After yesterday’s nominations, we have made a momentous decision regarding the official EDSBS Cheesecake Lady. And the winner is…

Ms. Univision. Any of them. It may be cheating to take them all, but since telenovelas seem to involve tons of unrequited love, overwrought affairs, and lots of people mooning over each other through soft focus lenses, we figure the ladies need something to do in the downtime besides pine after men with too much gel in their hair who wear windbreakers all the time.

Remember our qualifications, which we address below.

1. Must be curvy. Umm, done. Univision’s women–especially the Republica Deportiva crew–all sport physiques not recommended by your local cardiologist for viewing during cardiac episodes.

2. Must be plausibly intelligent, or at least not demonstrably stupid. They speak Spanish, which allows us non-hispanohablantes to imagine that everything they’re saying is brilliant, witty, and just a bit flirtatious. Anyone attempting to ruin this illusion by actually translating will be beaten upon entry into the EDSBS lounge.

3. Must have style, even of the quirky variety. Tight clothes are a style, right? (Nodding, yes…)

4. Cannot be Kristin Davis, since T. Kyle’s got her on lockdown. (Being a lawyer, he knows the hundred foot restraining order is null and void at one hundred and one feet.) Done.

So ladies of Univision, congratulations. You are hereby awarded the title of EDSBS Cheesecake Queen for the year 2006-2007. Your duties: jiggle and preen once to twice a week in between football stories. We’re not Sports By Brooks, so we can assure that you will never have to show up for any events or even take vacations with us, since that’s how motherfuckers get shot. (TCOAN is a wicked sharpshooter, at least with a bb gun.)

The benefits? We’ll work on those.

To remind everyone why this was such a good idea, here’s Vida Guerra on El Gordo y La Flaca doing an interview in a bikini while stepping into a bathtub with El Gordo. Why American television even attempts programming with plot, we’ll never know.


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