Our promised guide to Gainesville for the Inquiring ‘Bama Fan is here thanks to consultant Boridicus, who actually wanted to be called “Boridicus Reptilicus the Frapplesaur,” a moniker that we just get tired of typing. We were rusty on the updated, sprawltastic Gainesville, which most people are since businesses open and die like flies there and the city’s forever widening roads, declaring odd ordinances, and generally pretending like it doesn’t need the University to exist. (”The battery plant will keep us alive!”)

Enjoy.

The statue of Albert Murphree on the Florida campus, who will have a football in his hand on Saturday.

I suppose we should begin our tour of Gainesville near the interstate. This is what most people see when they come into town, so it’s as good a starting place as any. I have to preface this tour guide with a warning about our little town’s infrastructure. As one of my friends put it, you’re never more than twenty minute from anything in Gainesville. (more…)

Paleologists from the University of Texas have discovered a new and important missing link in the history of human evolution, a new subspecies identified as “Alabama Man,” according to an announcement from the university released on Wednesday.

“Alabama Man represents an important link between the species we now call homo sapiens and our evolutionary past,” said Dr. Peter Wu, an anthropologist and practicing medical doctor spearheaded the discovery and analysis of Alabama Man’s remains.

Scientists were mum on details at a brief press conference in Austin on Wednesday afternoon. The paper has generated significant buzz in the scientific community, particularly among paleoanthropologists and archaeologists who are already taking a deep interest in what may be the first recorded and systematic attempts at what we call human culture.

Little is known about Alabama Man at this point, but scientists did have hypotheses to share about their new discovery.

–Alabama Man must have had a full command of the process of fermentation, a first for a subspecies of its type. “The bones of Alabama Man are in fact soaked with alcohol specifically carbon-typed as something very similar to what we would call whiskey. This and the remnants of bottles in the field site clued us into the unique alcoholic capabilities of the species,” said Doctor Wu, “a powerful theme we can already note in the bone chemistry. If any of them lived past fifty I’d be shocked.”

Alabama Man: an artist’s representation.

–Alabama Man’s bone analysis yielded another puzzling clue: abnormal bone thickness. Dr. Wu’s assistant Jane Singer commented that “this girth in the bones was likely indicative of obesity, a shocking discovery in prehistoric man given the dire circumstances of their daily lives.

–Singer went on to make what will likely be the most shocking proposal of the day. “We believe Alabama Man could have in fact been raised and bred for food by other human species. The thick bones on their otherwise normal frame would imply a rich and well marbled flesh, making the average Alabama Man too slow of foot to escape predators easily. No other explanation suffices in such a harsh and unforgiving environment.”

–Other clues support Singer’s theory. Alabama Man’s remains were surrounded by artifacts previously thought of as beyond the reach of Australopithecene man: the bottles of alcohol and evidence of intense and possibly fatal alcohol consumption, the remnants of lottery tickets, primitive cigarettes, dice made from deer bones, and fish hooks littered the site. “Like Peking Man, Alabama Man did not grasp the concept of throwing away garbage. When their cave filled up, they simply moved to a new one,” said Singer.

–In addition to the bribes given by other human species, Alabama Man seemed to have some concept of religion, too. “There was insistent worship of an old man, as indicated by intricate wall paintings. We believe they conflated the old man with the bear, a cosmology we’re still trying to grasp,” said cultural anthropologist Sue Givens. “They may have worshipped the bear for its power, and the old man for actually making it past fifty.”

Cave paintings of Alabama Man.

Science will publish the study on Monday. Dr. Wu and others stressed caution in taking the proposals of its study too far.

“We’re dealing with bones that may be up to a year old here. Our complete specimen appears to have died a violent death, perhaps at the hands of a Tiger, the only local species who seemed to have a predatory monopoly on them,” said Wu.

Someone’s written a song about the Orgeron. It’s brilliant. We love it. Please tell us who did it so we can name our first child after them…shortly before presenting the child as a ritual sacrifice to the Orgeron for our insolence. (Grande HT: Rajin’ Cajun Rebel.)

Again, here it is. Listen to it now.

Yoeeooeeohohoooohooo, hoooaaahhh, hooaah…football.

We got email requests to get this up before spouses, bosses, and other financial institutions discovered that you have indeed absconded with the rent/capital investment fund/donut money can had been stolen and applied to give you your supply of Vitamin G (for gamblin’!) With that, we bring you Solon’s picks for week 5, brought to you by the Marin County Library System, where their mission is excellent service.

Greetings all, my Marin library tour comes to you tonight from Belvedere-Tiburon, a community so ritzy that the library is about the only place I can afford to go on my modest salary. Perhaps if I can supplement my income with some winners this week, I’ll be able to afford a cookie at one of the local delicatessens.

Solon’s hoping to be a cookie monster with a big week five.

My midweek “special”–another push, amazingly my fifth of the season thus far–keeps me at 17-17 for the season; hopefully I will be able to build on my record with the rest of the games this week. Last year I was muddled around .500 for the first month or so before closing with a rush, let’s hope I can do the same this season.

One big plus this weekend is that, other than the Tuesday game, I have no midweek action. I’m torn regarding my Friday night–what should I watch? The Degrassi episode where Darcy goes bad, or plucky Rutgers trying to overcome the tricky South Florida O? I suspect the game will win out, but you never know.

Here are this week’s selections:

PENN STATE (-18) v. Northwestern

Northwestern appears to have gotten their O going. Unfortunately for them, playtime is over as they now stumble into the rough-and-tumble Big 10 portion of their schedule. The best D they have faced this season is either Nevada (which gave up 52 pts to Arizona State) or Miami (Ohio) (which gave up 34 pts to Syracuse); and against each the NW O managed 21 pts. Penn State’s D was helped by a rainstorm but their performance last week against the mighty Ohio State O was nevertheless strong; certainly they will have considerably less trouble with the NW O, no matter the conditions. The question for this game is the Penn State O; they struggled against Ohio State, but the OSU D is shaping up to be one of the better in the nation once again, and, given the conditions, I am willing to set aside the performance. Morrelli is not a great QB but he is serviceable, and he is better than any QB NW has faced thus far with the possible exception of Nevada QB Rowe, who averaged 9 ypp last week. The NW D has played well, but PSU has faced better Ds this season and they will appreciate having room to roam. I believe the OSU game has given PSU belief after the ND debacle and their D will give their O short fields to with which to work, and the increased offensive production will put them well ahead of this number.

Wisconsin (-10.5) v. INDIANA

There is a big concern here, that being that Indiana HC Hoeppner returns after surgery for a brain tumor; with the game at home, there is little doubt Indiana will be sky-high. (more…)

While the NC State athletic department attempts to disinfect several sections of the stadim and simulataneously decline the offer of R. Kelly to write “Wolfpack Mackin’”, a new theme for the team featuring a rap by MC Red Shoes…we bring you this morning’s edition of Blogtoberfest.

–Michigan hypermegamecha-tackle Alan Branch is the next Big Man Dance Challenge champion in training, according to Brian.

–Alabama players have gently suggested that Mike Shula should pass more. Or perhaps we can just say to hell with the gently bit:

“We can throw it on anybody if we want to,” receiver Keith Brown said. “Make the play call.”

At this point Joe Kines broke up the interview and alpha-rolled receiver Brown while Shula returned to a demanding game of World Of Warcraft, where his guild is both unstoppable and merciless.

–Coach Dennis Franchione and the Aggies are getting motivated for their upcoming first game against a real, live, non-quadraplegic opponent, Texas Tech. See, they do this activity to build trust where everyone lines up and falls into the outstretched arms of their co-workers. Then they visit a prison for motivation. Then they wear buttons that say “winner” or something like that. Then they all do a Polynesian dance.

Then they lose by thirty to Texas Tech.

–Gay tailgating. We bet the food and drink rock, though the continuous thumping disco does get a bit repetitive.

–Will Collier of In The Bleachers makes “ha ha funny old man look like corpse” jokes about Lou Holtz. We still laughed.

–Nestor has his predictably measured response to UCLA losing last weekend to Washington. Shockingly, his plan involves a coach getting fired.

***Late addition, but a necessary one: Peter runs down the whole dang ol’ Big 12 in every way imaginable this week. And he’s got an intern? Dude, you’ve got to hit that shit. Interns are eeeaaaaasy pickins’–it’s like, you know, he who holds the key to the supply closet gets the tail, right? Wait–it’s a dude? You hired a male intern? Well, you know, maybe you’re experimenting. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. We’ve seen Kinsey; sexuality is a spectrum, after all…***