We missed so much over the course of this busy week it’s shameful. But in a futile attempt to recoup some of the fine work and news we missed, please accept Friday’s linkhaul and YouTube bonus clip.

–Practice reports. God, please make the next 20 days evaporate.

–WTGW has an exclusive clip of Chan Gailey’s interview with James Lipton. The prime cut:

JL: We will now move to our quick questions as given by the students. What is your favorite play?

CCG: Run up the middle and then throw the ball out of bounds on two consecutive plays.

–Deshawn Wynn secured his reserved spot in Urban Meyer’s doghouse by missing two days of practice this week due to “a fever.” (First thought: “donut fever.”) He then made things much worse on himself by tacking on another point for an open container violation. As with most police blotter stories, it’s pure poetry:

Wynn probably didn’t help himself last week when he was cited by a Gainesville police officer for an open container violation. According to the citation, an officer spotted Wynn, 22, with an open 16-ounce Miller Lite bottle at 11:13 p.m. on Aug. 3 in a parking lot at 400 S. Main Street. Wynn is due in court Aug. 26 to answer to the misdemeanor charge.

A point for the Gators, of course, in the Fulmer Cup standings. Speaking of…

–We really couldn’t saddle poor SJSU with the entirety of Ellis T. Jones multiple, multiple crimes. So we just gave it all to Ellis, since by himself he’s scored a nation’s load of points:

It’s really the only fair thing to do. That kind of outstanding individual effort just can’t be coached.

–SIOnCampus.com’s got a lovely array of pics of Florida fans. Our personal favorites are the one where you can tell how infernally hot it actually is in the Swamp:

We’re coming to your party. Sweatin’ beer.

–ESPN ate ABCSports this week. Kanu’s thinking this is not good, we’re guessing, since describing anything as “shittastic” does not equal ringing endorsement.

–We used to have the recurring nightmare that we were Jason Bourne in that scene in The Bourne Supremacy where a horde of Marines is chasing him through an embassy and up to the roof. Now, thanks to the magic of YouTube, we have another: being caught in the middle of a brawl between Ole Miss and Miss State.

–Finally, the new server transfer is at last underway and rolling. Bandwidth, thy name is dedicated server. Thanks to all who donated and made this possible.

–Enjoy your weekend.

In case you missed it, Sylvester Croom dressed out and knocked heads on the line this week at Mississippi State. In uniform. On the field. With his team.

It’s difficult to discern whether this represents the action of a desperate man somehow seeking to seize the attention of kids who’ve done some serious, double-stank losing over the past two years…or just a guy having fun in practice. Or whether Croom’s traumatic two years in Starkville–the town you can’t spell without the word “stark”–have snapped him into quasi-psychotic state where he’s convinced that not only does he have eligibility left, but is in fact 23 years old and ready to go. They’re all possibilities, really.

Why he’s going to all this trouble when he could just destroy opponents with his voice is beyond us. That thing would rattle the bolts out of the USS New Jersey.

Sometimes hums just to fuck with the seismology department…at LSU.

Another great sign of impending football: that itch in the back of your throat. At this point, three weeks prior to the season, you may notice it as just an itch, a little tickle. Next week, you should recognize it as a definite hint at thirst. By the third week, just days away from the first kickoff, you will experience a definite, raging thirst. Additional symptoms may include:

–involuntary curling of your favored hand into a C-shape, as if it were already holding a drink.

–Delusional behavior, including the purchase of foam sleeves known as “coozies” in quantities far exceeding need.

–A sudden susceptibility to suggestion. This symptom usually manifests itself in the notion that despite drinking beer regularly, you may date models, flash perfect six-pack abs, and encounter spontaneous parties full of beautiful people who all want to get down with you because you’re drinking the same beverage they’re consuming, even though they’re all at least three to four notches higher than you on the Objective Human Attractiveness Scale. You will find that this is not only untrue, but that drinking huge amounts of beer works against the possibility these things ever entering your sphere of reality.

Which brings us to the root cause of this behavior: Libation, another important brick in the awe-inspiring edifice of college football season’s advent. Like Siegfried and Roy, college football and drinking enjoy an officially unsanctioned marriage that thrives without legal consent. It’s in the warp and woof of college football to drink and sometime drink heavily in conjunction with games, and it is good, for the most part.

This is excepting the times when you end up walking home two miles from a woman’s house wearing one of her dresses following a particularly emotional evening of gridiron action…but enough about the good Father’s past! Onto the categories and the praise they deserve:

Beer

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to prosper.”
–Ben Franklin

“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.”

–W.C. Fields

“State Judo Champ, my ass. Brang it!
–Orson Swindle, 1996 Fiesta Bowl tailgate after some ingestion of whiskey.

Gin.

“The proper union of gin and vermouth is a great and sudden glory; it is one of the happiest marriages on earth, and one of the shortest lived”
-Bernard de Voto

Vodka

“Vodka is tasteless going down, but it is memorable coming up”
-Garrison Keillor

“Navy SEAL my ass–come get some, Nancy!”
-Orson Swindle after drinking some amount of vodka at the 2002 Florida/Tennessee game

Scotch

“My God, so much I like to drink Scotch that sometimes I think my name is Igor Stra-whiskey.”
-Igor Stravinsky

“Butterbean, my ass. Taste pain, lardass!”
-Orson Swindle, Brewhouse 2003.

Tequila

“Computers have enabled people to make more mistakes faster than almost any invention in history, with the possible exception of tequila and hand guns.”
-Mitch Radcliffe

“Untamed, snarling Bengal Tiger, my ass. Here, kitty kitty–come get some asskick salad!”
-Orson Swindle, Nepal 1999.

Football is coming–let its name be praised.

Mass has ended. Go in peace.

Late coming to this, but Ron Prince, new coach at K-State, evidently sweats quarterback repellent. The third quarterback transfer in the past five months–Alan Evridge–signed off on a one-way ticket out of Manhattan this week. This should not shock completely. Five quarterbacks fighting for roster spots usually beget at least one referral and one position switch (there’s mathematical laws to be articulated from this somehow,) but K-State’s transfer trifecta leaves the Wildcats and their deformed, came-from-Chernobyl’s-pet-store mascot with only two scholarship quarterbacks on the roster.

You…you grew up near nuclear plant, no?

Thanks to all of our readers for their support during our pledge drive which managed to give us the funds necessary for a server upgrade and to aquire an access pass into a portal into Phil Fulmers mind.  Brief as our stay was, it was equally disturbing.  We caught Phil during a nap and got to see a snapshot of his dreams.  And yes, it was as we suspected, cows made out of butter. 

What makes Fulmer tick?  Butter cows.

Peyton Manning, Vol hero who could never beat the Gators, has pledged 1 Million smackaroos to the Vols football program.  Peyton, known best for happy feet in the pocket, wants the majority of his gift to be spent sprucing up the Thompson Sports Complex, which houses the indoor football field, offices and dressing room, to increase the “wow” factor for recruits.  Did I mention that Peyton hasn’t won the big game yet?