2200 yards.  That’s the goal Adrian Peterson has set for himself this season.  That would pretty well assure him of a Heisman Trophy and probably mean a pretty good season for the Sooners, but can he do it without breaking down?  Well, he’s got a 12 game schedule… and if Barry Sanders could get over 2600 in 11, it is certainly possible. 

Barry Sanders proved it is easy to stay healthy if you don’t let the defense touch you. 

(more…)

Lo! The Fulmer Cup Scoreboard for the beginning of the home stretch looks thusly:

Notes, clarifications, and complete gross errors:

–Navy, on the clearing of all charges in the Lamar Owens case, loses all points. Corrections will be made shortly, and their record will be as squeaky clean as the launch tubes on a nuclear sub.

–Despite his impending transfer, Texas will keep Ramonce Taylor’s points. This is not a bad thing since Texas also gets to claim that their players get into hundred person brawls on peanut farms in the middle of nowhere, which is soooo Fight Club-hot of them. (The number of women we know who drool over the fight scenes in that movie is disturbing. Or encouraging. We can’t really decide. All we know is we’ve been punching everyone we know in the face for years, and no one’s ever called it hot when we did it.)

–We didn’t touch the Fresno City Community College story involving numerous football players and an alleged gang rape because it involves a community college, which is not within purview of the Fulmer Cup.

Please leave any notes on scoring below, since there’s so much on the table we’re sure we’ve missed something along the way.

See complete scoring here, and as always thanks to EDSBS Players’ Club Member BIGMIKE for maintaining the scoring.

SEC Media Days are going on now (Florida’s on from 10ish to 12ish today. We’re looking forward to Urb saying something like “nut up” or “beat them ’till they wet their pants,” or anything else identifying him as a guy who secretly watches tape of “UFC’s Greatest Knockouts” late at night.) They’re great sources for loads and loads of non-information usually, but in one case they actually provided shocking news out of Knoxville: Phil Fulmer is an admitted mutant.

“I’d never been through anything like I just went through,” Fulmer said. “It was a new experience. You’re darned right. My stinger is out pretty good.”

Phil Fulmer has a stinger? Yikes. He must only use it on pizza delivery boys, since we imagine speed would an issue for a rampaging Fulmer looking to stun prey. He must rely on surprise…

Don’t let him get too close, [NAME REDACTED]!!! On second thought, go ahead and cuddle up with him while you’re there.

We’re having some technical difficulties at the workplace preventing posting.  Stay tuned for more hillarity later!  In the meantime, think about the bone-crunching action that awaits us all in just over a month.

In Ibsen’s Peer Gynt, a man’s soul is compared to an onion: many-layered, but ultimately hollow. (Scandinavians don’t boast the highest suicide rate for nothin’.) We don’t think that’s true of Al Groh. We think his soul’s more like a watermelon, and if you crack it open, there’s a Betamax tape in a plastic bag. And on that tape, if you manage to unearth a functional Betamax VCR, is a five second clip of Groh in a sleeveless sweatshirt looking right into the camera and saying “Get off my fucking lawn, kid” over and over for an hour.

When asked what he thought about a third of his recruiting class failing to qualify, Groh said “I wouldn’t say (the recruiting class) took a hit…I would say it followed plan.” In addition to being postively [NAME REDACTED]-esque, it’s also quantifiably deranged. This either means Groh’s been drinking antifreeze in the garage all summer while watching old reruns of NYPD Blue (you KNOW he loves him some Dennis Franz), or he really just wants you and your meddling reporter ass to get off his fucking lawn and leave him alone. We’d bet on the latter. (HT: Bill.)

Happy Mustache Wednesday, Motherfucker!

If you’ve never been around it, the Peach Bowl is a surprisingly well-run, together, and pleasant bowl experience, even if your team fails to show up for the game under an interim coach. (The Chik-Fil-A snack trays peppering the place don’t hurt anything save your life expectancy, either.) The news that Atlanta’s seeking a second bowl game is nothing but good news, if only because it gives us an excuse to shoehorn in our list of local dream sponsors for the game, which we’ll hypothetically call “The Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes Memorial” for no reason in particular.

Dream sponsors:

1. The Cheetah. Also known as the Spring Street ballet, the local strip-mall of choice for the majority of 404ers turns into a diabolical bear trap for men every Saturday during the fall, taking half the lounge and turning it into multi-screened Thunderdome of football, scantily clad waitresses, fried food, and free-flowing alcohol on tap. Sponsoring the bowl game would allow them to do this to the entire Georgia dome for the Left Eye Bowl, a formidable selling point unless you’re concerned about being “family friendly.” Not selling alcohol must remain the rule, however, since combining the two environments would probably end up looking something like the USO scene in Apocalypse Now minus helicopter rescue.

Probably not a good idea, actually.

2. Jermaine Dupri. It would have to be called the “So So Def” bowl if JD was involved, with JD serving up chicken, waffles, and expensive champagnes to the masses while annoying the hell out of everyone by talking over the whole game in bursts of “everybody just-everybody just bounce” and “so…so…def.” Actually, this is a terrible idea, even if JD steps to the fifty yard line in between each quarter and pulls Janet Jackson’s top off.

Sub Lil Jon and sponsor Crunk Energy Juice for this spot and watch the pimp cups flash in the thick, stanky haze of smoke sure to roll over the field during pregame.

3. Boss Hogg. The white-suited Hazzard county business magnate has been looking for an excuse to flaunt his wealth while promoting his new line of pork-based beauty products, and a bowl game would be an ideal venue for this. Unfortunately, despite halftime entertainment by Travis Tritt, Hogg’s plans would be undermined by the incompetent management of Bowl CEO Rosco P. Coltrane and the meddling of unknown dirt track racing brothers rumored to be white supremacists.

Wanna look pretty, ladies? Boss Hogg’s Pork Loin Lid Lifting Cream is for you!

In response to cleansing, hypermasculine but not gay content…

Quinton Moore, eliciting frightening autonomic nervous system reactions in response to a massive hit he lays here.

The way the arms spaz back and stiffen makes us a little queasy, to be honest.

Summer must end, if only to give us football and something else to write about besides homoerotic shots of gridironers lolling about in potentially homoerotic poses. The bukkake pile of the Troy lineman photo was bad enough, but now we have this…

..which can’t possibly be real, right? That’s not Jimmy Claussen, ND blue chip nab, looking suspiciously like:

a.) Rough trade

b.) The scion of a Serbian mafia family on vacation with his boys in the Pakleni islands.

c.) The world’s most unfortunate album cover choice.

d.) Deckhand on the S.S. Catamite

There has to be a USC or BC Photoshopper behind this (not the “Queer Eye” bit–we’re pretty sure that came from Photoshop.) The sooner September 1st rolls around, the better. And after this and the white stretch Hummer limo entry to his signing day announcement, why are we convinced that Claussen has the white tuxedo from the “Sharp Dressed Man” video in his closet?

Jim returns with Part 2 of his opus on the art of offensive line play. Another outstanding piece of work, Jim, and further evidence that o-line play is as complex an endeavor as attempting to play a game living chess with a herd of grumpy moose. To catch up, read part one if you missed it. Enjoy it, and be sure to tell Jim what a badass job he did below.

I’m back for more! Thank you for your great responses and questions to Part 1, and for actually reading it. And, No, I would never consider coaching Michigan’s offensive line, because I don’t want to take a pay cut and work 80 hours a week… I’ve never sat down and tried to put into words what a lineman does, and I can tell you that it’s a lot harder than it sounds. I hope I’m hitting the mark and giving you something that not only makes sense to the average fan, but also does justice to the artwork that is playing on the offensive line.

Part 2 is going to cover run blocking. Run blocking is a much different animal than pass blocking, and I consider it a “natural” action. You see, in my warped, cluttered mind, I divide football into “natural” and “unnatural” actions and tasks players are required to perform. “Natural” is synonymous with athletic; therefore, a natural task or action on the football field is an athletic action that most people perform at an early age with very little intervention or coaching. For example, drive by any field where kids are playing football and you will see them execute the “natural” actions of throwing (QB), catching (receivers), tackling (defense), and sometime blocking (offensive line) the opposing players. Now, understand by blocking I refer to it in its most rudimentary form; i.e. getting in the way of another person and pushing them backwards toward their goal line. But, I consider it to be as natural as throwing and catching, just with a lot more technique, size, and strength required from the big boys up front. The “natural” actions of run blocking are where it diverges from the “unnatural” actions of pass blocking. Pass blocking is based on some pretty simple logic, but it requires a lot of work and technique to execute properly, and is something I consider to be learned, rather than innate. I will get into more detail about pass blocking next week, but you won’t see a guy squatting, with his head back, butt down, and arms extended in front of a pass rusher in any pickup game in America. Guaranteed! (Whew! I guess this is my way of answering the question of whether run blocking or pass blocking is easier… It’s definitely run blocking!) Below, I’ll discuss footwork, helmet, hand and shoulder position, as well as a variety of blocking techniques commonly used.

Orlando Pace on the loose. Mmm, pancakes.

Run blocking technique

The Drive block

We’ll start with the most basic block; the drive block. A drive block is the technique used to move a defender who’s lined up directly in front of you, or who may be shading to the left or right.

Footwork

As I covered in Part 1, footwork is the single most important predictor of success for a blocker. It puts the lineman in a position of advantage, and allows him to control the defender. It’s very important that the first two steps gain ground up the field, and put the blocker in a position to be successful against the defender. There are some cases, however, when it may be necessary for the first or second steps to be lateral, instead of up the field. But, as a general rule, when run blocking the first two steps are up the field. First, think of a center, who’s covered by a nose tackle close enough to smell his rancid breath, and hear his labored mouth-breathing. If the NT is playing “heads-up”, meaning

directly in front of the blocker and not shading to the left or right, then the technique for the blocker is to take a 12-18” step with the play side foot, at about a 60-70º angle up the field. The second step with the backside foot should be the same distance and angle as the first step, and should happen immediately after the play side foot makes contact with the ground.

Helmet position

Where the head goes, the body will follow. Therefore, the position of the blocker’s helmet is very important in determining the success of a block. (more…)

A University of Tennessee football recruit is the center of a probe–heh, probe–of a sexual misconduct case involving a Knox County employee, Assistant Principal Kimberly Kallenberg of Powell High School. The recruit, Joseph Lee Smith, has denied having sexual conduct with Kallenberg at any time during his time at Powell, where he was “a multisport standout” and starred on the football team at tight end (double heh) /defensive end. Kallenberg allegedly tampered with students’ grades, as well.

If the allegations are true, then Joseph Lee Smith–fortunate to be a gifted athlete, since a name like that usually buys you a ticket straight to a multiple felony charge–may have improved his grades with his penis, a feat that deserves some sort of commendation or award. Most of us can only do the towel rack trick, and here he is converting Cs to As with it. Magic wand, indeed.

BTW, judging from the picture, Kallenberg must have a Clan of the Cave Bear thing. The Jondalar of Powell High School has enrolled at UT for Summer School, where he will be allowed to screw easy grades out of the faculty without dropping his pants.

Well, Linda Bensel-Myers is off the potential date list.