Welcome to the Factor Six Preview, where we quickly preview games using six completely essential factors for victory:

1. Mascot
2. Head coach.
3. Team name.
4. General aura.
5. Best roster name.
6. The “Factor Six” factor. (Whatever the hell we care to throw in in the way of cultural add-ons, etc.) We could have called this the “Six Factor” preview, but it sounds so much more tuff and Tom Clancy-like the other way, like some sort of shadowy counterintelligence ops thing that uses a modeling agency as cover.

UCLA AT NOTRE DAME:

1. Mascot: UCLA. We are forced by the limits of the English language to select UCLA’s mascot over Notre Dame’ since the Irish fight for the glory of not an actual Irishman, but instead leap and cheer at the behest of someone dressed like a leprechaun. Having met a few verifiable Irishman, we can say that Irish people wear nothing of this sort. In fact, when the phrase Irish is mentioned, we tend to thing of…well, a different and very unfair outfit altogether.

UCLA in contrast, just has a bear who has a wife. Unsure on how plausible bear matrimony is, but we’re definitely sure it’s closer than Notre Dame’s Irish/leprechaun mascot dilemma.


They are bears. Bears with shirts on, yes, but still bears.

UCLA, you’ve been Factor’d!

2. Head Coach: Charlie Weis. Karl Dorrell is in many senses the anti-Weis; thin, black, and given a chance to be a head coach long ahead of his time. In opposition, Charlie had to slog along for years beneath the glowering eyes of Bill Parcells and Bill Bellichick, men whose employees have their empathy glands surgically removed upon employment. For someone whose undergone this operation, Charlie’s doing a magnificent job of relating to coddled star athletes between the ages of 18-22, though he could have gotten a new one south of the border for no more than 6 large. At least that’s what we hear from the organ salesman we know Uncle Rich.

Notre Dame, you’ve been Factor’d!

3. Team Name: Notre Dame. Inaccurately rendered as they might be, the Fighting Irish are still something people can recognize. Unless they’re big fans of archaic poetical terms, no one knows what in the hell a Bruin actually is, and worse still it’s hard not to see the fact that “you can’t spell Bruin without ‘ruin.’” Next time, just spare your rival the trouble and throw yourself on the grenade first rather than wait for them to pounce on this irresistable piece of rhetorical ammo.

Notre Dame, you’ve been Factor’d!.

4. General Aura: Notre Dame. Touchdown Jesus meets Fatburger. UCLA’s real downfall: Hugh Johnson is wandering somewhere around that campus. And that is what we call “Aura Syphilis.”

Notre Dame, you’ve been Factor’d!


Bringing down the whammy with Hugh.

5. Best Roster Name: UCLA. Sing along with the theme song of the baddest Serbo-Croatian crimefighter around:

Who fought against the Russians
And made them all feel sick?
Who saved the nation of Hungary
With duck tape, four bucks and his dick?

NIKOLA DRAGOVIC!
NIKOLA DRAGOVIC!
NIKOLA DRAGOVIC!
NIKOLA DRAGOVIC!

UCLA, you’ve been Factor’d!

The Factor Six Factor Six: Notre Dame. The Ninth Overtime Rule favors Notre Dame here. In case the game were tied after eight overtimes, a little known subclause would give the teams the option to settle the game by a bareknuckle boxing match. Despite being bleeders, the Irish would still likely prevail here, since Tom Zbikowski has been looking for just the right opportunity to move your nose three inches to the right. (The other option is a DDR dance-off between offensive lineman, but no one’s been pansy enough to choose that one yet.)


Please God, don’t let it come to this.

Factor Six Preview Result: Notre Dame. We are forced to pick the Irish here with one provision: they must choose the boxing match overtime shootout, since video evidence has led our experts to believe that the Irish would be at an extreme disadvantage in any dance competition.