WEEKEND REVIEW, PART TWO: GAINES ADAMS IS A BADASS EDITION

by Orson on Oct 9, 2006 1:54 PM EDT

While Tampa police officers are still busy beating the hell out of USF fans for standing up in the stands and attempting to behave like football fans, we continue the hectic rundown of the weekend's activities.

"Doing the wave, huh? Is that what the hippies are calling it these days? ON THE GROUND, HIPPIE!"

--Oklahoma/Texas! 2002's hottest matchup played out pretty much according to punditry scripts. (Again we'd like to remind everyone that this was not the case in the LSU/Florida game, which everyone on the planet except Brandi the Wonder Dog and Lee Corso got wrong. Include us in this statement.) Texas proved too deep, Bob Stoops took one more step down the slippery slope of coaching middle age, and Paul Thompson proved once again that when you go to the stat sheet to pick games between two good teams, one side's impressive stats will melt beneath the other's.

Thompson was among the nation's leaders in passing efficiency coming into the game. This may have sounded odd to you, and should have: Thompson hadn't faced pressure and occluded passing lanes like he faced against Texas on Saturday. Oklahoma had been confounding defensive gameplans by not running Adrian Peterson 45 times a game, a stubborn insistence on balance despite Thompson's limitations as a passer. So they let Peterson eat within reason--109 yards on the ground--and let Thompson dig the Sooner's grave, pressuring without bringing a ton of blitzes and hitting the flesh off anyone who dared touch the ball.

Gene Chizik, call an estate planner. Your income will triple in the next year. Stoops must, somewhere in his soul, be rooting for Mike to get a pink slip at Arizona and return to his staff. Oklahoma's defense hasn't been the the same since hermano left the Sooners, leaving Stoops coughing up big games Oklahoma used to gut out with defense.

--CBS Gamenote: Tim Brando used the speech pattern "The Fighting ____s" four times in a single five minute segment on the Saturday. This merits some kind of sanction or rehab, we argue.

Call the WTO. We want a sanction.

--Spencer Tillman, however, no longer wears eyeliner. This is positive, since a light blush and soft eyes works a lot better on his complexion.

--Clemson wore the purple pants on Saturday, a color choice straight from the palette of Maxfield Parrish, and still managed to overcome Ugly Uniform Curse and allowing Wake Forest to get up 17-7 on them. Special teams plays don't just damage teams; they straight kill them, especially when they come as auspiciously timed as Gaines Adams' forced fumble and return on a flubbed field goal by Wake Forest. Gaines completed the single greatest one-man nutpunching of a team in a single play by doing the following on a single snap:

1. Rushing to the holder and nimbly recognizing the botched play, hesitating for a nanosecond. Gaines, for the record, weighs 260 pounds; what he did compares to running a traffic cone slalom with a loaded garbage truck.

2. Turning his full 260 pounds on the poor holder and separating his undoubtedly stunned body from the ball.

3. Picking up the wandering pigskin and running the length of the field for the TD that began the comeback.

The snapper looks pretty terrified. He should have been.

Adams every step reeked of another ten thousand on his signing bonus. Wake played over their head for the first half and simply ran out of belief juice despite baiting Will Proctor into three picks. Them making a bowl this year is all but assured, though, provided [NAME ALSO REDACTED] doesn't touch down in Winston-Salem on a connecting flight to East Lansing. That man is contagious.

--Linda Cohn prounonuces Pur-due as "Poor-due." Freudian slip, or Lahhngaiiiland accent? And what did she do to deserve the Saturday throwback bitch duty on ESPN? Badmouth ESPN Mobile publicly?

--We caught two things about USC's near-death experience with Washington. First, Washington almost beat them, something only our magic bloggerpundit glasses allow us to see as really, really bad for USC. Second, they also scored on a fake field goal, which is what offenses do when they're stalled and in need of a little pick-me-up to score. We know this since Urban Meyer went fake-happy last year when the spread option stalled. In fact, the fake punt was our finest play for a three week span culminating in the LSU debacle.

This means USC is good, but misfiring left and right and drawing on past credit. Where to put them in a poll? If you're a futures-trader type who votes without consideration of past performance, keeping them in the top three is inexcusable at this point, especially since their prime performance came against a Nebraska team operating, it seems, without a functional pair of testicles at this point. (Callahan's Trojan game plan was simply despicable coaching.) If you allow USC to coast on what you think they may be capable of, then you're drawing on last year. Judging from the results of this weekend, this is a dangerous assumption.

--Isiah Stanbach, according to someone on the broadcast, runs a 10.4 in the 100 yard dash.

--Gus Malzahn has the second most stylish pair of eyeglasses in D-1 football, a pair of wireless specs from the Mike Martz Collection. (Unlike Martz, he seems to believe in the run, calling 15 out of 16 plays on an Arkansas scoring drive on the ground against Auburn. It was like watching someone get beat to death with a shoe.)

Mark Trestman, NC State OC, still holds the crown with his fashionable art dealer specs: black frame without Buddy Holly, stylish but not femme. David Cutcliffe gets third for his grampa reading glasses, since they give him that owlish perfesser vibe we've always associated with him anyway.

--Another fake name alert: Sam Swank, Wake Forest punter.

Alternate reality job with a name like that: lead singer for mediocre college town ska band.

--Science is about shifting paradigms, and we may be on the verge of shift as the principle of Chan Gailey Equilibrium is in danger of being disproved. Georgia Tech, three quarters into the scheduled collapse to a mediocre Maryland team at home following a big loss, unshackled themselves and clawed their way back into a win thanks to defensive hustle, solid running by Tashard Choice, and competent, level-headed play by Reggie Ball, winning 27-24 in regulation. They didn't even need overtime! Or divine intervention!

Reggie Ball's fumble total may be the most serious threat to Chan Gailey Equilibrium: zero. None. The man who used to be a human Juggs machine under center hasn't unleashed a single fumble this season (or at least not on the books, at least--we just checked.) We'll watch the data to see if the theory holds true, if not this season, then at least for Gailey's career; it stands to reason that if Tech goes 10-2 this year, a 4-8 season would follow, at least according to script.

They do not, however, deserve to be ranked behind Georgia at this point, as the fucktarded USAToday poll has them. The paper written at a fifth grade level for a reason...

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Fucktarded….definately an underused word!

by aerobab on Oct 9, 2006 2:04 PM EDT reply actions

Oh come on! Who’s better than USC, Auburn? Florida?! — where you guys have that oh so tricky Tebow jump shot into the end zone?! Yeah, that looked goooooood.

USC’s completely dinged up, they’re not halfway through the season and they keep winning.

Florida jumping USC is the joke.

by Sam Mathews on Oct 9, 2006 2:04 PM EDT reply actions

In the Clemson/WF game when they showed the holder on the sideline, he looked as if he were about to cry. I thought it was really awesome how WF fans launched an internet assault on all the Clemson message boards and maybe thirty minutes after the game was over, everyone with “Clemson”, “Tiger”, or any other Clemsontype handle was baninated. How cootish is that? Not gonna lie, we played terribly until the 4th quarter, then we played like we should have all game long. 24 points in one quarter? Get outta here!!

by Willy Mac on Oct 9, 2006 2:27 PM EDT reply actions

Great word O. Unfortunately, you still are under the impression that poll voters actually make sensible decisions.

It wouldn’t be an annual B©S meltdown without someone screwing the pooch when it comes to polls. Just wait until December when bowl $ is on the line.

by Geaux Irish on Oct 9, 2006 2:27 PM EDT reply actions

I overheard Marta talking to her mom on the phone…it was all in spanish, but I figured out that she’s in love with someone named Hermano. We’ve got to go to Arizona and find this Hermano guy and kick his ass…

by RaginCajunRebel on Oct 9, 2006 2:39 PM EDT reply actions

stanback runs a 10.4 100meters time…hes a disgusting athlete, i think hes all pac-10 in track and he got drafted by the orioles in the spring. Wow.

by jiminez on Oct 9, 2006 2:45 PM EDT reply actions

That’s my son, you pothead.

by Phil K. on Oct 9, 2006 2:46 PM EDT reply actions

Annyong!

by Panhandler on Oct 9, 2006 2:57 PM EDT reply actions

Nervous USC Fan Dept.:

Watching SC against the Washington schools during the past two weekends has been very difficult. I do not know what is worse, the injuries, the offense not punching in TD’s and settling for field goals, the matador type defense, or the coaching that looks like on-the-job-training. (Actually, the offensive coordinator is learning on the job. Is is too late for SC to get Norm Chow back from that NFL cesspool that is ironically known as the Titans?)

Blogmeister Swindle writes: "…keeping them (USC) in the top three is inexcusable at this point, especially since their prime performance came against a Nebraska team operating, it seems, without a functional pair of testicles at this point." Before this weekend that statement may have as true as it is funny, but, it now seems that beating Arkansas by 36 points may be USC’s biggest win.

So far, it looks like it will be either THEosu or Michigan against either Florida or USC for all of the marbles, if SC can get their act together before it is too late and Florida does not stumble in the next key games. It would be awful, though, if West VA, a school that plays mostly nancy boys, gets a shot at the championship game.

by Stacy Keibler Loves Me on Oct 9, 2006 3:15 PM EDT reply actions

It’s a good thing I didn’t bet the mortgage payment on the spread, that’s all I’m saying.

by DC Trojan on Oct 9, 2006 3:33 PM EDT reply actions

Note to all placekick holders: You are not Joe Montana. You are not even Andre Ware. If you could pluck a mishandled snap from the turf in the kneeling position and avoid an angry, 300 pound (with probably 4.7 speed) All-American who wants to pull you apart and suck the marrow from your tibia to make a heroic throw that even comes close to crossing the line of scrimmage, you would be the starting QB. Know your role. Fall on the fricking ball.

by Continuation T. Arranger on Oct 9, 2006 4:17 PM EDT reply actions

Agony, thy name is Sooner football:
http://burntorangenation.com/story/2006/10/8/121225/404

by Orangeblood on Oct 9, 2006 4:17 PM EDT reply actions

Ah, those captions on Burnt Orange Nation will have me smiling the rest of the day. It makes for a good daily double with the “Corso (heart)’s (phallus)” dry erase board from Game Day.

by Geaux Irish on Oct 9, 2006 5:24 PM EDT reply actions

that’s and awesome picture, ob

by Wooderson on Oct 9, 2006 5:25 PM EDT reply actions

I’d rank SC fourth because they are still undefeated after more road games than home, all their opponents have been from BCS conferences and WVU’s schedule has been so weak.

The injury and inexperience problems will work themselves out, but the lack of stud D-Lineman might haunt them through next year. Carroll said his rebuilding project took off when he signed Cody and Patterson in his first class. They’ve recruited great receivers, running backs, qb’s and linebackers the last three years, but where ar the D-Line recruits that will make a Cover 2 scheme work? An accurate and patient quarterback will bleed their zone coverage to death.

by SeaTrojan on Oct 9, 2006 5:31 PM EDT reply actions

Add an FSU fan to the list of Lee and Brandi the Wonder Dog:
http://theitch.wordpress.com/2006/10/05/your-weekend-primer-5/
I even nailed the final score. Too bad I didn’t choose “The Noles get pissed on” as my final score for the NC State game.

by Halleck T. on Oct 9, 2006 5:56 PM EDT reply actions

“CBS Gamenote: Tim Brando used the speech pattern "The Fighting ____s" four times in a single five minute segment on the Saturday. This merits some kind of sanction or rehab, we argue.”

And ESPN played off of it on it’s Gameday Final show by calling Stanford “The fightless Walt Harris’s.” And really, anyone who has seen Stanford the past two seasons or Pitt in it’s final two seasons under Walt (Or WLAT if you’re a Pitt fan) is loathe to disagree.

by Corso's rental car on Oct 9, 2006 6:24 PM EDT reply actions

As a USC fan I think this year is fun so far. I felt pretty confident all the way through both the WSU and UW games, except for that last UW drive when I got some Vince Young flashbacks. But the bottom line is that those games were more fun than the WSU game last year when it was 28-0 in the first quarter. Of course it won’t be much fun if USC loses. I know lots of people would favor Cal or Oregon over USC at this point, but I still think if Jarrett comes back strong then
USC’s biggest problems are solved. The Huskies got a couple of breaks with hugeUSC plays called back on penalties (the Steve Smith touchdown and Chauncy Washington’s 60 yard run). Either of those plays could have turned the game into a more comfortable USC victory.

And Washington has a shot at beating Oregon and or Cal. The Pac-10 race could end up very interesting this year.

I think Florida, Michigan or USC are all legitimate choices for #2 this week.

by oc phil on Oct 9, 2006 6:32 PM EDT reply actions

oc phil,

USC is much more fun to watch when they’re firing on all cylinders. Even people who hated the Trojans were entertained by their play the last four years. The special teams are certainly the best they’ve been in PC’s 6 years, but there is no flow on offense and little leadership on defense. I don’t have a problem if this ends up being a down year (and 10-2 is a nice “down year”) but, except for the running game, they aren’t improving, they’re regressing.

by SeaTrojan on Oct 9, 2006 7:09 PM EDT reply actions

Yeah, USC using a gadget play on a TD drive is completely unlike Florida using a reverse pass against Kentucky. Mostly because Washington will end up in a bowl game.

And will the offense is regressing with major injuries at fullback and its top 3 receivers, it at least has a kicker that puts FG on the scoreboard when drives stall. Hows that working down in Gainesville?

When all is said and done, this SC team will be healthy and primed for its final stretch run. And when the record is finally recorded this team will have beat division champs from the SEC and BigXII, a BCS-bound ND team and all the other teams in its conference. Florida will have beaten some of the teams in its conference, and possibly (if things change) division champs from CUSA and ACC (of course, the FSU team they’ll face is currently 5th in their division).

I think the voters that still have USC pay a little more attention to the football played on the field, than the football played in the newspapers and highlight shows. Perhaps you should follow suit.

by kidomaha on Oct 10, 2006 12:12 AM EDT reply actions

So SeaTrojan, are you saying that you’d rather watch a game like the Arkansas or UCLA beatdowns last year or the Notre Dame game?

Dominating does not suck, but I’d rather watch a tight exciting game.

As far as the team regressing, I think being down to the 4th string fullback and WRs #4 and #5 will do that to a team. Booty has still looked solid even without a full arsenal at his disposal. I don’t see anything on the defensive side of the ball that a bit more of a pass rush wouldn’t cure. Given the quality atheletes on the team and the coaching staff, I’m still optimistic that the team needs some tweaking rather than a major overhaul.

by oc phil on Oct 10, 2006 2:30 AM EDT reply actions

If you thought the Clemson purple pants were garrish, you should know there are whispers of going all-purple versus Georgia Tech on the 21st.

by Ray Ray on Oct 10, 2006 6:41 AM EDT reply actions

ripping on Brando and then making fun of my beloved USA Today..the op/ed page is gold…these UF cocksuckers are gettin too full of themselves

by matt on Oct 10, 2006 9:46 AM EDT reply actions

Nice Arrested Development reference, RaginCajunRebel!

by Joe from Minneapolis on Oct 10, 2006 11:43 AM EDT reply actions

oc phil

I agree the offense will get better and I feel the running game is on the verge of breaking out. Losing Powdrell was a huge blow as he was a real weapon at fullback.

There is no leader on defense, ala a Tatupu. People compare this team to 2003 because of the new backfield, but that’s only one side of the ball. Compare the D-line from that year: Udeze, Patterson, Cody, Wright, and even Rucker, to this year, Jackson (all hype so far) and a gimpy Ellis.

Regarding close game vs. blowout preferences, I don’t view it that way. I want to see an awesome display of talent operating at peak efficiency; great football – which often leads to blowouts.

by SeaTrojan on Oct 10, 2006 12:51 PM EDT reply actions