We’ll be headed down to Auburn at a leisurely pace tomorrow, provided we get past the corrupt border guards with all those illegal sex toys in the back of our car.
If you’d like us to drop by your tailgate–(cough)wangling invites for free beer(cough)–IM us at harumphharumph at the yahoo type of address. We promise not to bring Tim-jira, who has other obligations later in the day.
Whitezilla: he’s coming to your cit-tay.(HT: Jeremy.)
Welcome to the Factor Six Preview, where we quickly preview games using six completely essential factors for victory:
1. Mascot
2. Head coach.
3. Team name.
4. General aura.
5. Best roster name.
6. The “Factor Six” factor. (Whatever the hell we care to throw in in the way of cultural add-ons, etc.) We could have called this the “Six Factor” preview, but it sounds so much more tuff and Tom Clancy-like the other way, like some sort of shadowy counterintelligence ops thing that uses a modeling agency as cover.
Rutgers vs Navy:
1. Mascot: Rutgers has a clear advantage here, since even though the term Scarlet Knight may reek of romance novel or gay bar name, it beats a ram wearing a blanket. Rutgers, you’ve been Factor’d!
2. Head Coach: Paul Johnson bought one playbook in 1968 at a garage sale, and screw you if you think he needs another. This is a tight category, but watching Paul Johnson compete with the Middies using an offense put together by the finest minds of the 19th century. Navy, you’ve been Factor’d!
Coach Johnson, Grover Cleveland loves your playbook.
3. Team Name: the Midshipmen. Again, there’s the Scarlet Pimpernel overtones, since Scarlet is just a feminine name. Midshipmen, burly fighting sailors with tattoos and grappling hooks, is not not. Navy, you’ve been Factor’d!.
4. General Aura: Navy. Ahem:
Until a man is twenty-five, he still thinks, every so often, that under the right circumstances he could be the baddest motherfucker in the world. If I moved to a martial arts monastery in China and studied real hard for ten years. … If I just dropped out and devoted my life to being bad. —Neal Stephenson, Snow Crash.
We’re admitted victims of “SEAL Envy.” Navy, you’ve been Factor’d!
If only you were dedicated enough.
5. Best Roster Name: Rutgers. Jabu Lovelace still wants to freak you like you’ve never been freaked before. Rutgers, you’ve been Factor’d!
The Factor Six Factor Six: Rutgers. Navy wears uniform whites to games, never misses a round of pushups, and always keeps its hair straight. The Rutgers fan of our dreams has difficulty avoiding getting stains on their clothes, probably has hair difficulties, and keeps a few sleeveless t-shirts in the drawer just for emergencies’ sake. We identify a lot more with the Rutgers fan, obviously.
Factor Six Preview Result: TIE. You may watch without stroking out or kicking the cat.
This Friday’s most least essential links and stories in one capriciously selected list. Prost!
–Remember: before operating your touchdown cannon, read the instruction manual as improper use may lead to the whole damned thing blowing up in your face. This is precisely what happened at a Seattle area football game: Snohomish High’s traditional cannon shot went very, very wrong, injuring five students. The quote:
Parthemer didn’t know who was operating the cannon and did not know if the students were struck by cannon fire or by some sort of flying debris caused by a possible cannon malfunction.
Possible? Sure. Hopefully the near-death experience vanquished the virginity of some of its handlers shortly thereafter. “Life’s short, so I thought Trevor and I should share our love while we can.” See? Lemons, lemonade. (HT: The Obscure Store.)
When cannons go bad.
–Scouts, Inc. gives the edge to Auburn in the game on Saturday. They have “inc.” after their name, which is very important and means a lot.
–UGA President Michael Adams continues his herculean efforts to win the gold medal in Dickfacedness.
–Illinois’ professors are now actively seeking to ward away recruits because of the racist mascot Chief Illiniwek. This includes professor emeritus Stephen J. Kaufman, who insists on using his middle initial. (Always use caution with those people.) In other news: cancer, AIDS, still uncured.
–Joel has another installment of the Animated Race for the BCS. We never tire of watching Flash animations of Albert eating logos.
–SMQ accuses Urban Meyer of bombing football back to the stone age with his Tebow antics. If that’s true, the average Gator fan seems more than happy to be dragged back to the cave by their hair by Meyer.
–Clemson scores six rushing TDs on Temple. We’ll go ahead and say that with proper blocking, we’d score a touchdown against them, too, though we’d shatter our couch-cushioned, beer-soaked knees after the fifth carry. Either that or vomit from fatigue.
–The trailer for the Auburn/Florida intro: watch Chris Leak point like a rapper entering a club! Watch extremely unflattering shots of the Florida campus at its most office-park-like! Massive and belated HT to Irish Round Table. You’re right: we suck.
Brian uncovers the tragic story of a Tennessee fan who really is too loud and spastic in the name of fandom.
Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
Comments? Questions? Long strings of profanities directed at something we said? Please send your comments to harumphharumph -a- yahoo -dot- com. Please direct all tailgating photos and stories to edsbsfans -a- gmail -dot- com.
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