We just beat the hell out of you. Rammer Jammer blah blah, etc.

Dallas Baker puts the game away.

We will be tailgating in Gainesville bright and early tomorrow, and will give doughnuts to those who track us down. We promised to do this last time, but this time we mean it: stop by our camp chair, and we will give the first 24 people who show up a complimentary Krispy Kreme doughnut.

We’ll be tailgating around Anderson Hall and Library West, wherever we can plant a chair, a tent, and the pedestal for our traveling Danny Wuerffel Shrine (a total bitch to carry, but soooo worth it.) Chances are we’ll be well entrenched by 10:00 a.m. and drinking for two, so showing up early is advised and welcomed, especially if you want doughnut, amigos.

Bama fans and Florida fans alike are welcome. IM us on Yahoo! Messenger at harumphharumph at yahoo.com to get the exact location tomorrow. We’ll be the average-looking white guy with glasses and brown hair wearing an EDSBS Burnin’ Couch Shirt, much like this one:

…which you may purchase by clicking on the picture. Commerce! The engine of nations, and inflater of beer funds.

It’s great to have a coach who speaks in the language of vandalism:

On Saturday, Meyer wants to give the Tide a dose of what has been repeatedly and unanimously referenced by the college football media as “the most hostile environment in the nation.”

Coach Urban Meyer said, “It’s a call to arms. Let’s go break some windows in that building over there.”

Vocal cords? Check. Jorts? Check. Coyote spray? Not necessary, as we said before.

Enjoy the weekend to its fullest. BTW, we officially cannot get this song out of our head, so we’re infecting you all by linking it, but not without reason: the song’s full of vitamin-rich meaning:

And to those of you who mourn your lives through one day to the next
Well let them take you next!
Can’t you live and be thankful you’re here?
See - it could be you, tomorrow, next year.

Huzzah to that. We’ll see you Monday.

Florida and Alabama fans have a reputation for having a caustic dislike of each other. In fact,
nothing could be further from the truth. To demonstrate, Orson and Warren St. John, author of Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer and graduate of Columbia University, have decided to engage in and co-post a “dialog of mutual brotherly respect aimed at showing the Gator Nation, the Bama Nation and all you other suckers exactly how sportsmanlike these two esteemed fan bases really are. To wit:

Orson: First, we would like to extend a hand of friendship to the Alabama fanbase and welcome them to Gainesville this weekend, one of America’s best towns to live in and a paragon of civility, organization, and decency. We hope that you enjoy all of the amenities of our fair town:its streets, clean and free of the packs of rabid coyotes that control much of Tuscaloosa; itsbeautiful public gathering places, unusual because one can walk safely through them without being assaulted by rabid coyotes; and most of all, our beautiful campus, so coyote-free and pristine that the possibility of being assaulted by a rabid coyote while crossing its green lawns would provoke titters of laughter from its students. We welcome you, and remind you that the wearing of body armor to protect yourself against coyotes is so unnecessary it’s absurd to even consider it.

Not an issue, Bama fans! Leave the coyote spray at home.

Warren: Thanks Orson. We are delighted to be visiting your fair city and appreciate the warmthwith which you greet us. I think I speak for all Alabama fans when I say that of all the college campuses designed to look like corporate office parks, Florida’s is among the most beautiful.

Orson: You’re too kind, Warren. After the Alabama faithful secure lodging for their oxen and bury their dead after the long, arduous trek from Alabama, what can we look forward to seeing in this colorful, dedicated fanbase?

Warren: Well as you know Orson, Alabama has won 12 National Championships, and something like 947 S.E.C. championships, so we’re a humble bunch. Consequently, we don’t feel any
compulsion to make cheap jokes about jorts or to bring up [NAME REDACTED]. In fact we don’t even need to win to enjoy ourselves. We plan simply to sit back and enjoy those Gator cheerleaders and then to pat our hosts on the back to say ‘game well played,’ whatever the outcome.

Orson: Warren, you’re actually selling yourself short! Alabama in fact has 27 national championships by their count, including the Tider Insider.com 2002 National Title and 116
Tuscaloosa County Crowns. It’s a program with much more distinguished history than ours, to be sure. Bear Bryant…Wallace Wade…Dennis Franchione. THE Dennis Franchione–it would be futile to try to compete with that. You were mentioned in a Steely Dan song, for pete’s sake. That’s heritage.

Warren: Thanks for correcting me. Without a calculator handy, it can indeed be difficult to accurately tally Alabama’s many championships. Florida fans probably have no ideawhat that’s like, having only had a football program since the late 1980s.

I bet life is so much simpler when you can count your team’s national championships on one hand, even if that hand is a
lobster claw.

At any rate, Orson, I want to thank you for giving me a forum to express my respect for the Gators. And let me commend the sportsmanship of you and your fellow Florida fans. After all, what can be more sporting than letting the other guys win three times in a row!?

Orson: That is kind of us, isn’t it? It must be especially difficult to remember all those championships, indeed, especially since they were so long ago. WE must buy a calendar for you! We wish you the best in the game on Saturday.

We contributed our thoughts on Roll Bama Roll, so in return Todd answers our questions on Alabama. Enjoy:

1. I’ll just ask this one more time: why do Alabama fans make such a big deal about their old coach Ray “The Bear” Perkins? Was he that good? And why can’t you get over him?

The legendary Ray “The Bear” Perkins.

I think you might be confusing Perkins with Paul “Bear” Bryant, the legendary coach that preceded him. It’s an easy mistake to make considering Perkins earned the nickname “Bare” after it was discovered he suffered from a rare psychological disorder known as “Ray Perkins Syndrome” that forced him to completely undress before he could urinate. It was actually quite a coincidence that he suffered from it, since the name “Ray Perkins” was chosen
at random from a phonebook during the naming procees and people named “Ray Perkins” were rarely diagnosed. While he wasn’t half the coach of Bryant (literally, he measured only 3′1″), he is held in high esteem by a large portion of the population since he fathered roughly 87% of the male children born in this state between 1973 and 1996, myself included. We don’t think of him so much as “Coach” as we do “Dad.” He also fathered some 42% of the female children born in that time span, but refuses to acknowledge their legitimacy.

2. Do our eyes deceive us, or are you running a 3-3-5 these days? And if so, why the hell are you doing this?

There’s nothing wrong with your eyes, Alabama has been lining up in the 3-3-5 a lot since last season. The introduction of the 3-3-5 defense last season served two purposes: First, to take advantage of the talent and depth in the linebacking corp and secondary while compensating for the inexperience along the D-line and, second, as a means to defend against the ever popular spread offense. Most SEC defenses are designed to push plays towards the center of the field while the spread is meant to, well, spread the defense. Spurrier ran roughshod over the conference for a decade because of it, and with Auburn’s Al Borges and Sly Croom installing their variations of the West Coast Offense and Urban Meyer bringing his Spread Option, Kines went ahead and spread his defense out before the offense could. Further, it allows us to use a linebacker as a rush end and the fifth defensive back as a linebacker, sacrificing strength for overall speed and allowing his defenders to “run to the ball.” A nickel back might not be the best choice for run support, but he gets there quick and after he does there are three other guys right behind him to aid in the tackle. That’s why you tend to see about three crimson jerseys in on every stop instead of one guy making a big hit.

3. Does really, really liking “I Don’t Feel Like Dancing” by the Scissor Sisters make us gay? We though it was gay sex that made you gay, but we’ve been told that liking this song is just the same, at least in Alabama.

Does liking this make us gay? And is that Casey Clausen in the video, as our readers seem to suggest?

Being from Alabama, my only knowledge of and experience with the gay lifestyle comes from Will and Grace and Cinemax softcore lesbian porn. (more…)

In case you haven’t gotten the Coach O song Chris Vernon made the other day, well, CBKnox’s video won’t help matters much. It is fine work, though.

The Narrative dies a little each week–long live the Narrative! The best part about a system where 10 teams per conference compete for a single spot comes in the knowledge that while you may not win, your most hated opponent’s odds of winning remain steep and will likely explode in their face on national television.

This nearly happened as South Carolina almost beat Auburn 24-17, with only a clanking pair of traitorous hands keeping the Gamecocks from tying it up in the dying last seconds of the game. Brandon Cox was forced to convert 4th and 6 and 3rd and 21 in the third quarter to hold possession. The buzz line is that Auburn held the ball for the entire third quarter–astonishing, especially since Tuberville engineered the cock-free third quarter by going for an onside kick to get the ball back and eke out another Irons rushing touchdown.

Auburn: almost fumbled away the Narrative last night.

The pressure of a road game had Al Borges saying…strange…things: From John Solomon’s blog:

To say Auburn was relieved to prevail is an understatement. Al Borges spoke about “swallowing hard” if Tommy Tuberville hadn’t made two gutsy calls - then Borges acknowledged they were “swallowing hard” anyway at the end.

The general thought among Auburn fans we spoke with was that Auburn’s defense were the ones swallowing hard for most of the night, befuzzled by Spurrier’s going to a spread formation and passing at will despite Auburn dropping eight men into coverage. (This paragraph truncated in order to prevent embarrassing Spurrier man-love spewing across the page. There’s been quite enough of that.)

TCU lost last night, scrapping the TCU “BCS-buster” tag and the nation’s longest win streak simultaneously. If there’s a positive in all of this, it’s the fact that our campaign to get jets installed in TCU mascot’s eyes that spray red fluid may have just found some extra push, since we blame Super Frog’s inability to intimidate opinions for TCU’s loss. Thanks to Austin Murphy, we now know the red fluid is not blood, actually, but something even worse:

We’d spent the previous half hour killing time in the office of associate athletic director Scott Kull, who’d made several important points about the school’s distinctive mascot. “The horned frog — actually a spiny lizard — subsists on a diet of red ants.” It had long been believed that this creature was capable, when angered or frightened, of directing a four-foot stream of blood from its eyes. Kull tells me that’s not blood, but rather, pre-digested red ants.

An animal so filled with rage it vomits through its eyes. That is a mascot.

Kids, come say hi to SuperFrog…AIIIIGGGGHH GOD WHAT IS THIS!!!

Our promised guide to Gainesville for the Inquiring ‘Bama Fan is here thanks to consultant Boridicus, who actually wanted to be called “Boridicus Reptilicus the Frapplesaur,” a moniker that we just get tired of typing. We were rusty on the updated, sprawltastic Gainesville, which most people are since businesses open and die like flies there and the city’s forever widening roads, declaring odd ordinances, and generally pretending like it doesn’t need the University to exist. (”The battery plant will keep us alive!”)

Enjoy.

The statue of Albert Murphree on the Florida campus, who will have a football in his hand on Saturday.

I suppose we should begin our tour of Gainesville near the interstate. This is what most people see when they come into town, so it’s as good a starting place as any. I have to preface this tour guide with a warning about our little town’s infrastructure. As one of my friends put it, you’re never more than twenty minute from anything in Gainesville. (more…)

Paleologists from the University of Texas have discovered a new and important missing link in the history of human evolution, a new subspecies identified as “Alabama Man,” according to an announcement from the university released on Wednesday.

“Alabama Man represents an important link between the species we now call homo sapiens and our evolutionary past,” said Dr. Peter Wu, an anthropologist and practicing medical doctor spearheaded the discovery and analysis of Alabama Man’s remains.

Scientists were mum on details at a brief press conference in Austin on Wednesday afternoon. The paper has generated significant buzz in the scientific community, particularly among paleoanthropologists and archaeologists who are already taking a deep interest in what may be the first recorded and systematic attempts at what we call human culture.

Little is known about Alabama Man at this point, but scientists did have hypotheses to share about their new discovery.

–Alabama Man must have had a full command of the process of fermentation, a first for a subspecies of its type. “The bones of Alabama Man are in fact soaked with alcohol specifically carbon-typed as something very similar to what we would call whiskey. This and the remnants of bottles in the field site clued us into the unique alcoholic capabilities of the species,” said Doctor Wu, “a powerful theme we can already note in the bone chemistry. If any of them lived past fifty I’d be shocked.”

Alabama Man: an artist’s representation.

–Alabama Man’s bone analysis yielded another puzzling clue: abnormal bone thickness. Dr. Wu’s assistant Jane Singer commented that “this girth in the bones was likely indicative of obesity, a shocking discovery in prehistoric man given the dire circumstances of their daily lives.

–Singer went on to make what will likely be the most shocking proposal of the day. “We believe Alabama Man could have in fact been raised and bred for food by other human species. The thick bones on their otherwise normal frame would imply a rich and well marbled flesh, making the average Alabama Man too slow of foot to escape predators easily. No other explanation suffices in such a harsh and unforgiving environment.”

–Other clues support Singer’s theory. Alabama Man’s remains were surrounded by artifacts previously thought of as beyond the reach of Australopithecene man: the bottles of alcohol and evidence of intense and possibly fatal alcohol consumption, the remnants of lottery tickets, primitive cigarettes, dice made from deer bones, and fish hooks littered the site. “Like Peking Man, Alabama Man did not grasp the concept of throwing away garbage. When their cave filled up, they simply moved to a new one,” said Singer.

–In addition to the bribes given by other human species, Alabama Man seemed to have some concept of religion, too. “There was insistent worship of an old man, as indicated by intricate wall paintings. We believe they conflated the old man with the bear, a cosmology we’re still trying to grasp,” said cultural anthropologist Sue Givens. “They may have worshipped the bear for its power, and the old man for actually making it past fifty.”

Cave paintings of Alabama Man.

Science will publish the study on Monday. Dr. Wu and others stressed caution in taking the proposals of its study too far.

“We’re dealing with bones that may be up to a year old here. Our complete specimen appears to have died a violent death, perhaps at the hands of a Tiger, the only local species who seemed to have a predatory monopoly on them,” said Wu.

Someone’s written a song about the Orgeron. It’s brilliant. We love it. Please tell us who did it so we can name our first child after them…shortly before presenting the child as a ritual sacrifice to the Orgeron for our insolence. (Grande HT: Rajin’ Cajun Rebel.)

Again, here it is. Listen to it now.

Yoeeooeeohohoooohooo, hoooaaahhh, hooaah…football.

We got email requests to get this up before spouses, bosses, and other financial institutions discovered that you have indeed absconded with the rent/capital investment fund/donut money can had been stolen and applied to give you your supply of Vitamin G (for gamblin’!) With that, we bring you Solon’s picks for week 5, brought to you by the Marin County Library System, where their mission is excellent service.

Greetings all, my Marin library tour comes to you tonight from Belvedere-Tiburon, a community so ritzy that the library is about the only place I can afford to go on my modest salary. Perhaps if I can supplement my income with some winners this week, I’ll be able to afford a cookie at one of the local delicatessens.

Solon’s hoping to be a cookie monster with a big week five.

My midweek “special”–another push, amazingly my fifth of the season thus far–keeps me at 17-17 for the season; hopefully I will be able to build on my record with the rest of the games this week. Last year I was muddled around .500 for the first month or so before closing with a rush, let’s hope I can do the same this season.

One big plus this weekend is that, other than the Tuesday game, I have no midweek action. I’m torn regarding my Friday night–what should I watch? The Degrassi episode where Darcy goes bad, or plucky Rutgers trying to overcome the tricky South Florida O? I suspect the game will win out, but you never know.

Here are this week’s selections:

PENN STATE (-18) v. Northwestern

Northwestern appears to have gotten their O going. Unfortunately for them, playtime is over as they now stumble into the rough-and-tumble Big 10 portion of their schedule. The best D they have faced this season is either Nevada (which gave up 52 pts to Arizona State) or Miami (Ohio) (which gave up 34 pts to Syracuse); and against each the NW O managed 21 pts. Penn State’s D was helped by a rainstorm but their performance last week against the mighty Ohio State O was nevertheless strong; certainly they will have considerably less trouble with the NW O, no matter the conditions. The question for this game is the Penn State O; they struggled against Ohio State, but the OSU D is shaping up to be one of the better in the nation once again, and, given the conditions, I am willing to set aside the performance. Morrelli is not a great QB but he is serviceable, and he is better than any QB NW has faced thus far with the possible exception of Nevada QB Rowe, who averaged 9 ypp last week. The NW D has played well, but PSU has faced better Ds this season and they will appreciate having room to roam. I believe the OSU game has given PSU belief after the ND debacle and their D will give their O short fields to with which to work, and the increased offensive production will put them well ahead of this number.

Wisconsin (-10.5) v. INDIANA

There is a big concern here, that being that Indiana HC Hoeppner returns after surgery for a brain tumor; with the game at home, there is little doubt Indiana will be sky-high. (more…)

While the NC State athletic department attempts to disinfect several sections of the stadim and simulataneously decline the offer of R. Kelly to write “Wolfpack Mackin’”, a new theme for the team featuring a rap by MC Red Shoes…we bring you this morning’s edition of Blogtoberfest.

–Michigan hypermegamecha-tackle Alan Branch is the next Big Man Dance Challenge champion in training, according to Brian.

–Alabama players have gently suggested that Mike Shula should pass more. Or perhaps we can just say to hell with the gently bit:

“We can throw it on anybody if we want to,” receiver Keith Brown said. “Make the play call.”

At this point Joe Kines broke up the interview and alpha-rolled receiver Brown while Shula returned to a demanding game of World Of Warcraft, where his guild is both unstoppable and merciless.

–Coach Dennis Franchione and the Aggies are getting motivated for their upcoming first game against a real, live, non-quadraplegic opponent, Texas Tech. See, they do this activity to build trust where everyone lines up and falls into the outstretched arms of their co-workers. Then they visit a prison for motivation. Then they wear buttons that say “winner” or something like that. Then they all do a Polynesian dance.

Then they lose by thirty to Texas Tech.

–Gay tailgating. We bet the food and drink rock, though the continuous thumping disco does get a bit repetitive.

–Will Collier of In The Bleachers makes “ha ha funny old man look like corpse” jokes about Lou Holtz. We still laughed.

–Nestor has his predictably measured response to UCLA losing last weekend to Washington. Shockingly, his plan involves a coach getting fired.

***Late addition, but a necessary one: Peter runs down the whole dang ol’ Big 12 in every way imaginable this week. And he’s got an intern? Dude, you’ve got to hit that shit. Interns are eeeaaaaasy pickins’–it’s like, you know, he who holds the key to the supply closet gets the tail, right? Wait–it’s a dude? You hired a male intern? Well, you know, maybe you’re experimenting. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. We’ve seen Kinsey; sexuality is a spectrum, after all…***

Real life did intervene with bloggery today, but we’ll be back in force tomorrow. Before we leave, though, please accept the humble apology of this YouTube find, which ironically does not convince you of its thesis that “Alabama’s Great.”

Real life intervenes, so light posting until 3ish. Enjoy THRB’s nice setup of the best on-air meltdown you will ever hear.

By the way, did anyone else ever put an NWA or 2 Live Crew tape into a Teddy Ruxpin for fun? If you haven’t, do it immediately. You may die from the laughter.

I’m like a freak in heat, a dog without warning…

In case you don’t know it, Lou Holtz is very, very old. He’s not quite Joe Paterno old–for example, Lou Holtz doesn’t have his discarded Manchu topknot from Boxer Rebellion in a shoebox underneath his bed for memory’s sake–but he is old enough to be the kind of guy who leaves his car open because, well, fuck it, it’s just an old man car.

North Carolina State fans have had plenty to celebrate over the past year: Chuck Amato’s red shoes (the angels want to wear them, Chuck!), local newspapers posting highly amusing flash animations about the coach, and the infamous Mexi-cam (which can’t possibly compete with Ole Miss’s beloved “Negro-scope.”

Now NC State can reach out to a whole new audience of fans by becoming the first football program to openly sanction public urination during games. Le quote:

“We are going to fix this before the Florida State game if we have to do it ourselves,” Will Quick, student body president, said.

“I know people were urinating in their sections,” Quick said. “I have heard reports of individuals being splashed by urine.” (HT: Kyle)

Seriously…fighting…obvious joke…will not…post…

We lose. Here your newest Chuck Amato fan.

Cause he’s trapped in the bleachers! Gonna piss in the bleachers! Now I pee in the BLEEEACHAAS!