There’s white…and there’s fanny pack whiiiiiiiite, as in putting Chris Rix and Trev Albert on camera simultaneously, which is exactly what CSTV plans to do this fall, rivalling the all-time high scores for Caucasian Quotient In A Single Broadcast set about three minutes into Nelson’s video for “Love and Affection.” (We don’t care what you say–those were two of the hottest little Aryan love babies we’ve ever seen in acid wash.)


The All Time Caucasian Quotient Champeens–until now.

The press release kills:

NEW YORK (July 31, 2006) Well-known football analyst Trev Alberts joins CSTV’s best-ever lineup of football announcers as the network approaches its finest schedule of games. Alberts, who earned All-American honors as a defensive end at Nebraska, will be teamed with returning CSTV play-by-play voice Tom Hart.

Do you list achievements on your resume from two decades ago? You should only be allowed to do this if you were a.) president, b.) assassin a la Martin Blank (”I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How’ve you been?”), or c.) Steve Spurrier (kick in blatant site bias.) And note the verbiage: “well known football analyst.” Plenty of things are “well-known:” bubonic plague, Taylor Hicks, and colonoscopy, for example. They’re not necessarily “respected,” “renowned,” or even “professional.”

We blame society for egging on Alberts, an announcer who confuses volume and certainty in even the most mucilage-eating dumb opinions with skill. Yet it will be nice to have him back for a number of reasons. He’s not skilled enough to allow your brain to sort him in the “professional commentator” box, allowing you to laugh at him like one of your friends kidnapped from his bed and placed on camera in front of millions as part of an elaborate practical joke. (”Look, man, he’s going for it! It’s like he knows what he’s talking about!”) He also bears a striking resemblance to a certain legendary character actor. Gei ni kan kan:

Trev:

And busy character actor/corporate spokesman Troy McClure:


“Hi, I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such nature films as ‘Earwigs: Ewwww’ and ‘Man vs. Nature: The Road to Victory’.”

If we were producing the show, we’d let Trev have his own show where no one else is on set with him: no cue cards, no teleprompter, not even a camera man. It should look like a room from Saw, bare concrete walls and a flickering, sickly green fluorescent light. No torture, though; we’d just let Trev talk for thirty minutes as randomly selected highlights appeared suddenly on screen without warning or cue, forcing him to flail or die slowly right there on camera. (And here’s another run…who the hell is that? I mean, who is that? WON’T SOMEONE TALK TO ME HERE? ANYONE!!! PLEASE I’LL DO ANYTHING! I’LL WORK WITH MARK MAY AGAIN, DAMMIT JUST LET ME OUT OF THIS ROOM!!! [sobbing]) Inside sources assure us this is not what CSTV has in mind.

As for Rix…we hope they let Trev do the handoffs during the broadcast, since Chris would likely fumble them.