ALABAMA IS A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE PLACE: ALABAMA MAAAAAN!
In case you didn't know, this week's opponent is the football team from the University of Alabama. Before anything further is said, it must be remembered that this team gave Florida its worst loss of 2005 when a completely and totally unprepared Florida stepped over the piles of obese, uninsured, tank top-wearing corpses and into Bryant-Denny Stadium, where Demeco Ryans proceeded to have his unnatural way with Chris Leak for four quarters of football. We mention this to beat the tired but unfortunately true retort which will accompany any and all mentions of the game this week, which will sound something like "WOOO!! 31-3 Roll Tide YEAAAHHHH!!!!," usually submitted by someone with an email address ending in "aol.com."
That said, for this week the target will be Alabama, a horrible place filled with deplorable people doing despicable, lazy things. In that vein, we begin the week of taunting with something we will post every day at 5:30ish until Friday: the ad for "Alabama Man," the worst action figure you will ever own.
He can bowl! He can drink! He can drink some more! Alabama MAAAAYUUN!
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is it not enough that the man calling our plays has the IQ of a clump of dirt…yet, you still have to make fun
by matt on Sep 25, 2006 5:47 PM EDT reply actions
As a native Alabamian, Swindle, I resemble that remark.
I am heading to gainesville on friday and hope to meet the edsbs gang this weekend so that i may thrash thee with my trusty houndstooth-painted bowling ball.
by EZ on Sep 25, 2006 5:53 PM EDT reply actions
So you’re saying that this isn’t supposed to be a flattering comparison?
http://houserockbuilt.blogspot.com/2006/09/o-canadabama.html
by Phil K. on Sep 25, 2006 5:58 PM EDT reply actions
You’re welcome to join the EDSBS tailgate, where we’ll be thrashing ourselves with a mallet made of vodka and tonic.
by Orson Swindle on Sep 25, 2006 5:59 PM EDT reply actions
You know, Orson, I was just wondering when something was going to be said about the game. You never let me down.
We are heading to Gainesville this weekend. Looking for a good place to go Friday night. Suggestions?
by Tater Salad on Sep 25, 2006 5:59 PM EDT reply actions
We’ll have our guide up to Gainesville by Wednesday.
by Orson Swindle on Sep 25, 2006 6:04 PM EDT reply actions
That’s the east side if I’ve ever seen it.
Tuscaloosa is all about khaki Dockers, buttoned up shirts and the look of wiping your nose with a powdered donut.
Roll Tide!
by Cool Hand Mike on Sep 25, 2006 6:16 PM EDT reply actions
As a native Alabamian, you would “resemble” that remark.
Anyway, it’s good to see some friendly trash talk for the game. Orson ought to get some revenge for all the “31-3” comments and Bama-AU threadjacks. I’m looking forward to watching, although it sucks that Prothro’s out.
by j.j. on Sep 25, 2006 6:18 PM EDT reply actions
"We really want to get into Florida and skin their gators," Alabama quarterback John Parker Wilson said. "Make some boots in the cobblery. Steel toed with a little crimson color, smooth hide and mayonnaise."
Don’t forget the mayo.
by Newspaper Hack on Sep 25, 2006 6:20 PM EDT reply actions
To add a bit of talk from the Bama side, Florida fans will see the real reason Tebow chose them, when John Parker Wilson’s throws all over the Gator Secondary and everybody realizes that he won’t lose his starting job until the fall of 2009. That and Alabama’s offense suceeds despite the Shula/Rader coaching combo, but I digress. RTR!
by doubtingthomas on Sep 25, 2006 6:30 PM EDT reply actions
HHHüürrRRRRRRRRn hhhh! HHHurrRRRRR RRRn hhhh.HHHüürrRRRRRRRRn hhhh! HHHurrRRRRR RRRn hhhh.UüüHHHGGG-rrrrRRR! huurrrrrr! uhhn. HHHurrRRRRR RRRn hhhh.UüüHHHGGG-rrrrRRR! huurrrrrr! uhhn.
by Chewbacca on Sep 25, 2006 6:40 PM EDT reply actions
WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! ROLL TIDE ROLL!!!!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!! 31-3!!!!!!!! BEAR BRYANTS GONNA WHIP THAT GATOR ASS LIKE I WHIP YO MOMMA!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! GATORS WEAR JEAN SHORTS!!!! BITCHES!!!!!!
by Roll Tide 1896!!! on Sep 25, 2006 6:59 PM EDT reply actions
3 essentials of a UF fan’s game ensemble:
1. Jorts (any style or brand will do)
2. Hair gel… and lots of it…
3. Gold Chain… although the Bama Nation can’t say much w/ MC Mike Shula killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom…
The Tide Nation looks forward to invading Gainesville, where we will steal all of your women who are wooed by our home-made tank tops and incredible farmers tan… RTR
by Brasky's Beotch on Sep 25, 2006 6:59 PM EDT reply actions
I’m torn by this post; do I defend my native soil or join in with the Gators to mock my great enemy?
by AUAlum on Sep 25, 2006 7:13 PM EDT reply actions
where will the tailgate be occuring. i’ll be finishing my LSAT around 1:00, so i’m planning on getting my v & t on right after.
by adam on Sep 25, 2006 7:17 PM EDT reply actions
20-10 gators. Florida scores first and the lead stays just large enough to keep it from being a good game. Shula will never be dominated or dominant. It’s only fitting that hes catholic because I swear our program is in football purgatory right now.
by Kecalf Bailey on Sep 25, 2006 7:46 PM EDT reply actions
#12. Tim Tebow would bitchslap John Parker Wilson so hard he’d think about dropping the queer three name thing and go John Wilson from there on out. You can only go by three names if the middle one is Oquendo.
by Ltrain on Sep 25, 2006 7:49 PM EDT reply actions
it’s times like this i’m glad i had the forsight to flunk out of bama my sophmore year.
by kleph on Sep 25, 2006 8:05 PM EDT reply actions
#22
Well met, and touche’. The 3 name business is silly. But I’d wait until golden boy completes 3 passes before singing his praises. Besides, JP’s little brother Ross already bested him last year.
by doubtingthomas on Sep 25, 2006 8:16 PM EDT reply actions
As a brief teaser to Orson’s ‘Gainesville Guide’, allow me to suggest the Salty Dog Saloon. Surly service, underage coeds, cheap beer and whisky, and a fine (read ‘smoke-filled’) atmosphere all contribute to a delightful experience on Friday’s and Saturday’s. I’m there every Friday afternoon, you glorious bastards.
by History_Ant on Sep 25, 2006 8:16 PM EDT reply actions
Orson, as a former resident of Columbus, GA I enjoy all slights against the greasy cesspool that is Alabama. But aren’t you from Tennessee? Isn’t this whole post really like a Korean women making fun of how a Vietnemese woman drives?
by JacketDan on Sep 25, 2006 8:18 PM EDT reply actions
2? damn. this is a shitty week. i had to ride my bike back home in the rain after work, i have to study for the LSAT (using the Kaplan Method, to boot), and i have to spend the night in gainesville on a friday, but not go out, so that i can be fresh for my stupid test.
i’m getting tore up before the game.
by adam on Sep 25, 2006 8:20 PM EDT reply actions
Nah, you can never move in the Dog- head to Balls, tell Rock I said what’s up.
by italiangator on Sep 25, 2006 8:25 PM EDT reply actions
adam, studying for the LSAT is overrated. I winged it and here I am, at UF Law ignoring my Estates and Trusts homework in order to read EDSBS, dream of saturday, and watch Green Day turn into old men before my very eyes on ESPN
by Lono on Sep 25, 2006 8:28 PM EDT reply actions
Balls always wrecks me out no matter what I drink – the result is still a massive, pain-addled morning and afternoon that cannot be controlled by bloody mary’s, fried chicken, or advil.
Though I do love the Italian Gator by the slice folks next door.
by History_Ant on Sep 25, 2006 8:30 PM EDT reply actions
And Columbus, Ga. isn’t a cesspool? That’s not to say that I don’t agree, but without Atlanta, Georgia’s just a speed bump from Birmingham to Columbia.
Then again, without Birmingham, Alabama’s Mississippi without the casinos.
And I plan on writing a story on the EDSBS tailgate and try to sell it to the AJC or the G’ville Sun, so Orson — give me the heads up and I’ll get your jort-filled tailgate in print.
by Newspaper Hack on Sep 25, 2006 8:33 PM EDT reply actions
Mmmm, thanks for reminding me of one of my name’s connotations History-Ant.
by italiangator on Sep 25, 2006 8:35 PM EDT reply actions
you’re probably right. i took that damn kaplan class, and i’ve been doing really well. so i’m sure it’s not going to be awful. but i’d feel really guilty if i didn’t do well, and then thought that i should have paid more attention. i’m especially worried since i’m terrible in the mornings. they really should offer it in the afternoon for people who aren’t morning people.
by adam on Sep 25, 2006 8:35 PM EDT reply actions
There’s already an extant section in the Gville Sun that highlights outrageous or family-oriented tailgates – they have some serious issues regarding the exact point of the entire section. However, that might provide a forum for your efforts, Hack.
by History_Ant on Sep 25, 2006 8:36 PM EDT reply actions
And, thankfully, I’ve never seen any of this in Tuscaloosa.
by Newspaper Hack on Sep 25, 2006 8:36 PM EDT reply actions
Adam—-you can always take the LSAT again in November…but alas, once you finish the test there are a few things you should know—-you’ll have to sit there for a bit after you’ve turned the test in. I recommend flasking during that time. That’s what I did and I scored 176. Of course I missed the first half of the 2004 GT-Miami Game in which Miami handed it to us 27-3.
by Sherlock's sidekick on Sep 25, 2006 8:38 PM EDT reply actions
I also flasked after the test was over, but alas, it only netted me a 161 =*(
My only real LSAT advice is to sign up on time. I signed up late, I had to take mine in Jacksonville, and sleep on a couch the night before.
by Lono on Sep 25, 2006 8:43 PM EDT reply actions
adam,
I took my lsat on the day of the Bama-Florida game last year. Took it in Birmingham instead of Tuscaloosa because I knew staying there would not work out. Seriously considered getting a Rabbi to write the lsat people a letter because if you’re Jewish you can take it on Thursday. I’m not Jewish, though.
Don’t worry, I made it back for the second half (after the stadium quieted down a little). Sorry, dude, there’s nothing positive that can come out of this.
by Cardiac Kids on Sep 25, 2006 9:28 PM EDT reply actions
Italian — Yes, Rock is awesome… but clearly the coolest brother in that family is Russ. I mean, any man who brings his 9 year old to work and occasionally lets her work as bouncer is a badass. Bill’s alright, too.
by GatorAM on Sep 25, 2006 9:31 PM EDT reply actions
Florida fans making fun of Alabama fans? Just get together and be one big laughing stock of the USA and fuck your cousins while bedazzling the shit out of your jorts.
by Ray Ray on Sep 25, 2006 9:53 PM EDT reply actions
I tell you what, Balls isn’t a place you want to be hanging around when you’re 19, let alone 9, but that girl’s pretty damn smart, so she should be ok- at worst she can take the place over when they all get thrown in the pokey (of which, Rock’s mugshot on the Fla DOC site is awesome)
by italiangator on Sep 25, 2006 9:54 PM EDT reply actions
That’s a poor depiction of how an Alabama man bowls. He would first have to pause, turn around, and go confer with his buddies about how The Bear would pick up the spare on a nasty split.
Go Cocks, btw.
by Preacher Steve on Sep 25, 2006 10:15 PM EDT reply actions
“And Columbus, Ga. isn’t a cesspool?”
Who am I argue? There’s a reason why the town’s motto is “Thank God For Phenix City.”
by JacketDan on Sep 25, 2006 10:32 PM EDT reply actions
Well, Alabama man is somewhat accurate. They should do a Florida man: a Cuban, gay, child molesting serial killer who works at Disney World. And wears jean shorts.
by David on Sep 25, 2006 10:41 PM EDT reply actions
Way too harsh, David and untrue. Not all are Cuban.
by BamaCPA on Sep 25, 2006 11:49 PM EDT reply actions
Wow, gratuitous slams against my current (Alabama) AND former (Columbus, Ga.) places of residence in one comments thread. If someone would just get on here and shame Atlanta, Athens, and Lynchburg (Va.), you’d have my entire life past age 13 taken care of.
But I’m sorry, north Florida calling anyone else “rednecks” is a joke. Panama City? Lake City? Chipley, where you at? A trailer within walking distance of the beach is still a trailer.
by Doug on Sep 26, 2006 12:04 AM EDT reply actions
To this Midwesterner, Florida looks like a combination of Lower Alabama, Disney World, South Jersey, and Havana Norte.
by Tom on Sep 26, 2006 12:39 AM EDT reply actions
That must appeal to midwesterners, because they are invading like locusts.
by Joe Gator on Sep 26, 2006 12:58 AM EDT reply actions
The gag on Loveline isn’t called “Germany or Florida?” for nothing.
by Phil K. on Sep 26, 2006 1:06 AM EDT reply actions
Salty Dog is the best of the bars on University, although that wouldn’t be saying a whole lot. The beer selection is better – that is to say there’s more that just Natty and Miller – and the jukebox actually plays some decent music.
That being said, every damn bar out there is the same: Dirty, run down, hot, waaaaayyyyy overcrowded, and filled with people who are too young to actually drink. Not that there’s a problem with drunk teenaged girls or anything. Balls just might be the seediest of the bars though, which I happen to enjoy.
As for comment number 49, I would say that Florida has a little San Francisco in it too, at least if you head down to Key West.
by Yant on Sep 26, 2006 2:03 AM EDT reply actions
I’ll be there looking for the EDSBS tailgate as well.
It would be nice to drunken myself before the year long slaughter fiesta must come to an end.
Are there even any hotels in Gainesville?
I need a room for Friday night but can not find any.
by CHARLIE MURPHEY on Sep 26, 2006 7:10 AM EDT reply actions
Adam, this is why you take the LSAT in June. I did and got a 183. 183? Yep, bonus points bitches.
Was there a final ruling on the Marcus Thomas suspension?
by AUAlum on Sep 26, 2006 7:50 AM EDT reply actions
We do not have anyone we can put in the shotgun for a designed run on 4th down and 4 and guarantee a first down. We just don’t.
Thing is, I don’t think we would if we could.
That’s in-no-va-tive, man.
Please ask your people to be quiet when our kicker is on the field. A lot of people yelling at him all at once makes him nervous.
Thanks.
by Boclive on Sep 26, 2006 8:01 AM EDT reply actions
Charlie Murphey, hotel rooms in Gainesville sell out about 6 months in advance for football games- you can try Ocala or Lake City, but those might be just as booked- or you can try the Bambi Motel, sometimes they have rooms open up a little early.
by italiangator on Sep 26, 2006 8:40 AM EDT reply actions
I can’t argue with Alabama mayuunn, but in all fairness, I’ve seen more “domestic disputes” in Florida on COPS than any other state. Florida has the market cornered on white trash.
by Pandemonium Reigns on Sep 26, 2006 9:06 AM EDT reply actions
There seems to be a disturbing number of attorneys/law students who read this blog. I hope all of you are billing someone while you are reading EDSBS.
Orson, you need to do something to upgrade your readership.
by baconboy on Sep 26, 2006 9:25 AM EDT reply actions
well, baconboy, i’m sure you’ll feel better about the fact that i’m currently not in law school. i will be this time next year, but not now. currently, i’m at work. i work for the state of florida. so, yes, i am messing around on the internet on your dollar. your tax dollars at work.
by adam on Sep 26, 2006 9:44 AM EDT reply actions
[….EDSBS has thrown down the smack gauntlet…]
by irishjihad on Sep 26, 2006 11:20 AM EDT reply actions
by Bellefay on Sep 26, 2006 11:26 AM EDT reply actions
#20, it’s actually that Michigan is the South of the North. I took a geography class from this professor who had built his career on state based demographics. Every map looked the same… domestic violence, gun violence, alcohol abuse… they were all concentrated in the confederate states, Northern California, and Michigan. Every time. Exactly the same.
The only map that looked different was the one showing Elvis lovers. It looked like a divers flag with the white strip running from LA to NYC representing people who hated him, and the red panels representing people who loved him.
by RedTide on Sep 26, 2006 11:28 AM EDT reply actions
I was disappointed when I read Wisconsin was No. 1 in beer consumption. But at least in Michigan we have better beer.
by Dave on Sep 26, 2006 1:03 PM EDT reply actions
Let’s face it, if it weren’t for Mississippi, Alabama would be dead last in the state rankings in every important economic, social, and educational demographic. Florida definitely hovers around the bottom 1/3, but I attribute some of that to being the catchall/drain of the U.S. As I was raised in the fine metropolis that is Lake City (#48 — Doug, I’m with you), I have witnessed more than my share of poor white trash. That also means I know what the hell I was looking at driving to and from Tuscaloosa last year, but alas, this blog is about football.
Florida will win this game reducing the Tide to battle it out in the SEC West cellar with Booming Croom and The Orgeron. We might even get to see Reggie “The Human Missile” Nelson decapitate DJ Hall.
by Verdigo on Sep 26, 2006 1:44 PM EDT reply actions
All generalizations are false.
Detroit has the highest murder rate, Mississipi is last in everything. What do they have in common?
Everyone seems to study demographics while ignoring the demographics.
by jaybuzz on Sep 26, 2006 2:24 PM EDT reply actions
and that’s why you go to a secular private school.
by adam on Sep 26, 2006 2:58 PM EDT reply actions
I have a room………Thanks for the help.
Alabama is a nice place… sure it has some people who a not exactly up to the jeanshort standards but it a pleasant place.
I live in a county that is the crystal meth capital of the World(not bragging) and it is not in Alabama.
Can you guess what state it is in?
by CHARLIE Murphy on Sep 26, 2006 6:50 PM EDT reply actions
NO it is Lakeland Florida…………No wonder they have the best high School Football team in the nation.
All there players have steady jobs.
Street pharmicist.
by CHARLIE MURPHEY on Sep 27, 2006 7:43 AM EDT reply actions

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