THEY'RE COMAAAHHHHNNGGG!!!

by Orson on Oct 3, 2006 10:01 AM EDT

ABC/Disney/ESPN/Cthulu Inc. demands be damned! The Artist Formerly Known as Gameday has loosed itself out of the obligation of flogging the ABC Saturday night game for at least one day as they travel to Gainesville for the Florida/LSU game. In what is becoming an annual post, we review improvements to college football's much-maligned, much-praised, and much-watched flagship preview show. (Besides, you know, more "Lee Corso Is A Penis" signs.)

Yeah. More of that, please.

1. Play up the Depot. Home Depot, who in case you don't know are the Home Depot official sponsors of Home Depot Gameday sponsored by Home Depot and would like to thank the official sponsors of this Home Depot pregame prayer, Home Depot.

Home Depot, when you turn 25, becomes a fascinating wonderland of consumer goods. Saws, drills, hammers, exotic bolts, light fixtures of dubious utility, irrigation piping that would make the Sahara bloom...it's a male spendthrift's nightmare and dreamworld all at once. Men needing only a tube of caulk and a whisk rake have left there bereft of thousands, wondering how in the world they were convinced of the need for a diamond-edged radial saw, two gallons of fifty-dollar "Jaipur Blue" Ralph Lauren house paint, and three gas-powered Honda generators.

Why Gameday hasn't worked power tools and building supplies into a kind of pep challenge is beyond us. Give two preselected teams from opposing unis three hours to build something school-oriented with Home Depot supplies, make them take sobriety tests and sign a boatload of waivers, and see what they make. We're half-joking here, but now that we've typed it, half-serious, too: this could be a hilarious reality show within reality show, so long as no one saws their arm off or starts huffing the spray paint midshow.

Whatever they do, it beats those dorky orange hats.

2. More meat! The fluff pieces are overdone and you can feel them coming a mile away in the program. They've actually done a better job of this over the past year--at least it feels like they have--but the swings around different regional games, the topical interviews, the odd bits of feature story they pile up...more of that, please, and less soft-focus stories of triumph like Matt Leinart's struggle with myopia, the official nadir of Gameday as we know it since it came via the same episode as Nick Lachey's interviews.

3. More local color. If Gameday is about the event, and not the medium, keep opening up the broadcast to the environment. We don't mean lettinig alums grill brats on the dais with the guys--although that might be cool, actually, if also a fire hazard--but more about campus stuff, since most university towns fit the description usually reserved for Madison, Wisconsin of being "70 square miles surrounded by reality." College students are poor, stressed, and looking for any excuse to behave oddly on camera. Allow them to within the restraints of FCC code, and they will do so to extremes. It's what makes the game unique, so use it at every stop.

More Jaworski-ism. Ron Jaworski endeared himself to everyone with half a brain on ESPN by becoming the Richard Attenborough of tape breakdown on Edge NFL Matchup. Watching him delineate the nuance and adjustment of playcalling strategy made your brain audibly pulse with new connections. It's a cerebral approach that sadly has not migrated across the schedule to other ESPN programs. The closest Gameday gets is taking Desmond Howard, putting him on an Astroturf field set up adjacent to the Gameday platform, and then doing something for three minutes.

We say three minutes, but that's a guess. When Howard's on screen, it's kind of like blacking out or having a stroke. We go somewhere else, but we're not sure: Aruba, perhaps, or maybe just a particularly serene corner of our brain where Satie plays while we sip chamomile tea on a giant toadstool. We're really not sure. When Howard stops talking, we snap back into place on our couch, wondering where the time went. It's a little like waking from a mini-seizure, or being used by Travis of the Cosmos as a talking tentacle puppet.

Not sure what happens when Desmond Howard starts talking...but it's nice.

Whatever happens, we're not listening. Put together some other, more compelling way of putting the Xs and Os of the game on display, or just don't do it at all.

Please do not prolong the withering career of Big and Rich another second.

The specialized lyrics may keep them on the ESPN payroll for another year, but the mayfly's life that is their career is done. We have lyrics for their final "special edition" song:

Well we're coming!
And we're shittaayyyyy!

If you wanna little (SPLASH! AIIGGHHHH!!! ROAAAARgggHHHH fip fip fip fip fip fip..aaiiighhn...)

That noise is a shipping container full of hungry, rabid wolverines being dropped on top of the C-list country duo just after being doused in chicken blood. If the budget doesn't allow for this, we'll understand. But after two years, it should be clear that no one wants any more ting in their ting tang, no matter how delightfully suggestive that may sound, since it would involve Big and Rich, whose appearance would serve as a powerful contraceptive to all but the most beer-soaked and undiscriminating brood mare.

We'd swing that wrecking ball toward the nearest firm surface with great velocity.

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Comments

Gators will be on the GameDay for two weeks in a row when the boys come to Auburn for the game and the Supper Club.
It’ll also be on ESPN Full Circle so you can see close-ups of the ice water that runs through the veins of Brandon Cox.
http://sports.espn.go.com/espntv/espnGuide
Go to October 14.

by AUAlum on Oct 3, 2006 10:14 AM EDT reply actions

Staggeringly on-target with everything. I’d rather have them open up the show with Jaws doing a rap about the intricacies of the spread option than hear Big & Rich play a single note, and I’m glad someone else recalls just how idiotic the OMG Matt Leinart Once Had To Wear Glasses blowjob piece was. (I presume OMG John David Booty Has A Southern Accent is the 2006 model.)

One more suggestion — as much as I love “Gameday,” do not ever take it within 100 miles of a game in which Georgia happens to be appearing, ever, because for some reason the show is like Kryptonite to the Dawgs. I can’t think of a single time that “Gameday” has gone to a Georgia game and the Dawgs didn’t end up completely crapping their pants in bizarre fashion.

by Doug on Oct 3, 2006 10:19 AM EDT reply actions

Orson, you are an inspired man my friend. Hilarious analysis but with some superb ideas. A college version of the Edge NFL Matchup might even get me to TiVo Gameday. And I’d copyright the Home Depot Challenge before it gets done. “It’s gold Jerry, pure gold.” I can see it now, schools start fielding Home Depot Challenge squads to compete against one another. Finally, an event that favors the Yellow Jackets.

by Notre Dan on Oct 3, 2006 10:21 AM EDT reply actions

If you wannnaa bang, bang, bang!
Then’l be cummin on yo’ tittayyyyyys

by Rashaan Salaam on Oct 3, 2006 10:22 AM EDT reply actions

Can we start a petition to bring back Bubba Sparxxxxxxx?

by AUAlum on Oct 3, 2006 10:30 AM EDT reply actions

I never thought I could miss Bubba Sparxx so much…

by Mack10zie on Oct 3, 2006 10:31 AM EDT reply actions

But it’s heavenly within those 70 miles of Madison. Beer, Brats. Always good tailgate times, and beautiful scenery.

by Rabid Badger on Oct 3, 2006 10:36 AM EDT reply actions

“Satie plays while we sip chamomile tea on a giant toadstool. "

Howard has a powerful siren song indeed.

getting sleepy…..must scratch tummy with 6th leg…eyes…droopy….

by tzubear on Oct 3, 2006 10:39 AM EDT reply actions

I nearly took my own life after watching the OU/UT Gameday recount the heroic efforts of Colt McCoy to save a man having an epileptic siezure and deciding I was truly worthless in comparison. My GOD! Do you realize: He SWAM ACROSS A POND then RAN UP THE DRIVEWAY to FLAG DOWN THE AMBULANCE!!! I burst into tears of joy and self loathing each of the 10,000 times they showed the man and his wife in the stands during the game. How can you say that is not “meat”?

by MattUFBSMBA on Oct 3, 2006 10:42 AM EDT reply actions