FOOTBALLPOCALYPSE BEGINS. PRAY.

The Gators are going to grind up the Vols into chili and Fulmer is going to eat all of it.

Nebraska’s going to make USC eat Reggie Bush’s parents, and Pete Carroll won’t mind so much.

may your thoughts often stray to women in the springtime of their lives prancing through fields of corn….corn…..corn…..

Orson, surely you realize that rooting for a winner in the Tennessee vs. Florida game is akin to rooting for a winner in the Bin Laden vs. Saudi Arabia matchup? One the one side we have Bin Laden and Rockytop, in-bred, smelly, messianic-complex-having devotees of bestiality. On the other hand, we have Saudi Arabia and the Spawn of Spurrier, oddly effiminate but shockingly thugish xenophobic mongoloids who are equally comfortable slitting your throat or sucking your choad. Seems to me that this is less an apocalypse than God laughing as the forces of Sodom bugger eachother into oblivion.

No Phil, don’t do that to the carrot, he’ll like that!

Jarvis,

As an SC fan who hates you, that was f’ing funny. I think Garrett and Sample should break the wishbone.

I’ve never felt quite this sense of peace at knowing, with all the apocolyptic battles going on tomorrow, I can sit by and float on a cloud of the sub-conscious while all you other guys rain fire and brimstone on each other. I think I’ll even pull for Vandy in the morning so the day can start by freaking everybody out.

Percy Harvin is my father.

Well RedTide, if your cheers for Vandy come to fruition, I’d say it’s officially the beginning of the end for Coach Nutt. Lose to Vandy WITH Jay Cutler and its moderately acceptable, follow that up with another loss to Vandy sans Cutler and there is a former Razorback in the state by name of Butch Davis who’d like to interview for a job…

Dear recently departed [name];

You know I loved you dearly, and your battle against [horrible disease] was a long and difficult one, but if you had wanted me to show up at your funeral you wouldn’t have put it up agaist the footballpocalypse.

Do Charlie Weis’ tears taste vaguely ranch flavored? I bet his entire lymphatic system is based on dipping sauces.

Dear Jesus:

Stop punishing Syracuse for its football sins. Blessing the Orange with a win would be most compassionate, and, quite frankly, would surely help your reputation more than this 372-day streak of smoting.

Thank you.

P.S.: Floridians would also enjoy watching Zook get blasted by the worst team to wear football pads in about a decade. So, if you can’t do it for Orange Nation, do it for Stranko and Orson and Company.

I’m not a religious man, far from it, however on this day let us peruse the Good Book and receive enlightenment. Hopefully the big man (not fat Phil), will listen and accomodate….

A reading from Samuel:

(please kneel)

SAMUEL 22
22:8 Then the earth did shake and quake, the foundations of heaven did tremble; they were shaken, because He was wroth.

22:9 Smoke arose up in His nostrils, and fire out of His mouth did devour; coals flamed forth from Him.

22:10 He bowed the heavens also, and came down; and thick darkness was under His feet.

22:20 He brought me forth also into a large place; He delivered me, because He delighted in me.

22:21 the Lord rewarded me according to my righteousness; according to the cleanness of my hands hath He recompensed me.

22:38 I have pursued mine enemies, and destroyed them; neither did I turn back till they were consumed.

22:39 And I have consumed them, and smitten them through, that they cannot arise; yea, they are fallen under my feet.

22:40 For Thou hast girded me with strength unto the battle; Thou hast subdued under me those that rose up against me.

22:41 Thou hast also made mine enemies turn their backs unto me; yea, them that hate me, that I might cut them off.

22:42 They looked, but there was none to save; even unto the Lord, but He answered them not.

22:43 Then did I beat them small as the dust of the earth, I did stamp them as the mire of the streets, and did tread them down.

Amen…..Go Gators.

The football apocalypse begins with Rice beating Texas, and end with Cincy beating tOSU.

(I understand that this won’t happen since both will be blowouts, but even a nice scare for one/both underdogs would be a treat.)

I’m taking those speed pills of yours, and I’m wearing the vibrating heat beads, and by “Riding your Snake”, not only have I lost 65 pounds in four days, but guess what? I found out I’m the Devil! And I will wash over the Earth, and the seas will run red with all the blood of all its sinners! I am reborn! And I’ve got YOU to thank, Jimmy Tango!

May the turnover margin and sound special teams be with you…

As an SEC fan, I don’t watch ESPN Gameday for the same reason that, as an American, I don’t watch Al Jazeera.

Mike Gottfried has Florida State at #2 in his personal top 10. I’ve been trying to come up with jokes about this for the past 30 minutes, but none of them is funnier than the fact that Mike Gottfried has Florida State at #2.

Someone needs to release a star studded “Do They Know It’s Football?” for the clueless people of Los Angeles. Where’s Bono when you need him?

Probably grandstanding about starving kids in Africa again. Priorities, man.

GOD DAMN IT! There. I got it off my chest. I should be used to it by now, seeing how ISU has caused me much more heartbreak in the past few years than this.

I’m not even nearly as pissed off about the game as I am at the WWL’s telecast. Pam Ward, shut the fuck up and stop talking about corn and the beautiful state of Iowa. It’s phony; we’re not all farmers here, bitch. And just because Bret Meyer’s black doesn’t mean he’s the most dangerous running quarterback in the country. Aside from her I-obviously-consider-all-Iowans-hicks attitude, she wasn’t that bad. Mike Gottfried was far worse. Mike, you sounded drunk as shit in the booth. I can’t recall a worse performance by an analyst than yours today. And Jimmy Dykes, you are the scum of the earth. Klinkenborg’s father died this week, and it’s obviously an emotional time for him. He’s crying after the game, and you have the nerve to ask him how he feels. Fuck you, man. Seriously, fuck you, you scavenger of human misery.

God I’m glad that’s over.

Oh well, good 2nd half by Tate and crew. The Hawks couldn’t run the ball, so they called a bunch of screens, swings, and short passes that controlled the clock and moved the ball on ISU’s underrated young defense.

Good thinking Miami! Stomp on the logo before the game, lose badly. FireLarryCoker.com in 3…2…1…

Tim Brando just uttered the words “There are no Darth Vaders in college football”. Somewhere hundreds of miles away, Orgeron cocks his head, blindingly angry and smelling blood in his nostrils but not knowing why.

Today was billed as “Separation Saturday.” After the performance of every team I was pulling for this weekend, I can only say this. Welcome to “Shit the Bed Saturday.” My fury matched only by my disappointment in life.

I shall drink heavily tonight.

FSU loses. UF wins in a quiet Neyland.
How ’bout them apples, smokey hound whores?
Tastes delicious, indeed.

22 – But at least there were some exciting finishes (even if some of that excitement was generated by the refs) – really, given the way the season had gone so far, having only two-and-a-half blowouts in the big seven (or eight) is a pretty decent ratio. And while I feel for you, it was a pretty good day for me – not only did the Gators win, but FSU, Miami, ND, Nebraska and LSU all lost. (Of all those teams LSU is the only one I don’t dislike as such, but we do have to play them every damned year.)

Oh dear – I was trying to console 23; 22 obviously has no worries with the world, not when there’s Orgeron jibes to be made. (Isn’t Orgeron more a Jabba than a Vader, though? Spurrier used to be a Vader – he would have Force-choked more than one quarterback in the old days.)

Georgia Tech put up 500 yards of total offense.

In other news, Satan just ordered 20,000 sets of skates for his minions. It seems there’s a bit of a cold snap down there.

Wiretapped Cell Talk:

LC: (whispers) Hey, uh, is this Chuck Tomato? Coach of that there Wolf football team?
CA: Yeah, and Its Amato, A-M- … (to someone else) honey, hey how do you spell Amato again? (back) yeah, A-M-A-T-O.
LC: Right, Amato, whatever. Listen, can you do me a big favor there big guy, hows the wife by the way?
CA: Wha … who is this?
LC: Uh, can you keep a secret?
CA: well maybe.
LC: Its Larry Coker, Coach of the University of Miami football team.
CA: Ha! Larry Coker, well I’ll be … you got roughed up today.
LC: Shut the f*** up swampmonkey, you just got spanked by a division 1-AA school.
CA: Now wait a minute, Southern Miss is Div 1A. And they admit non-qualifiers. So kiss my a**.
LC: Aw now settle down Chuck. Im calling you to make you an offer. I want you to cancel one of the games on your schedule and fit us in, say Nov. 4? It would really help us out. I’ll tell the press youre one heckofa coach.
CA: Huh, let me check …. well we play Georgia Tech …
LC: yeah we know, listen I’ll give ya Coach Bowden’s new cell number and $100. We will even play at your stadium
CA: Bobby?? (excited) Heck yes. Thanks Larry. I’ll put in a good word for ya with the press!
LC: Thanks Chuck, wow, knuckle .. er, thanks Chuck! See ya Nov 4!

correction – caption should read “Wiretapped Cell Conversation”

Footballpocalypse Survivor Tale

So, I am sitting in my recliner a little past midnight (EST), laptop toasting my balls, rendering me sterile. On the screen is the Gamecast of Navy at Stanford. I am pulling for the blue line against the red line. The blue line goes ahead 34-9. in the 4th and I figure the game is secure enough for me to blow out the final flickering flame of what was a blowtorch of a Saturday.

Total consumption for the day:
Two pounds of Dominoes pizza – thin crust with sausage. Three diet Cokes. Five Pilsner Urquells – in the bottle. Six handfulls of Doritoes – original flavor AND cool ranch. One full rack of babyback ribs (Sonnys), fried okra, green beans, Texas toast and a few soggy fries. One 16oz Coors Light that was skunky (maybe it was left in the boat cooler for a week or two and somehow made its way back into the fridge. Drank it anyway because that’s how I roll.)

Time to go for a run.

Peachy—thanks. Things got a little better. I love to see Phat Phil and co. lose a tight one, and I have to admit that it felt good to watch LSU lose, even though I hate Tommy Tubercheat. Plus, I got wasted and hooked up with a girl who’s face left something to be desired, but had a great body. Can’t wait til next Saturday.

Michigan made ND eat a bowl of homemade chili … except it contained Charlie Weis’ brain!

Turnons: blood

Indeed.

FIRE Charlie Weis!!!!

and,

RE-HIRE Willingham!!!

Has Michigan stopped scoring yet?