Louisiana just does real big things, y’all. Big personalities. Big food. Big daquiris. Big hurricanes and bigger tumors from the big chemical plants. You know, just big like former LSU Tiger Booger McFarland big.


Yeah, you right. He big.

If you think your uni can compete with this bigness, though, fuck yo’ couch. Louisiana State doesn’t just have its players put in positions to illegally contact agents; no, no, no, it has the assistant strength coach putting players in touch with agents prior to graduation. Assistant strength and conditioning coach Travelle Gaines was arrested by LSU police today for violating sports agent laws by inviting players to his house, where aspiring (we’re just guessing here) sports agent Charles Taplin was waiting with a tranq dart gun, wearing a purple velvet robe and perched on a pile of cash while unleashing an army of willing curvaceous hookers screaming “LOVE US WE LOVE YOU!” on the helpless recruits.*

Taplin and Gaines both earned arrest for their hand in the scheme, but expect nothing to come out of this NCAA wise. Though Will Collier rightfully points out that this is a clear violation of NCAA standards, LSU police made the arrests, and little points to LSU doing anything but self-reporting an incident of clear abuse by one of its assistant coaches. Tempting as it may be to sound alarm bells and smell the burnt ozone of a program going to the electric chair for its sins, this does not appear to be it.

UPDATE!!! OMG LES MILES WAS TOTALLY GIVING CASH TO RECRUITS HIDDEN IN PET BOA CONSTRICTORS THEY GAVE OUT AS PARTY FAVORS TO RECRUITS!!! MORE DETAILS LATER
GIMME A SIREN WOOOOO!!!**


This siren is TOTALLY NECESSARY HERE.***

*This may not be true.
**This, also, may not be true, and would be the waste of a perfectly good boa constrictor.
***Um, yeah, ditto for this.