LONELY PLANET GUIDE: AUBURN, ALABAMA
by Orson on Oct 12, 2006 2:47 PM EDT
Email
PrintSince we didn't have time to put together a quality guide to Auburn, we'll instead rely on the experts at Lonely Planet for their expertise. Enjoy.
At a glance
The town of Auburn, Alabama merits notice for the intrepid traveler for a plethora of reasons. In addition to being the sole barter-based economic zone in the United States, Auburn also features a landscape devoid of interest, a colorful native population of sewer-dwelling mutants, and a university that boasts 42 Nobel Prize nominated scholars, 38 of whom also played football on the varsity football team. The lack of electricity, armed gangs of obese ATV bandits roaming the wilderness, and wild boar attacks that occur in every home and apartment may intimidate the casual tourist, but for the pioneer in you little can beat the sensation of eating an MRE on top of your Bradley fighting vehicle while watching the nightly ritual of locals burning each other's plastic shelters to the ground while pelting each other with rocks.
When to go
Auburn has a climate similar to that of the surrouding Southeastern United States: semitropical, with four relatively mild seasons. Every August, however, a freak effect of El Nino showers the area with sealife picked up from the Gulf of Mexico, an effect know by the locals as "The Rain of Dogs." Repeated efforts to explain the phenomenon have failed, and animal shelters fill up annually with dead fish on leashes and gasping sea turtles, producing a smell visitors have described as "ghastly," "worse than death," and "WHY? GOD, WHY?."
Tourists are urged to avoid the month of August for this reason.
August: not the month to visit.
Background info.
The city of Auburn was founded by a band of Georgia militiamen over fifteen years ago. Originally searching for a build site for a cinder block bunker, they settled on the location out of necessity, as the flat landscape of scrubby pine turned out to have residents after all, a horde of bloodthirsty rat-monkeys bent on killing all intruders. A lengthy battle ensued, and the site was named for the red stains the rat/monkey army left in death.
The leader of the group, Goodman Parson Lowder, decided to scotch the plans for a new republic after taking into account their complete expenditure of ammunition.
The build site became the town hall, now referred to today as the Auburn Supper Club, a place which like all five residences in town has a drain in the floor for easy cleanup.
Auburn transferred to the state of Alabama in protest after Georgia declared the ownership of rattlesnakes as "companion animals" illegal. The town's rattlesnake-based economy collapsed temporarily, but bounced back following the secession.
The town now survives as a special protectorate between the states of Georgia and Alabama. The town now has up to 580 residents, not counting the transient university population. Its economy consists largely of trade in collector's plates, rancid fish oil, and Auburn Football paraphernalia. An estimated $2,193 in business occurs monthly in the city, an improvement in the quality of life as seen in the booming plastic sheeting business.
To see
To the undiscerning eye, Auburn offers little to see: burning heaps of garbage, a sky full of circling vultures and crows, rattlesnake farms, and five houses all hidden behind huge iron gates and guarded by packs of ferocious dogs.
Yet one spectacle demands attention above all others: The Burning of the Huts. Started as a nightly tradition by plastic sheeting tycoon Myron Lowder, town inhabitants initiate the burning at 9 o'clock nightly, a bright and colorful scene best viewed from the safety of an armored vehicle or passing helicopter located downwind upwindof the toxic fumes. (Lonely Planet is not liable for traveler deaths as a result of typos--legal dept.) Participants also celebrate the moment by throwing rocks, sticks, and stray rattlesnakes at each other. The homes are then rebuilt in the morning for the following night's festivities.
The burning of the huts occurs nightly year-round. Be advised to watch from a distance, and to mind the rattlesnakes.
Eat
Snake is on the menu here, and frequently. It's eaten barbecued, broiled, steamed, or even raw on special occasions. The taste is reminiscent of calamari. No matter what a local may tell you, refrain from eating the fangs as "an appetizer."
Sleep
Sleep has proved fatal to tourists in Auburn. Lonely Planet formally advises tourists to avoid napping for even seconds inside the city limits, and to keep shuteye to a minimum in the surrounding countryside.
Night
See Sleep.
Shop
One of the highlights of any trip to Auburn would be a visit to its central market, located in the stalls surrounding the rubble of what used to be its town square. (Follow the circling buzzards if you get lost. Which you should not do--remember the sewer-dwelling mutants we mentioned?)
The currency-free, all barter economy of the Republic of Auburn means that deals may be had a-plenty if you come to market with some savvy and patience. Know that traders in Auburn will use one of the three chief commodities of the area to get what they need:
1. Rattlesnakes, and rattlesnake-derived products.
2. Relatives sold as chattel.
3. "Dog oil," actually rancid fish oil.
Given this, you should be able to leverage some deals. Tourists should be warned that the purchase or trade of a human being is illegal in all fifty states, and is prosecutable under federal law.
Image Gallery:
Mayor Lowder, a prominent burgher and noted marksman in the city of Auburn.
Local youth in their native garb welcome visitors to the city of Auburn
Auburn Airlines' short and troubled term as a functioning company means backpackers must drive into the city to see its unique blend of menace and boredom.
64 comments
|
0 recs |
Do you like this story?
Comments
god damn that was funny. I was just in auburn last wk. I attended the Arkansas spanking of said Tigers. Hilarity ensued when a 19 yr old boy turned to the crowd, voice cracking and all saying “Come on y’all it’s still great to be an Auburn Tiger inninit?”
No sir it is not.
by Theri Maa Bhanchod! on Oct 12, 2006 2:59 PM EDT reply actions
truly hilarious whatever the hell your name is…your hogs will choke the west title and GOD DAMN THAT will be funny
redemption for AU this saturday
tigers play loose and win 17-15
i’ll be back to gloat on this thread
War Damn Eagle
Go fighting plainstigers!
by stuart on Oct 12, 2006 3:03 PM EDT reply actions
Nicely done, should be a good weekend, I’ll pack my rattlesnake proof chaps to wear over the jorts.
by beatAuburn on Oct 12, 2006 3:06 PM EDT reply actions
Perfect! Thanks.
One should also note the specticle of spontaneously combusting textbooks that occurs over the horizon during night games.
by Adam on Oct 12, 2006 3:08 PM EDT reply actions
no matter how much i despise auburn i must always give them due credit for giving the world Man or Astro-man?.
by kleph on Oct 12, 2006 3:08 PM EDT reply actions
Prolonged exposure to Auburn is why Mel Gibson started drinking.
Brilliantly done, sir.
by DevilGrad on Oct 12, 2006 3:11 PM EDT reply actions
Well, now I’m set for the weekend. I think I’ll print this guide out and keep it with me while I’m navigating Auburn
by Rob G (poster formerly known as Lono) on Oct 12, 2006 3:22 PM EDT reply actions
Why doesn’t Auburn choose between a tiger and an eagle? It seems a school should only have one thing representing them. I understand the roll tide and Arkansas thing, but Crimson Tide and Razorbacks are the mascots making those battle cries make sense. If you’re the tigers, shouldn’t the battle cry have to do with an actual tiger and not some other animal that can be considered a mascot? When you lose again can we start calling you the Lady Tigers?
by Chomp Chomp on Oct 12, 2006 3:23 PM EDT reply actions
Hey Stuart,
fyi, I’m a Michigan fan, I was just down there visiting relatives an happened to come across a free ticket. I’d put money on it that you were the boob crying in the stands.
In any event, Michigan over Penn st
by Theri Maa Bhanchod! on Oct 12, 2006 3:26 PM EDT reply actions
Did Burgermeister Lowder ever really revoke primae Auburnae, the right to dehymanize entering Auburn coeds?
by Southern Papa on Oct 12, 2006 3:34 PM EDT reply actions
Grant, I would have guess that the references to fires would remind you of Morgantown, W. Va
(Cue up CBG in three…two…one…)
by Geaux Irish on Oct 12, 2006 3:38 PM EDT reply actions
I’ve only spent one afternoon in Auburn (Opelika, actually) for a round of golf.
I can say the only thing that surpassed the beauty of the Grand National Lakes course were the AU girls that worked the clubhouse and beer cart.
If they were representative of Auburn’s finest co-eds then color me impressed.
Oh, but Montgomery is a shit hole. Just saying….
by gamecocktony on Oct 12, 2006 3:40 PM EDT reply actions
To go completely off topic, I have a question for all the Atlanta residents. What to do on October 21st…watch college football or go to the Greater Decatur Beer Festival???
by Crazy Joe on Oct 12, 2006 3:43 PM EDT reply actions
EDSBS is the richest melange of humor and sarcastically-framed information to be found anywhere, and this post, THIS POST, is the very best of EDSBS that I’ve seen in my year of Orson and Stranko fandom.
“Rain of Dogs.” Teh funny.
by featherynick on Oct 12, 2006 3:43 PM EDT reply actions
Funny — I always thought Auburn’s economy was based on cow and goat parts. Good thing we have these Lonely Planet guides.
by Newspaper Hack on Oct 12, 2006 3:50 PM EDT reply actions
I choose to fly my whirlybird UPWIND of the toxic fumes.
by Earl Schlobodowicz on Oct 12, 2006 3:55 PM EDT reply actions
Montgomery is a shitehole, however Auburn is 1 zillion times cooler than South Bend (town vs. town)
Plus there is 4 and 5 star talent at every turn!
by Erik on Oct 12, 2006 3:57 PM EDT reply actions
So is the Auburn rat-monkey related to the Sumatran rat-monkey? That could explain some things.
by oc phil on Oct 12, 2006 3:57 PM EDT reply actions
yeah no joke, sec girls = crazy hot
big 10 girls = crazy big
by Theri Maa Bhanchod! on Oct 12, 2006 3:59 PM EDT reply actions
>>Every August, however, a freak effect of El Nino showers the area with sealife picked up from the Gulf of Mexico, an effect know by the locals as "The Rain of Dogs." Repeated efforts to explain the phenomenon have failed, and animal shelters fill up annually with dead fish on leashes and gasping sea turtles…..
by grits-n-gravy on Oct 12, 2006 4:20 PM EDT reply actions
my sister spent her freshman year at auburn, and promptly transferred. the look in her eyes when she speaks of that year…
the horror.
by adam on Oct 12, 2006 4:22 PM EDT reply actions
>>Every August, however, a freak effect of El Nino showers the area with sealife picked up from the Gulf of Mexico, an effect know by the locals as "The Rain of Dogs."
by grits-n-gravy on Oct 12, 2006 4:32 PM EDT reply actions
Re #16 post – I haven’t made it to the Decatur beer festival yet, but I live in Decatur. I would surmise that the majority of the patrons at the festival would likely resemble the indigo girls (except they would be fatter and wear more flannel, if that’s possible). Translation: watch football.
by Pandemonium Reigns on Oct 12, 2006 4:36 PM EDT reply actions
Factual error alert! Wild boar attacks do NOT occur in every home and apartment. They occur in every farmhouse and mobile home.
I got confused halfway through and thought I was re-reading “Feast of Snakes” instead. Thanks for rekindling some horrific memories.
by Dinknflicka on Oct 12, 2006 5:10 PM EDT reply actions
“Uhhh, Orson, Auburn is in Georgia”
HAHAHAHAHAHA
This is the best thing I’ve read all day.
by Jacketdan on Oct 12, 2006 5:12 PM EDT reply actions
umm, nevermind. Next time I’ll read the whole thing first. I promise
by mark may on Oct 12, 2006 5:13 PM EDT reply actions
I’m guessing that after Tebow takes his own handoff from a spread-variation of the statue of liberty play for a 99 yard touchdown with no time left on the clock to win the game, he will rebuild the Republic of Auburn into a community of love. Then, just after baptising Mayor Lowder, they will errect a statue of him, but only to be admired, not worshiped.
Good game Gators.
by LSUfan on Oct 12, 2006 5:34 PM EDT reply actions
Orson-
Don’t you have family that went to Auburn (I my have read this while drink a some point and thus be way off), what did he/she do to avoid the snakes?
by Socraticsilence on Oct 12, 2006 5:52 PM EDT reply actions
He set himself on fire and kept the flames hot for four years with a steady stream of bourbon.
by Orson Swindle on Oct 12, 2006 5:55 PM EDT reply actions
Crazy Joe, the answer to your question is……..neither! The Gators off week should not be celebrated at home or in decatur(the worst excuse for a city….ever). You should make your way to Helen for Oktoberfest- the beer flows like an accidental spill of one’s “drink” on to Mrs. Fulmer.
by JG on Oct 12, 2006 6:06 PM EDT reply actions
Yeah.. I think one of the tire fires collaped while driving down Magnolia one day. He died and went to the CFL.
by Mark on Oct 12, 2006 6:54 PM EDT reply actions
Yeah, Damon Duval, like the wicked witch of the west, is dead, dead, dead. And Barners, take heed — the game won’t hinge on Kestahn Moore (a.k.a. “Robert Gillespie 2006”). There’s gonna be spattered blood flyin’ through the air when Heartburn DBs try to take down the option/post-pattern game. Bring on the snakes!
by the cuban comet on Oct 12, 2006 6:58 PM EDT reply actions
Yep, ol’ Damon Duval is dead, dead, dead.
So huddle ‘round the cave chalk drawings of the 2001 game, Barners, and remember this — the game won’t hinge on the fluttery running of a 180-pound scatback named Kestahn Moore (a.k.a. “Robert Gillespie 2006”). There’s gonna be spattered blood in the air every time a Heartburn DB tries to derail the option/post-pattern express.
Bring on the snake people!
by the cuban comet on Oct 12, 2006 7:02 PM EDT reply actions
Forget the Bradley—piece of tin crap. You’ve not lived until you’ve heated up a chili mac MRE over the engine exhaust of an M1 tank, dumped in the processed jalapeno cheese spread, downed it with some fine canteen water. Add some lemon poundcake for dessert, and that’s a darn fine meal. Good times.
Just ignore the roadwheel grease that inevitably gets mixed in—it keeps you regular.
by Nate on Oct 12, 2006 7:04 PM EDT reply actions
Chomp Chomp,
The reason they can’t decide between an eagle or a tiger is that biology is as sociology as a field of study in Auburn.
The simple truth is, they can’t tell the difference. And if you use the “wings” and “legs” argument, they look at you like you’re speaking Hindi.
by Peacemaker on Oct 12, 2006 7:19 PM EDT reply actions
Dang, who knew Robert Pelton took a break from
http://comebackalive.com/site3.php?page_id=9
and stared up with Lonely Planet?
by KongHorn on Oct 12, 2006 7:38 PM EDT reply actions
When I read this I swear to God I laughed so hard I almost shit in my deskchair. My wife thought it was time for the men in white coats to make a housecall. If only you could have woven the whole Toomer’s corner/toilet paper bullshit in there.
While in college in Birmingham I used to love to roadtrip to The Barn during hunting season to shag coeds. It was easy to find lonely girls because half of the male student body was out in the woods killing animals and butt-fucking each other.
War hinterland!
by JohnInHuntsville on Oct 12, 2006 8:54 PM EDT reply actions
I hope Lonely Planet turns an eye toward Clemson next. These 2 places make Gainesville, Tallahassee, Tuscaloosa, Athens, Columbia, Knoxville,…..look like paradise!
by AJM3 on Oct 12, 2006 9:02 PM EDT reply actions
Yeah, but just wait til they nix the eagle flying in before the game, and instead have me flying in from the upper deck on my enormous, sun-blocking, air-catching, child-frightening ears.
Screw a rain of Dogs, it’ll be a rain of obnoxious assholes when ‘ol Tubby’s kiting in from Section 100 of Jerks-In-Here.
Not to be missed.
Oh, and Click-Clack.
Tommy “The Aviator” Tuberville
by Tommy T. on Oct 12, 2006 9:28 PM EDT reply actions
Are you the same John in Huntsville that calls Finebaum? If so, you really don’t sound like as big of an assclown as you just did in that post. However, I like your newfound objectivity (or as close to objective as a bammer can get).
Anyway, what do you think Marc Guillon is doing right now?
by Cardiac Kids on Oct 12, 2006 9:32 PM EDT reply actions
That’s absolutely hilarious. Nice touch on all of the Lowder references; you’ve obviously done your homework.
by Tiger VI on Oct 12, 2006 9:42 PM EDT reply actions
Marc Guillon’s doing what he always does — complaining, running slow and throwing interceptions. I can’t wait for more of Jared Lorenzen’s lost little brother Jimmy Barnes taking snaps!
by Newspaper Hack on Oct 12, 2006 9:57 PM EDT reply actions
Just to clarify, Auburn fans are channeling the spirit of the 2001 Damon Duval. The 2002 Damon Duval missed the shortest field goal of his career against Florida at the end of the game to, uh, settle his gambling debts.
by AUAlum on Oct 12, 2006 10:34 PM EDT reply actions
Adam, a lot of fat girls transfer after their freshman year at Auburn.
by Bottagetta on Oct 12, 2006 10:36 PM EDT reply actions
Thanks for the helpful guide. Before I found this site, the only impressions I had of Auburn consisted of massive inferiority complexes and “Big Fish”. Now I know that they have really obnoxious fans who love their rattlesnakes.
by RodBeck on Oct 13, 2006 1:32 AM EDT reply actions
Massive inferiority complexes are really the key to understanding the Auburn “famle”.
by BamaCPA on Oct 13, 2006 7:53 AM EDT reply actions
“The simple truth is, they can’t tell the difference. And if you use the "wings" and "legs" argument, they look at you like you’re speaking Hindi. "
Hey what’s wrong w/ Hindi? Madarchod!
j/k
by Theri Maa Bhanchod! on Oct 13, 2006 8:57 AM EDT reply actions
Inferiority complexes are better than superiority complexes when you’ve beaten your rival 4 years in a row.
I heard Frank Sanders, Calvin Jackson, Scott Etheridge, James Bostic, Patrick Nix, and Stan White had a meeting at the Supper Club last night…
Shane Wasden was there, too.
by Cardiac Kids on Oct 13, 2006 10:15 AM EDT reply actions
Don’t forget collective penis envy when talking about the psychological makeup of the Auburn fanbase either. It’s so empowering to define yourself based on your failure to match your rival’s accomplishments.
It’s what we do. That , and violate sheep.
Dewars,
PD’sL
by Pat Dye's Liver on Oct 13, 2006 11:24 AM EDT reply actions
Auburn fans are far funnier (funny sad, not necessarily funny ha ha) in real life than anything one can say in jest about them.
They act like the sterotype they’ve become.
They’re basically a caricature
And I should know.
I’ll see you all Saturday, where i’ll fit right in…have the Aubie head waiting for me.
Damn War Eagle!
Lee
by Lee Corso on Oct 13, 2006 11:29 AM EDT reply actions
Cardiac Kids,
The only “assclown” on the Finebaum show is Bobby from Homewood, the poster child for the Auburn inferiority complex.
“Click Clack, Click Clack
We got pimp smacked”
by JohnInHuntsville on Oct 13, 2006 2:17 PM EDT reply actions
…An estimated $2,193 in business occurs monthly in the city, an improvement in the quality of life as seen in the booming plastic sheeting business. ..
Brilliant stuff. The blend of sarcasm and dialogue is uncharted. Well done…
by Guy on Oct 14, 2006 6:30 AM EDT reply actions
Man, Auburn is a good town, heck thats where I live, but I did think the Rattlesnake part was funny, heck even raw on occasion…. lol
by caleb petty on Sep 5, 2007 4:57 PM EDT reply actions
Comments For This Post Are Closed
Secondary Sidebar
User Tools
FanPosts
Community blog posts and discussion.
