Via Nestor at Bruins Nation, we bring you the single most disturbed ex-communications major to ever drop out of school and decide that the path to salvation lies in working at the Smoothie King by day and filming oddball commentator fantasies in his parents’ basement at night: Hugh Johnson, whose name sounds about as legitimate as “Orson Swindle” or “Bronco Mendenhall.”*

Though you may cringe at first, we guarantee that by the third viewing the hard-drivin’ Survivor soundtrack, bizarre fantasy sequences, and ill-fitting suit will have you green with envy that Hugh Johnson isn’t hard at work wondering on camera if your coach will BRING DOWN THE WHAMMY!!! This, in case you don’t already know, is the new phrase of the season that all the beautiful people are using. Live it. Love it. Be it.

*We know he says that’s his real name. That’s because he is a liar. No one is named that anywhere in the whole wide world.