Wasn’t that a lovely duet? Just lovely. We’d like to thank Glenn Danzig and Dionne Warwick for that stirring rendition of “Separate Lives.” Just special people helping us do a special thing here at the EDSBS telethon, day two of three.

We’d like to kowtow and thank the donors who’ve already given $850 bucks toward the goal of putting EDSBS on a dedicated server–you’re all beautiful people who deserve all the sex and fancy panties life can throw at you. As we cruise into day two, we’ll remind you of why we’re doing this:

–To put EDSBS on its own dedicated server for the next year.

–To throw something back to the designers and tech types who’ve chipped in for free over the past year.

–To purchase beer for the EDSBS tailgate fundraiser, which will benefit refugee youth soccer in the Clarkston, Georgia area.

So give now! If you want! Later today we’ll have a P.O. Box available for the e-impaired, but for the tech-savvy we have a PayPal donation button set up at the top right hand of the site. Just a bit more, and we won’t be forced into doing this:

It sounds better when Liverpool fans do it, frankly.

Miami suspends four for the opener against FSU, including receiver Ryan Moore, whose suspension is a holdover from his Peach Bowl punishment. That this can’t be considered close to big news today is a tribute to the awe-inducing achievement of earning 28 Fulmer Cup points in a span of four days.

We promise to step away from the computer now for at least one hour.

San Jose State advertises itself as “in the core of Silicon Valley.” So when it finally breaks the seal and enters the Fulmer Cup in guffaw-inducing fashion, it would stand to reason that they would put their own distinct, high-tech spin on nefarious behavior.

Enter aspiring Craigslist seller/alleged armed robber and San Jose State WR Ellis T. Jones III, who may have pulled off the single biggest free-standing Fulmer Cup score in the brief history of competition by luring potential internet shoppers off Craigslist with promises of deals and into an apartment complex where Jones allegedly robbed them, tasered them, and in one instance even “trunked” a victim. The robberies, which took place between June 27th and June 30th, involve such a flurry of activity as to suggest not only a rapacious criminal instinct, but an outstanding work ethic, as well:

Jones was charged Thursday with 13 felony counts including five counts of robbery, four counts of assault for using a Taser gun on some of his victims and one count of kidnapping to commit robbery for allegedly locking one victim in the trunk of a car. He faces up life in prison with the possibility of parole, according to Leonard James, a deputy district attorney with Santa Clara County.

Being tasered is no laughing matter. Especially when you thought you were getting a sweet deal on a papasan chair.

Follow us on the points, and beware: tharr be big math ahead.

Five counts robbery: 3 x 5=15 points.

Four counts of assault with taser: 3 x 4 points=12 points.

One count kidnapping: 4 points. Honestly, we hadn’t come up with an award for kidnapping, but damn, kidnapping isn’t your average everyday crime. 4 seems right.

This means a shocking, one-man campaign on the part of Ellis Jones III has turned the Fulmer Cup on its head. If this story holds, San Jose State certainly locks down the crown with an unprecedented, heretofore unparalleled THIRTY-ONE POINT ENTRANCE into the Fulmer Cup.

Frankly, we’re speechless.

More flak for Rule 3-2-5e, the new wrinkle in clock management going into effect this year that will likely cut 15-20 plays out of each college game. This time it’s SMQ wondering out loud:

This is the same reason ESPN is all about “Sportstainment,” rather than hardcore sports, because hardcore sports fans are already locked in. Want to grow your audience? Highlight everything around the game, so it’s still interesting to people who don’t care about the game. And sell them beer!

RTWT, because he’s dead right as usual on all counts.

No thanks, we already drink beer.

In addition to watching fall practices unfold over the next few weeks, you’ll likely be watching another group of rusty semi-professionals dusting off their skills and working themselves slowly and sometimes unsuccessfully into game shape. We’re talking about your local sportswriter on the college football beat, a guy who either falls into the “on the up and up youngish guy” or “been around since the Mesozoic era fella,” and a person obligated to write at least one piece about a local team they have spent a grand total of ten minutes of total focused effort on since the season ended in January.

What the hell am I gonna right about San Jose State Football? I gotta get married in ten minutes? Again.

We feel pity for these damned souls, and in that vein offer our easy-bake solution to the challenge of writing something (anything, dammit!) about the Northwest Community Extension College of Charleston, West Virginia Love Missiles’ chances this year.

Step One: The Magic Formula.

(Player Name) hated those early mornings. The sweat dripping off of his (body part), the pain that made his (body part) feel like someone was shoving red hot (object, plural) into his (body part). Sometimes, he just wanted to lay down and (verb).
(more…)

Every now and again a completely non-football, non-TnA story comes across the transom that simply cannot be ignored. This is one such story. The Economy MinistryHungary has opened up the naming of a new bridge to an Internet vote. The leader thus far… The Chuck Norris Bridge. We must do all we can to make sure it stays that way. So vote here… if you can read Hungarian

A bridge named after this guy… hell yea!

Condolences to Arkansas fans on losing the longtime “Voice of the Razorbacks,” sports anchor and announcer Paul T. Eells. Eells died as a result of injuries suffered in a head-on colllision on Interstate 40 as he drove home from the Houston Nutt Classic. He was 71.

The announcer can be something so personal for fans that even their firing can be a traumatic event; here’s hoping Razorbacks get some good news over the next few months. Anything would be nice at this point.

Normally the passing of a former university president would get any play here on EDSBS, but when its the guy who fired Woody Hayes college football fans have to take note.  Harold Enarson died passed away at age 87, leaving behind his 64 year old wife (23 years younger… hmmm…. wonder how old she was when he nabbed her?).  As fans of college football history know, Enarson canned Hayes following that famous incident in which he punched an opposing player. 

Fire Woody Hayes, get a building named after you.   Behold Enarson Hall.

There’s white…and there’s fanny pack whiiiiiiiite, as in putting Chris Rix and Trev Albert on camera simultaneously, which is exactly what CSTV plans to do this fall, rivalling the all-time high scores for Caucasian Quotient In A Single Broadcast set about three minutes into Nelson’s video for “Love and Affection.” (We don’t care what you say–those were two of the hottest little Aryan love babies we’ve ever seen in acid wash.)

The All Time Caucasian Quotient Champeens–until now.

The press release kills:

NEW YORK (July 31, 2006) Well-known football analyst Trev Alberts joins CSTV’s best-ever lineup of football announcers as the network approaches its finest schedule of games. Alberts, who earned All-American honors as a defensive end at Nebraska, will be teamed with returning CSTV play-by-play voice Tom Hart.

Do you list achievements on your resume from two decades ago? You should only be allowed to do this if you were a.) president, b.) assassin a la Martin Blank (”I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How’ve you been?”), or c.) Steve Spurrier (kick in blatant site bias.) And note the verbiage: “well known football analyst.” Plenty of things are “well-known:” bubonic plague, Taylor Hicks, and colonoscopy, for example. They’re not necessarily “respected,” “renowned,” or even “professional.”

We blame society for egging on Alberts, an announcer who confuses volume and certainty in even the most mucilage-eating dumb opinions with skill. Yet it will be nice to have him back for a number of reasons. He’s not skilled enough to allow your brain to sort him in the “professional commentator” box, allowing you to laugh at him like one of your friends kidnapped from his bed and placed on camera in front of millions as part of an elaborate practical joke. (”Look, man, he’s going for it! It’s like he knows what he’s talking about!”) He also bears a striking resemblance to a certain legendary character actor. Gei ni kan kan:

Trev:

And busy character actor/corporate spokesman Troy McClure:

“Hi, I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such nature films as ‘Earwigs: Ewwww’ and ‘Man vs. Nature: The Road to Victory’.”

If we were producing the show, we’d let Trev have his own show where no one else is on set with him: no cue cards, no teleprompter, not even a camera man. It should look like a room from Saw, bare concrete walls and a flickering, sickly green fluorescent light. No torture, though; we’d just let Trev talk for thirty minutes as randomly selected highlights appeared suddenly on screen without warning or cue, forcing him to flail or die slowly right there on camera. (And here’s another run…who the hell is that? I mean, who is that? WON’T SOMEONE TALK TO ME HERE? ANYONE!!! PLEASE I’LL DO ANYTHING! I’LL WORK WITH MARK MAY AGAIN, DAMMIT JUST LET ME OUT OF THIS ROOM!!! [sobbing]) Inside sources assure us this is not what CSTV has in mind.

As for Rix…we hope they let Trev do the handoffs during the broadcast, since Chris would likely fumble them.

Tyson Gentry, the Ohio State football player who broke his neck in spring practice this year, continues his recovery. Good news for a change: Gentry, who broke his C4 vertebrae (usually meaning instant paralysis with irreparable damage to the spinal cord,) has regained feeling and movement in his arms and in some parts of his body, and continues toward his goal of walking again.

If a Buckeye has an email or address to send notes of encouragement, please leave them in the comments below.

Gentry: recovering after a cruel freak accident.