Several members of the Miami football team, leaving the campus after Saturday night’s controversial victory over FIU, became involved in a brawl with the Coral Gables YMCA under-10 basketball team and parents. The ensuing fracas left five elementary schoolers severely injured and resulted in the arrest of twenty-seven Miami football players.

Miami safety Brandon Meriwether said the fight started as a result of actions of the dodgeball team.

“We don’t take anything for granted at this U, and we don’t take shit from no one. It’s all ’bout this U. This little punk takes a look at me like I’m nothin’? Damn right I’m having a boot party for them Showbiz Pizza bitches.”

Miami players in the first of two public fights on Saturday.

Meriwether, free on bail following the incident, is accused of at least six charges in the fight, including an accusation of throwing several children into oncoming traffic.

The incident, which occurred around 9:45 p.m. on Saturday night, began innocently enough, according to the parents of the children involved.

“We were just leaving the game and heading to the parking lot when this group of really big guys walks by. My son Ricky looked up and said, ‘Hey, aren’t those the Miami Hurricanes?’” said parent Manuel Perez.

At that point, things escalated.

“The one in the front just said “Damn right we’re the Canes,” and then they all just rushed us. It was horrible,” said Vicky Harrison, a mother of a child involved in the fracas. “They just started beating the hell out of everyone in sight: women, children, I think there was even a parrot involved at one point.” Harrison then choked up, tears welling in her eyes.

“I don’t think the parrot made it.”

The sudden attack stunned parents who thought they were due for another post-game meeting over ice cream at a local Baskin-Robbins.

“We were going to get some ice cream–it’s our postgame tradition–when all of a sudden this huge pair of Timberlands just punts my poor Bobby into a bed of lantana,” said Helene St. Marie, another YMCA parent. “This huge man with braids just stood over him going “What? Huh? What? Yeah, bitch! It was terrible.”

Dade County Sheriff’s spokeman Lamont Hunt said the exact cause of the fight has not been determined.

“We’ve interviewed all of the twenty-seven members of the Miami football team arrested, and there’s not a clear reason why they assaulted a helpless group of eight to nine-year-olds. They kept repeating something about “this U,” which we believe referred to the University of Miami. What is clear is their behavior is illegal, and will not be tolerated in this community.”

Miami commentator Lamar Thomas defended the actions of Miami players in his postgame show.

“They’re just doing what we do. No one’s gonna be on our streets in our hood where the ‘Canes say who goes and what does and tell us what to do. Imagine that little bitch asking ‘Are those the ‘Canes?’ LIKE YOU DON’T KNOW? They had to show ‘em who they were dealing with, that’s all. Think they’re gonna forget now? Hell, no. They did what they had to do.”

Thomas was then asked about the age of the victims.

“That’s just juvenile bitchery. We can’t have that. Bitchery has to be caught at a young age. Those men were doing community service by nipping bitchery in the bud. DA U!!!” screamed Thomas, who flashed a “U” symbol before leaving the interview.

Miami coach Larry Coker insisted after the incident that ”I do have a grip on this program,” Coker said. “Don’t ever doubt that. Don’t ever doubt that.”

Despite the size mismatch in the brawl with the YMCA youth, several players suffered severe injuries when the parents counterattacked. “They seemed to have a lot of difficulty blocking even the simplest of attacks,” said Mrs. St. Marie, who said she concussed a man she believed to be WR Lance Leggett with her purse. “His friend tried to toss him a rock to throw, but he just kept dropping it.”

University of Miami president Donna Shalala had no comment Sunday evening.

Miami Hurricanes fans celebrate the news of the brawl with the elementary schoolers.