WE THINK HE’S A GENIUS, AT LEAST.
Via Nestor at Bruins Nation, we bring you the single most disturbed ex-communications major to ever drop out of school and decide that the path to salvation lies in working at the Smoothie King by day and filming oddball commentator fantasies in his parents’ basement at night: Hugh Johnson, whose name sounds about as legitimate as “Orson Swindle” or “Bronco Mendenhall.”*
Though you may cringe at first, we guarantee that by the third viewing the hard-drivin’ Survivor soundtrack, bizarre fantasy sequences, and ill-fitting suit will have you green with envy that Hugh Johnson isn’t hard at work wondering on camera if your coach will BRING DOWN THE WHAMMY!!! This, in case you don’t already know, is the new phrase of the season that all the beautiful people are using. Live it. Love it. Be it.
*We know he says that’s his real name. That’s because he is a liar. No one is named that anywhere in the whole wide world.
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1
Mike says:
So the real Orson Swindle is using a fake name, too?
August 30th, 2006 at 12:03 pm
2
BuckeyeDan says:
Is there a raccoon stuck to the back of his head?
August 30th, 2006 at 12:03 pm
3
boifromtroy says:
“8ClapSports” sounds like a really bad disease…
Or maybe a reference to the fact it’s been 8 years since UCLA beat USC?
August 30th, 2006 at 12:10 pm
4
Orson Swindle says:
Some of the scenes in that video do look like syphilitic hallucinations, Boi.
August 30th, 2006 at 12:11 pm
5
Oren Incandenza says:
It looks like he borrowed some of the “special” effects from the Appalachian State AV department. Also, any idea what he’s holding as he uses his “whammy” catchphrase?
August 30th, 2006 at 12:28 pm
6
Doug says:
You forgot to mention that, at times, the audio/visual synchronization is every bit as bad as the worst low-budget Japanese kung-fu movie you’ve ever seen.
Just out of curiosity, has anyone ever seen this weirdo and the “nice pick” guy from the UConn ad in the same room together?
August 30th, 2006 at 12:29 pm
7
dragonash says:
Was that mustard on that sausage or was just glad to see me?
August 30th, 2006 at 12:36 pm
8
Bruins Fan says:
That was pretty bad. That was like early Fox Sports Net right there.
Oh well, it’s not as embarassing as a Tennessee or Notre Dame tailgate party and it’s definitley not as embarassing some of the off field antics of a certain cardinal and gold team.
August 30th, 2006 at 12:54 pm
9
Rex Cramer says:
At least our embarrassments are off the field, bRuins Fan. 66-19.
August 30th, 2006 at 1:37 pm
10
okhrana says:
Good lord!
August 30th, 2006 at 1:42 pm
11
Phil K. says:
I thought he said ACrapSports.com. It’d be funnier if he did.
August 30th, 2006 at 1:53 pm
12
Rome says:
I always liked Haywood Jablowme.
This guy reminds me of Jerry on Lucky Louie.
August 30th, 2006 at 2:31 pm
13
KarlHungus says:
So. Confused.
August 30th, 2006 at 3:13 pm
14
kevin says:
Dude what the fuck?
August 30th, 2006 at 3:21 pm
15
DC Trojan says:
Fascinating. It makes me think of the wise words of my aged parents, “Don’t mock the afflicted.”
(Less a question of compassion than of being unsure of their likely reaction, it turned out.)
August 30th, 2006 at 4:22 pm
16
Jackwraith says:
“Hi! I’m a huge tool! And this is my co-host, Hugh Jass!”
August 30th, 2006 at 4:27 pm
17
marty says:
Actually a hard-drivin’ Night Ranger soundtrack. That doesn’t make it any better, though.
August 30th, 2006 at 5:03 pm
18
someguysomewhere says:
*We know he says that’s his real name. That’s because he is a liar. No one is named that anywhere in the whole wide world.
Not the case, I actually had a history prof named Hugh Johnston in university.
http://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&c2coff=1&id=Jo9ODpHHUhYC&oi=fnd&pg=PP9&sig=7QtTFD34quY3WXFywGqJc0Lwb0g&dq=%22Johnston%22+%22The+Voyage+of+the+Komagata+Maru:+The+Sikh+Challenge+to+…%22+&prev=http://scholar.google.com/scholar%3Fq%3Dauthor:%2522Johnston%2522%2Bintitle:%2522The%2BVoyage%2Bof%2Bthe%2BKomagata%2BMaru:%2BThe%2BSikh%2BChallenge%2Bto%2B…%2522%2B%26hl%3Den%26lr%3D%26c2coff%3D1
August 30th, 2006 at 5:31 pm
19
scittles says:
There is no doubt, that is a trOJan in Bruin clothing. Only they could be in such poor taste.
August 30th, 2006 at 6:00 pm
20
Cruzer says:
I want my 2 minutes and 27 seconds back.
August 30th, 2006 at 6:12 pm
21
Ank says:
that must have been a parody. it must have…
August 30th, 2006 at 6:42 pm
22
BG says:
Actually there is a former FTC Commissioner named Orson Swindle. He’s an attorney at Hunton and Williams.
http://www.hunton.com/bios/bio.aspx?id=16727
August 30th, 2006 at 7:04 pm
23
David says:
For what its worth, “8 Clap” is a reference to a cheer at UCLA.
Still an embarassment. Then again, there’s a lot of “fan sites/blogs’ that are pretty bad as well.
David
UCLA Alum ‘06
August 30th, 2006 at 7:07 pm
24
DevilGrad says:
The obscurity of Orson’s pseudonym was one of the first signs I had of his brilliance. (I worked at the FTC for a summer when I was in law school and actually recognized the name.)
I’m less sure that I’ve run across the real-life Stranko Montana, but, then again, who watches the credits at the end of those things anyway?
August 30th, 2006 at 7:13 pm
25
Bruins Fan says:
” At least our embarrassments are off the field, bRuins Fan. 66-19. ”
Wow. You are an idiot. I rather get blown out in a game then root for a “school” that has the embarassing thugs that your “school” has.
August 30th, 2006 at 7:41 pm
26
CLTDawg says:
Am I seeing things or was there a huge KRAFT logo stamped on that clowndick’s forehead?
August 30th, 2006 at 8:55 pm
27
DumpDorrell.com says:
could he be any gayer?
August 30th, 2006 at 8:59 pm
28
oc phil says:
Hey Bruins fan….embarassing thugs do things like beat up some innocent bystander in a Denny’s for “using a laptop computer and being a nerd” or get into fights at house parties or get drunk and roll an SUV and wander off leaving a woman with a broken neck in the wreckage.
What about those Fulmer cup standings? I see UCLA on the board with a thuggish 4 points while USC ends up with a grand total of zero. As a certain radio personality would say, “scoreboard”.
To those who think that site is a USC spoof, I’m afraid not. Go read Bruins Nation or some of the other UCLA blogs out there and you will recognize the type (not all UCLA fans are like that of course, but there do seem to be some whacked out ones on the net).
I swear, it is embarassing having these people in the same city sometimes.
August 31st, 2006 at 2:54 am
29
Bjorn Randolph says:
As far as the fake name debate goes, seriously, has no one here ever heard of Hugh Johnson the wine commentator? Really? He might be the most famous wine critic in the world.
August 31st, 2006 at 3:51 am
30
Doug says:
Wow. You are an idiot. I rather get blown out in a game then root for a “school” that has the embarassing thugs that your “school” has.
All due respect, nobody in the history of college football who has ever uttered that phrase has actually meant it. It’s like the “But we can still be friends” of trash-talk.
August 31st, 2006 at 8:19 am
31
Orson Swindle says:
Bjorn, Hugh’s been in a death match with Robert Parker for the past two decades for that title, and we think Parker’s had him in an unbreakable arm bar for the past seven or so.
August 31st, 2006 at 8:34 am
32
Cap says:
I think he said something about “bringing the national championship back to UCLA.” Interesting, since UCLA has never won a football title.
August 31st, 2006 at 11:38 am
33
Cap says:
My bad, I guess they did win one back in 1954, it was a split championship though…
August 31st, 2006 at 12:04 pm
34
Mike says:
Hugh Johnson and UCLA is HOT, HOT, HOT!
August 31st, 2006 at 1:33 pm
35
Joe says:
I’ve watched this video a few times now – the guy has grown on me – denying that it’s funny at this point would be a complete lie. I’d be proud to have you at my school Hugh.
September 1st, 2006 at 11:26 pm
36
Displaced Trojan says:
Are we sure this isn’t Petros Papadakis under that toupee?
September 11th, 2006 at 6:16 pm