WE THINK HE'S A GENIUS, AT LEAST.
by Orson on Aug 30, 2006 11:59 AM EDT
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PrintVia Nestor at Bruins Nation, we bring you the single most disturbed ex-communications major to ever drop out of school and decide that the path to salvation lies in working at the Smoothie King by day and filming oddball commentator fantasies in his parents' basement at night: Hugh Johnson, whose name sounds about as legitimate as "Orson Swindle" or "Bronco Mendenhall."*
Though you may cringe at first, we guarantee that by the third viewing the hard-drivin' Survivor soundtrack, bizarre fantasy sequences, and ill-fitting suit will have you green with envy that Hugh Johnson isn't hard at work wondering on camera if your coach will BRING DOWN THE WHAMMY!!! This, in case you don't already know, is the new phrase of the season that all the beautiful people are using. Live it. Love it. Be it.
*We know he says that's his real name. That's because he is a liar. No one is named that anywhere in the whole wide world.
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So the real Orson Swindle is using a fake name, too?
by Mike on Aug 30, 2006 12:03 PM EDT reply actions
Is there a raccoon stuck to the back of his head?
by BuckeyeDan on Aug 30, 2006 12:03 PM EDT reply actions
“8ClapSports” sounds like a really bad disease…
Or maybe a reference to the fact it’s been 8 years since UCLA beat USC?
by boifromtroy on Aug 30, 2006 12:10 PM EDT reply actions
Some of the scenes in that video do look like syphilitic hallucinations, Boi.
by Orson Swindle on Aug 30, 2006 12:11 PM EDT reply actions
It looks like he borrowed some of the “special” effects from the Appalachian State AV department. Also, any idea what he’s holding as he uses his “whammy” catchphrase?
by Oren Incandenza on Aug 30, 2006 12:28 PM EDT reply actions
You forgot to mention that, at times, the audio/visual synchronization is every bit as bad as the worst low-budget Japanese kung-fu movie you’ve ever seen.
Just out of curiosity, has anyone ever seen this weirdo and the “nice pick” guy from the UConn ad in the same room together?
by Doug on Aug 30, 2006 12:29 PM EDT reply actions
Was that mustard on that sausage or was just glad to see me?
by dragonash on Aug 30, 2006 12:36 PM EDT reply actions
That was pretty bad. That was like early Fox Sports Net right there.
Oh well, it’s not as embarassing as a Tennessee or Notre Dame tailgate party and it’s definitley not as embarassing some of the off field antics of a certain cardinal and gold team.
by Bruins Fan on Aug 30, 2006 12:54 PM EDT reply actions
At least our embarrassments are off the field, bRuins Fan. 66-19.
by Rex Cramer on Aug 30, 2006 1:37 PM EDT reply actions
I thought he said ACrapSports.com. It’d be funnier if he did.
by Phil K. on Aug 30, 2006 1:53 PM EDT reply actions
I always liked Haywood Jablowme.
This guy reminds me of Jerry on Lucky Louie.
by Rome on Aug 30, 2006 2:31 PM EDT reply actions
Fascinating. It makes me think of the wise words of my aged parents, “Don’t mock the afflicted.”
(Less a question of compassion than of being unsure of their likely reaction, it turned out.)
by DC Trojan on Aug 30, 2006 4:22 PM EDT reply actions
“Hi! I’m a huge tool! And this is my co-host, Hugh Jass!”
by Jackwraith on Aug 30, 2006 4:27 PM EDT reply actions
Actually a hard-drivin’ Night Ranger soundtrack. That doesn’t make it any better, though.
by marty on Aug 30, 2006 5:03 PM EDT reply actions
*We know he says that’s his real name. That’s because he is a liar. No one is named that anywhere in the whole wide world.
Not the case, I actually had a history prof named Hugh Johnston in university.
http://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&c2coff=1&id=Jo9ODpHHUhYC&oi=fnd&pg=PP9&sig=7QtTFD34quY3WXFywGqJc0Lwb0g&dq=%22Johnston%22+%22The+Voyage+of+the+Komagata+Maru:+The+Sikh+Challenge+to+…%22+&prev=http://scholar.google.com/scholar%3Fq%3Dauthor:%2522Johnston%2522%2Bintitle:%2522The%2BVoyage%2Bof%2Bthe%2BKomagata%2BMaru:%2BThe%2BSikh%2BChallenge%2Bto%2B…%2522%2B%26hl%3Den%26lr%3D%26c2coff%3D1
by someguysomewhere on Aug 30, 2006 5:31 PM EDT reply actions
There is no doubt, that is a trOJan in Bruin clothing. Only they could be in such poor taste.
by scittles on Aug 30, 2006 6:00 PM EDT reply actions
Actually there is a former FTC Commissioner named Orson Swindle. He’s an attorney at Hunton and Williams.
by BG on Aug 30, 2006 7:04 PM EDT reply actions
For what its worth, “8 Clap” is a reference to a cheer at UCLA.
Still an embarassment. Then again, there’s a lot of "fan sites/blogs’ that are pretty bad as well. :-(
David
UCLA Alum ’06
by David on Aug 30, 2006 7:07 PM EDT reply actions
The obscurity of Orson’s pseudonym was one of the first signs I had of his brilliance. (I worked at the FTC for a summer when I was in law school and actually recognized the name.)
I’m less sure that I’ve run across the real-life Stranko Montana, but, then again, who watches the credits at the end of those things anyway?
by DevilGrad on Aug 30, 2006 7:13 PM EDT reply actions
" At least our embarrassments are off the field, bRuins Fan. 66-19. "
Wow. You are an idiot. I rather get blown out in a game then root for a “school” that has the embarassing thugs that your “school” has.
by Bruins Fan on Aug 30, 2006 7:41 PM EDT reply actions
Am I seeing things or was there a huge KRAFT logo stamped on that clowndick’s forehead?
by CLTDawg on Aug 30, 2006 8:55 PM EDT reply actions
Hey Bruins fan….embarassing thugs do things like beat up some innocent bystander in a Denny’s for “using a laptop computer and being a nerd” or get into fights at house parties or get drunk and roll an SUV and wander off leaving a woman with a broken neck in the wreckage.
What about those Fulmer cup standings? I see UCLA on the board with a thuggish 4 points while USC ends up with a grand total of zero. As a certain radio personality would say, “scoreboard”.
To those who think that site is a USC spoof, I’m afraid not. Go read Bruins Nation or some of the other UCLA blogs out there and you will recognize the type (not all UCLA fans are like that of course, but there do seem to be some whacked out ones on the net).
I swear, it is embarassing having these people in the same city sometimes.
by oc phil on Aug 31, 2006 2:54 AM EDT reply actions
As far as the fake name debate goes, seriously, has no one here ever heard of Hugh Johnson the wine commentator? Really? He might be the most famous wine critic in the world.
by Bjorn Randolph on Aug 31, 2006 3:51 AM EDT reply actions
Wow. You are an idiot. I rather get blown out in a game then root for a "school" that has the embarassing thugs that your "school" has.
All due respect, nobody in the history of college football who has ever uttered that phrase has actually meant it. It’s like the “But we can still be friends” of trash-talk.
by Doug on Aug 31, 2006 8:19 AM EDT reply actions
Bjorn, Hugh’s been in a death match with Robert Parker for the past two decades for that title, and we think Parker’s had him in an unbreakable arm bar for the past seven or so.
by Orson Swindle on Aug 31, 2006 8:34 AM EDT reply actions
I think he said something about “bringing the national championship back to UCLA.” Interesting, since UCLA has never won a football title.
by Cap on Aug 31, 2006 11:38 AM EDT reply actions
My bad, I guess they did win one back in 1954, it was a split championship though…
by Cap on Aug 31, 2006 12:04 PM EDT reply actions
I’ve watched this video a few times now – the guy has grown on me – denying that it’s funny at this point would be a complete lie. I’d be proud to have you at my school Hugh.
by Joe on Sep 1, 2006 11:26 PM EDT reply actions
Are we sure this isn’t Petros Papadakis under that toupee?
by Displaced Trojan on Sep 11, 2006 6:16 PM EDT reply actions
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