Isn’t this not a nonstory?

Asked if he could be enticed by big money and a long-term contract, Tressel said, “I’ve got money and I’ve got a contract.”

In May, Tressel agreed to a new seven-year deal that averages $2.45 million per season.

Asked if he could imagine anything that would lead him to the NFL, Tressel said, “Don’t know. Can’t think of a thing.”

If you quantify what you might think of as “NFL Compatibility Rating,” Tressel’s down there scraping the barrel with Urban Meyer as far as obvious pro compatibility, though for different reasons: Meyer for his system relying on a running quarterback, and Tressel for bad fashion sense. (Though if Bill Parcells can swan about looking fifteen pounds shy of pleading surrender and just put on a muu-muu, Tressel’s disqualifier may be invalid here.)


Stay put, Jim. Stay put.

With the coaching carousel–America’s Least Favorite Thrill Ride–gets cranked up in earnest, we’re fascinated by the concept of “pro compatibility.” What does this mean? A tendency towards running bland, uniform offenses? Dave Rader, come on down! A fondness for torturing staff to the point of ensuring that on your retirement, not one would consider coming back to “the old school” to coach, forcing your administration to hire–gasp!–Ron Prince? Bill Snyder, your retirement is over! Coaching in such a leveraged, cowardly fashion that every team you face may book a stunning second half reversal of whatever was working against them in the first half? [NAME REDACTED], your ticket has been written–pick it up at Al Davis’ office.

This seems like less of a story and more like standard Tressel boilerplate. After all, Tressel speaks in loops anyway, as if every word were being listened to by a prosecutor, or worse yet, the Israeli Mafia. He can’t even decide whether to wear a sweater or short sleeves, instead combining them in a single mystifying outfit with the requisite tie.

This all equals a cheap segue to what we think Ohio State fans would feel like without Senor Sweatervest patrolling the sidelines and instead working his way toward being fired at the end of year two of a three year contract in the pros. Warning: this is the worst video ever, and whatever you do, do not watch it. With that said, Alexander O’Neal makes us cry. With his bad acting. And his jacket.

Feel the pining, as Ohio State fans would if Tressel left.