Without dragging out the overly gravelly Chris Berman voice…Terry Hoeppner, who only missed two days of work after undergoing surgery for a brain tumor, will undergo a second surgery for possible recurrence of his brain tumor tomorrow. Assistant coach Bill Lynch will sub for Hoeppner in the meantime.

Hoeppner’s neurosurgeon expects him to be out of action for two to four weeks. Wherever we can send get-well messages and other good tidings, please let us know in the comments section.

Oh, you want trash talk Tennessee? SERIOUS FUCKING TRASH TALK? You’re not ready. Don’t even act like you’re ready for this. Okay, we told you, but you’re just gonna find out for you own pitiful self. Yeah, go ahead. We dare you to look at this quote from Tony Joiner:

“We really want to get into somebody else and take their cheese. Make a sandwich in the kitchen. Ham and cheese with a little turkey, mustard and mayonnaise.”

Ohhhhhh SNAP! We got sandwiches, bitches. You just died a little, didn’t you?

Sandwiches.

(Serious hat tip: WATB.)

We’re coming to make a Reuben, baby. REUBENS!

Lusty, busty, and about to be rusty–all describe Chuck Amato, who officially took priority seating on the coaches’ death watch. We have to rate Chuck’s odds of survival on the size of his pecs, since they seem to constitute 58% of his BMI. The scale works as such:

Chuck’s getting paid through the next Presidential administration: Lee Haney.

Chuck might live: Eh, more like Jake Gyllenhaal or any other guy who hits the machines enough.

Chuck’s gone: Dustin Diamond, a.k.a. Screech, pre-frequent Howard Stern guest/chess wizard phase.

And today’s reading on the Chuck Amato survival meter…

Reading: just plain screech-y.

Amato didn’t make this any better for himself politically speaking by taking the goodwill afforded him by atrocious officiating on Saturday and squandering it by blaming Akron’s “taking non-qualifiers” for their success against the Wolfpack. Therefore, the pecs of good fortune look droopy, shriveled, and weeping for massive expansion in the gym today.

Let’s begin with a few assertions.

First, that Gameday was originally destined for a September 16th date with the respective fanbases of Florida and Tennessee at Knoxville. It’s a traditional favorite of everyone on the Gameday crew, who historically hold great sway over where they go for the show. In fact, asserting this is just repeating fact; until Monday, that’s where Gameday was in fact headed.

The second assertion we’ll make is that for the most part, the talent decides where to roll on the weekends. Until this year, that’s been the case, even with the strange visit up to Boston last year for the FSU/BC game, a place that didn’t exactly reek of traditional tailgate. (It’s Boston, and yes, we know, the parking is hell up there.) They usually make the calls on where to be, even when the game they’re appearing at doesn’t sync up with ABC’s coverage.

The third assertion we’ll make is that ABC/ESPN/Commandante Mickey/Cthulucorp completely and utterly put the kibosh on that practice this year and has gone full party-line with its college football coverage, meaning the game of the week–the one ABC hypes full-bore across its many-armed beast of networks–will unfailingly be the one they happen to cover. Which this week will be Nebraska/USC, which OMG JUST HAPPENS TO BE THE GAME OF THE CENTURY11111!!!!

Auburn/LSU is the Game of the Week! Unless it’s on CBS, of course.

The fourth–and the one where we’re playing a complete Miss Cleo role here–is that Gameday’s crew was overruled by ABC/ESPN programming people, and that the Gameday crew sits less than thrilled with the decision and the infringement on their power to decide whom to cover and where to be on the weekends. No super-inside sources here, no major gossip, just a hunch that the suits allowing market-share decisions to drive coverage of a sport spanning at least four major networks and a countless regional ones likely irks them just more than a bit.

Don’t take this as an anti-corporate screed, or some knock on ABC/ESPN/Gloved Rat/Cthulucorp, either; this is, by nature, what they’ll do to improve their ratings and market share. It’s more of a guess at the power dynamics between talent and management in the Sportstainment! division of things over there. Maybe Trev quitting and going to work with Bloo doesn’t look so crazy in context, now does it?

After a 33-0 defeat at the hands of Rutgers, Illinois coach [NAME REDACTED] has a new weapon sure to put fear in the hearts of Big Ten foes everywhere(HT: Teds):

“We probably will experiment more with the rugby punt,” Zook said Sunday. “It’ll be part of our repertoire from now on. I like what it does to the defense.”

[NAME REDACTED] is, of course, only showing his chops as a student of history. The rugby punter has come through on the side of many a noble army in history, drop-kicking from the hip and vanquishing some formidable foes. Who could forget his quality work at…

…the Battle of Agincourt, when he was just a wee lad?

What’s the king of the Hawk people doing in there?

…or at Waterloo, where he charged with the 52nd?

Who knew poorly photoshopped jpgs existed in the early 19th century?

…or finally, as a member of our greatest generation at Guadalcanal?

Nice form, there, Charlie. Got a pack a Lucky Strikes?

Congratulations, Illinois. We see improvement! You’re getting better and better every day!

The finest in today’s assorted bloggery and media-type links:

–Texas A&M may not suck, according to a Texas A&M blogger. Shock, surprise, and a dollar after hearing this will get you a hot dog at Costco.

Nitrates and ground-up pig ass were never so tasty.

–TrojanWire says there’s footage of Brady Quinn dancing as Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas somewhere in this world. We only want it if his Fergie outfit is complete with pee stain.

–Buckeye Commentary gets ribbed by SI On Campus for picking against his Buckeyes. Tell them you were just trying to fake them out in the name of guaranteeing victory–it’s what we do every year with Tennessee.

–Want to see how close that Air Force/Tennessee game was? We mean, see it? Joel’s got his badass flash animations up and running again, and the one from last Saturday’s game looks like the offenses are playing ping-pong from the endzones on this one.

–Building the Dam is already mentioning the Idaho game as a chance to “fire the coach to save the team.” That’s Idaho, the team who plays in the abandoned airplane hangar.

–Did NC State get ska-roooed by a lack of instant replay use? Most people who want Amato fired don’t care anyway, but judging from this…umm, yes. They did.

–LD grades out GameDay.

–A comment by Black Shoe Diaries in their post-mortem of the Notre Dame game confirms that this Charlie Weis fella may have something here:

I want to say one more thing, and this is going to sound like a little bit of sour grapes. But I thought Notre Dame was a little late in calling off the dogs for my taste. I thought it showed a lack of class still throwing the ball and going for it on fourth down twice when you’re up by 31 points in the fourth quarter.

You mean we have to have a definite opinion on Charlie Weis now? And we have to like him, too? Say what you may, but he’s no Bobby Petrino. How about going for it on 4th and 4 when you’re up by 35, then? Against Temple?

Are they still out there? Fine. Keep passing.