JOHN L. SMITH FAILS TO FINISH SANDWICH, PUZZLE

by Orson on Sep 26, 2006 11:38 AM EDT

EAST LANSING, MI--Michigan State Coach John L. Smith was unable to finish a pastrami on rye sandwich at Side Streets Deli today, citing the overly generous portions of lunchmeat on the sandwich and the "really thick bread" it was served on.

"It was just too much for me," said Smith, packing the remaining half of the sandwich into wax paper sheepishly. "All that meat and bread. I felt pretty confident going into the second piece, but one bite and I was finished. They really pile on the meat at that place, I tell you."

John L. Smith, habitual sandwich surrrenderer.

Smith's inability to finish the second half of a sandwich did not surprise deli manager Spiro Kandalakos. He says he's watched the Michigan State coach come in for years, and that his failure to conquer the pastrami and rye represents classic John L. Smith performance.

"Every day that man walks in here, I tell him 'You know, we do half a sandwich and soup for $5.99," but he just won't listen," says the burly deli manager. "He goes right over there, reads about half of the paper, and eats the first half of the thing like he's Kobayashi or something."

"Then he just loses interest, puts it in the bag, and walks out."

Smith stared at the sandwich. "It's just...so bready, you know? That's bad for your digestion, anyway. Yeah."

Smith's frustrating day continued when he returned to the office to watch tape and call recruits, common routine for Smith on Tuesdays. Smith began to watch gametape on Illinois, but then suddenly lost interest when the third quarter tape of their loss to Iowa began.

"I don't know, maybe it was the lights, the sound...something just broke my concentration, I guess," said Smith, glumly holding his hand in his hands at his desk. He fiddled with a half-completed jigsaw puzzle as he spoke; exactly half of the visage of a kitten stared back up at him from the desk. "I just couldn't focus. Illinois just kept running the same plays, and Iowa kept stopping them, so I figured I'd get up and do something else."

Smith then walked outside, a Sudoku puzzle book in his hand. Smith, an avowed Sudoku fan, took a seat on the bleachers with pen in hand, the autumn sunshine warming his body.

"I was feeling pretty good, actually. The numbers were clicking, the sun was out, I was really getting my focus back. Thought about calling some recruits, maybe drawing up a few plays...you know, really getting back to being what John L. Smith is all about: finishing the drill."

But then, about halfway through the puzzle, Smith put the book down, stunned by the complexity of the scheme.

"Those damned Japanese are some crafty, crafty people, I tell ya. I just can't get this block right here...." he said, his voice trailing off.

Spartan assistant trainer Melvin Hodgson said the Sudoku collapse was pure John L. Smith.

"That man hasn't finished a damn one of those things yet. He just rips right into it, like he's some kind of...you know, Sudoku genius. Then this fog just rolls in--you can see it on his face--and the man just drops it halfway through. I go in and finish them later so he can look back and pretend he did 'em. I get absolutely no credit around here."

The Sudoku setback, though failed to Smith put the book away, announcing that he planned on "going to the gym to run a half mile, do somewhere between one and three sets of bench press, and maybe finish that sandwich if I can."

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Comments

You forgot to mention the lack of discipline he showed by getting honey mustard and mayo all over his fingers. He also didn’t clean up his mess as he left. He did mention that he had plan to jump out of an airplane or run with bulls or something like that.

by brain on Sep 26, 2006 11:46 AM EDT reply actions

Who would you want to coach your team Amato, LLLLLLL Smith, or Gary Barnett? And ritualistic suicide is not an option.

by Rome on Sep 26, 2006 11:47 AM EDT reply actions

you must listen to this one guys..its worth the wait. about 8 mins in..

http://www.yourfilelink.com/get.php?fid=179210

by scal on Sep 26, 2006 11:47 AM EDT reply actions

He couldn’t even keep the secret that he was leaving for Michigan State. Half way (ironic enough) through the bowl game, his players were getting cell phone calls ON THE SIDELINE by people saying coach Smith was gone.

by Cool Hand Mike on Sep 26, 2006 11:50 AM EDT reply actions

Oh my God. I just got in trouble in class because i could not control the laughter. Thank you, Orson, for bringing joy into a Notre Dame fan’s life.

by Mike on Sep 26, 2006 11:52 AM EDT reply actions

ah… ahem…. what happened to the [name also redacted] thing for Coach S_____ ? Just wondering

by Futbawl Fan on Sep 26, 2006 11:54 AM EDT reply actions

Mark Richt’s philosophy at Georgia: Finish the drill.

John L. Smith’s philosphy at Mich State: Finish getting drilled.

by Doug on Sep 26, 2006 11:54 AM EDT reply actions

I thought his name was now [NAME ALSO REDACTED].

by Tom on Sep 26, 2006 11:58 AM EDT reply actions

The journalist who put this piece together insisted on proper use of the coach’s name.

For our purposes, [NAME ALSO REDACTED] will continue to be referred to by the name {NAME ALSO REDACTED.]

by Orson Swindle on Sep 26, 2006 12:00 PM EDT reply actions

Careful, Orson; you’re getting dangerously close to lack of editorial control. Just ask irishoutsider what happens when the inmates run the asylum. Last I heard they’re still finding some of Bloo’s boobytraps.

by NDTom on Sep 26, 2006 12:16 PM EDT reply actions

Smith, an avowed Sudoku fan, took a seat on the bleachers with pen in hand, the autumn sunshine warming his body.

Somehow, this seems crueler than Brian’s hatchet job on Matt Hayes. My hat is off, sir.

by Phil K. on Sep 26, 2006 12:30 PM EDT reply actions

scal, that’s amazing. Best thing I’ve heard on sports radio in a long time.

by Jackwraith on Sep 26, 2006 12:47 PM EDT reply actions

As always, I applaud you, Orson. After reading that, I feel that I can truly understand and sympathize with [Name Also Redacted]. I always used to assume that he was just the worst second-half coach in the game, but now I realize that for the poor fellow, the problem goes much deeper.

by Jeff from LA on Sep 26, 2006 1:08 PM EDT reply actions

Wow.. I can’t believe that guy is on sports radio. He should be fired for just being an idiot…

by Jeremy on Sep 26, 2006 1:09 PM EDT reply actions

I am guessing “Name Also Redacted”’s wife is one frustrated woman, if you know what I mean.

by Stacy Keibler Loves Me on Sep 26, 2006 1:14 PM EDT reply actions

Why not?

John L [SECOND HALF OF NAME REDACTED]

by Canuck on Sep 26, 2006 1:26 PM EDT reply actions

Yeah. John L. Smith — all foreplay, no finish.

by Newspaper Hack on Sep 26, 2006 1:34 PM EDT reply actions

Maybe Johnelle couldn’t finish the sandwich because of the pint of Irish Stout he had with it.

by Jeff on Sep 26, 2006 2:11 PM EDT reply actions

You forgot to mention that he was going to go for a run later but then he thought he’d just kneel down for no reason instead.

by Faboo on Sep 26, 2006 2:32 PM EDT reply actions

“You had them by the throat, but instead of cutting deep and watching the blood spurt everywhere, you let them get to halftime so fatboy could feed them pudding!”

Yes, indeed. Magical football pudding. mmmm….

by crazy tom on Sep 26, 2006 2:43 PM EDT reply actions