This week’s lonely stab at coherence, followed by the appendix (like its physiological counterpart, it’s mostly useless and could be removed with little serious impact.)

Rank	Team	Delta
1	Ohio State	—
2	Michigan	1
3	Southern Cal	1
4	Florida	1
5	Texas	5
6	West Virginia	1
7	Louisville	1
8	Tennessee	5
9	California	5
10	Notre Dame	1
11	Georgia Tech	1
12	Auburn	10
13	Clemson	3
14	Arkansas	12
15	Missouri	10
16	Oregon	8
17	Iowa	2
18	Virginia Tech	—
19	Oklahoma	2
20	LSU	11
21	Rutgers	1
22	Wake Forest	2
23	Georgia	2
24	Houston	2
25	Boise State	1

Appendix (remember: useless.)

1. What the Hell are you doing with Michigan? Putting them at number two because they’re well-rounded, execute a simple game plan well, and have the best combined offense/defense combo in the nation right now with the notable exception of Ohio State, the current occupants of the penthouse suite. Also, without Mario Manningham they may not be here long, so we’ll stuff them here for funsies for now and let them have their week in the most dangerous spot in college football.

2. USC? Yup. They keep winning and are still, in many senses, drawing on advance credit here. Overvalued, but have given little reason to bump them because they just haven’t lost yet.

You’re coddling Florida in case they lose. Quite the opposite–we’re keeping them there because of real and grave concerns about the offense’s ability to move the ball consistently. The defenses in question are tough, but the last three performances of the Florida O have been underwhelming.

The rest is a mess, as usual. Should Missouri and Arkansas get those massive bumps from their victories, or simply continue edging up? Where does Virginia Tech belong? Or Oregon and Iowa, two of our poll darlings who’ve been slapped around a bit? Should be just go ahead and assume that Georgia’s that bad? And are the 24 and 25 spots automatic mid-major bids every week?

A great rhetorical device in politics is boldly asserting a value or viewpoint no one save the most bloodthirsty, depraved psychopath would dare disagree with, thereby implying that your opponent likes eat babies/run over the poor in his Bentley while chuckling and wearing a top hat/send naked Polaroids to Osama Bin Laden using stamps paid for by tax-payers. Whether you agree with the agenda or not, one of the funniest examples of this for us is saying you’re “for life,” as if your opponent will boldly assert his pro-death stance, put on a bull’s skull cap, and immediately rip the heart out of the moderator’s chest on camera.

Actually, Senator, I AM pro-death.

It’s just an example of cowardly, meaningless rhetoric in service of provocation and nothing more, forever shifting the actual argument to excitable talking points instead of actual substance. Segue to Mike Freeman’s column on CBS Sportsline about Chris Leak’s manhandling by Urban Meyer, a prime example of cowardly, meaningless rhetoric in service of an architect devoid of imagination, intellect, or a functioning gear besides “hack-ish columnistspeak.”

Yes, this will be a fisking, but as a challenge to ourselves, we will dismantle Freeman’s column without the benefit of profanity. (more…)

The finest collection of arbitrarily selected links and stories on the interweb, brought to you this morning by Geico, whose ads almost make commercial breaks tolerable:

–UConn coach Randy Edsall dismissed five players from the Huskies’ football team this weekend after the players brought beer back to their hotel room in Tampa the night before a 38-17 loss to South Florida.

This stands as further proof that Tampa is the real-life version of the city in Pinocchio where children become donkeys, enticed by shiny things and candy into getting into big, big trouble.

Go ahead and play pool and smoke–it always ends badly in Tampa.

–Lloyd Carr’s double-secret bubble of mumspeak notwithstanding, Mario Manningham is on crutches and will be off the field for a while for the Michigan Wolverines, per Brian and any Wolverines message board you’d care to cruise. This will affect the Wolverines offense, which has been using Manningham as their field-stretching play-action threat to great effect to this point.

–In more hearty, niacin-rich Big Ten news, P.J. Hill may be the heir to the “big-boned back” throne at Wisconsin, according to Bruce Ciskie, who follows football in parts of the country where drunks cannot pass out in ditches for fear of dying from exposure. He also thinks the Heisman is a meaningless beauty contest, just in case you wanted to know exactly how he feels about it.

–The Index wants everyone to just put down the syringe and hold off on euthanizing dynastic USC for a second, posting very compelling numbers about USC’s past hiccups during the regular season. He would also like you to know that Tim Tebow will probably run off tackle if he’s in the game.

–Georgia allows fifty for the first time since Spurrier? Paul blames the Cherrishinski.

–Firing coaches in the middle of a season is tacky, bogus, low-class…and just might be a move of suprising effectiveness, according to Pete Thamel of the New York Times, who recaps Florida’s midseason spiking of [NAME REDACTED] and the effect it had on the pursuit of Urban Meyer. According to Meyer, the firing and complete admission that the university was engaged in a job hunt seemed far more tastefully done than sniffing around behind a lame duck coach’s back.

“New synergies are created” alert: it may be catching on as a sports business practice:

“I think what Foley did was astute and showed clearly there was a strategy,” said Neil Cornrich, a lawyer and agent who represents numerous college coaches, including Iowa’s Kirk Ferentz and Oklahoma’s Bob Stoops. “I think that’s the trend. The smart athletic directors will follow Foley.”

Is thinking it would be “proactive” to just fire you now.

–In totally unrelated news: Dirk Koetter says “you don’t know the real Dirk.” The one who likes Jean Miro, and long hikes in the sierras, or the one who cried the first time he heard “X-Factor” by Lauren Hill, because you know, it could all be so simple, babe, but you’d rather make it hard. Did you know he likes peppermint tea when he’s sad? Did you? Or that he’ll get paid exactly $950,000 for each year remaining on his contract in the event of his firing?

–SMQ’s right: after Ohio State, spots 2-5 are “up for grabs.”

–SMU’s quarterback has a stalker–a male stalker. Justin Willis was suspended from the team indefinitely for punching the stalker, says Willis’ father, whose son is living a scene from The Talented Mr. Ripley sans the beautiful Mediterranean scenery right now. Stalking is an art, though; remember that it’s always important to give your victim their space, since stalking’s less of a sprint, and more of a marathon. They will love you eventually! Especially after you save them from the tiger attack you spent three years carefully orchestrating!

–Nestor calls Arizona a “cheap, white trash” program. We call racism! What about the black trash on their roster, huh? Or latinos? They’ll never get the coveted “ethnic trash” athlete with this kind of recruiting.

Demanding, yes; arrogant, of course. Sadistic? Uhmm…perhaps? Take the State’s account of the public shaming Ron Cooper endured following South Carolina’s 24-17 victory over Kentucky Saturday night, and you may have good anecdotal evidence of Spurrier’s new, post-NFL management style circa 2006.

The summary: Spurrier, when asked what exactly happened after giving up a 63 yard pass to Kentucky late in the game, summoned his secondary coach in to answer the questions. Ron Cooper, freshly showered and wearing a tie, stumbled in to face questions about the coverage.
Note to self: never, ever wear a tie to a press conference where your incompetence is the topic of discussion. You will fiddle with it and look nervous. Instead, take a gun in a manila envelope. That gets everyone’s attention.

Moments after Spurrier asked Fink to find the Gamecocks’ assistant head coach, Cooper interrupted Spurrier’s media conference. His white dress shirt was buttoned and tucked neatly, but Cooper straightened his silver necktie while standing before the surprised group.

Cooper: “Just didn’t prevent.”

If anyone hears about Spurrier installing a round table with flaming trap doors, please tip us to the story.

UPDATE: Herr Spurrier has apologized. Sort of.

Ron Cooper got the Mustafa treatment on Saturday night.

They’re the professionals. This week they correct the stolen Auburn playbook in vicious fashion.