It’s almost too soon…but not quite. A three-day extravaganza awaits. Thanks to all the people we’ll see at ND/GT this weekend in advance–we promise not to vomit on anything too expensive. If you wonder who we are, we’ll be wearing one of these.

Most importantly, enjoy the first weekend. That means all of you: fall-down drunks, fresh-faced youth, rednecks, suave urbanites, old codgers cranked off bourbon and nostalgia…all of you.

And especially you, Chris Leak. Enjoy it because you deserve it.

We’ll be live-blogging FSU-Miami on Monday night, so please join us for the festivities. Until then, take care.

We’re going to be gushing social butterflies this weekend, so if you’re in town, please drop by and say hello wherever we are. Where this is…well, that’s a bit of an issue, because we have to make a request from a Georgia Tech or Notre Dame tailgater:

We want an invite.

Not to the game, of course. We have a much more important affair to watch–one that may, in fact, determine the fate of the free world as we know it. But in order to perform our bit of amateur anthropology properly, we’ll need a homebase to do it from, namely your tailgate. So we’re begging for an invite to your tailgate at the Tech from 12 p.m. to 5 p.m. tomorrow. We will bring two guests and the following:

–Our sparkling wit.

–An EDSBS t-shirt.

–24 beers.

–A family meal of fried chicken.

Chicken? Check. Beer? Check. Luda? We’re working on that.

We hear you now: but Orson, don’t you carry all of that around anyway? The answer is yes, but in this case the chicken will still be hot and the beer will be of your choosing. Email us at harumphharumph care of yahoo to extend an invite. We can’t say you won’t regret it, but we will sing your praises on the internet, something which will put you in the illustrious company of Dyson vacuum cleaners, 2 gig memory cards, and Tera Patrick. And that’s company you want to keep, friends.

We will also be at the Jocks ‘N Jills at the CNN Center tonight around 9ish to hobnob with the hoi-polloi of the blog world. How we got an invite, we’ll never know, but we hope to see you there.

The power of the Arkansas hemicurse may have been slightly exaggerated. Despite busting his toe up in a parking lot scuffle, the fiberoptic pulse-fast running back Darren McFadden of the Arkansas Razorbacks will allegedly play quality minutes against USC, according to 790 the Zone here in Atlanta. We’ll translate the results of this revelation mathematically:

Last year’s result: 70–17, USC. McFadden played and ran like a banshee.

Modifiers:
-7 (Playing in Fayetteville)
-14 (Replacing two Heisman winners.)
-7 (Presence of only SEC mascot to be shot after killing spree)
+7 (Point bump if Johnson busts Trojans all day long)

Product: 42-24, USC

See? Math is easy.

Presence of killer mascot good for 7 points alone.

The last time we gambled with any seriousness, we bankrupted a certain head football coach in a game of “War” and forced him to take an irresistable and doomed offer to the NFL, forcing a dark chapter of the Gator saga–all 1,980 years of it–into existence. Curse these damned hands…

–O

Hello all, back for year #2 of the “pick winners or risk public humiliation” experiment. Last year went well, with a final record of 84-61, or 58%; this is certainly good enough to never have to work again, if only I could make it happen every season. Let’s hope I can, because several years of working in law firms is starting to take its toll and I would love to make the switch.

Breaking down last season, I started 25-27, then finished with a 59-34 run (63.4%) that is about as good as anyone is going to do. Last year, my preseason preparation was interrupted by a cross-country move, along with the obligatory job and apartment search. This year, there were none of those distractions, so let’s hope for a good run from the start.

For the record, Orson was giddy anticipating the season’s start and missed the frantic email I sent to him with my Thursday action. So, it’s included below as well. Please note that last year I went 2-0 on the opening Thursday and finished 4-7 the opening weekend.

Sorry we missed the email, Solon. We were busy playing a complex game of strategy.

All lines are from the Las Vegas Hilton.

THURSDAY:
Northwestern (-4) v. MIAMI (OHIO)
The loss of HC Randy Walker will eventually take its toll on the Wildcats, but not in this, their first game without him. Both teams are light at QB, but while I think NW QB Basanez was a quality player I think he will be easier to replace than Miami QB Betts, who threw for over 3,000 yds with a 27-13 ratio, not the sort of numbers that generally come out of Miami (O) QBs (Big Ben’s career performances notwithstanding). Projected NW starting QB redshirt freshman Mike Kafka is highly mobile with a strong arm, and while I think he could do the job throwing the ball this week I think his focus will be on running himself and handing the ball to stud RB Sutton, who will be running behind an OL that returns 4 starters and will be facing a D that loses 6 starters from its front 7, and loses an incredible 10 of 11 top tacklers from last season. NW’s D is by no means great, but it should be better than it was last season and it is worth noting that they faced some pretty powerful offenses last season–amazingly, Ohio and Illinois were the only teams on the schedule last season that averaged less than 28 ppg–and it is unlikely that Miami (O) will have the potency to exploit them, given that they are replacing their QB, only return 2 starters to the OL, and their best weapon–RB Brandon Murphy–is questionable for the game with an injured ankle. I predict that Kafka’s presence will metamorphosize the NW offense and the end product will send the Miami (O) D scurrying.

Kafka, starter. Can’t run due to this persistent cough he can’t shake.

FRIDAY:
Nevada (+13) v. FRESNO STATE
Fresno State got a lot of mileage out of their loss to USC last season but they followed it up with 3 consecutive losses. Among those was a 38-35 loss to a Nevada team that won 8 of its last 9 games. Nevada’s O stepped it up late last season–they averaged 34 ppg last season–and they should be even better this season. They lose solid RB Mitchell, but his replacement Hubbard has a lot of experience and is legit. QB Rowe is a solid player and should be able to move the ball against a solid Fresno D. Fresno’s problems lie on the offensive side of the ball; QB Pinegar, who threw for 3300 yards last season with a 30-15 ratio, has graduated and his replacement Brandstater will not match those numbers. Fresno has also suffered losses at RB, and while RB Wright was very good 2 years ago, he has missed most of the last two seasons with injuries and will likely not be a major factor from the start, even against an average Nevada D.

Please note that the California State University system has banned alcohol from its stadia as of this season, which should make the normally-substantial Fresno State home edge just a bit less.

SATURDAY:
PENN STATE (-17) v. Akron
There is some trepidation here because PSU often starts the season slowly, and they have ND on deck next week. I think this season they will come out on fire, for a couple reasons; (more…)

A rumor has been going on around the internets that Florida had produced some promotional t-shirts that instead of reading “2006″ in Roman numerals actually read “26.” Some have defended this as a taunt to Florida State fans, since FSU could have scored that many points and still not won the 2005 game. Citing our inside sources, though, we have to come clean and unveil a little-known secret about Florida football: it was actually founded in the year 26 AD in the Eastern Han Empire, China, something only recently discovered by Florida’s archaeology department. The real error on the shirt was the “100 years,” which should have read “1,980 years of middling to good football.”

The history’s been a colorful one. Records indicate that among other accomplishments, Florida football teams through the ages have:

–Fought Tamerlane to a 13-13 draw just north of Samarkand using the flexbone and a few well-time play-action passes by quarterback Ux Ooighmachbey Culpepper.

–Singlehandedly brought yrsinia pestiis to the Istanbul on an ill-fated road trip ca. 1327

–Served as the personal bodyguard to Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Serbia. Defense, obviously, was not the team’s strength.

The most interesting thing about the discovery? Galen Hall was the first head coach, making his more recent 20th century tenure his second at the school.

That should read “1,980″ years, sir.

In all the excitement about actually having football to watch, we forgot that most of it was going to absolutely suck, suck, suck to watch, even to a starving football fan.

First Boston College plays what appeared to be a scrimmage against Central Michigan, winning 31-24 only after scaring the living daylights out of poor Bill, whose agony left him at a loss for words this morning. It’s all part of Coach O’Brien’s plot to never win a game by more than ten points, Bill. Look it up, it’s in the Bible.

Mississippi State launched their season in the key of Spinal Tap, huddling in the tunnel while waiting for a graduate assistant–who for one minute and ten seconds was officially the most miserable person on the planet–to get the smoke machine in working order for their entrance. After on-camera fumbling and a pitiful sputter of fake smoke, Croom decided it was bad enough and let his players run through five wisps of grey fog onto the field to a din of cowbells and undoubtedly trashed Bulldog fans.

The smoke machine proved to be more productive than the Miss State offense: the Bulldogs didn’t score, a fact that will not surprise those of you skeptical of Croom’s plan to screen block on every play, even on those plays not actually called as screens. Offensive plague proved contagious; South Carolina continued to look crapulent on offense, too, with their only TD coming off the inevitable Spurrier “fuck-it-nothing-else-is-working-let’s-toss-this-in” trick play of the night. Syvelle Newton took a lateral from Blake Mitchell, tossed it to a streaking Cory Boyd running free down the sideline, and South Carolina took a double digit lead. At this point, requiring two touchdowns, Mississippi State had no mathematical chance, since they have not scored an offensive touchdown ever under Croom and never will, instead hoping to win through Croom’s “one yard, a cloud of dust, and my starter clutching his shattered collarbone” offense. We wish him luck with that.

Five lineman? What are five of them doing out there?

In the nightcap, Arizona State failed to make the 539 point spread against Northern Arizona by miles. Actually, they were all five seconds from calling Sam Keller’s dad and asking if they could still be friends as Northern Desert Kentucky had the Sun Devils at 14-all going into the fourth. ASU did one of those 21 point blinkbursts of points they’re capable of doing and made the final 35-14, but not before reducing Sun Devil fans to cringing, dyspeptic wrecks for three hours.

Take note, fandom: this may be you this weekend. Industrial-size antacid purchases are advised.