You’re treading on thin ice when you talk about another man’s wife. But thanks to this expose by DeepSouthSports about SEC spouses, we now know some definites:
1. The Orgeron outpunted his coverage. Big Time.
2. Shelly Meyer wears cutoff jean skirts, a sure sign that a Bon Jovi tape lies somewhere in her past.
3. If the Orgeron outpunted his coverage with his lady, Shula parked a 120-yarder in the alumni donor lot in comparison.
We’ll just be calling Shula “Coach Touchback” from now on.
Yes, Maurice Clarett got arrested again. Does anyone need to pay attention to this? Go do something productive, like playing the fantasy misfit draft over at the House of Heat, for chrissakes.
In case you’re wondering, if you have four guns in your car and are wearing a bulletproof vest, you better be:
a. A Green Beret on patrol
b. Dog the Bounty Hunter
c. Gary Busey
d. Tupac, still alive and living under then name “Roulette Simmons” in Ixtapa.
Barring his shocking death at the hands of a ravenous pack of wild dogs, this will hopefully be the last thing we ever write about Maurice Clarett. Hopefully he’ll slowly fade into the mists of time. Very, very slowly, that is.
How long until we forgot Clarett? Took about 4.77 seconds, actually.
In case you missed it, here’s the first ballot Blogpoll 2006, spots 1-10 from yesterday. It’s a pile of crap just like every other preseason poll, but this is our pile…and this is our…crap.
Now onto spots 11-25, where you may yank off the stodgy yoke of picking teams you know are good and get to the fun: interesting teams that may flame on and torch everything they touch or go up in smoke in previously unimaginable and unheard of ways. In many ways, asking anyone to put together a preseason poll with any smidge of accuracy is like asking Togo to put together a space program. It will be a disaster, it will embarrass almost everyone involved, and despite the flames on the launch pad, there will be at least something in it that was spot-on and done right. (In the case of this hypothetical Togolese space program, the rocket would probably sport a badass paint scheme.)
Yep. This poll’s already there.
Take last year’s EDSBS preseason poll, a disaster in its own right. It included the following:
“5. Utah. Don’t forget them just because Urban Meyer’s gone to Hogtown. Kyle Whittingham coached the defense that broke out the pipes and torches on Tyler Palko in the Fiesta Bowl, and he’ll do little to stand in the way of the offense scoring at will. Much of the magic formula that made them a BCS-buster will still be in place.”
Five? Yes, we had them at five in our first draft. We watched one too many Fiesta Bowl highlight tapes set to P.O.D.’s “Click Click Boom” song over the offseason, so much so that we started NOT to laugh when you hear the lead singer say “we comin to you with the new style and you know it’s buck wild” without falling out of our chair laughing. (Btw, if that song appears in the highlight reel you’re putting together, you need to buy some pants that fit and sell the Fiero. The song is banned from any and all highlight tapes; the new hotness is Kasabian’s “Club Foot.” That is all from the Style section.)
We even had Tennessee at two, which despite our nefarious intentions was a pretty honest assessment of how we thought they would do. (more…)
Florida RB coach Stan Drayton earns our Mustache Wednesday honors this week with his meticulously manicured production which we will dub “The Maginot Line” for its French-style landscaping and formidable appearance. Our goal will be to convince one other member of the Florida staff to grow facial hair before the season begins, since excellence is attracted to mustaches and beards; they’re like Tesla coils for winnitude.
Doubt us? Check Texas’ coaching staff out, one of the most successful over the past five years in the country and the caretakers of some strong, strong nose spoilers. Our personal favorite is the classic Harley Bastard ’stache sported by Texas strength coach Jeff Madden. We’d normally call that model “the Leather Queen,” but Madden looks like he could beat our ass with just his eyebrows–thus the redo on the name.
Congrats, Stan Drayton: the considerable effort of keeping Deshawn Wynn awake hasn’t driven you to neglect your manscaping. In fact, it’s looking better than ever, sir. Bravo!
Happy Mustache Wednesday, motherfuckers.
We’ve got a nominee for this year’s MacArthur Grant, the award given to a very exclusive pool of people for simply being geniuses: Marty Couvillon, the proprietor of CFBStats.com. CFBStats has the stats for 2004 and ‘05 broken down eight different ways, giving stats to back up the absurd things you may spout off about drunkenly at a bar. Michigan State’s defense sucked last year? Sure they did…but this gives you the full gory story illustrated in the language of universal truth, beautiful, clean numbers. And there’s nothing people enjoy more than math in their debates, right? Besides having someone poke a sharp stick into their sorest intellectual deficiency, right? You’ll be more popular than ever now.
Thanks for bringing math into the debate, asshole.
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