Former Utah CB Ryan Smith will be attending grad school at the University of Florida, surely only choosing Gainesville for its peerless Tax Law program or excellent entomology school. Oh, and he does get to take advantage of that new transfer rule, too, the one allowing degree-holding transfers to attend school immediately after transferring without losing a year of eligibility. All purely coincidence, especially with the dismissal of starting corner Avery Atkins from the team, Smith playing for Meyer at Utah, and UF’s ever-thinning secondary. Yup. It’s definitely the entomology school.

Speaking of entomology…where would getting hit by a 235 pound linebacker or a streaking safety rate on the Schmidt Sting Pain Index? We estimate a 3.5 or so, unless we’re talking Ronnie Lott. He had to be a straight 5 plus.

“Pure, intense, brilliant pain.”

His defense gave up 31 points a game last year. His quarterback rolled eyes at him in the huddle. He signed up Gary Darnell as defensive coordinator, a name that should send shudders through the limbic systems of Florida and Notre Dame fans everywhere. And yet, Coach Dennis Franchione boldly marches forward to the future, addressing the big issues like whether or not A&M players are going to get their names on the back of their uniforms.

Other things Coach Fran would like you to begin thinking about:

–Coach Dennis Franchione would also like to request that you get your TPS reports on time, and that you clean up after yourself in the employee kitchen.

–Coach Fran would like you to send him an email when you leave for lunch, and when you return, too.

–Coach Fran has an HR training he would like to attend.

–Coach Fran does not believe you properly understand his mission statement and would be more than happy to explain it to you in a seven hour long meeting.

–Coach Fran thinks you should be proactively working toward synergy with your teammates.

–Coach Fran thinks you are in his parking space, and speaking casually here, would like to know that that is definitely not cool, bra.

–Coach Fran would like to remind you that “eagles may soar high, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”

Hedley would love it if you could come in on Saturday, ’cause he’s gonna need you to do that.

Steve Spurrier, per tradition, cast his single vote for Duke at 25 in the first edition of the coaches’ poll last week, angering some who don’t know Spurrier’s history of paying homage to the first collegiate employer to hire him as a head coach.* Spurrier’s ceremonial vote did prompt an investigation into polling in general and the sometimes questionable voting by less heralded members of the polling community, both in the Coaches’ Poll and in the Harris Poll, an integral part of the BCS formula whose voters are often scarcely connected to college football at all.

For example:

–Voter Ed Singletary cast a number one vote for Harvard despite the fact that Harvard is not a Division One school and has not won so much as a piece of a national championship in football since 1920. “In all things, the Crimson ride first!” said the eccentric billionaire and heir to a massive codfishing fortune from atop his chattering, mint-condition jalopy on the Singletary estate on Monday. “As with all things, I blame the excesses of gin, the sin of Onan, and the endless meddling of the Jews for dear old Harvard’s brief and temporary downfall.” Mr. Singletary then bid us good-day, but only after informing our interviewer that he would be spending the rest of the day perusing the grounds of his estate in his platinum-plated Lark, and there was not a thing we could do to stop him.

–The single vote for Arizona State at number one came from voter Satan Beelzebub, a longtime member of the AP poll and a new voter in the Harris Poll. “It’s strictly a matter of opinion, and that’s why the asked me to vote. It’s just that simple,” said Mr. Beelzebub via phone interview Tuesday. “I normally would have cast my normal vote for Florida State due to my longtime partnership with them, but I have my own reasons for supporting the Sun Devils. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have flesh to lash, souls to burn, and a lunch appointment at The Modern to make. Ciao.”

Would love to chat, but has souls to burn ASAP.

–Mike Lupica’s poll was disqualified after the veteran Northeastern Sportswriter included several professional teams in his ballot, including the embarrassing listing of the New England Patriots at number one and the submission of the New York Jets twice at spots 8 and 13. When reached for comment by phone, Lupica replied by repeating the words “That’s just Manny being Manny” until our correspondent hung up.

–A still stranger ballot came from “Glorthar the Indomitable and his Undeniable Henchman Zeeg”, a pair of Harris Poll voters with no known listed contact information. The actual ballot, obtained via an inside source, is presented below:

For obvious reasons, the ballot was discounted.

*Or understand that Spurrier loves being a smartass. Or dick. Your call, really.

We strongly suspect you are about to get the World Wide Leader’s USC treatment.  You can’t turn on ESPN without hearing a blurb about the Irish, their venerable coach or resident rock star QB.  Nor can you click on espn.com without seeing something singing the praises of South Bend.  This morning was another example as Mark Schlabach’s Hot and Not for 2006 piece puts the juxtaposition right at the top… in this year, ND, out, USC.  As if all the Notre Dame haters out there haven’t been griping loud enough for the past, I don’t know, 100 years about the special media treatment the Irish have gotten.  Now, if ND gets off to a hot start we’ll be force fed syrupy pieces about whether this is the greatest team of all time.  Oi Vei!  And I’m not even a hater. 

Could this be the greatest college quarterback ever?  Please tell us ESPN.

Once his mother started holding press conferences to gripe about practice time, it was inevitable. Now super genius coach Bill Callahan has confirmed the inevitable; that Beck has been released from his scholarship and will no longer be a Husker. Callahan stated further, “Es un perdidor” and “we were sick of his stupid robot routine anyway”.

Beck will be taking his Devil’s haircut somewhere else.

The House Rock Built kicks off the competition for the Andy French Cup, the contest to see who can leave the best drunken phone complaint to a football coach. He’s got the Skype doohickey hooked up so you may actually call the number and leave your own for all the world to hear, but be warned: one of the conditions to qualify is to be violently drunk when making the call.

This condition means most calls should be made around the 9-10 p.m. range here at EST, though judging from health statistics Wisconsin fans can start dialing in, oh, right about anytime they please.

Don’t get near him, Senator. He reeks of wiper fluid and bad intentions.

Mike Leach scores fifty a game most of the time by seemingly pulling average qbs at random from the ranks of Texas high schoolers and turning them into 4000 yard-tossing windmills. The transfer of former blue-chip Derek Shaw from Arizona State to Texas Tech gives Leach a prime piece of recruit to plug into the madness of the Red Raider offense for a change. Shaw dropped out of Arizona State in the spring and will have four seasons of eligibility left following this season, which should give him the inside track on breaking every single NCAA passing record provided he wins the starting job since he’ll be throwing fifty times a game for 400 yards and yet not show up on a single NFL draft chart the whole time. (HT: The Wiz.)

This all assumes he’ll survive the initial keel-hauling and lashes he’ll get as an initiation into Leach’s crew, but he seems like a strapping enough lad to live through his pirate rites.

(For a particularly wonky discussion of the Michael Lewis article that unveiled Mike Leach’s fascination with pirates, see this bit on the Freakonomics board.)

Yarr–Goooooooo Raiddderrrssssss.

Javarris James, cousin of Edgerrin James, begins the daunting task of following in Edgerrin James’ footsteps at the University of Miami. A recruit from Immokalee like his famous relative, James will have at least one formidable reminder of his family legacy to see every day: the Edgerrin James Room at the athletic complex where he will attend meetings. Ah, imagine the splendor of the Edgerrin James Room:

Like the Boom Boom Room, but with game film playing and Larry Coker sitting in the corner drinking a Fresca.