurrier said he’s not taking the job. Therefore, he’s not taking the job. He’s only left one job abruptly, and is generally a pretty ethical and fair guy. (And when boy tyrant Daniel Snyder is that guy, you’re looking for any excuse to gnaw your arm off, slip the million dollar chains, and skedaddle–which Spurrier did.) It’s a matter of public record, and he’d be caught in a lie, which doesn’t jibe with his past track record.

2. Saban’s not a failure as a head coach. His team is marginally in the playoff hunt, he’s being paid five jillion dollars a year–which Alabama could not match without scandalous spending–and Saban won’t leave until he’s fired. And don’t proffer the “college is easier and the pros are burning him out” argument; Saban’s happiest when he’s drinking a glass of his assistants’ tears in a four a.m. film breakdown session before grabbing a catnap and then reducing 300 lb. men to more tears.

3. Paul Johnson has a lingering steroid issue, which will keep him off Alabama’s list. (Though a wag would suggest that a faint whiff of scandal would attract Bama boosters.)

4. Jim Grobe is avowedely not interested, and would in truth have lifetime job security at Wake. Plus: he’s approaching geezerhood, something which might cloud ten-year contract negotiations. Alabama’s looking for stability, as evidenced by their clinging to the worst NFL offensive coordinator we’ve ever seen for four years.

5. Rodriguez has something like a million dollar buyout. He’s never going to have a higher stock than he has right now, barring an undefeated season in the near future, and that’s fool’s betting.
He’s young, he’s in a smallish market, and has succeeded at each stop he’s made in the Takeshi’s Castle obstacle course of a coaching career. The money he makes as one of the most ill-paid coaches in the Big East would be at least doubled by Alabama, a financial deal he may not be able to refuse. The only rumored sticking point in negotiations is keeping Joe Kines as DC, and he may be headed to Texas, anyway.

He has not disavowed the job, either: he’s said that Alabama has not contacted him, which may be superficially true. (Then again, a lawyer or the search agency or a booster may have, which is legalistically different, right?)

He’s the only public candidate whose all thumbs up in the resume department who has not publically said that he isn’t leaving his current job. Therefore: Rodriguez announces on Sunday after the Rutgers game and becomes the next coach at Alabama.

QEDMF! We’re sure this will look great when Alabama announces the hiring of John L. Smith as their new head coach after everyone else bugs out, thus setting the stage for mass suicides by the Crimson Tide faithful as they slap themselves to death.

After busting out most of the weekend in review yesterday, we do have some real life things to tend to today. However, please accept the opening salvo of Houston Nutt tribute, brought to us by the one and only Mr. Two Cents, who we legitimately believe is one of the most ruthless and brilliant graphic artists alive today.

Find more of this brilliance on The Return of Houston Nutt Fark thread, where Mr. Two Cents goes off on a theme and doesn’t stop ’til the Dexedrine runs out. Seriously, email us and we’ll buy you a shirt.

Gei ni kan kan:

Don’t touch his ears.

(more…)

The latest dubious, hold-at-arms-length-with-tongs Bama rumor: Rodgriguez goes to Tuscaloosa. As in most rumors, the deal’s done, the patsies have been iced, and your shadowy, conspiracy-ridden worldview has been confirmed. If you have a headache, it’s just a chip in your head. Might want to get that looked at.

Brian’s all over it, too, though cautiously so.

No one’s sourcing shit, so as usual, caveat gossiptor.

Bama’s spokesman had no comment.