CHUCK AMATO SURVIVAL METER
Jeff Bowden unveiled his latest tweak to the Florida State offense last night. Masterful work, we say:
1st down: Booker stuffed on an ineffective run.
2nd down: Booker stuffed on an ineffective run.
3rd down: Drew Weatherford gets horse-collared down three yards shy of a first down.
With the exception of two possessions last night, this was the FSU offense, a deplorable dysfunctional ballet that takes top-tier talent and destroys it with middle-school coaching. Bowden the Unready continues to make the football equivalent of a wine spritzer with his tools, popping the cork on a ‘54 Latour and then pouring Sprite into it to “make it taste good.” FSU has a 6′6″ receiver that they cannot get the ball to–that is all that you need to know about the deep, incomprehensible shittiness of this offense.
Chuck Amato’s not complaining. In fact, his survival meter took a robust uptick last night. For today, Chuck’s looking quite chesty, as his rating has risen to Eugene Sandow: 19th century pre-scientific bodybuilding, strong, yes, but would probably still die after trying to lift a car, as Sandow did:
Sadly, Sandow suffered a fatal brain hemorrhage when, according to legend, he tried to pull his car from a ditch in the interests of physical display.
We could totally see Chuck Amato surviving this season, not getting fired, and then dying after trying to do the exact same thing.
Chuck Amato Survival Meter: Sandowish.
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1
Erik says:
Are The Techies Really the Best team in The ACC?
Wow.
What a turd of a conference.
Now, when is The ACC going to challenge the SEC for Interstellar Dominance (to use a phase Tech fans can relate to)
October 6th, 2006 at 9:30 am
2
irishoutsider says:
Chuck Amato is currently at an old-timey Strong Man level of job security. He has been seen victoriously circling the NC State campus on one of those big wheel bikes.
October 6th, 2006 at 9:30 am
3
Sleestack90 says:
I know I’m splitting hairs here, but a 1954 Latour is probably vinegar by now, and was never anything great to begin with (Broadbent claims that this vintage produced wines that were “chunky, coarse & blunt”). Your Bowden analogy was fantastic, but could have been perfected by substituting Latour’s 1961 vintage (100 points RP).
October 6th, 2006 at 9:42 am
4
Joe says:
Dead on assessment Orson. And as a lifelong Nole fan, it’s fucking killing me.
Florida State Football 2001 to ? – Where talent goes to die.
October 6th, 2006 at 9:43 am
5
celeste says:
I like how FSU had to rent the NC-Central marching band because they didn’t want to take Marching Chiefs out of “class,” or whatever they call it over there. Maybe they can rent a new offensive coordinator for away games too.
October 6th, 2006 at 9:45 am
6
AllWhoYonder says:
Amato really needs to grow a big handlebar mustache. Also, he is wasting that barrel chest by hiding it under a shirt. I say bare it, Chuck!
October 6th, 2006 at 9:50 am
7
Ohiodawg says:
If Chuck becomes bowl eligible, at his final regular season press conference he’ll tear his shirt off, Hulk style, and beat his chest while calling out his detractors by name. I’m sure of it.
October 6th, 2006 at 9:55 am
8
Chili says:
54 Latour has become the expensive wine label reference du jour, you guys could’ve at least dropped a Petrus reference on us.
October 6th, 2006 at 10:05 am
9
HFS says:
Ohiodawg -
If Amato does that, The Orgeron will sue him for infringing his patent, copyright and trademark.
Then The Orgeron will eat him. Three days later, The Orgeron will crap out a better offensive coordinator than he has now. But I digress.
October 6th, 2006 at 10:06 am
10
Alpha Wolf says:
It’s amazing what having a competent QB can do for you. If you watch NC State football (you haven’t, but I do as it’s my alma mater) you’d see that since Philip Rivers left at the end of 2002 it has been a three-ring circus of back quarterbacking in Raleigh. After Southern Miss handed State their asses in Hattiesburg, Amato made the change at QB to a kid who only got a scholly when Brent Schaeffer decided to go to UT instead of NCSU, a team he’d verbally committed to. It took Daniel Evans two years, but he’s the best QB in years in a Wolfpack uniform and under his guidance, NC State finally has an effective offense.
October 6th, 2006 at 10:08 am
11
Johnny says:
How bout that post game interview on the field with Chesty? I didn’t hear a word he said after “ICE”! I hope he never gets fired. He’s just too much fun to listen to!
October 6th, 2006 at 10:14 am
12
Chuck says:
Sandow is popularly thought to have died of syphilis, Orson. One can only hope the same fate is in store for Amato.
October 6th, 2006 at 10:16 am
13
Fulmer was "Piggy" in Lord of the Flies says:
All this talk in the comments about Amato ripping his shirt off begs the question:
Amato vs. The Orgeron
Discuss.
October 6th, 2006 at 10:20 am
14
RedRoot says:
Instead of burning couches, apparently they burn chemical plants to celebrate.
http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/10/06/plant.fire/index.html
October 6th, 2006 at 10:22 am
15
MassDad says:
Even when St Bobby was actively coaching ( longer ago than St Joe), he was a mediocre coach. Only the ‘can’t miss’ talent available to Free shoes U made it so most hardly noticed, especially the kissass press. Maybe Jr just con’t overcome the handicap of those genes. “Talent comes to die”, indeed. Bad choice, Lorenzo!
October 6th, 2006 at 10:29 am
16
Her Loyal Sons » Friday Roundup says:
[...] EDSBS says Chesty Amato’s looking pretty darn strong for a guy who died in the 19th century. [...]
October 6th, 2006 at 10:35 am
17
The Frog says:
I am a huge FSU football fan. Huge. But you’re right – Jeff Bowden is destroying this program. This offense is painful to watch. Put Booker on USC and I guarantee you he is in Heisman consideration – he is such an electric talent that is not being utilized at all.
Does anybody think there’s a chance that Papa Bowden retires after this season, and the ‘Noles go after Mark Richt?
October 6th, 2006 at 10:40 am
18
Tom says:
So… Jeff Bowden is normally a terrible offensive coordinator, but has anybody noticed that his playcalling tends to get a lot worse whenever facing Amato and Amato is on the hot seat?
It’s like Bobby Bowden sends a message to him: “We’re not trying to beat Amato. He needs to keep his job. Call plays accordingly.”
Not that Bobby would need to send such a message to make Jeff’s playcalling bad.
October 6th, 2006 at 10:42 am
19
DC Trojan says:
Thanks Orson, Amato’s chest has now entered the category of “I fear to look, but I cannot turn away” — rather like Jeff Bowden’s play-calling.
Anyway, now that I can’t NOT notice Chesty, I think he’s wearing some kind of manly corset — that’s why the manboobs wibble so subtly over a suspiciously flat gut.
October 6th, 2006 at 10:47 am
20
PSUgirl says:
Amato v Orgeron? I think there would be a lot of high pitched screaming and all that would be left would be traces of funky little chewed up sunglasses on the ground.
oh, and, God is good.
October 6th, 2006 at 10:55 am
21
darthgatorone says:
Yeah, Ethelred’s ( I mean Jeffy’s) offense had a certain ancient Saxon battleaxe feel about it, but did anyone notice that the real culprit in Nole loss was the defense of the Frog-faced Mickey Andrews? NC State ran the ball for 150 yards, passed for 190 and just flat-out abused the Nole dbs. The offense sucks, but when the defense collapses the Nollies are in deep organic material.
Footbaw!
October 6th, 2006 at 10:57 am
22
Harvey Wireman says:
Swindle writes: “–this was the FSU offense, a deplorable dysfunctional ballet–”
I would prefer to see a ballet, even a deplorable dysfunctional one, than that thing that currently passes as a college football offense at FSU.
October 6th, 2006 at 11:05 am
23
Harvey Wireman says:
That FSU offense gags more than Texas’ No. 1 Fan – Matthew McConaughey. Here is the link of McConaughey practicing his ’sucking the big one’ technique.
http://www.tmz.com./2006/10/02/whats-matt-doing-with-his-toothbrush/
October 6th, 2006 at 11:10 am
24
RedRoot says:
Statement release by Pres. Bush, “Your doin a heckuva job Jeffie!”
October 6th, 2006 at 11:26 am
25
Ohiodawg says:
What, no suggestions for a ‘97 Screaming Eagle? Best when mixed with Faygo orange.
October 6th, 2006 at 11:35 am
26
MCab says:
Erik @ #1: Look who’s leading the division that NCSU is at: WAKE FOREST. And look who’s bottom feeding: FSU!
I think Amato ought to wear a singlet. And boxing gloves. He is the Strong Bad of college football. NCSU sounds a lot like CGNU.
“Our defense is like so crazy-go-nuts, maaaaan.”
BTW, I was at the USM/NCSU game, being a closeted USM fan. Much fun, esp when USM pulled away.
October 6th, 2006 at 11:47 am
27
Halleck T. says:
There’s been some disagreement in Tally about who’s actually calling the offense- Bobby of Jeff- and some grumbling has it that Dad is screwing with son’s offense. Not that it matters- the end result is itsh on a stick. And Saint Bobby won’t retire until JoePa keels over- he wants to keep that record. Which is fantastic news for us Noles fans.
October 6th, 2006 at 12:44 pm
28
Andy says:
Just remember. Norm Chow has stated that he’d like to have a head coaching gig at NC state. Bowden probably lets it go to Amato so he wouldn’t have to face the evil genius of Chow. Jeff Bowden wouldn’t understand what kind of play calling was going on on the other side of the field.
October 6th, 2006 at 12:52 pm
29
Lee_Corsos_Rental_Car says:
I love this complete implosion of the Ass Clown Conference. Hey Swofford, how good if you Big East raid looking now? Your only undeated team is Wake effing Forest, and no one in your conference would be within 14 points of West Virginia, Louisville, and maybe Rutgers.
Here’s to an ACC Championship involving an 8-4 Wake vs. a 7-5 Miami and maybe 11,000 people in the stands.
October 6th, 2006 at 4:32 pm
30
Continuation T. Arranger says:
What does Amato’s voice sound like when he gets horse? A combination of Flipper and fingernails on a blackboard would be my first guess.
October 6th, 2006 at 5:09 pm
31
Nathan says:
Georgia Tech or Clemson would absolutely asspound Rutgers, lets not be silly.
October 6th, 2006 at 5:37 pm
32
secrules says:
was disappointed to see that Chucky is down to like a 44DD. Must be the stress – maybe he’s not eating enough. shriveling up…….might need to get implants pretty soon.
October 6th, 2006 at 7:02 pm
33
secrules says:
‘Dead on assessment Orson. And as a lifelong Nole fan, it’s fucking killing me?
Comment by Joe — October 6, 2006 @ 9:43 am ‘
Hey Joe – where ya going with that gun in your hand? just kiddin.
come on man – FSU needs to join the SEC!!!!!!! you are a football school. what were you thiking? hoping to beat Duke in the final four??????????
October 6th, 2006 at 7:05 pm
34
Lee_Corsos_Rental_Car says:
Please Nathan,
Rutgers is ranked, and we all know what Clemson does when they see a team with a ranking next to their name *GAK!* Temple could beat Clemson if you just put a #19 or #21 before their name.
October 6th, 2006 at 8:26 pm