In an effort to compress content into a very busy Friday–may god damn those TPS reports to the deepest sublet level of hell along with the interminable trainings–we present the weekend’s rapid rundown of games in a format most of our viewers can readily understand: each game as a vomit-inducing, teeny-girl wrecking shooter.
Barkeep! Over here….
The Lemon Drop: Florida v. LSU. A little sweet around the edge thanks to all the frippery surrounding it: Gameday, huge forecasting implications for each team, and the most intolerable uniform colors seen on a single field this year. (The only thing more shocking would be an LSU/Oregon matchup with the ZINGY all yellow unis. Take Vera Wang, pry her eyelids open for three hours and force her to watch this game, and she would die of shock.)
If screaming lunacy wore a uniform, it would look like this combined with a Gator uniform.
Like the lemon drop, though, the sweetness will fade to a slow, lingering burn down the throat as this game cruises down the gullet. LSU’s got the number one defense in the league, UF’s got the number one offense, oppositional comparison, blah blah blah…tangible things which should trouble both teams going into this game:
1. LSU can’t run. Holtth called thith accurately in his pregame to FSU/NC State lathst night when he remarked that one of the reasons Jamarcus Russell generated such great fantasy numbers came from LSU’s relative inability to run the ball in key games, notably the 42 yard performance at Auburn and the 108 against a tenacious yet hopelessly outmanned Miss. State line. Little indicates they’ll be able to produce on the ground against the 3rd ranked rush defense in the nation.
Thus: if you’re a statnik who leans on the totem of “he who rushes, wins,” Florida just earned a point with you.
Florida won’t be able to run, either. LSU’s evil fast and will clamp down on the misdirection runs and option plays. Gator fans must prepare to either weep or laugh on the 3-4 runs Chris Leak will make, because they will be horrible.
Chris Leak and Jamarcus Russell will both, at times, appear to have large amounts of money bet on the other side. Leak’s capable of Chris Rix-like picks at least once a game, while Russell is fond of throwing balls so hard into coverage that a tipped ball/INT seems like an event of geological inevitability. The two will cancel each other out, hopefully.
The team with the greatest overall offensive efficiency will win this game. Calling the defenses, negated run games, and sporadically flaky qbs a push, this leaves us with overall efficiency and turnover margin as the tipping factor. LSU wins on both of these, even with the return of smokin’ Marcus Thomas and Percy Harvin.
LSU 17, Florida 13. Like the lemon drop, what starts out sweet often ends up sour (read: throwing up in back of total strangers car at 4 a.m. in the middle of loud, obnoxious defense of Wu-Tang: Forever’s quality.
***NOTE: We make an entirely different prediction over at We Are The Postmen. Viva la hypocrisy!!! Either way we win!***
The Jello Shooter: Oklahoma vs. Texas.
Gelatin, made from bones and turned into something wobbly, a description matching the consistency of both Big 12 Titans who’ve gone jiggly in a storm of rebuilding, general malaise in Oklahoma’s case, and letdown from the national title in Texas’. And like the jello shot, this one should go down smooth and easy, since both teams will run the ball like it’s 1973. Those protesting the new clock rules may want to skip this game, since the EDSBS projected game time of two hours and ten minutes will infuriate you to the point of apoplexy.
We’re late! We’re late! For a very important date! Thank God for rule 3-2-5-e!
The passing games for both teams have skipped a beat with the introduction of newish starters (Paul Thompson would like to pretend he wasn’t around last year, at least.) On the ground both teams are prolific, racking up yardage from multiple sets in both instances. Coaching-wise, the sunny, freewheelin’ Mack Brown has vanished this year, replaced by Mack Brown the Thin, a shadow of his former self who’s put the clamps on his freshman quarterback. Bob Stoops is suffering a charisma power outage that has spread to his pass defense, a weakness that along with “WWE Ring Official” performance by the game refs led to the Sooners’ collapse in Eugene.
Oklahoma coughs up the ball like a bondage gimp going to lunch break, and Texas’ superior defense wins out, probably because of something terrifying and talented Michael Griffin does. Adrian Peterson running ruts in the ground will be the sole highlight for Oklahoma, though we’ll be busy rooting for the appearance of water-buffalo-in-pads Henry Melton, who would like you to give him that sandwich immediately.
Texas 20, Oklahoma 7
The Goose Egg: Tennessee at Georgia. The recipe for a Goose Egg is as follows: Pepper, Tabasco, Goldschlager, well rum, well tequila, and a raw egg laced through the whole shot.
We might rather drink eight of these than see what we believe we will see on Saturday, which is a Vol team resurrected from the bean bag set of mediocrity taking Georgia through each horrible step of the dismemberment plan. At least eight of these would have some protein, which we’d remember in terrible fashion as they came back up, unlike the ugly first half of this game, where we suspect Tennessee will come out throwing deep and often on Georgia on the way to a large first half lead.
As ugly as a 20-3 halftime lead could be, the second half could be worse. Hamstrung by a feeble offense, Georgia fans should already begin dreading the inevitable bamboo cane act that Richt will be forced to do with his quarterbacks, pulling them in and out as each fails to move the ball and help Georgia climb back into the game. Tennessee will load up on the run and wait for the pressure and hits to mount up and cause disaster in the second half. A good Georgia defense will simply run out of probable saves, and Tennessee will sit their fat front-butts directly on Georgia’s barstools and order whatever they like.
In some senses, it’ll be like watching that sex scene in Sideways between the mechanic and the waitress: it’ll be horrible, disturbing, and yet you won’t be able to look away for a few minutes.
Fat Mechanics who let Thomas Hayden Church Sodomize Their Wives 38, Georgia 13.
We could see Fulmer downing the spit bucket.
Superhastybonuspickforpac10ites: Oregon vs. California. California large because Oregon blew their karma allowance in a single game against Oklahoma. For those who prefer actual evidence, see Oregon’s courteous run defense (no, please sir, after you!) meeting Cal’s Forsett/Lynch run offense.
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