In honor of our recent Arrested Development DVD binge, we present today’s Mustache of the Day….

…Dr. Tobias Funke.

Timocil!

DAMMIT. This actually happened in 2004. That’s what that “2004″ thing meant after the column. We though it just referred to Kentucky’s total offensive yards for the season or some such number. A thousand blog-lashes for us–we’ll be over here drinking our cough syrup and regrouping. We leave the article up as a valediction against being…well, being a damn sloppy blogger–ed.

Kentucky football and indecent exposure: two things that when seen even in limited doses subject the viewer/victim to inordinate trauma. And now they’re two great tastes that taste great together!

Two UK football reserves, redshirt freshmen offensive linemen Eric Klope and Casey Shumate, were involved in an indecent exposure incident along with recently dismissed UK fullback Joe Razzano. Article detail quoting begins….now:

Klope and Shumate then made “sexual comments” to a 10-year-old boy and a 12-year-old boy who were riding their bikes, the report said. The three came out of the bushes and off the porch. The two told the kids, “We are big fags … come up here so we can have a big orgy,” the report said.

Wait, this is followed up by the kind of grand intentional comedy adept stringers put in daily into wire pieces like this:

They also told the kids to “show some respect for UK football players,” according to the report.

If dropping their pants didn’t elicit respect from preteens, then that doesn’t bode well for any of them. We imagine this whole incident was started when the kids rode by idly, noticed a naked Razzano sitting on the porch, and then screamed out “FAGS!,” since it’s one of the five phrases adolescent males between the ages of 10-14 are capable of saying with absolute confidence. Razzano’s explanation for sitting nude on a porch at 9 p.m.:

When Razzano noticed the officer, he “fled inside (the) house to put clothes on.” The police report said he told police “he had been nude because when he woke up, his father called, so he went out on (the) porch to talk to him.”

Kentucky: if you’re gonna talk to daddy son, make sure you’re naked? Will that fit on a license plate?

Failed to get respect from preteens even after dropping pants. Hmm…

Florida State’s well-chronicled descent into mediocrity–now suddenly a fact, judging from the connections between their win-loss record, coaching staff management, and other terms of reality that journalistas are making–gets the proper treatment from The Itch, who comes up with the best analogy for Florida State’s sideline we’ve seen: Lord of the Flies.

Because of our obvious biases, we have little problem dispensing with respect and diving straight for the accusation of vile nepotism. Sure, watching Lorenzo Booker, he of the Tom Lemming breakup and downright azure blue-chip status at one point, running full speed into unblocked oncoming d-tackles might have done it; or perhaps watching the formerly lethal hornets of the Florida State wide receiving corps flail in a scheme only utilizing the jumpball as a deep pass. Those and losses to former ACC bottom feeders all might be nice clues, too.

Sometimes even the most hatetastic of haters is right.

Seeing your own deeply held and seemingly irrational personal biases intersect with reality…ah, that’s something rare indeed that only sports can really bring to you for free. (more…)

The final draft for our blogpoll ballot this week. We’re almost happy with this one, but see notes for clarifications and thanks to our observant readers.

A note: don’t follow the arrows–they reflect corrections from previously submitted drafts, not movement from last week.

Rank	Team	Delta
1	Ohio State	—
2	Southern Cal	1
3	Michigan	1
4	Florida	—
5	Tennessee	3
6	Texas	1
7	Louisville	—
8	California	1
9	West Virginia	3
10	Notre Dame	—
11	Georgia Tech	—
12	Auburn	—
13	Iowa	4
14	Oregon	2
15	LSU	5
16	Clemson	3
17	Oklahoma	2
18	Arkansas	4
19	Missouri	4
20	Nebraska	6
21	Wisconsin	5
22	Georgia	1
23	Boise State	2
24	Rutgers	3
25	Washington	1

Notes, errors, and more errors:

* In our original draft, we accidentally carried Houston over, leading to a slew of emails and comments pointing out how completely retarded this was. Leaving anyone who loses to Louisiana-Lafayette in your ballot is obviously a red flag for wack balloting, especially given that their name spells out “UL-LAF” on the scoreboard. Many opponents do, actually…

* There are a few obvious instabilities in the poll, logjams to be resolved by upcoming matchups that will even out conference distribution a bit. Michigan/OSU will knock out that logjam provided both teams remain undefeated.

* But past rationale in our blogpoll has been this: believe the zombie is dead when you see the head rolling. USC may have almost lost, but they remain undefeated and beat the daylights out of an Arkansas team that just paved Auburn. That game puts them back at two in our poll, where they’ll remain until someone manages beat them. Again, no rolling zombie head, no bump down. Doing so in prior weeks was a mistake.

Poll rule occasionally followed: believe the zombie is gone when you see the head roll.

* Tennessee is the best one-loss team in the nation, so they hit their ceiling right under Florida, whose offensive stuttering prevents us from placing them any higher.

*Texas only moves down with a victory because of Tennessee’s resilience and eventual dominance on the road at Sanford Stadium. We think they’d beat Texas, so down one seat you must slide.

* We’re of the mindset that Louisville’s improved defense sets them apart from WVU, a team that’s gotten sloppy in the doldrums of their midseason schedule. They slide down due to their own recent lassitude and the synced-up performance of Cal, who put the cables to Oregon. “NOBEL PRIZE! NOBEL PRIZE!”

*The only hedge we have in this poll is putting WVU ahead of Notre Dame. The game would likely be a shootout similar to WVU’s Sugar Bowl matchup with Georgia, but that’s just hypotheticals here, like “what if Orson could lay off the Robitussin for a few days,” and that just gets us nowhere, doesn’t it?

*LSU is the best two-loss team in the nation, but another lackluster showing and we’ll happily boot them out of the polls. They’re probably overranked here, especially given their dismal run game. They’re the Oklahoma of the SEC, just with the offensive deficiencies reversed.

* We dropped Virginia Tech for being unmemorable thus far. We have no other justification besides this and our readers insisting we were overrating them.

* Washington’s back in, since losing to the clock and the number two team in the nation is nothing to weep over.

* Given what you’ve seen this year…couldn’t every team in this poll beat the team ranked below it? That’s what governs the “grab-bag” section between, say, 13 and 25.

Submit your vehement disagreements below.

We think Pat Forde’s a reader of this blog, since he’s made several references in his column that sound like subtle tips of the cap to ours. We would like to take his latest installment of the Forde Yard Dash to issue the latest EDSBS Policy Statement: Pat Forde is officially on our side thanks to his choice of curvy women as “Dashettes,” particularly since he likes ‘em Univision style (e.g., this week’s pick of Mayra Veronica being a prime example.)

Don Francisco ain’t no dumbass.

To completely cover our asses here, we must make this policy statement as well: no one is more beautiful to the staffers of EDSBS than our own beloved wives. No one. But given the full time demands of the job of being Mmes. Swindle and Montana, we need to recruit a dedicated pigskin pinup for the blog, since being the official EDSBS Cheesecake Girl takes dedication, time, and most importantly a sea of easily hotlinked and googled images that come dangerously close to nudity without actually crossing the line. (No pink parts or femme-fur; them’s the rules.) Do you know how much time TCOAN spnds listening to us sing “The Orgeron Song” around the house? The woman is an overtaxed saint, and doesn’t need another responsibility. Ditto for Mme. Montana.

Last year Ki Toy Johnson, the woman from every Outkast video, was our semi-official pinup. But given the strain of the position, we feel it’s only fair to accept new nominees. Submit your ideas below. The criteria for what the EDSBS Pigskin Pinup are:

1. Must be curvy. This is subjective as always, but generally speaking, the further she is from Jenn Sterger, the better. This means the woman eats three meals a day, and does not suffer from obvious malnutrition or cricket wicket syndrome.

2. Must be plausibly intelligent, or at least not demonstrably stupid.

3. Must have style, even of the quirky variety.

4. Cannot be Kristin Davis, since T. Kyle’s got her on lockdown. (Being a lawyer, he knows the hundred foot restraining order is null and void at one hundred and one feet.)

Submit your nominations below.

Bevo the Thirteenth is no more, having mozied off this mortal coil to whatever afterlife awaits cows. Peter has the summary article, but we’d like to get a bit theological here: what kind of afterlife awaits Bevo the Thirteenth? He spent most of his time on earth doing the following:

1. Eating grass.

2. Farting.

3. Mating on command.

4. Being led around by the nose.

So Bevo heaven looks a lot like…Bevo’s earthly life. Or the lives of 50% of married men, actually, if you substitute the word “Mexican food” for “grass.”

The more likely scenario is that Bevo will be reborn as an Indian cow, where he may wander the streets of cities eating the tastiest bits of trash from the dumpsters, protected from slaughter by religion in most parts of the country. When TCOAN was in India, she sent us pictures of the cows feeding at night from the dumpsters: shadow images of long-necked white cattle lurking in the alley like bovine gangsters, more sinister-looking than you thought cows could ever look. They owned the place, and judging from the sinister gleam in their perfectly round black eyes, they knew it, too.

So, raise a toast: Bevo 13, here’s to your gangster alley cow heaven, where nary a bridle constrains your freedom to stuff your 22 stomachs with whatever the hell you want. R.I.P., our flatulent friend.

Now a cow gangster: RIP, Bevo 13.

Sonny Perdue, who just happens to be in the middle of a re-election campaign, wrote into the AJC to protest the coverage of Georgia’s defeat by Tennessee in Athens. Totally on his own. With no other motivations other than a lifetime of Georgia fandom. Yes.

An excerpt:

I finally figured out why your readers no longer have confidence in your opinion.

The AJC, not UGA, is the real loser.

The Bulldogs, for the record, lost the game by 18 points and allowed fifty points for the second time in its history at home. Damned liberal media…

He likes giblet gravy. You can tell just by looking at him.