FOOTBALL ADVENT: ALL HAIL THE SAFETY
by Orson on Aug 28, 2006 1:57 PM EDT
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PrintIn nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti.
Amen
Even as we welcome you today, dear parishioners, we must ask ourselves if you are prepared for what lies ahead of you. Are you truly focused on the task of watching 12, perhaps even 16 hours of football a week? Are you ready to lie, weasel, cheat, and shave time off other important activities to rush home and watch the Thursday night Nevada/Fresno State game, like basic hygiene, income-generating activities, or even time with your significant other?
Of course you are. And as we prepare to neglect family, work, and yes, even the proper flossing of one's teeth for the next five months in order to satisfy the need--nay! the holy lust for football, let us praise one of its most noble denizens, a position so forceful, so destructive his very name is a mockery of his actual role on the field: the safety.
The safety: anything but safe.
Let us reserve today's words of faith and praise for the safety. He strikes without warning, stealing passes from the air with outstretched hands; he concusses without mercy, running headlong into receivers like a thrown boulder; he leaps into piles without forethought and stuffs runs with the frenzy of a dying animal. He is the safety and he is concerned about nothing resembling his name, the man who gets the longest running start on any play in which to gear up speed and power abundant enough to knock third grade out of a player's skull.
Let him be praised, in his order;
Laron Landry. He who is superbly named also runs like a third corner in the defensive backfield, whipping across elegantly designed pass sets like an eraser to intercept, break up, and other short-circuit the best-laid plans of SEC offensive coordinators. A negator of the first rank, Landry moves like the Snitch in Harry Potter but hits like a bludger, the picture of what we make our safeties at The University of Hell like in NCAA 2007: 99s across the board.
Kevin Ellison, USC: He who has not played down one one full year yet of college football and will undoubtedly play out of position to the tune of several enormous plays against the Trojans this year, since safeties hand out Hammurabi-esque punishment but take it as well in the form of long pass plays and runs made against them. Being the last line of defense has its drawbacks, too, since you're it before six points and a stadium full of whiskey-charged and very unhappy fans. Yet Ellison bears mention for this reason: he's a freshman sophomore with a chance to start at a position where freshman sophomores playing their first full year, dammit have thrived in the past on the basis of unlimited potential and athleticism overcoming the mistakes their green brains lead them into on the field. Ellison represents just that: potential in all its forms, nasty and magnificent, from the improbably swooping pick he might make in the clutch to the play-action TD he watches from his heels late in a crucial game. He's playing a heritage position at a heritage school, and he's one of the most agonizing and compelling things about collegiate athletics: boundless, unproven potential about to be put on the spot in grand fashion. Speaking of improbable picks...
Michael Griffin. Displayed the full range of physical possibilities in 2005 as a starting safety for the Longhorns. Imitated Nureyev with a delicate tiptoe of the foot in bounds on the game-changing INT against USC, a play so improbable it was initially ruled an incomplete pass by slow-eyed officials before being overturned on replay. Aped George "the Animal" Steele on countless brutal hits, including many of the Waterboy variety. Rounded out the physical repertoire by plucking a ball juggled off the hands of an Oklahoma receiver as he lay on the ground for a pick. This video really illustrates Griffin's capacity for kinetic mayhem better than we can, though this stat comes close: against hated rival Texas A&M, Griffin logged 23 tackles, which is three more than the entire Aggie team had in 2005.
Michael Griffin. He's the guy with the ball who's not supposed to have it here.
Tom Zbikowski, Notre Dame. Living proof that Polish people can fucking fly if properly motivated. Something burns within Zbikowski, and we're guessing it's pure, undying rage, since playing football evidently isn't enough to contain his fury. Yes, Zibby boxes. And plays special teams. And gets sewn into burlap bags with badgers and thrown down stairs for fun. Zbikowski keys the Notre Dame defense, which is a term for "we're not sure who these other guys are, but damn that one dude is castrating people down there." At the risk of saying this out loud and earning an ass-beating from a professional, Tommy Z. must play even larger and faster than he did in '05 for the Notre Dame defense. Nine tackles is his career high, and despite the pub and ooh-ahhing from the ladies Zibby remains less of a true safety and more of a corner playing free agent in the backfield.(Though he's certainly got linebacker 'tude in spades.) Boundless potential playing in a defense that needs boundless improvement, especially in the pass defense department, plus smaller linebackers in front of him means Zbikowski's numbers should balloon this season.
Reggie Nelson. The tragedy of watching Reggie Nelson play corner has narrowly been avoided at Florida: transfer Ryan Smith has stepped in, allowing the dreaded, jack-jawing, smack-talking, helmet-spearing Nelson to return to what he does best: everything. Our man-crush is reaching its apex with Nelson, but could mutate to planetary size if Nelson's flashes of potential-read the cruise-missile hit he put on Mohammed Massaquoi in the Cocktail Party--come to fruition in 2006.
Dreaded in multiple ways: Reggie Nelson.
Let the safety be praised!
Ite, missa est. Deo Gratias, football fans. Three days and counting.
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I don’t think they have whiskey-charged fans at USC; they are probably full of Zima, gin and Alyssa Milano.
by AUAlum on Aug 28, 2006 2:19 PM EDT reply actions
I can’t believe you included that picture of Reggie Brown on the ground after the cheao hit by Junior “Wunderlic” Rosegreen.
As if the hit wasn’t bad enough, he felt the need to yank his helmet off (on the field, with no penalty) and celebrate.
At least the Auburn fans were classy enough to start a “Reg-gie” chant and give him a standing “O” as he left the field.
When that hit happened, I almost threw up all over my living room floor. The way Reggie’s body went limp and how he didn’t move when he hit the field….I though I had just watched a Bulldawg die. Scary as shit.
by Darkknight on Aug 28, 2006 2:30 PM EDT reply actions
As we’re talking about the safety, shouldn’t there be some sort of dance involved?
by andrew on Aug 28, 2006 2:46 PM EDT reply actions
ah yes. the position that i would play, were i not a 135 lbs, uncoordinated, limp-wristed dork.
i bet i would have been great though.
by adam on Aug 28, 2006 2:47 PM EDT reply actions
Whenever you write one of these posts I am stunned all over again to realize that I did not, in fact, marry a fellow WASP.
You can take the girl out of sola scriptura…
by The Conscience of a Nation on Aug 28, 2006 2:55 PM EDT reply actions
Oh, please. There wasn’t a single “dirty” thing about the Rosegreen hit. It was a full-speed, head-up collision, nothing more—not that the facts ever stopped Georgia fans from whining after a butt-kicking.
Dawgies spent years lauding the hitting of Greg Blue, who never once in his college career made a tackle that wasn’t a full-on helmet-first spear. Hypocrisy, thy name is Uga.
by Flibbetigibbet on Aug 28, 2006 2:58 PM EDT reply actions
As Football Advent winds down, Wednesday must be Football Season Eve.
by Bob Hyde on Aug 28, 2006 3:04 PM EDT reply actions
Nonsequitor that no one else every thinks is as funny as I do, but Orson’s Catholic bit there made me remember it. Remember teaching foreign exchange students obscenties and how funny it was? We tried teaching our Belgian exchange student friend the ol’, “Got any Belgian in you, want some?” pick-up line at a wedding. He wanted to know exactly why that was funny, and the closest we could get him to understand was that I have Irish blood, my buddy had Japanese blood, so he had Belgian blood, and then there was the double entendre to make it just friggin’ hi-larious. Bolstered by this knowledge, he goes up to one of the bride’s hottie sorority sisters and goes, “Do you want my Beglian blood on you?” We were asked to leave the party.
by Bullfrog on Aug 28, 2006 3:16 PM EDT reply actions
“Knock third grade out of his skull”
Another brilliant line. Bravo.
Somewhere out there, Leon Jackson waits (and us Husker fans sob).
by Lazer on Aug 28, 2006 3:42 PM EDT reply actions
Dear eight pound, 6 ounce baby Jesus, in your gold-plated fleece diaper, watching your Baby Einstein developmental, please bestow your blessing upon this upcoming football season. As stipluated in my contract with Powerade, I must mention them at every grace, and I would like to say I can wait for the coming of their newest flavor, Mystic Mountain Berry, because Powerade is so very good. It quenches your thirst on a hot day and is just awesome.
by irishoutsider on Aug 28, 2006 3:43 PM EDT reply actions
Orson, are you going to the gtame on Saturday? If so, where’s a good tailgating spot?
by Wooderson on Aug 28, 2006 3:45 PM EDT reply actions
Actually, Ellison is a sophomore who played a lot last year before tearing his knee against ASU.
His big pick against Sam Keller helped seal the win for the Trojans.
by HP on Aug 28, 2006 3:52 PM EDT reply actions
Are you ready to lie, weasel, cheat, and shave time off other important activities to rush home and watch the Thursday night Nevada/Fresno State game, like basic hygiene, income-generating activities, or even time with your significant other?
Isn’t the Nevada game on Friday night? Like the Latin beginning, b.t.w.
by David on Aug 28, 2006 4:11 PM EDT reply actions
The SC/Miss State game is Thursday night.
by Orson Swindle on Aug 28, 2006 4:20 PM EDT reply actions
“not that the facts ever stopped Georgia fans from whining after a butt-kicking.
Hypocrisy, thy name is Uga."
An aub accusing any other fanbase of being whiny and a hypocritical is like Rosie O’Donnell calling someone a fatass dyke.
Pot, meet kettle.
PDL
by Pat Dye's Liver on Aug 28, 2006 4:21 PM EDT reply actions
There may be games (go Temple!) on Thursday – but it’s like when your aunt comes to visit and you get to open 1 gift – it’s not really Christmas – not until Saturday.
by PSUgirl on Aug 28, 2006 4:23 PM EDT reply actions
Zima?! I’m offended! Nothing but Boone’s Farm for me in South Central…
by Meds on Aug 28, 2006 4:28 PM EDT reply actions
Why watch terrible Fresno/Nevada match up when you can watch SC/Miss St. I suppose you can watch both simultaneously if you have the proper gear. Or do what I do and have both games on the jump button and pray there are no simultaneous commercial runs to ruin your viewing pleasure.
by Oletex98 on Aug 28, 2006 4:44 PM EDT reply actions
Orson, Why do you consider it the Football Advent and not the Football Lent? I would go with Lent since it is right before the Resurrection and is a season of penance. Besides we could give up meat on Friday as an offering for a great college football season.
Oremus,
TideInTx
by TideInTx on Aug 28, 2006 5:47 PM EDT reply actions
orson, glad to hear you’re a mackerel-snapping anarchist too
by NDTom on Aug 28, 2006 5:48 PM EDT reply actions
My guess is that Michael Griffin probably won’t get as much action as Aaron Weathers of North Texas will on Saturday. Of course, as luck would have it, North Texas at Texas (which marks the start of coverage of CFB this season on British satellite TV) kicks off at the same time as England vs Andorra in the Euro 2008 soccer championship qualifiers. By about 11:45am EST the results of both games should no longer be in any doubt but I just hope I that it’s worth staying awake until apprx 3:00am British to watch the conclusion of Utah at UCLA.
Alea iacta est! (Well, almost…)
by Mighty Squirrel Kingdom on Aug 28, 2006 5:49 PM EDT reply actions
Re 27: it’s a tough call, but since Christmas is the begining of the liturgical year looked forward to with great expectation it makes more sense. Also Football Lent would be the period between the end of the regular season and the bowl games, since it is the time when we prepare ourselves for the fulfilment of the promises made by the football gods and the most important celebration of the year.
by NDTom on Aug 28, 2006 5:51 PM EDT reply actions
Here’s the video clip of the still picture up top where Junior Rosegreen tried to break Reggie Brown’s soul.
by BIGMIKE on Aug 28, 2006 6:23 PM EDT reply actions
I agree with PSU girl on the Aunt analogy. Actually, since they ain’t my teams but get to have fun anyways, maybe it’s more like seeing the Jewish kids across the street open up a Hanukah present.
Anybody have a video link for any Owen Schmitt stuff to balance out against the safeties?
by dogtown gator on Aug 28, 2006 6:30 PM EDT reply actions
In response for your excessively frequent showing of that despicable spearing, it would be greatly appreciated by a large portion of your readership if you showed the kids what a clean, technically proper tackle looks like. Remember, it’s all about the kids.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QzowiTndq7s&mode=related&search
by Mr. Egger on Aug 28, 2006 7:02 PM EDT reply actions
It woulda been nice if Junior could have knocked third grade out of Reggie’s head and into his own…Junior’s IQ would have shot up about 50 points in that instance.
As it was, he was JADAB.
by Pat Dye's Liver on Aug 28, 2006 7:26 PM EDT reply actions
OK, everyone pleae watch the YouTube link to Rosegreen’s hit. It shows in in slo-mo and from two or three angles.
There is no way in hell that’s a clean hit. None. And, again, watch Junior celebrate with his helmet off in the middle of the field.
by Darkknight on Aug 28, 2006 7:54 PM EDT reply actions
Florida has by far the best defense down the middle of the field:
Exhibit A. Defensive tackle Marcus Thomas. 300lbs of pure bad ass. #44. He jumped over the pile against Florida State, blocking an early FG attempt which Reggie Lewis picked up for an easy 6 going the other way. Fear him.
Exhibit B. Middle linebacker Brandon Siler. Recall that Miss State QB that took Siler head-on trying to get out of the endzone? Bad move, little man. 7 fumble recoveries means he’s ALWAYS ON THE BALL. I think he’s hiding an extended family from Bangladesh in his neck.
Exhibit C. Safety Reggie Freakin’ Nelson. On a defense loaded with stars, he is the best of the bunch. We’ll need him back there due to (1) the magical, mysterious dissapearing act of Kyle Jackson after a really good freshman year and (2) lack of depth at the corner spot(s). He’s up to a hundred ways of kicking your ass.
Is it Saturday yet?
by DHC on Aug 28, 2006 8:46 PM EDT reply actions
One of my favorite Zbikoswki plays:
http://www.buckeyecommentary.com/videos/videos.html
click on 2006 Fiesta Bowl, realize why ND is OVERRATED
by OnionBag on Aug 28, 2006 9:09 PM EDT reply actions
One of my favorite Zbikoswki plays:
http://www.buckeyecommentary.com/videos/videos.html
that one’s for you ND and your OVERRATED FOOSBALL TEAM!!!
by OnionBag on Aug 28, 2006 9:12 PM EDT reply actions
i can’t stand the canes..but their two safeties might be the best two in the nation..why no mention?
by Gator hardcorde fane on Aug 28, 2006 9:23 PM EDT reply actions
So NDTom: If football Lent is before the bowl games, then would “rivalry week” be college football Mardi Gras?
by jakldawg on Aug 28, 2006 10:12 PM EDT reply actions
No mention of SS Aaron Rouse of the Hokies? You just wait till the season is over and he is getting pub all over the place, not to mention that he is a guaranteed day one draft pick!
by matt on Aug 29, 2006 2:02 AM EDT reply actions
QUOTE: If football Lent is before the bowl games, then would "rivalry week" be college football Mardi Gras?
more likely Samedi Gras or Semaine Gras
by PSUgirl on Aug 29, 2006 8:29 AM EDT reply actions
I couldn’t give a good god damn about the South’s football rivalries, but that Reggie Brown hit was clearly spearing. Plus minus a billion style points for celebrating, helmet off, while the reciever was still laying on the ground, apparently unconcious.
Orson: Another fantastic article. Keep it coming!
by PAK on Aug 29, 2006 9:01 AM EDT reply actions
You are correct rite up the middle is a great spot in the Gator defense…….to split the safties and out run everyone for 6.
Are you on drugs????
by CHARLIE MURPHEY on Aug 30, 2006 7:39 AM EDT reply actions
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