In addition to watching fall practices unfold over the next few weeks, you’ll likely be watching another group of rusty semi-professionals dusting off their skills and working themselves slowly and sometimes unsuccessfully into game shape. We’re talking about your local sportswriter on the college football beat, a guy who either falls into the “on the up and up youngish guy” or “been around since the Mesozoic era fella,” and a person obligated to write at least one piece about a local team they have spent a grand total of ten minutes of total focused effort on since the season ended in January.

What the hell am I gonna right about San Jose State Football? I gotta get married in ten minutes? Again.

We feel pity for these damned souls, and in that vein offer our easy-bake solution to the challenge of writing something (anything, dammit!) about the Northwest Community Extension College of Charleston, West Virginia Love Missiles’ chances this year.

Step One: The Magic Formula.

(Player Name) hated those early mornings. The sweat dripping off of his (body part), the pain that made his (body part) feel like someone was shoving red hot (object, plural) into his (body part). Sometimes, he just wanted to lay down and (verb).

“It sucked sometimes, but that’s what you have to do to be a (noun),” he said as fall practice began for the (University Name) (animals, plural). “Coach (City Name) has really got us believing out here, and that’s the most important thing for a team to have: (noun, plural)”

The (adjective) spirit of those hard offseason workouts has carried over into fall practice for the team. Assistant coach (male, first name) (City Not in the United States) has noticed a new toughness about the team as they enter the new season, something he attributes to the (adjective) workout regimen put in over the offseason.

“The team’s really responded (adverb), just an amazing and (adjective) response to the new routine,” said the head coach. Our trainer (animal) (model of car) has just (verb ending in -ed) has been working real hard to make sure that their (body part) are good and (color) by the time they leave practice. I think he’s done a really (adjective) job with them.”

Coaches are particularly excited about recruit Bartow Eczema’s blocking abilities.

Another new wrinkle generating lots of (noun): new offensive coordinator (type of weapon) (Fast Food Chain)’s innovative and (adjective) schemes.

“I haven’t been this excited about football since I (verb ending in -ed) my first (noun),” says senior quarterback (women’s fashion accessory) (Type of sauce). Coach has us running some wild stuff out there. The other day we ran a (adverb)-(noun)-(number)-(compass direction), and the fans started (verb ending in -ing) and (verb ending in -ing). It was totally (adjective.)”

Most importantly, Athletic Director (Bibilcal Name) (Auto part) says the most noticeable change is one of attitude. This year, more than any since (year before 1965), represented a chance to really make things happen.

“We’re doing a lot of good things here,” he said, taking a sip from a water bottle filled with (liquid). “People are going to take notice of the things we’re doing here. Our coaching staff, our players, and our fans appreciate the (plural noun), the (adjective) (plural noun), and the brand new (noun) (verb ending in -ing) that we’ve been doing around here. We’ve got everything you need in place for a national championship here in the next (number) years.”

But don’t tell that to the players.

“We’re just thinking about (Compass Point Direction) (Poor, illiterate state) State on Sept. 2,” said (adjective) offensive tackle (prescription medication) Sackrider. “After that we’ll talk national championships,” he said (verb ending in -ing.)

Make your own! We provide an example to show you just how fun these can be, with words courtesy of The Conscience of a Nation.

Tobias Firewalker hated those early mornings. The sweat dripping off of his knees, the pain that made his webbed fingers feel like someone was shoving red hot specula into his molar. Sometimes, he just wanted to lay down and prance.

“It sucked sometimes, but that’s what you have to do to be a spine,” he said as fall practice began for the Warren Wilson Bears. “Coach Cheyenne has really got us believing out here, and that’s the most important thing for a team to have: scraps”

The husky spirit of those hard offseason workouts has carried over into fall practice for the team. Assistant coach Fritz Medina has noticed a new toughness about the team as they enter the new season, something he attributes to the short workout regimen put in over the offseason.

“The team’s really responded sneakily, just an amazing and godforsaken response to the new routine,” said the head coach. Our trainer Crab Vibe has just chucked them to make sure their fists are good and teal by the time they leave practice. I think he’s done a really chilling job with them.”

Another new wrinkle generating lots of gelatin: new offensive coordinator Nunchuk Grandy’s innovative and forced schemes.

“I haven’t been this excited about football since I plucked my first blouse,” says senior quarterback Pashmina Fish. Coach has us running some wild stuff out there. The other day we ran a Cravenly-Sprout-4-East Southeast, and the fans started teetering and cropping. It was totally blessed”

Most importantly, Athletic Director Onan Carbuerator says the most noticeable change is one of attitude. This year, more than any since 1462, represented a chance to really make things happen.

“We’re doing a lot of good things here,” he said, taking a sip from a water bottle filled with blood. “People are going to take notice of the things we’re doing here. Our coaching staff, our players, and our fans appreciate the pants, the textured hangers, and the brand new seeding that we’ve been doing around here. We’ve got everything you need in place for a national championship here in the next11,000 years.”

But don’t tell that to the players.

“We’re just thinking about North Arizona State on Sept. 2,” said harassed offensive tackle Depakote Sackrider. “After that we’ll talk national championships,” he said kissing.