FOOTBALL CHRISTMAS: GIFTS 91-100

by Orson on Aug 31, 2006 11:42 AM EDT

On the hour, a list of the gifts--real and potential--for the upcoming season.

100. The sound of Brent Musberger pulling a muscle on a touchdown call early in the first quarter, capped with a guttral "hhhhyyyyYEEEEEESSS!!!" Histrionic, overdone as a hospital cafeteria hamburger, and as essential to the milieu of college football as a good sunburn. If it doesn't sound like Brent's just been punched in the stomach by a Hell's Angel, then it's an impostor who must be thrown from the press box with all due speed.

Let the Musbergames begin!

99. Gravitation beyond reason: reader Pool Hall Bill, who at this moment is suspended above the Pacific Ocean on a jet on the way to see his wife, son, and the Georgia Bulldogs against Western Kentucky on his leave from duty in Korea, who has been thinking about this game despite sitting just a stone's throw away from half a million North Koreans armed to the gills.
Welcome home, Bill.

98. Flicking off complete strangers on the interstate based solely on the window flags flying from their windows.

97. Outlandish wastes of capital on items used for 12 weekends of recreation a year. Sure, guys like Peter just put a little bit of the spicy mustard on an already typical American level of overconsumption. (In most of the world, ownership of an SUV, a generator, and a satellite dish makes you "Minister of Sketchily Defined Department of Something" by default. Here it makes you, well, normal.) And some people get their truck tricked just for football season. In case you were wondering, the Tail Gator? Not ours...yet.

96. Mascot violence.

95. Cursing Lee Corso's mere visage with every atom of our soul. It's become a hobby, really, with Corso transcending the merely loathed into a Cossell-ish place of hated necessity. This year's bonus: wondering out loud during games if the shield-faced, unbelievably tanned announcer has in fact had an eyelift.

94. Drunk people. Sometimes they give you hot dogs and beer; sometimes they throw cinderblocks at your car. Either way, they're rarely boring and come in ample supply at a college football game. Being unpredictable and belligerent is sometimes entertainment enough for a visiting fan provided the tar and feathers don't come out. We're looking at you, Morgantown.

93. The roseate sunlight of dusk on the pine trees ringing the fringe of Memorial Stadium, Berkeley, California.

92. A hit so hard an audible "SHIT" can be heard from a sideline bystander on the mike. God bless the lack of delay on sports broadcasts, because that only echoes what every viewer on the couch is saying out loud to themselves and their impressionable, innocent children.

91. Ay Ziggy Zoomba!

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Many years later, I am suddenly dissapointed that Bowling Green didn’t send the band down for one of those Gene Stallings 21-10 non-conference snore-fests at Legion Field.

by dixiehack on Aug 31, 2006 11:56 AM EDT reply actions

He’s at the 100…the 90…the 80…the 70…Orson could go all the way!

by ohiodawg on Aug 31, 2006 12:05 PM EDT reply actions

Damn you and your Bowling Green love…

Once, I nearly got into a drunken brawl with the BGSU Falcon..

I still hate that fuckin’ bird

condensed version of that story located here:
http://secjorts.blogspot.com/2006/08/get-to-know-me-urban-meyer.html

by Chris on Aug 31, 2006 12:10 PM EDT reply actions

That Badger got PWNED

by Corey on Aug 31, 2006 12:10 PM EDT reply actions

On the hour? No wonder you’re too busy to IM.

Hrmpf.

by The Conscience of a Nation on Aug 31, 2006 12:12 PM EDT reply actions

I’m going to see Minnesota at Kent State tonight! Dix stadium might be over half filled and they’re selling 1$ daught beers till half time. Football Christmas Fuck yeah ….

fuck yeah

by Steve on Aug 31, 2006 12:18 PM EDT reply actions

Shit, I gotta get me to Kent State!

by Bullfrog on Aug 31, 2006 12:21 PM EDT reply actions

$1 “daught” beers at a college football game?
Fuck yeah indeed…
If that ever happened at a SEC night game, there would be at least 20,000 cases of alcohol poisoning…before the second quarter.

Maker’s Mark + 4-3 Defense = Heaven

by AUAlum on Aug 31, 2006 12:22 PM EDT reply actions

I went to the wrong MAC school apparently. We had to do our drinkin’ before the game at Central…or sneak it in. I usually did both.

by Chris on Aug 31, 2006 12:24 PM EDT reply actions

And we’re looking right back at you Orson.

by Johnny on Aug 31, 2006 12:28 PM EDT reply actions

Sweatin’ beer, most likely. That’s why we admire you.

by Orson Swindle on Aug 31, 2006 12:36 PM EDT reply actions

And then we get the news that PSU is banning alcohol in the parking lots DURING games (not before, not after, just during) -

They want to discourage people from going to the tailgates just to drink (and meet up with friends, eat, network, enjoy the atmosphere, etc) and not go to the game.

Suddenly those rules to shorten the games don’t seem as horrible…

When the revolution comes, college bureaucrats will be first to go.

by PSUgirl on Aug 31, 2006 12:50 PM EDT reply actions

Oh, there’s no “most lilely” about it. And we admire you for, well just about everything. Thanks for making football a little more fun.

by Johnny on Aug 31, 2006 1:03 PM EDT reply actions

Football Chirstmas….hell finally fu** yeah! I swear to God, if kickoff doesn’t happen soon, I am going to go bat shit crazy!

by Mike on Aug 31, 2006 1:57 PM EDT reply actions

As a prelude to Ole Miss’ upset of Florida in 2002 (name redacted’s first year) Florida cheerleaders attempted to run their flag through the middle of the end zone in front of the student section despite being warned not to otherwise. The result was a full-on male cheerleader brawl, which gave the crowd a much-needed wake-up call. The game was the 11 a.m. CBS game. If anyone has the footage of that, I desperately need to see it.

by rebelfan on Aug 31, 2006 3:19 PM EDT reply actions

Speaking of tricked out trucks…

http://www.4vradvl.com/id29.htm

I fully expect a barrage of mockery but I don’t give a damn because GAMEDAY IS FINALLY HERE! No official line has been given, but I’d expect something like NAU+67.5. And, as always with the Sun Devils, take the over.

by Big Jon on Aug 31, 2006 4:00 PM EDT reply actions

While the Fuckeye/Spartan fight was hilarious…

Nothing compares to UGA V attempting to take a chunk out of Robert Baker after a touchdown catch during the 1996 Auburn/Georgia game, which coicidentally was the first time OT was played in the SEC.

by Jason on Aug 31, 2006 4:15 PM EDT reply actions

That brought a tear to my eye, Man, I’m jonesin’ for some college football.

by Cruzer on Aug 31, 2006 5:28 PM EDT reply actions

Come now… I think we’ve moved past the taring and the feathering. It’s really just too much work after a day of drinnking, eating, walking, drinking, football, shaking porta-poties when opposing fans enter, drinking, pouring beer over the heads of those dumb enough to go into the student section, reliving in vivid detail the highs and (many, many) lows of being a Mountaineer fan, drinking, and throwing bottles/batteries/golf balls on the field (note: I did not say bags of urine – THAT was Miami. Ass holes).

by CouchBurnin'Girl on Aug 31, 2006 6:26 PM EDT reply actions