Florida and Alabama fans have a reputation for having a caustic dislike of each other. In fact,
nothing could be further from the truth. To demonstrate, Orson and Warren St. John, author of Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer and graduate of Columbia University, have decided to engage in and co-post a “dialog of mutual brotherly respect aimed at showing the Gator Nation, the Bama Nation and all you other suckers exactly how sportsmanlike these two esteemed fan bases really are. To wit:

Orson: First, we would like to extend a hand of friendship to the Alabama fanbase and welcome them to Gainesville this weekend, one of America’s best towns to live in and a paragon of civility, organization, and decency. We hope that you enjoy all of the amenities of our fair town:its streets, clean and free of the packs of rabid coyotes that control much of Tuscaloosa; itsbeautiful public gathering places, unusual because one can walk safely through them without being assaulted by rabid coyotes; and most of all, our beautiful campus, so coyote-free and pristine that the possibility of being assaulted by a rabid coyote while crossing its green lawns would provoke titters of laughter from its students. We welcome you, and remind you that the wearing of body armor to protect yourself against coyotes is so unnecessary it’s absurd to even consider it.


Not an issue, Bama fans! Leave the coyote spray at home.

Warren: Thanks Orson. We are delighted to be visiting your fair city and appreciate the warmthwith which you greet us. I think I speak for all Alabama fans when I say that of all the college campuses designed to look like corporate office parks, Florida’s is among the most beautiful.

Orson: You’re too kind, Warren. After the Alabama faithful secure lodging for their oxen and bury their dead after the long, arduous trek from Alabama, what can we look forward to seeing in this colorful, dedicated fanbase?

Warren: Well as you know Orson, Alabama has won 12 National Championships, and something like 947 S.E.C. championships, so we’re a humble bunch. Consequently, we don’t feel any
compulsion to make cheap jokes about jorts or to bring up [NAME REDACTED]. In fact we don’t even need to win to enjoy ourselves. We plan simply to sit back and enjoy those Gator cheerleaders and then to pat our hosts on the back to say ‘game well played,’ whatever the outcome.

Orson: Warren, you’re actually selling yourself short! Alabama in fact has 27 national championships by their count, including the Tider Insider.com 2002 National Title and 116
Tuscaloosa County Crowns. It’s a program with much more distinguished history than ours, to be sure. Bear Bryant…Wallace Wade…Dennis Franchione. THE Dennis Franchione–it would be futile to try to compete with that. You were mentioned in a Steely Dan song, for pete’s sake. That’s heritage.

Warren: Thanks for correcting me. Without a calculator handy, it can indeed be difficult to accurately tally Alabama’s many championships. Florida fans probably have no ideawhat that’s like, having only had a football program since the late 1980s.

I bet life is so much simpler when you can count your team’s national championships on one hand, even if that hand is a
lobster claw.

At any rate, Orson, I want to thank you for giving me a forum to express my respect for the Gators. And let me commend the sportsmanship of you and your fellow Florida fans. After all, what can be more sporting than letting the other guys win three times in a row!?

Orson: That is kind of us, isn’t it? It must be especially difficult to remember all those championships, indeed, especially since they were so long ago. WE must buy a calendar for you! We wish you the best in the game on Saturday.