Everyday Should Be Saturday

August 7, 2006

CLAY TRAVIS GIVES THE EULOGY FOR JEFFERSON PILOT

Clay Travis puts the now-dead corpse of Jefferson Pilot, the UHF frequency of Southern football, to its well-deserved rest. What we’ll miss about the regional broadcaster’s extremely regional broadcasts:

1. Live and uninterrupted: We swear JP used to go whole quarters without a commercial break, which was as close to in-game, at-game rhythm as you could get.

2. All Jared Lorenzen, All the Time: JP broadcast games you wouldn’t watch if projected on the flesh of Vida Guerra’s naked ass, and somehow for a five year span Jared Lorenzen played in all of them. If it weren’t for JP we wouldn’t have seen the Pillsbury Throwboy play his least memorable games, and for that we owe them. How Jared did this for six different teams, we’ll never know, but there’s a lot of him to spread around.

3. The atrocious music. Ill-matched, always too loud, and yanked from the backing track to Iron Eagle 2.


R.I.P., JP.



Filed under: Blog Buddies, Southeastern Conference  by Orson Swindle

BLOGPOLL: FIRST STABS, 1-10

Brian sounded the alpenhorn indicating that the 2006 Blogpoll was underway and due, so we roll out our best stabs at how things should look going into week one of the 2006 season.

NOTE ON METHODOLOGY/METHODIFICATION: Methodology makes this sound like science, which despite its occasional errors likes to use precision, accuracy, and the scientific method as its guidelines. Methodification might be a better word, since our own rankings take more direction from voodoo, the ebb and flow of caffeine and serotonin in our system, and general cussedness more than science.


Science? Sure, if you’re a fan of Muppet Labs.

This is based not on how people did last season, but on who we wouldn’t want to touch with a ten foot pole on September 2nd. Consequently, this will look dramatically different in week two and week three before settling into a comfortable stasis about four or five weeks into the season.

Our first preposterous stab at a top ten:

1. Ohio State. A wobbly pick here due to replacing nine starters on defense, but Buckeye sheen has all the gleam of a safe pick for a number one: program consistency with little turnover in the coaching staff, deep rosters springfed by a recruiting network that owns its populous, football-mad state, an offensive scheme geared for scoring to win, and a tough but winnable schedule balancing poll-friendly wins against marquee programs with breathers and scads of national television exposure. Senor Sweatervest wins a lot of football games, which is ironclad fact and not conjecture at this point: the worst they’ve done in the Tressel era is 7-5 in his first year. A solid perennial bet for the CFB investor.


Solid betting, and wants to be your neighbor, as well.

2. Auburn Call it a second root Tuberville pick, since the return of Will Muschamp is more of a reason to put Auburn this high than anything else. (more…)



Filed under: Atlantic Coast Conference, Big 10 Conference, Big 12 Conference, Big East Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Pacific 10 Conference, Southeastern Conference, Uncategorized  by Orson Swindle

BECK STILL AWOL FROM NEBRASKA PRACTICES. JOSH PORTIS’ MOM HAS NO COMMENT.

Harrison Beck, backup qb at Nebraska, is still AWOL from practice, citing overall unhappiness at the number of snaps he’s seeing behind ‘Husker starter Zac Taylor. Beck made this statement indirectly through his mother, who doesn’t know where he is but “called to say he’s safe,” following the hottest trend in NCAA scholarship player PR, using your mother as your professional spokesperson. In response, Bill Callahan said he wanted to do whatever was in Beck’s best interests, which is code for “toobusyforthiscraptakesomeboilerplatequoteandrun.”

Give all credit for this to Allen Iverson’s mom, however, a pioneer in the field.


What do you know about AI? Huh? What?



Filed under: Big 12 Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football  by Orson Swindle

EDSBS CELEBRATES TAILGATORS

What sums up EDSBS better than a great pre-game tailgate in which people are having fun drinking the beverages of their choice, eating quatitly vittles, boasting of their team’s (and indeed alma mater’s) virtues and ripping on their opponent for the week and bitter rivals?  Other than a really good and equally imature fart joke… nothing.  That is why we hope to celebrate fandome even more this season and we ask for your help.  Each week would would like you to send us your favorite tailgating photos and stories.  We’ll collect our favorites and give them the EDSBS treatment they deserve.  Naturally sucking up to by having hot chicks sporting crudely made EDSBS signage or clothing will always be appreciated.  So show us what you’ve got you twisted bastards!  Email submissions to edsbsfans-a-gmail dot com.     

Notoriously huge EDSBS fan. Photograph her tailgating with an EDSBS shirt and you guarantee being posted. 



Filed under: College football  by Stranko Montana

WATER IN THE DESERT: WEEK FOUR

After a week like week three–the week we dare you to die before seeing just to watch your zombified body punch its way out of the grave and stumble itself down to the nearest sports bar–week four was inevitably going to be a letdown week. We could feel it in our bones after years of Gator fan programming taking us from the Waterloo of Tennessee to the piddling stakes and performance of the Kentucky game: a merely interesting week of football had to come. Clicking the page on the schedule to see the following monkey-poop quality matchups on the docket only confirms that suspicion:

–Buffalo at Auburn

–Florida Atlantic at South Carolina

–Arkansas State at Southern Methodist


Ask him: after Waterloo, there’s always a letdown.

Don’t let on to other, non-football types in your life that this weekend presents any less of a footballpacalypse than any other weekend, though. They might book you for, you know, the weekend of the walking dead, and we can’t have you staggering slowly through your local outlet mall or trapped at a big box retailer silently wishing for death even when it’s only a slightly awesome week of gridiron mauling.

Week Four

The Chan Gailey Chantagonistic Unscheduled Scrimmage Match of the Year:Thursday, Sept. 21, 7:30 p.m: UVA at Georgia Tech.

Exactly, precisely, and yea verily the game Chan Gailey Georgia Tech teams see on the schedule as “televised scrimmage.” The product of mathematical truth, Georgia Tech’s likely defeat in this game should surprise exactly no one since Gailey’s teams have over the course of three years failed to produce two good games in a row against quality competition, producing the conditions leading to Chan Gailey Equilibrium. (This would be the eventual outcome of all competitions being a total record of 7-5, no matter if the team is playing a long list of Savannah States or USC every week.)


Picture of Matlock, put up simply because we cannot say Chan Gailey without thinking about Andy Griffith.

Little plays out well for Tech in this game. Contrary to your likely initial hunches, (more…)



Filed under: Atlantic Coast Conference, Big 10 Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Mustaches, Notre Dame, Pacific 10 Conference, Southeastern Conference  by Orson Swindle

ESPN: EVEN SPOILING PERFECTION NOW

The Wiz tips you to a fine article detailing how ESPN’s hunger for content, content, content has moved more and more college games away from Shabbas to other days, including Friday night, traditionally reserved for high school games. Joe Novak gives better quote than we could about his opinion of the pressure ESPN is exerting on the game:

“We’re prostituting our programs, in a way,” Novak said. “And I hate to say that.”


Resistance is futile.



Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Uncategorized  by Orson Swindle

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