Everyday Should Be Saturday

August 18, 2006

SOLICH GHB CASE TURNS INTO DORKFIGHT

Nothing today will top the WTF quotient of Maurice Clarett being bankrolled by the Israeli Mafia, but do take a moment to read about the dorkfight breaking out in the Frank Solich GHB/DUI case. Solich is pressing the case because he legitimately believes he was drugged that night at the bar; the state is pressing the case because that’s what the state does, dammit, a conviction fueled mostly by the officers’ reports that Solich “stank of alcohol” upon arrest. (HT: Devil Grad.)

White labcoats will be spattered with blood by the time this concludes, though. Shield your soul from the harsh language experts are using to poke holes in either side’s case:

“(The Solich hair test) definitely was not appropriately done,” testified Marinetti. “You have to be able to tell the difference between the ‘junk’ and the drug you’re interested in.”

“There is no evidence that they ran a calibration curve or ran controls,” Goldberger said.

No calibration curve? No controls? Translation from geekspeak into English: But I know somethin about you
You went to Cranbrook, that’s a private school.

Savagery, we tell you. Pure unadulterated savagery. But they wouldn’t go as far as questioning chain of custody, right? Only the nastiest expert forensic mc dares push that envelope. Wait…

Asked by prosecutor Eliason who conducted the testing, he replied, “I really can’t tell because there’s no chain of custody.”

No he di-uhnt!


Better get some toilet paper cause your lab protocols is butt.



Filed under: Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Mid Major Conferences, Uncategorized  by Orson Swindle

THE HORROR… THE HORROR

Old news by now, but still horrifying.  All time NFL and College great, Emmitt Smith will be dancing along side of Jerry Springer on ABC this season.  I guess he didn’t make enough money in the pros not to have to humiliate himself on national TV.  It is just too bad Leinart’s hold out didn’t last long enough to allow him to partake as well. 



Filed under: Not strictly college football, but funny  by Stranko Montana

WE’D LOVE TO STOP TALKING ABOUT CLARETT…

But we just can’t.  Especially not now that the WWL is reporting that Clarett was bankrolled by the Israeli mob since leaving the Buckeyes.  At least that is his lawyers reason for why he was armed more heavily than the sovereign Republic of Dee Webb.  From the “truth is stranger than fiction” department comes the tale that Clarett was introduced by a rapper friend to Hai Waknine, who prosecutors believe is a member of an Israeli crime organization called The Jerusalem Group.  He was then to be a part of a money laundering scheme which involved his rookie contract.  Ooops, he got cut and suddenly couldn’t hold up his end of the bargain.  Hence the assault weapons. 

You’re safer in here.



Filed under: Big 10 Conference, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri  by Stranko Montana

DAN HAWKINS WELLNESS CHALLENGE

Dan Hawkins–that’s likeability. He makes commercials about big men handling babies properly. He quotes Yoda and books about Zen Archery. He does all those “activities with purpose,” like jumping out of planes on his birthday, running with the bulls, and teaching marmosets how to read. He also looks like an enormous angry toddler on the sidelines, so he’s got that going for him. Which is nice.


The Anti-Barnett: likeable. Which is nice.

Hawkins adds to the pile of West Coast, spiritual-seeker, New Age likeability by putting forth his boldest suggestion yet: that coaches maintain some semblance of a healthy life. Hawkins has instituted a “wellness challenge” for his coaches, using a points system to reward coaches for positive behaviors. Cut, paste, read:

In Hawkins’ scoring system, points are awarded for weight lifting, cardiovascular work, proper diet, weight loss/weight gain. A lunch-hour workout time is built into the staff’s daily schedule, and even getting eight hours of sleep a night scores points.

Preposterous, we say! This goes against the fabric of all that is college football, unless you care to count Steve Spurrier’s “casual” business ethic as the exception. (Spurrier is famous for, of all things, actually working fifty hours in a week before the Sugar Bowl in 1997, equivalent to the total number of hours Nick Saban scheduled for scowling and watching film alone.) Coaches, especially

We propose the EDSBS “Snyder Scale,” named after Bill Snyder, the KSU coach famous for working his assistants so hard the highway patrol often came to the office with missing persons reports bearing the names fo the coaching staff. Points are awarded and deducted thusly:

–Minus one point for each hour of sleep you get a night.

–Plus five for each meal eaten out of a carton or box.

–Plus one for each 8 oz. coffee consumed during day.

–One point for each pound gained during season.

–Ten points for drunken, lonely rogering of lonely physical therapy student on desk in full view of fellow assistants and staff.

–Five points for jabbering, sleep-deprived tirade about players’ lack of effort and heart. Twenty points for delivering it not to players on the field, but to stunned students in an introductory biology class at 10:30 in the morning.

–Minus five points for remembering wife’s name.

–Minus five for remembering children’s name.

–Minus ten if wife or kids remember your name.

–Ten points if you consider Rodolfo, the janitorial assistant who cleans out the garbage at two a.m., your “closest friend and confidant.” Add another ten if this man does not speak English and is not named Rodolfo. Add a hundred if this man does not exist and is a hallucination brought on by fatigue and overuse of stimulants.


Snyder: the epitome of the Un-Wellness Challenge.



Filed under: Big 12 Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football  by Orson Swindle

©2008 EveryDayShouldBeSaturday.com - Privacy Policy
EDSBS is proudly powered by WordPress
The page was generated in 0.661 seconds with 25 queries.
Sevenpixels