Welcome to the Factor Six Preview, where we quickly preview games using six completely essential factors for victory:

1. Mascot
2. Head coach.
3. Team name.
4. General aura.
5. Best roster name.
6. The “Factor Six” factor. (Whatever the hell we care to throw in in the way of cultural add-ons, etc.) We could have called this the “Six Factor” preview, but it sounds so much more tuff and Tom Clancy-like the other way, like some sort of shadowy counterintelligence ops thing that uses a modeling agency as cover.

Texas vs. Nebraska:

1. Mascot: Texas.

Longhorns: majestic, beloved steer with mondo set of horns and, like successful rapper, his own posse.

Cornhuskers: inflatable ghoul capable of walking on its hands with fixed glaze in his eyes and whimsically Satanic grin.


AIIIIGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!

Advantage: TEXAS TEXAS TEXAS MY GOD GET THAT MUTANT BABY AWAY FROM US TEXAS. We mean this with all sincerity: if we ever see Big Red in person we will run screaming from him with both hands waving in the air. He just plain frightens the living shit out of us: the stilted, freeze-frame gait that makes him resemble the dead girl from The Ring, the maniacal glare of his gaze, the..(shudder)…tiny hands. Fellini in Hell couldn’t have invented anything more disturbing. ***Stranko’s 2 Cents… kind of reminds me of the King*** 

Texas, you’ve been Factor’d!

2. Head Coach: Mack Brown. Mack Brown lost weight over the offseason despite undoubtedly having to chow down heaps of barbeque on the recruiting trail that would kill a lesser man. (Or swell him to Manginoish proportions.) Lowcarbalicious living might explain the drop, but that still means Mack’s passing on the buttered Texas toast and bread, which still deserves serious points, because that shit is gooooood.

Texas, you’ve been Factor’d!

3. Team Name: Nebraska. Longhorns are a striking enough image, but there’s not enough team names that celebrate obsolete jobs that now are performed by machines, unless your local community college team is still called the “Telegraph Operators.” Nor do enough teams choose vocational names; we would go ahead and recommend a name change for Miami to “the Auditors.” The intimidation factor alone might scare whole teams off the field.

Nebraska, you’ve been Factor’d!.


Every team needs a badass accountant.i

4. General Aura: Texas. We requote to drive the point about Texas football home:

Heustess writes about meeting two “undercover” lesbians. “I asked them what brought them to the game and if they enjoyed sports. They dramatically turned up their noses and said that they were not sports fans but since they live in Dallas they ‘always!’ go to the Texas-OU games because of the ‘hot chicks, big beers, and even bigger boobs.’ “

Yes, it’s in Lincoln. But we haven’t been able to unhinge the word ‘Texas’ from “big beers and even bigger boobs.’ And neither will you after reading this. You’re welcome.

Texas, you’ve been Factor’d!

5. Best Roster Name: Nebraska. Bo Ruud. This name was taken from a Patrick Swayze character. And if it wasn’t, it should have been.

Nebraska, you’ve been Factor’d!

The Factor Six Factor Six: Texas. Boobs and Beer. Advantage: Longhorns.

Factor Six Preview Result: Texas. The intangibles favor the Longhorns, whose boobs, beer, and boobs will power them to victory over the spastic nuclear-plant baby-worshipping Cornhuskers.


Yes, we watch Project Runway…and them, too.