NEW SEASON, NEW TACTICS FOR ESPN/ABC
Under constant pressure from Disney executives and new competition, ESPN/ABC sports has turned to the basics to spice up their broadcasts this fall: more skin and more violence, and hopefully more viewers tuning in to their networks' broadcasts of college football.
The new marketing strategies include a variety of untested strategies designed to "not only catch the viewer's eye, but also their imagination," said Jon Skipper, Executive Vice President of Programming at ESPN. New additions to broadcasts have included:
--Slipping footage of animals attacking humans into live broadcasts. "We wanted a live, visual metaphor for what was happening on the field, so we went bold. Viewers have responded enthusiastically thus far to the device," says Skipper, who had no comment on the 3,728 complaints to the FCC following the inclusion of a graphic lion attack flashed on screen following a Patrick Willis sack in Sunday's Memphis/Ole Miss game.
"It's simple one-upsmanship," said Pablo Sinverguenza, executive director of programming for Fox Sports College division. "They heard we were showing a bear mauling a man following sacks, so they pre-empt and go lion attack. It's the sincerest form of flattery, really, but now we have to top it. We're looking around for some good shark attack footage, since we can't rely on the football-playing robot graphics forever."

The next wave in in-game graphics.
--Revamping announcers clothing and even appearances. "Part of expanding your audience is stocking the frame with something for everyone. We thought we might create value in every part of the game by giving not only our male viewers something to look at, but bringing women into the fold as well with some of the obvious physical charisma of our announcers."
As a part of this strategy ESPN has the Gameday Crew broadcasting shirtless from most games, though for colder games a lumber-jack themed skin-tight flannel-fleece combo will be utilized.
"I love 'em," says Lee Corso. "For years I've dealt with body issues and the shame that comes with them. Now I to have the chance to finally show that an older man can be just as sexy as a younger man. Plus my tan's really improved as a result."

Lee Corso relaxes in his new on-screen duds.
Not all ESPN/ABC employees have embraced the move, however. Sideline commentator Holly Rowe protested and resigned when asked to broadcast while wearing a mask that resembled former CBS broadcaster Jill Arrington. Under threat of legal action by Rowe, ABC reached a compromise with the host, who will instead be shown now only from great distances while standing next to large objects like grain silos, stadiums, or Mark Mangino.
This move in particular pleased viewer Chad Brentley of Dallas, Texas. "I'm so sick of that fat bitch," said the 225 pound, 5'7" Brentley as he finished off the last of 24 Teriyaki Chicken Wings at the local favorite "The Wing Dynasty." "She's like a moped, right? You know what I mean! Right? I just don't think I have to look at that on television." Brentley said he liked the new moves ESPN had made, and then ordered a fried onion blossom and another beer from the bar.
Another complaint has come from veteran broadcaster Brent Musburger. He objected to his new broadcast uniform, though Musberger did wear what Skipper called "a police tribute" throughout the Notre Dame/Georgia Tech broadcast on September 2nd.
"And here I was thinking the old blue CBS jackets were a bit tacky. I think I look like fucking rough trade in that shit," says Brent Musberger. "I do the Little League World Series for them. I do bowling, for christ's sake. I crawl in the gutter of ABC Sports to get back to the penthouse and they give me this to wear? Not that the old man can't flash some leg--believe me, with the work I do in the gym on this old house I like to show off the goods--but they don't come for free and they certainly don't come without the man named Brent seeing some extra green or tail at the end of the day, pardner. No sir. You can find me at the Pig 'N Whistle. I'll be the one wearing pants, thank you very much."
In response, Skipper said he respected Musburger's views but vowed to address these issues with Musburger as soon as possible.

Musburger, unhappy in his new duds.
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Is there any other college games this weekend besides Ohio State vs. Texas? I swear Notre Dame and Penn State are slated to play, but ESPN hasn’t acknowledged the existence of any other games.
by Nick on Sep 7, 2006 1:55 PM EDT reply actions
Come on guys warning.
That picture of Corso just made me throw up on my desk at work.
by rebelfan on Sep 7, 2006 1:56 PM EDT reply actions
Is there any other college games this weekend besides Ohio State vs. Texas? I swear Notre Dame and Penn State are slated to play, but ESPN hasn’t acknowledged the existence of any other games.
Must be that East Coast bias of theirs at work again.
by DevilGrad on Sep 7, 2006 1:59 PM EDT reply actions
How is ESPN not screaming about how much they love USC and who they will be playing this weekend? Oh that’s right, the bye week.
I guess that’s why they have time to talk about other games.
Maybe they could do a 15 minute feature for Gameday about the preparation work USC is doing to get ready for Nebraska next weekend.
by NavyGrad on Sep 7, 2006 2:04 PM EDT reply actions
BTW, Lee Corso is STILL an idiot.
http://www.ncaabbs.com/forums/mac/phpbb/viewtopic.php?t=6246&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0
by DevilGrad on Sep 7, 2006 2:06 PM EDT reply actions
Oh good Christ! The goggles……they do nothing!
by NoleinTexas on Sep 7, 2006 2:08 PM EDT reply actions
Gameday this week will have a 15 minute segment on how the Playstation USC Trojans season is going.
Can’t ignore the largest media market in the nation, now can we?
by NewAZTiger on Sep 7, 2006 2:21 PM EDT reply actions
Actually ESPN is showcasing USC’s scrimmage with the Song Girls during the Texas-tOSU half time. Other games?
by canuck on Sep 7, 2006 2:23 PM EDT reply actions
He objected to his new broadcast uniform
Actually, Musberger was protesting the marketing tie-in of having him sing “If you dare wear short shorts, Nair for short shorts…” during time-outs.
Also, ESPN is using the bye week for USC to re-write the official WWL CFB Narrative for the 2006 season; Holly Rowe is looking for her cardinal-and-gold kneepads as we speak.
by DC Trojan on Sep 7, 2006 3:10 PM EDT reply actions
Say what you want about Holly Rowe (I think she looks like a real woman who doesn’t puke up dinner every night, but that’s another story).
At least she ain’t Shelley Smith.
Guhh.
by Hawkeye Dan on Sep 7, 2006 3:11 PM EDT reply actions
Dude.
D-U-D-E.
You’re going to go to Hell for posting that Corso picture. And when you get there, you’re going to have to look at it for all eternity.
by Will Collier on Sep 7, 2006 3:19 PM EDT reply actions
Trust us, Orson has said plenty about Holly Rowe. The words “spunky,” “chunky,” and “spankable” turned up in the archives.
by DevilGrad on Sep 7, 2006 3:19 PM EDT reply actions
Having flashbacks to Goatse and Tubgirl thanks to you Orson. You owe me one brain.
by daviehamsufferer97 on Sep 7, 2006 3:27 PM EDT reply actions
AHHHHH! AHHHHHH! The pain-! My retinas are scarred!
I say you owe Florida cheerleaders shots in recompense…
by Jackwraith on Sep 7, 2006 3:31 PM EDT reply actions
“Spunky, chunky and spankable”
I have to admit I was thinking the same thing during the Miami / FSU game. I think “tons o’ fun” fits Holly Rowe to a tee. She’d give 110% and would probably make you a mean omelet in the morning.
by Pandemonium Reigns on Sep 7, 2006 3:50 PM EDT reply actions
Pandemonium has a point. It’s like she’d really appreciate it, instead of throwing you a towel, giving you $5 and telling you to get the F out.
by NoleinTexas on Sep 7, 2006 3:59 PM EDT reply actions
boise state at home giving up 7.5 to oregon state….take the beavers?
by matt on Sep 7, 2006 4:17 PM EDT reply actions
I dunno Noleintex, any woman ever decides to give me cab fare home would definitely be a keeper.
by Wooderson on Sep 7, 2006 4:24 PM EDT reply actions
oh man! musberger’s stolen my holloween costume. i wanted to be lt. dribble.
by adam on Sep 7, 2006 4:29 PM EDT reply actions
Normally, I think she’s adorable, but Rowe looked ROUGH Monday night. Girlfriend needs a wig/hat budget line item in her contract, stat.
by Holly on Sep 7, 2006 4:29 PM EDT reply actions
This post from EDSBS was made possible by combining the the wit of Orson and the man-crushes of Boi from Troy (see: Corso & Musberger pics).
I never thought it was possible to vomit and shed tears of laughter at the same time.
Well done fellas.
by Geaux Irish on Sep 7, 2006 4:30 PM EDT reply actions
Holly did look rough Monday, even with the outfit from Janet Jackson’s Rhythm Nation 1814
by Nick on Sep 7, 2006 4:57 PM EDT reply actions
Orson, are you responsible for this?
http://www.wehatethenewclockrules.com/
If not, they may want to piggy back your last piece on 3-2-5-E, along with Sterger’s piece i’ll bet too.
by King Harvest on Sep 7, 2006 5:00 PM EDT reply actions
ROTFLMAO! That’s even better than the email I sent Orson during the first half:
“RE: HOLLY ROWE
Watching FSU-TheOtherMiami, the bad news is that it looks like Keith Richards got there first. The good news is that she appears to have got his hat as a souvenir."
by DevilGrad on Sep 7, 2006 5:01 PM EDT reply actions
Amen on Holly Rowe being “spankable”.
She does look better in the cold-weather Big 10 games.
Up that way, we like our women with a bit more meat on ’em. Helps them survive the winter better.
by Hawkeye Dan on Sep 7, 2006 5:33 PM EDT reply actions
Orson, don’t know if you’ve seen this, we may need a Fulmer Cup ruling. I knwo the contest is over, but do transgression form the off-season that are only uncovered now count retro-actively?
by Wooderson on Sep 7, 2006 5:42 PM EDT reply actions
I heard that GameDay will be having a karaoke contest all day during their pre-show to see who can sing, “Coming To Your City” by Big & Rich.
by BORAT on Sep 7, 2006 5:56 PM EDT reply actions
“A couple of guys made a couple of bad decisions here.”
Exactly how many ATM cards did they jack?
by canuck on Sep 7, 2006 6:00 PM EDT reply actions
With that kind of precocious talent for white collar crime, their days playing for Sonny Lubick may be numbered but surely an acceptance letter to Harvard Business School can’t be far behind.
by DevilGrad on Sep 7, 2006 6:09 PM EDT reply actions
Messed up youth football craziness: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14681867/
Father runs onto the field and decks a kid.
by Brian on Sep 7, 2006 7:06 PM EDT reply actions
Re: 34, he was just trying to teach the kids proper form. What?
by Phil K. on Sep 7, 2006 7:45 PM EDT reply actions
Urbanwept, Holly Rowe herself looked like roadkill. A 800 pound pile of roadkill.
by Chuck on Sep 7, 2006 8:52 PM EDT reply actions
Holly Rowe is the kind of girl that you have to roll her in flour to find the wet spot. Then you tie a board to your ass to make sure you don’t fall in.
by Joe on Sep 7, 2006 10:04 PM EDT reply actions
Wait, wait, wait. Some of you really, actually dig Holly Rowe? I mean, she seems like a nice girl and all…..but, c’mon.
Do we need to revisit the Yankee Hot equation?
by NoleinTexas on Sep 7, 2006 11:42 PM EDT reply actions
The ham and cheese omelet, please. And my hash browns spunky, chunky and spankable, if you please. Thanks, shug.
by swears by the Awful Waffle on Sep 8, 2006 12:30 AM EDT reply actions
Forget Holly Rowe, where’s the anger over the no-talent assclown “musicians” returning for the Gameday intro.
by anger, followed by sadness on Sep 8, 2006 12:38 AM EDT reply actions
Basically, a girl that is considered hot by those that live in areas that have a predilection towards Northern Aggression will not be considered hot by stricter Southern standards.
An example I use is Brady Quinn’s sister. Sure, she’s OK, but put her on an ACC or SEC campus, and she’s just another chick you talk to when you’ve had 15 too many. But her on a Big 10 campus, though, and she gets to marry a first round pick caveman linebacker.
by NoleinTexas on Sep 8, 2006 7:49 AM EDT reply actions
The Yankee equation is true. I’ve lived plenty of years in both New England and Georgia. Northern chicks are BEAT. Also, the kind of girls it attracts to go to school up there are the Nerdy granola-ish/bohemian chicks who think New England is some sort of educational eden. That combined with the fact that more people take State Schools seriously in most other parts of the country helps too.
Give me tube tops or give me death!
by Brian on Sep 8, 2006 8:09 AM EDT reply actions
Nole – nice Radioactive Man reference! Simpsons refs (not OJ or Jessica) seem to be in constant supply around here.
BTW, I’ve been a long time reader. Got turned on to this site by a Domer grad. Freakin’ hi-larious stuff, this site is!
by tOSU_radar on Sep 8, 2006 12:16 PM EDT reply actions
Speaking up for the Midwest here…Laura Quinn isn’t really “Midwestern Hot” either. I assume she and AJ like each other for their personalities. Or are part of some mad scheme of genetic engineering. Or something.
by captaineclectic on Sep 11, 2006 6:33 PM EDT reply actions

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